Last night, I finished Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven in one sitting. The book really touched me, softened me a little. Then again, I'm like a crab, hard on the outside, soft in the inside. The book made me realise a few things: small lessons in life that someday I'll forget I've learnt them. That's the problem with me - I let down my guard and my demons return. But recently, it has been better. This year alone, I have changed perspective on many things in life and I wish that I would be able to further refine them, make life on Earth more worthy, make the people around me happier. Then again, it ain't such a simple job. I wonder how many lives I have crossed consciously and subconsciously; how many routes I have taken; how many right or wrong turns I made. There was a line that really spoke to my soul but I can't recall it at the moment, will share when I can get hold of the book again. Overall, a really nice read on a day when the blues hit you hard. =) [On another note, this has been a good literary year for me. Think I finished close to 24 or more books, which equates to 2 books a month. I'm proud. Haha]

On the last day of the year, I wish everyone a better year ahead, more room for errors, more room for improvement. And of course, another year to ord!

Missing someone terribly though. *shrugs*

my heart feels heavy tonight
i feel like i've lost my sight

i almost forgot how to grieve;
how to wallow in self-pity;
now it's back.

pitiful self-centred me
nothing revolves around
but your own pathetic thoughts
how does it feel to return home?

The year draws to a close. And fate does a weird bowing out by having an earthquake in Iran & a gas leak in China? Human beings are just too frail. And maybe when I flip the papers tomorrow, yet another tragedy will occur. This year alone, we've seen so much: America's campaign in Iraq, more car-bombings, the undying flames of terroism still burning, the SARS epidemic, blackouts, resurgence of the Mad Cow Disease, the list goes on. Yet within all these troubles, arise stories of human courage, goodness and kindness. We're all such contradictory characters.

On a lighter note, considering going to Esplanade on New Year's Eve. Something more constructive for a change rather than drinking myself drunk (like every other year even before I turned legal). And if a little festive drinking needs to be done, I can just hop myself over to Embargo or Centro. Haha.

Outside my window, a tree sheds its browning and yellowing leaves. Beautiful. And there seems to be wisdom waiting to be gleamed from the paper's comics section. If only people looked hard enough. =)

Christmas is in the air? Somehow I don't really feel it, gonna play some holiday songs via yahoo's launchcast. And what a surprise I got when I came home to a brand new DVD player on my bed? Spent a little time tinkering with the wires and hooked it up to my hifi. Presto! A bona fide home entertainment system. And who else to thank but my dad? =) [Though I know it's not really for me but at least I would enjoy it..] Now to hunt for some dvds! Anyway gotta book in tomorrow night for live firing on Friday which kinda dampens the mood. Oh well.

Here's wishing everyone a merry Christmas and hopefully, a better year ahead.

Dear Internet,

does anyone read me anymore? Why doesn't my counter jump?

Hello anyone out there? Please please reply.

Losing my voice in this endless space.

Yours,
disgruntled me.

p.s. maybe my comments thing is dead.

Alrighty. Spent two hours in photoshop making this. More tweaking needs to be done like the trees and the letters. Had fun adjusting the 2D text to conform onto the banner. It's a remake of Albani's Adonis Led by Cupids to Venus. Trying to make it look like a painted photograph. =) Enjoy.

Driving Instructor From Somewhere Deeper Than Hell (Who Thinks He is Holier Than Thou)

About six weeks ago, I managed to engage a driving instructor through the classified ads in the papers. We'd just call him Mr Rechtum (for protecting the not so innocent). The first time I met him, he had a cigarette dangling from his lips and he ushered me into the car. Alternating between mild dislike and smoke blowing in my face, he explained the charge rate as well as the deposit et cetra.

And off we were on the road. Albeit me knowing jack about anything at all (save for all the theoratical work I did). With a few cursory explanations, I started off jerkily. He had quite a few breaks in between though; going to get food; toilet break; smoke break - I don't even give so many to my men! The first lesson ended with me being screamed at, my left leg constantly jabbed by his stick (the ol' Clutch-O-Matic 2000) and my brains left in the boot.

I had to take a week off because of duty in camp and when I next saw him, I was given more of the stick, my left foot reeling so much from it that I only stepped a little of the clutch so he couldn't reach me. This time round, I had to contend with him talking on the phone about soccer bets (which he obviously lost and then his temper too).

Left, keep to center, slow, sloowww...

I mean, I'm a bloody beginner alright? And with the method you're teaching, I think I'm better off learning myself. And I don't think I'm that bad, it's ur constant jabbering (and jabbing) that's making me edgy. So I swerved into a turn quickly and ended up with him screaming his head off, while I kept a poker face and laughed like mad inside.

Third lesson. Tried to start off on the second gear but couldn't. So I asked him a simple technical question. Instead of explaining it nicely to me, he asked with a dose of sarcasm, "You carry 100kg can walk meh?" Well, I referred back to those days of training when I was required to squat like 120kg (x3 sets of 10) and said yes. Haha. Old bugger was red in the face with anger. Of course I ended the lesson feeling like shit and wanting to scratch his car. He had asked me if I understood English (which I do but not his: relit a bit of the actualator..slooww...slowww...turn lep at the load in front) and carried on the lesson in Chinese (which I really can't tell what is the accelerator's or clutch's Chinese equivalent).

Last lesson. Today. Cancelled on him on Friday cos it was raining and I couldn't get him and I didn't want to see his face. Of course, he demanded a refund. But I don't care. While I was cruising along the road, he took a nap. About one-third of the lesson I was doing it alone. I mean, hey! it's my fourth lesson, shouldn't I be learning something new instead of braking and starting and changing gears? Well, evilboy wanted to get back at him and took hard brakes at red lights, waking him up and him mumbling, "Go straight" and falling asleep again. Then, after a smoke break, he was on the phone grumbling about horses running today. "Siang si yi eh jockey? Boh yia meh zi eh beh?" (Who's the jockey? This horse has never won before?) And he was also discussing where to take ferry later on.

Enough was enough. At the end of the lesson, I asked for my provisional driving license back. And he mentioned about whether other instructors would show their charges the goddamn piece of sheet used for grading and teaching according to it. Well, he shoves that in my face every time he takes a break. Can almost memorise how many points will be deducted if my verhicle stalled. So I just nodded my head, grunting and I got off. My dad was around so Mr (anal-retentive) Rechtum did not do anything.

Back in my dad's car, he told me he didn't like the asshole's face. And saying he would pummel that guy if he had dare touched me. Actually, I would have done the pummelling myself. But my dad's the greatest punk dad you can get. Well, so long to Rechtum and hope he doesn't die of diabetes soon. At least that's what my dad says. =)

p.s. Sorry for the long rant. Just need to get it off my chest!

Travis's 12 Memories is really a good track to listen to in the solitude of your room, on a rainy night like this.

"Every day sinking in the quicksand /Follow me down the drain /Every day drinking in the same bar /Drowning my sorrows away"

Somehow, after hiding in my room for a short while, I'll emerge a little happier, a little saner. Thanks to my baby for buying this wonderfully sad cd for me two months ago. I never get tired of it.

Night's out!

Ehrm, currently enjoying life at SIW so far; even though it has only been 2 days. Took tonight to come home to rest and gather myself back. I'm too adverse to changes. Makes me down. Plus all the commando and guards dudes make me feel inferior. Just want this army stint to end soon. 500+ days and counting.

Read an article on Sunday. Having some thoughts about it now: the human brain is incapable of realising the futility and meaningless of our existence; our pathetic little lives. What impact can we make in this vast universe? Money's nothing but a brief chase for a concept conjured up by our own consciousness. But why do I, and everyone, worry, strive, steal and cheat for it? What about love then? A mere chemical reaction in the brain or something everlasting, as immortalised by Shakespeare himself. Even then, literature and the arts, are only human products that make a little impact on the whole scheme of things. The paperchase; the rat race; the beauty contest; the fame and the shame; what do they all amount to in the end when our existence is but a faction of a faction of a faction of the entirety of things? I'm sad. Sad that the definition of who I am, what I am is inconsequential. Even death wouldn't mean a thing.

Phew. Took me quite a while to type the story below. Wrote it two nights ago without any preparation. Enjoy. Only some post-production involved, to clear up the grammar and structure. Still, bear with anything jarring. Comments ya?

I was the epitome of the loser. A failed man of the material world. I had no friends, I had no money. I drove a second-hand Pontiac across the country, calling at old buildings - my line of work.

This night, I cruised down dusty, winding paths into the backwaters. I was on a job, to check out a new piece of property recently purchased by my bosses, the same people who robbed me of thankless years, who kept me in this job that led no where. I drove with abandon, speeding down these unused roads. I had no inkling of what lied ahead.

The decrepit house stood alone. Weeds sprouting haphazardly around its perimeter, their tenacity displayed at random spots on the roof and rain gutters. The windows were shut, darkness encasing the insect life within. I stopped the car in front of the porch and alighted. I wished this job would be the last.

Motes of dust danced as my torch shone across the musty hall of the house. My job as real estate purveyor had brought me to countless old houses, most in need of major renovations but this house was different. The stench; the grime and worst of all, the darkness that engulfed everything.

My footsteps echoed eerily down the corridor as I passed countless photographs framed along it. Old vases, which used to hold fresh flowers, were now either broken or held crumbling remnants. I stopped abruptly as a yellowing photograph caught my eye. In the picture was a class of bright-eyed teenagers, life bustling from the radiant smiles on their faces. Yet, a thought struck me - these people were most likely smiling skeletons by now. As I quickly scanned through it, a dark-haired girl stood out the most. She had a stoical look, eyes brazen with fury, mouth quivering with hate. Her object of anger was a mystery to me. Yet I felt it through the fabric of time and space. A chill went down my spine and I tried hard to pull away from her hypnotic eyes. As I turned, I half-expected her to stand before me, a vengeful spirit, wishes unanswered from beyond the grave. But there was nothing in my path, save for a scuttling rat hiding from my light.

My heart beat wildly in my chest; I took a deep breath of the acrid air and I moved on, noting damages that could be remedied. The torch I held in my hand cast long and dark shadows across my path. Sometimes, I think what drove me mad was my imagination. I wished for a better life outside of this crappy job I had. I mean, the salary's low, working hours long, freaky destinations like this and no holidays at all! And I have had not tasted female flesh in years, since college, since I landed with this dead end job.

Each step was laboured and full of fear. Every breath could be the last, for something sinister might rip my still-beating heart out of my chest. Life to me, felt like a tunnel, without the light at the end. And Murphy was right, he's always right.

The torch was bought from a sale and not surprisingly, the bulb blew on me. I cursed at my luck, my anger rebounding back to me in waves from hidden corners. Half my mind told me to return to the Pontiac but half of me wanted to stay. Maybe I sought the dark-haired girl, a most illogical quest, yet my intuition told me she was in here somewhere. (Never mind if she was dead! Those exquisite features, those passions beneath the skin...) Maybe I sought death, maybe I sought a fellow soul, a kindred spirit; calling me to her cold embrace.

Blindly, I walked on, determination robbing me of any common sense. I no longer had control over my limbs. My conscience thrashed wildly against some ethereal chains, my breath erratic, my will subdued by some unseen force.

Death was near. So was release.

This life of mine...not worth anything.

She would take me away. She was just down the hall. Waiting. We were meant to be together. Time or life; never in the equation.

Images of my green car outside was suddenly replaced by this unreal lust coursing through my blood. I thirst for her: those dark almond eyes, the pale and silky skin. She and I belonged to one another.

I wanted her. She waits.

My steps hastened. Excitement and fear; mixing into a potent rush of felling; of impulsiveness. I did not know why I was sure she was waiting. And I did not care. My legs took my pudgy frame as fast as they could. My breathing; harsh and shallow. My lungs hurt. All those years of greasy cheese-and-bacon sandwiches, they would be obliterated, they would cease to exist; once I reached her.

My saviour. My love.

I found it hard to breathe, wheezing and coughing with each intake of sour air. I needed to escape this frail body and this pathetic life. My leather shoes pounding on the creaky floorboards, my pounding heart against my ribs, my pounding head as it tried to adjust to the greatest amount of physical stress in years. I had no reason for this sudden infatuation, this madness that could not be contained. The tiny voice within my head whispered weakly against the commanding voice. It warned of demonic possession; warned of unthinkable consequences. But the other voice was just too strong, too strong. And the little one was drowned in a cacophony of voices, a weak reverbration in my head.

Then, I was assailed with images of those years - years of torture; of sadness; of darkness. These very walls witnessed the cruelty of humanity and tasted the spill of innocent blood. Images. Stark images of pain came before me in flashes. The dark-haired girl. Those eyes. I could feel them burning through my retina. She used to live here. Her father, a drunken brute, stomach big as a barrel and arms thick as pistons. Screams. I could hear her screams. Her mother, a shriveled shell of the vibrant woman she once was; stood battered and bruised; the father, belt in one hand, bottle in another. And those countless young and angelic faces. They used to be her crushes and her friends. Yet, each of them had their turn, each a demon, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Pain; excruiating pain. The betrayal of the father; the useless mother. They fed her anger, they fed her grief. The world held nothing for her.

I was stumbling, head a mess as these delusions, or reality. Before I knew it, I was already in front of her room, untouched for years. I flung the door open, opening into a typical girl's room, dust rising in clouds. The room was almost normal yet something heavy held the air. And I noticed the disparagement of the room. On the window sill sat old-fashioned, wooden dolls, with their heads twisted out of the lifeless bodies. The ceiling was covered in arcane drawings, the wall across the door held dark stains. A patch of crimson red stared defiantly from the shoddy carpet not far from where I stood.

There she was on the bed. There she was not.

I halted. The hypnotic spell seemed lifted. My eyes flitted around in fear, my own stench polluting the air around me. My breath slowed down. My legs felt tired, as if I had ran for miles.

What had just transpired? A brief connection across dimensions? A panic attack brought upon by the blown fuse?

The gossamer-thin web of memories clung onto me; my head spinning and reeling in horror of my temporary insanity. I took a step backward, letting the door close upon the accursed room. I empathised with her and I had felt her pain. Her wounds were fresh upon my hot flesh. Her anguish troubled me. Yet, she was no longer of my world, forever doomed to roam these halls. I muttered a silent prayer. In the darkness, I traced my frantic steps back to the porch, back to the safety of my car, back to my life.

Sorry, gonna go out for a night under the stars. Wonderful. Yet I feel rather down. Must be those dreams last night. Dark images. Oh well.

Here's something rather dumb but funny...heh

What Are You Most Likely to Utter During Sex byUMAJohnnie
Name
Sexuality
Age
Most Likely to Say	"Make it snappy, I have a 2 o'clock and a 3:15."
Created with quill18's MemeGen

Written last week during a long torturous day stoning. As if it wasn't bad enough...

oozing slowly into non-existence
years of dirt clumped together,
sticky rivulets of blood,

they never dry

i cry; cry in pain; in anger
to the gods

those deaf bastards!

have thou forsaken me?
what about our promise?

my eternal life, wasting away
in this rotten carcass
for ever.

my cries reach no ears;
anguish, my own.

Hmm..lots of spyware detected on my computer, leading to all the stupid windows crashes. Getting rather irritated. Can't wait to get a new computer when I begin school in 18 months more! Haha.

My analytical and processing skills really have gone down the drain. I hardly engage in intellectual conversations lately and most of the time, I'm worried about my financial situation. Plus, all the business ideas that will never take off in any direction. Need some help...anybody got any book to recommend?

See? Recent posts have been nothing interesting..no stories, no nothing. Oh well. Can't let this carry on any further. But I'm still reading, which is a good thing. Heh. Will never give up reading for anything in the world! Christmas draws near...feel like doing a little project with all the unscanned lomos sitting somewhere in my room, plus the unfinished roll I took on Saturday during the busking along Orchard.

haiku of the popiah

raw is the carrot
colour of the sun
gleaming

smiling at the radishes
spastic whiteness stained with
dirt

Had my first driving lesson today. Kinda fun, only managed to stall the vehicle once. But must learn to be more gentle when stepping on the accelerator. Maybe cars are like girls, must do the correct thing, no short cuts and you'll have a smooth ride. And must treat them gently too. Heh.

something's wrong with my explorer. inexplicably causes my computer to crash. at least i still have netscape, my first browser and always my favourite.

Another thought in my head yesterday: ideas and inspirations.

No one can stake claim on a particular idea as his and his alone. Why do I say so? The great masters of art (Picasso, Monet) borrowed heavily from their predecessors, refining what was others (and others before them) and adding elements from elsewhere to produce the works that we see today. Such is true of writers, where many have been alluded to be like somebody else. Kundera in "Immortality" spoke of gestures owning people instead of people having particular gestures (a slight wave of the arm), much in the fashion of my argument here. Thus, I think that all human brains are perhaps linked to some primordial soup of ideas; swirling, constantly moving around; acting as the source of whatever thought that comes into my brain, or yours. "Divine inspiration" could be a brief opening or access to this large bowl of soup and many different influences glimpsed at one shot, thus producing something unlike what others have seen before. A new combination, you might say. This argument is not new either, perhaps I too found a little hole and stole some thoughts within.

But what is the aim of my argument?

Actually, I also don't know. Haha. Just felt like making a statement. My intellectual powers have decreased drastically. Need some working out.

sweating like a goddamn pig the whole day

Everyone's out for the long weekend and I've about 8 men under my charge now.

Would it be a bold statement to claim that ultimately everyone is selfish? Even those who say that they are selfless, either in deed or in love? That's because from it, they derive perhaps, a sense of satisfication or happiness; that they, above everyone else is, in fact, better in a way. And wouldn't that defeat the selfless act in the first case?

Just hiding out again. Wish to speak to no one.

Oh yeah, happy birthday to my beloved dad today! We almost clean forgotten it...until he hinted to me..lol. I'm so forgetful. Going out for a quick dinner and will be booking in. A long week of work ahead. argh.

Current dream camera: Canon 300D
Estimated cost: $1800

Finally defected over to Canon and the digital side, cos I feel that Nikon's technology has not caught up with Canon yet. But Nikon's analog SLRs still rule. Am thinking of plying my trade in university...perhaps a studio or something. Then I'll get myself a Hasselbald. Heh.

Penned this whilst in a rather insane mood a couple of days ago. Sorry about the language.

inconsistencies of a lunatic

hate myself.
hate the world.
low self-estemm,
voices of irrationality.
stop - stop them
but they come
relentlessly,
seeking blood,
laughing, stomping, choking.
slit my throat and drink my life.

bare ceiling, creaky fan,
pale fluorescent light
hear my pleas, friends of the day,
allies of the night
set me free or reel me in
take my life and squeeze my brain

cigarettes. smoke. tobacco.
rushing. crazy rush to write
incoherent. incoherence.
thoughts, jumbled.
trap of cycles. trap of no where.
live in this world,
fuck and die.

want you dead
want you silent
fuck. shut up and die.
cry no more.
shed no tears.

fuck freedom.
freedom of the fiery
lust-filled spirit.

strangled in paradise,
chicken shit smeared in my food
laugh at this pathetic lil' shit.
fuck.

* * *

i'm not as depressed as i sound..but only when i'm sad that my muse flows so freely, without borders.

Oh yeah. Started a friendster account on Sunday. Feel free to add me ya? Still have privacy concerns, so I try not to reveal too much. But I think I've got a spanking neat photo of me on. Haha.

Currently using the computer in my company's rest room. Everyone's out for live firing except a few of us. Today I learnt the ropes of being in charged of the arm skote and thus, I now officially hold 3 appointments. Shit load of work man. Yet, I try to view it as a building stage where I learn to multi-task and remember details for everything. Good when I'm staking out in the world next time.

My men are all rather fun to play with. Planning for a tekan session next week to show my powers. Right now, I'm damn bloody hot and stinky. Gonna take a shower soon. Hope they return like early tonight! Gotta stay awake till they send arms all.

Ahhh....

just realised that my social circle has all been wiped out. not much people left. letting no one in.

bah.

travis - peace the fuck out.

gonna hide somemore. soon i'll re-emerge and say hi to my friends again.

one day.

Hey people. Surprise of all surprises, I ended up as an adminstration specialist; which in other words means I work mainly in the office. That's because my primary role outfield would not come into effect until company exercises start. Which also means I've to deal with a different kind of stress and I work with all the big shots in the company...and it's kinda intimidating now...While most people would lament and get jealous about the senang (slack) job that I may have, I can tell you that I'm not meant to sit in the office the whole day! Haha. Nevertheless, things are almost finalized and this shall be what I'll do for the next 19 months...*shrugs*

Am into this artistic and creative mood lately. Body tinges to paint, create digital art, read art magazines and look at anything visually stimulating (haha..porn?). Maybe, maybe my future lies in media or creative directing. I mean, it's the only thing consistent so far...just that I've kinda lousy drawing skills, which I will work on in the near future. Till then, look out for new features coming up...once I stop procrasinating enough.

Hmm..wondering if the anti-piracy thing I read in a magazine recently has come into effect. Was considering buying Travis's new album 12 Memories but I decided not to since I felt quite broke..Just downloaded a few songs but all of them work for the first 30 seconds only. Argh!

Just realised that my Pbase account cannot be used to upload anymore pictures! Darn. Just gotta get off my lazy butt and create a new gallery...and I just scanned in 20 over new pictures from my last batch. Grr.

Last night's end-of-course dinner was a flop, if you asked me. We paid $90 and what did we get in the end? Expensive knickknacks that are absolutely crap! And most of our money went into paying for the lucky prizes (which of course I didn't get any..haha, but it ain't no sour grapes thang); like why not get a bloody sponsor and reduce the ticket price. So, we paid so much for a pen engraved with our names (argh..), a cd (as remembrance of the tough times we had..last minute done if I had to say), a rose and pralines from Leonidas for our dates (if you brought one..but what the hell!), a cheapo buffet dinner and house pours (at 6pm..lol..minus lotsa drinks. didn't even felt like ruining my health by bingeing). All in all, though much effort was put in to organising the whole event, I felt that all this little details just bumped up the amount we had to pay and for what purpose did it serve? Most people just sat around, some trying to eat ninety dollars worth of food (impossible!), drink ninety dollars worth of drinks or gathered around the tv cheering on Leeds and Manchester United.

No spirit, no fun. Just a lousy get-together which could have been better planned...Oh well. Must have been course comm's idea to arrange all this nifty little dumb things. Bah.

let me sink
the songs flowin' in my blood
havent felt like this for so long

u're on the other bank, cryin'
i stand helpless
my demons engulfin' me

let me go
let me go

the past catches on
i don't understand
i don't understand
how things can just go on

on and on

Passing out parade today! Spirits were high and we get to stay out for the next few days but we gotta book in like 7:15am tomorrow, monday and tuesday. Going to unit next week, hoping that my life there will be different. At least for now, my trainnee days are over; I'm no longer part of the lowest lifeform in the organisation.

Example of how my brain is degenerating

Had to replace my bedsheet with a fresh one from the cupboard. Spent ten hot minutes tugging and pulling at the bedsheet as it couldn't fit. If I pulled it from the bottom left corner, the top left corner gets pulled out. So I proceeded to pull the other side, hoping it would fit. Wasn't until a while later when a plea of help for my mom solved everything - she shook her head, said i had it on the wrong side (breadth to breadth, height to height), and helped me with it. Gee.

Somedays I'm happy, somedays I'm not. Thing is, I've been trying to stop those tiny little voices that just make things worse..And I'm kinda winning now, less depressed but then something crops up and I end up being sad again. Then I pick myself up, be the zany self I am and the cycle repeats all over again.

Rinse, dry, wash, rinse again.

Having major problems with myself, major issues to sort out. *sigh*

Hey folks. Been a long time. Was confined for last weekend and gotta return early today! I miss staying at home. I hope we do get our stay-outs as promised in the next two weeks. Need to recharge my batteries and watch all the movies on my computer. My brain's degenerating at a very fast rate, I hardly think of deeper things these days; mainly concerned with trivial issues and planning how best to spend my weekend. It's kinda sad, it's kinda depressing. But the good ol' brain just refuses to churn anymore. Ran outta gas. End of the road. See you at the next stop.

end of the escape. back into the reality i live in.

troubles gone from the mind resurface. more appear.

this life is fucked.

I'm back and had a rather hectic weekend. Guess our experience level improved overseas and we saw things we never would locally. Even have some small scars to prove for it. Will be going back to camp in awhile. So sickening. It's raining outside and I just wanna curl up in bed.

Events have caused me to reevaluate things in life again. I've been living in limbo for quite a long time, I've spread myself too thin and it's time to be an expert in something instead of being the jack-of-all-trades that I am.

My muse has left me yet again. But I've stories in my head to tell. I hope everyone's alright when I was away, somehow I feel that my absence might actually make things better for everybody. I dunno.

Leaving for training at Taiwan tonight. Will be back on 4th October. Till then, pleasant dreams folks.

Conversations With a Snake. Pt. 2

The wonders of nature unfolded before my eyes as I took in the flora and fauna of the forest; ferns dangling mid-air from trees; dead, decomposing leaves scattered over the forest floor; all manners of insects singing their song in the humid, still air. I stand alone, a breathing human, at the mercy of mosquitoes. The image of the talking snake burning vividly in my head. It could have been some hallucinogenic spores or the mid-day heat; nonetheless, I went about my stroll.

I followed paths within the shrubs whenever my eye could see, my intuition gave me my bearings, as I walked absent-mindedly through the forest. I was delighted with all the fresh air I was inhaling, all the green I could see. Moving faster as I got more confident, I saw more paths within paths.

I came upon this clearing, the canopy above was exposed and sunlight flooded in; filling the dank, dark forest with shimmering golden light. I stopped to take a breather, sweat dripping down my back. I could hear dried leaves being crumpled as something moved towards me. At first it was solitary, then within minutes, more joined in the scurry in all directions. I held my breath, what could it be? A huge army of talking snakes? rats? human beings? Defenceless, fear gripping my stomach, I felt my world darken. Then, it emerged, the first of many.

Not gonna continue Conversations with a Snake this week. Maybe next week, or later if I feel like it. Finished Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar last week and this week I finished Steven Sherrill's The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break and the Midnight Nation. After Kundera's Immortality, I feel too drained to pick up my next book - Umberto Eco's Name of The Rose. Was hunting for that book since early last year and I chanced upon it recently at the princely sum of $4! Haha. Maybe I said this already, I do not know. My memory's kinda hazy these days. Gonna be a short-long week next...four days out field exercise. And I have another guard duty tomorrow. Oh well. We have all come to this conclusion that we're just the course commander's playthings, our lives are worth nothing more than the few dogs that have arrived to populate the area.

Sometimes, I do feel that my life is really like one of my many screwed up stories, totally charged with emotion, delivered in a dead-pan manner. At least the Minotaur had a happy ending, sort-of.

Oh yea, a lot of people owes me money! And there are like lotsa cool movies coming up. Wish I would have time for them. 28 Days Later. i want the poster!

Was having trouble logging in yesterday, so I painted instead. Been since secondary two when I last touched a paint brush. Though I must admit, my techniques are still amateurish, still looks like it's been done by a six-year-old. Did a total of 6 paintings, 1 Warhol inspired, 2 using the subconscious method, 1 simple still-life and 2 landscape. But I must say, learnt quite a bit about layering and glazing from the 2 hours I spent on it. But I'm too embarrassed to scan it in. Haha. Will only do it in the future, if I ever get better and progress to more professional water-colors rather than a box of simple poster colors that we used as kids.

It was a plain-looking door, adorned only by a plaque at eye-level. Everyday, scores of people walked by, never paying attention for nothing stands out of the ordinary. Yet behind that door with the small plaque, lost souls have found hope. Within the four walls is a space of refuge, a weekly haven for those who have been mislaid from the journey called life.

The plaque outside is engraved with, "Counselling".

Conversation With a Snake. Pt. 1

I was walking along the woods one day when I stumbled upon a snake. It was sitting quite comfortably a good metre away from where I was; tail tightly wound around a fallen branch; looking passively in the distance. It was a dirty-green with a pattern of alternating black and white stripes on its belly and a nonchalent air about it.

"Halt! Go no further stranger, for the path ahead is not for one like you," a hollow voice rang in my ears. I spun around, half-expecting an old man but there was no one around. And I looked back at the snake, wondering if it could be him.

" 'Tis I that speaks to you. Do not be alarmed for I mean no harm, I am nothing but a snake tasked with warning foolish mortal fools like you from venturing further than you should"

Throughout that, its lips hardly moved. Blood rushed to my head for I was truly experiencing something out of the ordinary! A talking snake! Feeling slightly giddy, I asked, "How can such a creature like you exist? I am but taking a little stroll in the woods, what possible danger could I be in? Please let me be. Your sudden intrusion has been quite a shock to me and I'm left wondering if this is real or imagined."

"You mortals are all the same; never heeding advice, always thinking you are never wrong. Yes, I am as real as you in this imaginary world and I am standing before you to warn you from going any further. Turn back now. But if you do not listen, I will just leave you as you are. Your life is no concern of mine! I'm just fulfilling my task, passed down long ago by my father and his father before him."

Impatient to get on my way, the surrealism of this situation slowly evaporating into the hot, humid air, I said, "Forgive me for I see no danger ahead, whatsoever. I'll be going on my way now, iit's been a surprise and a pleasure speaking to a creature like you. So long, stranger!"

With that, I bypassed the snake and its penetrating eyes, walking further into the beckoning arms of the trees ahead; I could hear it slithering away on its leather stomach, what danger could befall me?

Spent the whole of last night and 2 hours to create this little picture. It's been a while since I've created graphics on my comp. Enjoy. Just an experiment in the whole 3D abstract art commonly seen on deviantart.

link:03./kraken

My muse left me for a long time, let's hope it's back now.

A tiring week, a long 30 hour exercise; deprived of sleep, water and a loss of appetite. An unlucky week; lost an equipment, signed 2 extra weekend duties and always being picked to do things that people refused to do. At the end of it, I try to keep an optimistic outlook - that things will change once this week is through. Things always change.

* * *
Poetic moments.

Exhausted. Tactical halt before an objective, we gather under a canopy of trees, mosquito coils passing around, flies buzzing around our stinking bodies. I half-lie, looking above. The setting sun casts a golden glow on my face; a slight breeze causes the leaves above to sway, orange and green, against a blue, blue sky. Crickets in the distance, dirt on my face. Despite all the depressing things in the world, somehow I find a little peace in this moment; letting nature diffuse into my being, letting go of all worries and retaining this one beautiful moment.

Night falls. Everyone's apparently tired, no one bothers even to be tactical anymore. Not even the instructors. So we gather by the side of the dirt track, sitting haphazardly. Mosquito coils passing around as usual. The night sky is devoid of clouds but full of stars. Infinitesimal bodies of light, devourers of lesser beings, provider of life, center of planets. I try to spot constellations even though I have had no concrete knowledge of them. And I know she would have loved to stare at the sky like this with me, patiently pointing them out to me. A picture of future happiness perhaps.

i've got nothing to say this weekend.

my eyes are starting to lose their sheen; the future doesn't look so beautiful anymore.

Dreamscape. A lush emerald green field; grass swaying in the light breeze; cobalt blue sky above. A bunch of teenagers having a game of soccer, perspiring under the hot sun; beads of sweats on brown skin. A juxataposition of colors, a blurring of movement; a single snow-white soccer ball being kicked around. I stand by the side of the field watching this game, my emotions sway at every move the players make. I long to join them, to be like them: carefree; smiling. Sun above beats relentlessly on my back but I keep on watching. Every kick, every header, I rejoice when a goal is scored; my elation and joy limited by the white demarcations on the field. I do not belong with them. I am but a spectator in all this. Their laughter, ever-permeating into my conscious, echoes of a past life.

Wednesday night. Bright object falls from the heavens above. I thought it was artillery fire till someone shouted from the rank behind that it was a shooting star. Hurriedly made a wish but somehow it seemed that such superstitions are for the dreamers. I'm just a realist with half a mind stuck in idealism...and it's causing all kind of rifts to appear. I'm drowning, I'm suffocating. Can't breathe, can't talk, can't think, can't move, can't cry.

How does one ever let go?

[AISL newsbrief]
Brunei trip changed to Taiwan. Spirits are high but complains are still raging. Hell Week starts tomorrow. Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Donnie Darko. Saw a brief on it while channel surfing, currently downloading the movie on Kazaa. A tangent universe, giant bunny (Alice in Wonderland), death, time travel. Sounds interesting enough. Makes you wonder what your place on this plane is meant for. Don't think the movie will finish by today, gotta wait a week. In a deep philosophical mood but my mind cannot comprehend the vastness of this world. Our intelligence is limited.

Unable to proceed, commence shut down.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

Gary Jules - Mad World [Donnie Darko/Daredevil Soundtrack]

Refreshed. Woke up at 11. Had only an hour of sleep on Friday cos we had to clean our bloody machine guns till 4am. Was raining after breakfast and everyone promptly fell into a thick slumber for about an hour. Watched National Geog on cable, if it weren't for wanting to lead a life where money mattered, I would want to be a photographer, living in nature, observing the gifts the world has to offer. Our lives revolve around too much on material wants that we ignore the simple but beautiful aspects of life. *shrugs*

Summary of thoughts running through my mind this week:
Fear of the future, not knowing what to expect. Reading The Autograph Man made me sad on how my life could end up being just another statistic, just another stranger in the train. I could be a nobody, like everyone else, trying to eke out a meaningless existence. What is more important in life? Love, money, sex, drugs, cigarettes, knowledge, family, cars? We could make a choice today, to pursue a degree overseas (at least 2 friends of mine are going to pursue medicine abroad) or to stay here and get a mediocre degree; but does it really matter? In life, if you choose something that you have no passion for, you'd always remain normal, never achieving your best. Thus, I often find myself admiring those who choose a different path. Do you have the courage to do so, to go against the norm, to be different? That will be the factor that sets one above the rest. But I'm afraid, afraid that today's choice will be tomorrow's regret. Trying to learn to let go, to be less restrictive, to live life for what it is. Fear is what we should be afraid of, rags in the future but rich in love may be more fulfilling than emptiness and a full wallet.

Life, life, life. Choices, choices, choices. Live for the moment. So hard. So, so hard.

A hornet (unknown species) has set up a little nest of its own under my bed. While I was away from home, someone else came and took up my space. The floor has got some stray dry mud left behind by the hornet as its little nest sits safely in one corner. First noticed it when the hornet flew through my window with an eight-cm long caterpillar in its grip. I saw it crawl to its nest and stuff the whole worm into the nest. It flew off for a while and then came back to check on its spawn. Such maternal devotion! I wonder how hornets navigate..my room of all places!

the dog is the king of the parade square, howler to the (horrible) military music played every night at ten.

the dog is god here, he doesn't do much but scratch, run around, piss, sniff, play, piss and sleep. human beings find him a curiousity. he finds them funny and a source of food. the humans think they're smart but they are just succumbing to their own pitiful self-pity; they watch him lie on his back, with his genitalia exposed to the world, how pathetic can one get?

meal times. the dog (with his fleas) join the humans at the cook house. no one bothers to chase him out and he gets scraps while he scratches. he loves Thursdays because food quality is lower (to the humans) and he is fed more.

the dog doesn't do much everyday. he follows the humans on runs and lessons, always walking ahead, peeing at spots along the way to mark his territory. sometimes, he tries to hump the lesser male, for fun. both of them have so much fun together. best of pals since birth.

the dog is the greatest philosopher in the world. he has understood life, he does not seek for deeper knowledge for he knows his intellect is limited and the universe is unlimited. so instead of being troubled by what life throws at him (the crazy old man who chases and throws stones at him), he is contented to just lie down the whole day, wake up after a nap, do some stretching and walk around inspecting his land. the fleas don't bother him much. life is just a matter of surviving death, ain't it?

he is god, he is king, he is itchy, he is dog.

2nd Warrant Officer See. Course Warrant, AISL.

(To inject some dead humour and lift my mood a little)

2WO See: July got Co parade, so you all better go iron your uniform if not my jiu ying zhen jing already bai swee swee for you all to sign!

2WO See: Area cleaning you don't do, who do? My sergeants? Me? Lan jiao give you ah! (points middle finger) I make sure you all Saturday and Sunday stay back and clean toilet.

2WO See: Muthu! See what see? Come and sign extra! Don't come and kao pei kao bu with me. I make sure you sign three!

Us: *laughs*

This old bugger is getting cuter these days.

Yesterday Muthu (mooo-thu, cuz he wore this printed shirt that reminded me of a cow) had to serve his second weekend guard duty.

Tonight we're booking in early 'cos Warrant See kao pei kao bu our bunks all never clean!

So stoned. Don't even think this is funny.

Pay day soon. Gonna buy Ayn Rand next week, even though I'm currently quarter way through The Autograph Man and I have Milan Kundera's Immortality waiting. Oh well. Retail therapy.

Everybody in my platoon wants to get an OOC (Out-of-course) and below are the top ten methods to acheive it:

10. Get frequent Attend C's and miss important lessons
9. Arrange for a full medical check-up with your own specialist (there's bound to be some bone/cartilage degeneration somewhere)
8. Recurrence of asthma (they'll post you to a less dusty camp - Bin Yong)
7. Knee injuries (most common, at least 4 people are trying this out)
6. Call the 1800 counselling line and say you're depressed (someone's friend accomplished it somewhere)
5. Floaters in eyes (have to send you for operation, two weeks att c will be given. woohoo! chyan's doing it)
4. Back pain (my reason?)
3. Lockjaw (excuse helmet, then report sick often. Gary.)
2. Fall and get some fractures (painful.)

1. Throw our Kevlar helmet at each other's knees (Joseph and Lawrence!)

We ain't got no pride here. We're 80% going to Brunei for 3 weeks in September. I don't want to be seen as a quitter, I am no quitter but seriously, people get through this far simpler and have more purpose. We're the experimental batch, we're going to go through things nobody else have.

"It's not about quitting, it's about exercising my choices. No point staying here if I can do something about it." - Zhi Cheng

Plus, I have really bad backaches these days, my knees hurt, my left shoulder blade hurts. All those school sportsmen are enjoying themselves at SAFSA (Singapore Armed Forces Sports Association) even though they have all downgraded due to sports injuries. Should I stick my gut in and go through the entire course?

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry,
have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right,
have you ever, have you ever loved somebody?

Brandy - Have You Ever?

1984. Animatrix. My brain's going through a reality-check.

Am I real? Suddenly, I'm plagued by the idea that everything is unreal. Descartes said, I think, therefore I am. But what if I'm just making all this up? Only thing that is true is the insatiable need to keep my body alive through eating, breathing and drinking. Are you real? I'm going crazy. I am.

Sanity is statistical. I'm only a minority. Thus, I am insane.

Watched Finding Nemo just now. Feel rather out of touch with the world, haven't visited the new North-East line. Think the new stations can provide good photographic opportunities. Still got The Hulk to watch. Spent something yesterday scouring through Straits' Times for the whole week's news. At least I'm keeping my mind alive by reading in camp, and not just male magazines. Haha. Am lusting over a good SLR digital camera too. But that's secondary. It's about time I tried to catch up...Still prefer my fully manual Nikon!

Dori: I don't know what will happen but you just have to believe it's good! You just gotta let go! (all paraphrased. I'm not a very audio kinda person.)

20 weeks and I'm still complaining. Maybe it's due to change, I don't like change. Just hope I settle in soon. Really bad to be hating every moment of going back in when I'm out. As C says, I must learn to let go, to just experience it and turn on my semi-automaton/detached mode if things get horrible. She adds on that it's not so bad...just a temporary postponement of events in life. So hard, so hard. Gotta try.

Dori: When life gets you down; just swim on, just swim on, just swim on....

Recently, I feel rather perplexed that I do not really know who I am. C says I'm an extraverted thinker, therefore I ask people questions about myself to form an analysis of the situation. But somehow, I always end up facing a wall. I need a definite philosophy in life, not a goal like having a successful business et cetra. To define what is most important to me. I'm afraid I might never find myself...You can't be rich, successful without sacrificing the love you have for your family/friends. Never enough time, that's how I feel. But I'm glad she has formed a rather healthier philosophy right now, as compared to her previous existentalism stand; even if she lives in a meaningless world, she only has one life and must experience every moment of it, to revel in every emotion and nt get bogged down. Sounds pretty much like what Morrie preached in his book. Easy to say, hard to practise.

First week at the Armoured Infantry Specialists Training Wing. Major bitchin' coming up.

Rained really heavily on Monday, was caught in a jam at the expressway and was gonna be late. Reached the stretch of road beside Lim Chu Kang Cemetery and encountered another jam! Apparently a tree had fallen in front and all of us corporals walked three km plus in the rain with our huge duffel bags to the god-forsaken place. And we were shouted throughout the whole week, our course warrant officer is an extremely big asshole. Threatens us with extra guard duty for every small mistake..my new section mate got one 'cause he fell asleep during the CO welcome address. Fantastic. We wake up every morning, demoralised and hating every moment day. Even though it's just lessons this week and the next few weeks, it feels like eternity for the whole 18 weeks to end. Most of the time, everyone's discussing how to get an out-of-course or how to downgrade, just to avoid this shit. Sleeping on sponge beds in totally unventilated rooms really kills. Almost got to sign an extra because I got caught in the parade for wearing a lousy uniform! Out of hundred plus people too. Can almost strike lottery already. Luckily we had an excuse because our best uniform was destroyed on Monday. The course details and all cannot be revealed due to military sensitivity but I can tell you that I rather stay on Tekong. At least get welfare and treated like junior commanders. And the section people next to mine are totally getting on my nerves. Starting to make enemies already. Dictated the Creed for the whole platoon to copy because I couldn't stand that idiot's monotonous dictation. And he's got the balls to correct my pronounciation...sheesh. I think the rest were happier that someone more articulate read the piece of shit to them..ahhh....fucked up. fucked up. We're so unlucky. Even cabs refuse to come pick us up when we booked out. And I'm already expecting lots of shortened weekends as we have to service our vehicles and all...

Standing at the balcony, looking up at the full moon obscured by clouds, all alone and thinking of imaginary characters. I've stories to tell, I've words to write, my mental form of escape from this world. And I miss the days when I could do this every night, I don't want to sleep tonight but I have to. The undying breeze heralds rain, and the soon-to-be rising sun heralds a new day, a new beginning of another chapter in life.

Braindead. Not pondering much. Not brooding much. Feel rather uplifted. Is such the bliss ignorance bliss? Oh wait, I'm sinking myself in again by thinking...gotta remain dumb, gotta reman stupid.

Colorquiz.com has this to say about me:

Your Existing Situation
The situation is difficult and he is trying to persist in his objectives against resistance. Finds it necessary to conceal his intentions as an added precaution, in order to disarm the opposition.

Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but he feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which he needs. Unwilling to expose his vulnerability, he therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses him, but makes him irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left him listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.
Insists that his goals and realistic and sticks obstinately to them, even though circumstances are forcing him to compromise. Very exacting in the standards he applies to his choice of a partner.

Your Desired Objective
Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by his charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced considerable stress. He tries to escape into an idealized atmosphere of sympathy and understanding, or into a substitute environment of estheticism and beauty.

---

Ain't it so true? All I can do now is escape to my books; to take refuge in imaginary worlds, talk to people who think beyond their miserable lives. I define my own rules, I lead my own life. I don't need you to tell me what to do!

When idealism meets realism, when dreams meet events...

32 km route march through the whole of Thursday night and right till 7am on Friday. Finally got our chevrons. Got posted out to School of Armoury. There are mixed feelings about it, some say it's damn slack (my kind..), some say it's damn tough. But at least it's near my place! No more 2 hours to come home after I book out. The most I need is forty minutes and that's an overestimate, considering it might be hard to get out of the camp. New place, new challenges, new friends. Gonna miss my platoon back at Sispec and my sergeant especially. Oh well, at least most of my section mates are going where I'm going. Hope that the integrity of our section gets to be maintained over there. Tanks straight ahead!

Woke up with a hangover. Ack. Don't know why I love making myself feel so horrible. That's why I haven't went clubbing for such a long time...starting to hate it all, the pointlessness of it...

"You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not your job. You are not the car you drive or the contents of your wallet. You are not your fucking khakis! You are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world."
Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) - Fight Club

This is a fucked up and beautiful world.

Spent an hour scanning in, editing and uploading a few more lomo shots. They can be seen here. This time round, I spent a little more time editing them as I found the scanned product rather different from the real one. Nevertheless, the physical shots are much nicer. Have fun and please comment. =)

Blowing smoke rings in the air.

My mom just called from UK. She's really enjoying herself there with my aunts but she complains that she eats bread the whole day. She sounds uplifted and not bothered by the trudgery of life. I'm happy for her. And I miss her. Told her about the uni thingy and she told me not to give up hope. There will be other chances somehow. My dad's adamant about me getting it and is even planning to send me overseas, Australia perhaps. Would I leave all of them behind to pursue such a lofty dream? Two years ago, I would have left everything behind and went ahead. Right now, I'm not so sure anymore. It's gonna be a long and lonely road, I'm not sure if I'm up to it. Yet, I have to pursue all the options open to me, I cannot give up just after one disappointment. I see the importance of this lesson to me, I see the bond shared between my platoon mates and I (when they came to console me..not that I was crying but I was really sad), I see the love I share with the one I hold close to my heart and I see the extra time in the army as a platform to further build my character (and to learn things I'll never get the chance to later on). At the end of the rainbow is always a pot of gold waiting for you. Just gotta find your way there.

Got rejected from Medical School. Was really disappointed when the news got relayed to me on Friday, Wept a little and was having a terrible time. Talked to my platoon mates and we'll, it sort of eased the pain. Was marching back from the cookhouse and there was a rainbow in the sky. I see it as a sign of sorts, to tell me that no matter how sad life may seem, there's always beauty in nature.

Charles (super smart guy, going to Oxford for BBe and getting a deferment) asked me what my dream was and I couldn't answer him. I averted from his eyes and diverted from the main topic. His was to change the world and I truly believe in his ability to do so. Another friend of mine said his was to lead a simple and happy life. What about me? Becoming a doctor was just a goal, I wanted to touch the lives of people, to repent for my sins. We had a long talk together, and I came to a conclusion about the whole situation; there are many things in life beyond my control and if I ever fail to attain something I yearn for, I must learn to handle such disappointments and move on. It's about how I handle the whole brooding issue that matters. One door closed, another's open.

At this age (and other ages), we're all trying to search for ourselves, we do not really know what we want we our lives. And when I have finally decided to choose something I believe is me, something I believe in doing that has a certain meaning, I am prevented from attaining it. Right now, I have come to terms with myself. Things happen for a reason, and if this is a lesson for me, I hope I learnt it well. Do you know what you really want? Something more substantial than a new pair of shades or a nice monthly income...I dream of sharing my life with someone I love, have a happy family together and the ability to heal, to help make this a better world for those less fortunate. It's never wrong to dream. As Charles said, to have no dreams is to be human no more.

What are your dreams?

The wild boars in the jungles made me crave for certain food which I had for breakfast today: kway chup (braised pig internal organs with guo tiao) and roasted pig (lucky to spot them at the food store). Sweet revenge? Haha. But the wild boars were really scary, when they're up to knee-height and weigh heavier than a human being. A piglet even charged at us (the recce team) while we were waiting to link-up with the rest. Phew.

Just caught Bruce Almighty. The crowds were stifling! It's as if everyone's out 'cause Singapore's been declared Sars-free. Had a horrible week, especially Thursday and Friday when we were on an exercise. Was terrorised the whole of Thurs night by our sergeants trying to infiltrate our harbor base and Fri night by the huge wild boar trying to get our food. Was so tired yesterday when I got back but at least I was relieved and happy that the worst is over. But I misplaced my platoon's photo on the way home yesterday. Such an absent-minded bum. Gee.

The show's moral is that we should all try to strive for contentment. Do we really know what we want in life? Success? Money? Power? Love? Sex? New stereo/car/clothes/watch? Freedom? What if we finally get what we really want? Would we want some more? Human nature is such that we are constantly searching for something to own. But what if we finally attain contentment? Would life have any meaning to it, no matter how trivial? Would we be happier? Or is it just human nature to want to be sad, to feel pain, to remind ourselves we're real?

Am looking forward to the next two weeks of absolutely doing nothing important whatsoever in camp. Glad to have bonded so well with my section mates. Though we're not really well-liked by everyone else because they think we're too smug. But we're good. They're just jealous. Haha. All the powerhouses are here, man! Though when everyone was tired and shagged out, I was the only idiot running around doing all the shit work while the appointment holders were having their meeting and the rest just ate and slept. Tempers were frayed but I proved to be an asset more than anything. Gonna miss my pals when I leave. But ain't gonna miss this shit. Haha.

hf: Who are you? Haha. Do i even know you in real life? I was the scary looking dude who hanged around the gym too much (and later the library). Just an image of me. But i miss my training days. Sure, it was helluva painful physically all the time but throwing the javelin was a release of pressure and it was something i wanted to work for. Life right now doesn't seem to have much aim save for getting my ass out of the army, I think of it all the time. And the worse thing is that I can't do anything about it. Whole day I lament about the leash around my neck, I get sick of it all. But I can't stop. I'm just like that...maybe life's just full of shit like this and it depends on how you want to handle it all. I'm just revelling in all the depression I guess. Bad.

bubbles: went to snoop around ya blog too. live in sembawang? Everytime I come home, I realise that Sun Plaza has a new shop or something changed. Kinda sad to know that the world moves on without waiting for you. I used to be at the library so often but I hardly even go now. I end up buying my books instead of borrowing them. Army allowance goes to food, books, transport and movies.

This period of limbo/transition between jc and uni is so different for boys and girls. Us males have our national service to perform, some hate it (like me...goddamn waste of time and talent..feel so sad for this smart platoon mate of mine, meant for so much more), some love it, some lan lan just live through it. Females either end up stoning at home or try finding jobs to earn some cash and yet some are sad too 'cause it's so mundane and boring. The thing is that this might just be the beginning of life; when one is attached permanently to a job, leashed to it and living a super monotonous life. Do you want your life to be like that?

Just woke up not long ago. Shouldn't have joined the peeps for a movie yesterday 'cause it had been a truly exhausting week. But How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days was kinda of an okay show. I'm a sucker for romance la...Was barely recovered from my illness and I was digging a firetrench with the rest on Mon. The whole night I toiled and suffered as my body refused to cooperate. Was so tired less than one hour into the whole digging thing. My head was spinning and I couldn't breathe. But I endured through the whole night, thanks to my pals who let me rest for long periods. Kinda glad I pulled through it all but I'm definitely not doing it again.

I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't taken my mc. Would be at Pasir Lebar Camp having my live shoot.

Just scoured my archives for stories I had written, wanted to print them out for remembrance sake (and if I ever get to publish my own collection). Saw the entries before army and I'm saddened, saddened at my lost of freedom, my rights. I miss those days. Even though the period before the exams were dark, at least I had something to look forward to (the end of the exams). Now, everything's rigid and I could be jailed for not reporting back tonight. Had to call so many people to inform them of my absence today on Friday. I read the posts I made in Korea, I read the quotes from the books I read, I was free and I knew not.

I wish to end this reality.

"And soon enough, soon enough, this will all be a memory/ And soon enough, soon enough, this will fade like a photograph/ Of you and me."
Tom McRae - Human Remains

Sweat. Trickles of them running down my back. Fan. Blowing hot air onto my back. T-shirt. Wet and stuck to my back.

My head spins. Feverish. The room is dark. The voice is haunting. He wants me to follow him, follow him to the springs of life.

I see three-dimensional structures of white before my eyes, spinning round and round, like models in a computer program. He shows me the path. This way to the springs! Follow the path! My head thumps, constricts and pain shoots everywhere. I need water, my mouth's dry. But ain't no one around to hear me cry, ain't no one around to assuage my pain. I'm all alone in my darkened room, dawn hours away. The structures shift and move before me, I see Roman pillars, I see marble stairways. He shouts at me, See how we gain victory! Learn boy, learn! Move the troops like this..I clutch my head, fingers pressing down, hands covering my ears; go away!

GO AWAY!

The structures move again, spinning, shoving; This path shall lead you to the springs of life. I gather all my strength and stumble to my drawer where I keep all my medication. The haunting voice reverberates in my head as I rummage in the darkness, the pain, excruciating. Feverish. I find my pills and pop two into my mouth as I crumble weakly on my bed. His voice fades. I fall lightly asleep, mouth dry, head pounding mutely.

Whoozy, having a sense of non-reality. Is all of this real? Could I just turn and end up somewhere else? Where army didnt matter, when life ends?

Is it the effects of my depleting drugs and the running nose? Or could it be the thirteen hours of sleep I had? Weird. So weird. Time passes by. I feel it slip through my fingers and onto another reality I project my consciousness.

I feel like puking.

I feel like I'm all alone.

I feel that the world is filled with nasty people who wouldn't care.

Went to the doc yesterday and he gave me some fever medicine and vitamin c. Was alright for most of the day till nightfall. The fever came back with a vengence and it was hard to sleep. Woke up this morning with my temp around 38.3 degrees. The weird thing is that whenever I manage to get to the clinic, the fever will subside. My head was reeling in pain and I even vomited twice; everytime I stood up the floor seemed to spin and I felt nauseated. Doc says it's only a flu bug but I'm afraid it might turn into dengue or something.

Know what's the worse thing? I already have tickets for Matrix Reloaded at 8:30pm later. And now I can't go watch. Argh. Of all times to be sick...unlucky I say. Must be my bed number. hmm.

The bad thing about being sick at this time is that most people would try to avoid you. It's the stigma of having Sars and frankly, I hate the feeling of being outcast by people around me. I was told to sit at the other side of the clinic just now in case I spread it to the others. And people typically stood further once they found out you're running a temperature. I guess I scared the hell out of the cab driver last night when I told him to turn down the air-con and sneezed a little while after. He immediately rolled down the window at his side and promptly turned really rude to me. Bah.

I want to watch Matrix......

Having a fever today...highest was 38.8 degrees around noon time. Been trying to suppress it with paracetomol (something the doc will dispense anyway) but to no avail. I'll see the doc tomorrow morning if the condition doesn't subside...Hope it's not sars though. Ack. But I wouldn't mind a ten-day qurantine at home. Haha. Everyone's gonna be out clubbing tonight and I'll be staying home. Not really that bad...don't really feel like drinking and making merry anyway. Will place an ice pack over my head and watch a show on my comp...

My medicine interview on Wednesday went better than I expected. Realised that I'm more articulate than I think I am. Hope I managed to charm my way through. Heh. Really counting on it to get out of army...I cant stand all the military shit man, unlike seng. Heh. I cannot be an effective leader out in the field though I maybe aggressive enough. And I think my sergeant can see that I'm not really motivated to do well in the army. Nice fella he is though. But he's a little too small-sized...lol.

KK was telling me about how sad he is to see some of his former section mates turn into different people. For 3 months they had laughed, cheonged, pumped and survived bmt. Now, he looks at them and realises that all of them have changed in more ways than one. Seems like they were only nicer (or more restrained) because they wanted to get into officer cadet school. The chance has slimmed drastically now and they let loose of their behaviour, lashing out at others, culturing a superiority complex and distancing from the rest of the platoon. All of them are in my section now and I don't have past experiences to compare with. Yet, it must be sad to realise that friendship is so fragile, so full of lies and deceit. Three months ain't enough time to really know a person; and it probably takes a lifetime. My mom always say that we ain't no need that many friends, just one or two true ones and your life would be good. No wonder I don't really like people.

WOLVERINE!!


Which X-Men Character Are You??
brought to you by Quizilla

Didn't cheat at the test and I got my fave character. I'm a little like wolverine, seriously. My friends can attest to that...except that I wouldn't be caught dead wearing spandex..haha. I look better in executive clothes (and I hate army fatigues).

Freakingly tired...just came back from an impromtu "class" outing. Met some of my classmates, I would consider friends though, and we did a little catching up over dinner. Went to get my mom a gift, something I haven't really done in a long time.

It came to me that in life, many things do not actually happen the way we want them to. And this causes grieve and makes us worry. We're barely into adulthood and we're already worrying about whether we can get into this particular course in uni or not. All of us at the table aspire to be doctors and well, some of us have the oppurtunity of at least getting the medicine interview at nus but some of us just fell short due to grades. But does it really mean so much, this piece of education certificate? Dreams, aspirations, never concrete, always a what-if, always a why.

All of us are stuck in a moment of our life where we seriously consider what happens next. At least for now, there isn't much to aim for but only waiting to do. And it really saddens me to see that we may not even achieve what we set out for. What comes next then?

Been reading the bible and I'm taught that I shouldn't worry about things I have no control over and just surrender to the emotions causing all these pains/worries. It's not that easy...and I feel that most of us at the table have the exact same sentiments about our situations. Oh well...maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Then again, I've got guard duty tomorrow and will be booking in at seven in the morning. Sickening. Dying of exhaustion already,

There was once a man who could assimilate things around him into his personality, his looks and his perceptions. The only thing that tied him down to his core was a silver cord that extended from his heart to his conscience, which was like holding down to a balloon trying to break free into the sky. He walked through streets aware of his being, yet unaware of his being. He knew not what he was meant to do in the world, yet he knew he had to do something.

One day when he passed by an old beggar and sympathy overcomed him. Slowly, he felt his body shrink, skin sticking to his ribcage, cheekbones protruding into the air; he developed a hunchback and a nasty cough. He had turned into a beggar and through his own eyes, he saw the dejection and diplidation of the world and the human spirit. People walked by, ignoring him, hardly even acknowledging his existence. He tried to reach out to them for help, for food (for his stomach burned in its own acids), for help. None was given. Was such depravity the condition of the ugly human soul? Where was the love? Where was the compassion?

Before he knew it, he was morphing into an affluent merchant; pockets lined with gold and brimming with coins. Suddenly, he knew wealth, he knew power, he knew nothing. Inside the shell of a richly-fed man was emptiness; cold and unyielding, only the desire for more wealth in its epicentre. People around him did not matter, only his own tummy was important. Everything can be bought, friends, love, businesses, land; everything a person needs. And he went about in this manner for days, living the high life, revelling in the evils of mankind, singing praise to the gods of money! But he never felt happiness in all the moments spent in that persona. Everyday, there was the fear of loss, of loneliness that gripped his heart, squeezing it.

Escape the mercenary man he did. In a flash, he absorbed the essence of a child and he reclaimed his stolen childhood. Once again, he saw the world at a height of three feet, where everything seemed large and threatening. And all he knew was the love of his mother, one that eveloped him, one that made the tears go away. In the boy's world, everything was a game, the worries of the grown-up world mattered not. He picked flowers on meadows for his mother, he ran through the streets, he climbed trees for fruits. The freedom of youth, the joy of owning nothing that could be lost made him understand that in life, love is most essential.

All of his shifting days ended abruptly when he lost his grip on the balloon. It drifted high up into the blue firmament, wandered among the wispy white clouds and went higher and higher. Contained within the balloon was the accumulated experiences of the man, each conflicting the other, each a distinct voice of its own. It exerted pressure against the walls of the balloon, as was the air pressure outside. As it got closer to the stratosphere, the balloon burst. A limp, rubber remnant of the confusing self it once was slowly fell back to Earth. Such was the tragic end of the man who could assimilate everything around him, nothing but a piece of trash at the end. Perhaps it was a better end for him, for the different voices drove him crazy, showing him the many facets of humankind. A disturbing race, nonetheless.

I wonder if people still read me. Have I become too boring? Hmm.

Was thinking of how great if I could just live life simply. It's the desire for material goods that depresses a person. I want this, I want that...I need this, I need that. But do we really need all of them? So what if you have the biggest tv set and loudest stereo? So that you can fully experience what the dvd can offer? Why is it that human nature demands so? Why can't we all be selfless and care for everyone?

Am in quite a dilemma now, do I really have what it takes to sacrifice myself for others? Am I doing it for the money? I know the interviewers can sniff out a poseur a mile away; am I trying to be someone I'm not? It seems that to be selfish and mercenary is so much easier. Then again, I look at the whole profession and a deep cynicism runs through me: how many of them are not doing it for the money? How many are truly there to save lives? To heal? If it is so, then most of them probably lied through the whole process and ended up where they are. Wouldn't that grant me a chance too if I lied and not be true to myself? It feels like two different selves, pulling my mind in different directions. Can you see the paradox here?

Guess Aristotle is right, "All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind." No wonder eq told me to quote him.

"Our desire for another, to reunite our original nature, to make one out of two, to heal the state of man, this is an ancient desire, implanted in us. Separated, with one side only, like a flat fish, each of us is but a half-man, always looking for the other half. Human nature was originally one and were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love."
Plato - Symposium

Temper frayed; I have no wish to speak to anyone.

Am almost done with Hannibal, totally immersed in his dark world of blood shed and violence. The story starts off with an innocent Hannibal, feelings of hatred against Rome drilled in his head by his father. His father's death enrages him further. Thus begins his campaign against Rome, rounding troops and gaining small victories. He falls in love with the smart and beautiful Similce, a great addition to his army. Before his soldiers enter Italy, after the treacherous crossing of the Alps, Hannibal suffers a double tragedy; losing his newborn in the cold, his wife staked by the Romans after mass raping her. He loses his mind in grief, becoming a killing machine. Towards his end, on the verge of conquering Rome, he questions himself: what has become of him? what will happen after beating Rome? how far has he gone to be unable to return from this depravity? has he lost the ability to change, the gift of being young and impressionable? One-eyed, he sinks into deep depression.

I have yet to finish the story but Hannibal finally commits suicide before the Romans could get him. In his last days, all-powerful, all-conquering; he was lonely. Is such a fate available to all those who gain power, wealth and much more? Hitler's power grew so much till it finally crashed on him, Julius Caesar was killed by his very own, Saddam's world is in turmoil as US troops and his people have risen against him...I wonder if I would even want to end up with everything in the world but love. Perhaps I'm on my way there already.

Another lovesick chinese flash animation. Haven't finished it yet but it's rather corny and endearing at the same time. Files are rather large though. I've got The Thin Red Line, Brothehood of the Wolf and About Schmidt (along with 2 episodes of Smallville's season one and half of season two) lined up in my comp to watch. Argh. So little time, so much to do. Glad for the short break on Wednesday. Heh. X-men 2 on Wed! Can't wait.

By the way, received the interview notification from Nus. Interview's due on 7th May. Wondering if I should get myself a new pair of leather shoes (just another excuse to satisfy my shoe fetish..haha). Hoping to get in though. Sorted out some issues between business and medicine. But if I don't get in, I wouldn't fret that much; life probably has other plans for me. We'll see.

Very tiring week. Two consecutive days of cheong sua but it was fun. I feel that my superiors here are more reasonable and take more pride in passing knowledge to us. Ended the section training on Friday evening, stinky, dirty but happily. I've been the section commmander for the whole week (my sergeant likes to irritate me all the time) and maybe the role will be taken over tomorrow. Oh well. It was good to see team work and cooperation.

I hate blogger for screwing the post before I book in every week. Last week I had typed a post regarding Easter, and how I spent Sat and Sun in church. And I had burning questions; how does on determine sin in the world of today? Is sex still as dirty as viewed in the bible of old? Morals and social standards change with time, would that change the basis of sin? *shrugs* It's been a long week, can't seem to find the question within me anymore. =|

Don't ask me why I'm still awake. Just felt like writing something. Anger Management was hilarious though. Realised that my blog had kinda staled, the army consumed whatever left of my creative energy man. I guess the piece below owes its origins to Stephen King's Dark Tower series. Although I have no idea who the One is, this particular scene just popped into my head. See what you people make out of it. =) More coming soon.

The One

All alone. He faced His demons. The sea-salt breeze caressed his face as he stood in a small circle of five. On His left, the court jester; epitome of hypocrisy, smiling behind a mask full of tears; mind slightly deranged and weirdly sane. While on His right was the young one, still growing, always crying; full of capacity for Love. In front of Him stood the proud and haughty prince, golden spoon in mouth, a wealth of a kingdom at his finger tips; yet he exemplified chivarly and codes of honour of time past. The warrior stood on the prince's right, a stout character, borned out of stone and chiseled with steel; he stood mightily, rage burning off his skin. The brooding intellectual stands between the prince and the baby, always pondering about the world; cold and indifferent to all matters of the heart.

And He was Them and They were Him.

And the ground between them surged and charged with energy, bustling and cackling with heat and sparks. The waves of the sapphire sea ended up in froth five feet away from the odd circle as thunder clouds loomed overhead. All other life forms were still while the six engaged in their strange showdown. A battle of will, a matter of time; who wins, nobody knows.

The jester laughed amidst it all, the irony of the situation dawning upon him; his hollow laughter reaching far and wide along the beach.

"Fools! We're all doomed to this together. We share the same fate, the same destiny! A pinch of salt, that's what we are!"

The young one cried, hot tears streaming down his cherubin face. He does not like loud noises, especially coming from a lunatic; he yearned for his mother's touch.

The prince flinched at the sound of death. He concentrated. He could not lose his material wealth. His father had knights that would rescue him. Or would they? A forsaken son, an exile of the land he once called home? I am my own Lord. I bow to no one!

The warrior gripped his sword tight and prepared to strike. -Ol' bud, we've been through worse battlefields than this! My road does not end here!- Blood rushed to his head and gorging muscles, he was prepared to let some heads roll.

The intellectual took a deep breath -all life is transient, our time will ultimately come- and he sat down.

Lightning flashed and struck a tree nearby, setting it on fire. The orange flames licked at the heavens, taunting and jumping in their own victory dance. The One stands firmly on His ground and concentrates fully on all that He was taught by the Old Man In the Furnace. Embrace them, like you would a brother. Beware of them, like you would an enemy. Finally, trust in them like you in youself. The ruby hanging on his neck glowed and intensified, it engulfed all six of them in a blood-red light; the time had arrived.

He was Them and They were Him.

I hate short weekends like this. My laundry hardly dries, especially when it rains in the afternoon. My socks are still damp and my shirts smell faintly of mildew. And twenty eight hours after I booked out from the island, I'm on my way back. It's this forced separation of me from my surroundings, my civilian life that really gets to me. I have yet to see my mom this weekend, she's always away. And my bed hardly feels like it's been slept in. Something tells me it misses my weight on it. Oh well. We gotta do what we gotta do. As the old colonel said on Friday, during war, it doesn't matter whether you like it or not; but you have to fight, you have to defend your land. Bleh. I would rather be fighting on the side of humanity, against sickness and pestilence, instead of against other human beings. Without war, there would be no need for armies and peace would reign. If only.

Well, been a rather slack week. Been expecting more but we've yet to see anything yet. As training progresses, it'll definitely be a bitch. I've gotten along quite well with some of my new friends and honestly, it's hard to work with people. Everyone has their own personalities and prejudices; to be able to communicate and lead is quite a task. As my officer said, "True leaders are only evident when the going gets tough and they're the only one doing the work and motivation." I just hope to find out more about my capabilities in that area and discover whether I am as good as I think I am.

Weirdly enough, I'm actually not dreading going back tomorrow. I've actually convinced myself that it's gonna be fun. Haha. Mad, my section said I was. But I guess it's all in the attitude that I treat things with. Initially I was totally against all this shit and well, look where I ended up. Haha. I'm confident of my abilities and well, let's say I've decided to make them known. Watch out world, what's more dangerous than me having a good attitude? Hah. I'll check back in a week. Maybe then, all this good attitude would be gone. But hey, at least I tried.

I feel like how Spzilman felt in The Pianist when I write. My soul transfuses into my keyboard and I lose myself. In the scene where he played for the German captain, eyes closed and totally immersed in it all, the tune he played was hauntingly melacholic which probably saved his life. I feel like that sometimes when I express myself in words. Do I consider myself an artist then? Or just someone who wants to be heard?

The Holocaust was such a bad time for the Jews; war is bad. I think about the constant bombing in Bagdhad and all the fighting in the streets that's gonna happen. Dead bodies strewn neglected everywhere, grenades blasting away at buildings. The Pianist showed me the beauty and ugliness contained therein our human psyche. The madness that drives people to kill other people with minor differences, the sadism that causes human lives to be treated like flies and the kindness that exudes when people help others in times of need. Definitely a must watch but you probably can't catch it in a local theatre by now. Singaporeans need to be able to appreciate the finer things in life; especially good films like this. Look at the listings and the dumbest shows are the ones with the most showings (Kangaroo Jack? jack off, man...) I'm glad I've got my Kazaa. Hehe.

Forcibily having two cups of bitter herbal tea at 1:27am is not very recommendable. But it's my dad's way of showing his care (although the cup I'm staring at now is like super concentrated). Liang yao ku kou/good medicine bitter mouth...the worse it tastes, the faster one will recover. I do hope so 'cause I ain't gonna drink another one of these!

Did my sums in the afternoon, the next few years will be fiscal hell for me. And by refusing to rely too much on my poor parents, I've got to devise several ways to generate income while not sacrificing time on studies and all. At least I have the next two years plus to think about it. While I've nothing against people who choose to lay low and shirk responsibility, it's just not in my blood to do so. I've gotta be challenged for I'd think life's too boring if you just do the same thing day in and day out (but I'll launch into this complaining phase..haha) Society really favours those who are typically more hypocritical and more saka(bootlicker) than the rest. It works through all strata of this society, be it the workplace, the army or even school (remember k 'shane' o? muahaha). While there's nothing much you can do about it (other than turning into one of them), I'd take the advice of this taxi driver, "In life, it's better to let people eat you sometimes. At least you have a clear conscious and genuine people will treat you nice." I think most taxi drivers are philosophers in their own right, all the time spent pondering on life in the cab! Haha. Many of us do deserve what we receive in life but hey, be glad you're not dead, or crippled, or blind. Try and make the best out of every situation, I say. Ha! Imagine me saying that, the perpetual opposer of conscription! As I had learnt, lan lan suck thumb la!. You gotta do what you gotta do. Take care my friends. Sispec ain't that bad.

Why I am going to hell.

Scenario 1. Timberland store at Takashimaya. Seng and I were just browsing at the store went a salesperson came up to us. At that point of time, I was looking at the price tag on this shirt and he said, "Do you know that there's an offer...". Before he could finish, I pointed to one of the many signs available in the store and retorted, "I know. I can read." After which, Seng and I walked quickly out of the store and bursted into laughter. I'm evil.

Alright, got into Sispec. A little disappointed though. Must have slacked too much, refusing to put in effort. Oh well, at least there will be more camaraderie among us trainees. There'll be less cut-throat among the people, or so I hope...Anyhow, it beats being sent to a unit and serving out as a man. Too bad the pay's not as high as compared to an officer's. Gotta scrimp and save for the days ahead.

It's kinda sad that no one posted any comment on the new layout...I need some validation! I'm a freaking kaprikorn!

I got kinda freaked out today after watching May. The line between wanting to be dark/different/weird and being actually dark/twisted/weird is so fine yet so distinct. In the movie, May had this obsession with this guy, Adam, who said that, "gross interests me". And she started telling him about the death of a dog, with its guts spilled out, as they had ran out of dog thread for sewing wounds over at the animal hospital she worked in. He lost his appetite thereafter. In a scene where they were getting it on, she bit his lips (reminscent of his video he showed her) and lathered the blood over her chest. Like all self-serving guys, he dumped her after that. My point is, if you cant handle the heat, why play with fire?

I guess my biggest fear is the state of my mind these days. The stuff I'm exposing myself to: books, music, video games, movies et cetra. My sources of inspiration include people like Neil Gaiman, Stephen King, Clive Barker, Tim Burton...What disturbed me most were the images that ran in my head when I hear or read something. An example being me mentioning that I was scatterbrained and immediately, a picture of crows pecking on bits of brain matter scattered on the asphalt jumped right into my head. Freaky huh? While this may augur well for my writing, when I want to write about dark stuff, it scared the shit out of me. Who's putting all these thoughts into my head? Where do they come from? Imagine what people who work in this line see everyday. How do they sleep? Screams in their dreams?

Ever since I was a tiny weeny dude, I was intrigued by this side of our reality already. I still remember this pocket book my mom bought for me, it had cartoon drawings of vampires and the like, including tales of the Loch Ness monster and all. Next came Russell Lee's True Singapore Ghost Stories (early in primary school) and Stephen King came in when I was 12. I guess all the influences were already in place but it's worse now because I'm more conscious of things going on and I think more. I just have to remain constantly at this side of the road, never stepping across the road divider and staring up the nostrils of some demon, making an offer I cannot resist (for my soul that is).

Been spending the better part of my day perusing the animations and a few short films over at Atom Films. The most touching of all was the triology of Brother, Uncle and Cousin by Adam Benjamin Elliot. Though it is only claymation in black and white, it made me laugh, tear (in my heart) and sigh. Dysfunctional families and their quirks. Everybody has a tale to tell.

Having a ball of a time on my unlimited account. 2 episodes of Smallville so far and The Pianist downloading painstakingly in the background. The best job in the world would most probably be a movie critic. I wouldn't mind watching shows the whole day.

Wait! You did not stumble onto the wrong page! It's my spanking new layout, been putting it off for sometime now. Why bloomin' dead flowers? Well, I don't know actually. Came to my head when I was finishing my shower and I liked the oxymoronic feel it has. Was actually stuck with rather corny titles like: 'swingin' in the moonlight', 'the magic that i wield', 'screamin' in my sleep' etc. I opted for a lighter look this time round. However, I still ramble, and on occasions, still remain as a melancholic.

Some of you who have stuck with me since my early forays may have fond memories of red*monkey. Heh. I love the title and I had lotsa fun back then. My relationship with all this web thingy has lasted five whole years already...whoa. Unfortunately, my tools are outdated, still using the same old stuff I used two years ago. Till I get myself a new computer.

The procrasinator gets into motion and he cant stop!

Alright, finally cleared up my wardrobe and the clutter in the shelf above. Even scanned in my pictures and set up a gallery over at Pbase. Some of the pics are badly cropped or blurred cuz I'm just plain lazy. I just hope that no one ever steals my pics. All original works, unless otherwise stated. I've got comments added to a few pictures and please leave your comments on my guestbook if you will. I love to hear from fans. Haha. Narcissitic fool, I am.

Know who I think are pesky? Insurance agents! Especially ones that call you up and arrange a place to meet up with you so that they can "provide financial assistance". Sheesh. Like I'm so goddamn free (actually I am but I'm sure to find something to do). Anyhow, I'm bloody serving the nation at an allowance of $300+/month and these bloodsuckers want to get our money! Man. To the lady who has pestered me since last Saturday: go find your business somewhere else. I'm not a naive kid willing to part with my money, I understand all your margin of profit and crap lingo. Bleh!