Haven't been online for some time. I ain't got any access left...using volume-based so all I can do is chat. Sucky like hell. Btw, my mood's up. Hope it stays up though. This week's been kinda short. Skipped school on Tuesday on the pretense of a sprained ankle (I could still walk but I was lazy), left school at 10:40am yesterday through the back gate and ended up in Orchard for the entire day. Today, I stoned in school basically. My mind was pretty much sleeping. I'll be skipping school tomorrow to visit the Esplanade with my friends, we'll be spending the day enriching ourselves. Ain't half bad. Saturday's gonna be party night! Yea! I need some booze...and cigs...argh.

Been reading thrashy British novels lately. Finished Nick Hornby's How to Be Good last week and downed Mike Gayle's The Legendary Girlfriend in a day (Tue) Maybe they cheered me up. I dunno. The characters are really sad people and I realised I'm not even halfway down their paths. While I may have similar feelings, at least I still have more time than them to correct things. Life's moving perpetually and I need to remind myself that I shouldn't be dragging my feet too much.

46 friggin' days to A-levels!!! Muthafucking! Four more weeks to the practicals. I'll be mugging. I must. Retaking SAT in two weeks' time. I got 1420 the last time but I want more. I want to go to US...

New Radicals - Someday We'll Know

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question -
Why aren't you here with me..tonight?

Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you.....

Mandy Moore did a cover on this song. She's got a nice voice but I'm no fan (it'll dent my male ego...same with boy bands). If only life's easier...and love a simpler game to play. Songs associated with memories of moments with her bring upon such an ache that it feels like shards of glass piercing my heart. Sigh.

Can't sleep. Had too much tea during the wedding just now. Been surfing around for help on setting up a home-based business as well as researching for my future course of study. I want so much to study in either UCLA or UC Berkeley. I have no idea why I'm so drawn towards either school. I'm not really certain about what I want to take..perhaps mechanical engineering as a major would be a practical choice. It seems to have some elements of product design incorporated. I've got a liking for design and photography but I know life would be a bit harsher (less money) if I followed my heart. Sigh. So typical of an Asian student. Nevertheless, I would like to double major in political science/philosophy/business economics/economics. But I'm in such an indecisive mood right now, I keep changing what I wanna study every other day. Tough. I really hope to get a corporate overseas scholarship (i'm not working for the government bastards!). If that's not possible and if my family's financial situation allows, I would love to go the US. Still, if all else fails, I've to settle for something in NUS then. Not my best choice but a possible choice. Just hope that I get into its University Scholars Program. It provides the all-round education I'm so craving for. I can't just study purely science or arts alone!

My mood has yet to turn for the better. I'm still down. Went to the gym today, somehow I don't feel like I had a very fruitful workout. Will have to wait for tomorrow when I cant even move without feeling pain. I love pain, it means I'm growing. Growth is good. Sometimes I really want to be not as complicated as I am. My brain's so weird, it spews stuff that a) makes me a joke b) confirms the fact that I'm too radical. I don't like this society I'm in now. I rather be a farmer. Harder but simpler life. I don't want all this anguish, I don't want all this depression. Take my pains away. Somebody.

I think I finished among the last in my class for the recent exams. My teacher was pissed with me 'cause he knows I can do so much better. I never did study. My aim was to do not so well so I would be disappointed and I'll start mugging for my A's. I know I'm smart but I'm so damn lazy. I hate what I'm studying. It's all rubbish. Yet, it's crucial for my future. I fucking hate this life. Why would anyone be interested in me anyway? I'm so damn anti-everything. How could one have loved me so deep? How did things end up this way? I tried asking God but He doesn't wanna reveal His plans for me. Looking at the way I'm going now, I feel somehow that my life is going nowhere. It's those mid-life crisis people normally get when they're 30-odd. I'm too old for my age sometimes. I rather be carefree and shit. Do drugs the whole day or something. Just escape from all this shit. Sorry I sound so negative today. I just am. I think I'm even more twisted and convoluted than my online persona 2 years ago. This is perhaps my only refuge from the world. I've been reading self-help books and they dun seem to help. All they say is that change must come from within not without. It's too fucking hard. I'm gonna start studying soon though. I'm garnering myself for the 4 As. I dun wanna disappoint myself again.

I'm sorry I'm being such a cold, unfeeling jerk right now. I've managed to steel my nerves and walled my heart. There's a moat between us now, it's uncrossable. Things didn't work out and they should just remain as it is now. There's no point trying to hold on. No point. I have lost you once and I don't wanna do it again. I've repeated this phrase over and over, it's my way of protecting us. Why go through further disappointments and sadness? I haven't been the nicest guy...in fact, I acknowledge that I'm one of the most difficult person on Earth. Negative, cynical, caustic and angry. Who would even love me? You did and I saw it not. I chose to give it all up for your happiness. You'll be happier without me. Not now but in the future. I think. You say your parents can accpet me no more, I still respect them and I think it was coming. I'm glad for the very few nice times I shared with your family. I'll miss your brother. We had fun (but no thanks for the broken thumb..hurt it again today).

I may sound like I want you out of my life but I don't. I would rather we remain friends but this is how I'm handling it. I don't want you or I to develop anymore intimate ideas. We both hurt each other too much. I'm trying my best to let go. So should you. We're still friends. I never said we're not. I just don't want either party to fall in love again. That will cause unneccessary trouble. I'm sorry for the way I'm acting now. I can't help it. My mind's resolved.

Oh God, make my wish be true. Let us be happy no matter what path we choose, let her have wisdom and not make any wrong choices anymore. Tell me this is the best for both of us. Don't let us regret this in the future. I thank you for everything my Lord. Amen.

Brian McKnight - One Last Cry

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

(She dedicated the song to me. *ouch*)

Today we got back some of our prelim results. I was kinda expecting what I'll get so I'm not too shocked. My scare tactic works though. I'll be studying very soon. Just gonna take a little break first though, I don't wanna burn out like the last time. Guess my results are just mediocre, nothing fantastic. My physics teacher, Mr Chow, is quite disappointed. I can tell. Well, I didn't take the whole examination seriously and I deserve it. I need to be scared before I work. BTW, my cca record is quite screwed. It's tough being a sportsman...we train so hard and yet we can never match up with the softy cca office bearers. Unfair but thus is life.

On a side note, I got caught for my sideburns again. Damn. My chem teacher commented that my hair like exploded or something. Ah, who cares? I like my hair. I'm going for the dishevelled look. I've got a goatee and sideburns going. No way I'm shaving them off. It takes too long!

I'm trying to adjust comfortably into this new life. The whole day today, I spent my time talking cock with my booze buddies/sun2 you3. Brought my mind off stuff for awhile but whenever I'm left alone, my mind wanders and songs just keep playing. Oldies, r&b, the works I tell ya. Depressive and lovey-dovey tunes though. It's kinda hard trying to change things, I think about it so much, my only solitude's when I sleep. Then again, I might just dream of her. Her lovely eyes, her smile, her smell, her touch...it's hard to let go. But I'll survive (Cake cover). Just not so soon. I'm mourning the death of my heart. It's a long funeral procession.

was listening to sinatra crooning in the background...typing of keyboard now...

Love hurts you know? When everything comes to an end, it feels as if something within you has died. The flame that scorched brightly once, extinguished. The ambers continue searing and burning. Stir-fried memories, sweet and sour, continue weighing down my heart. Things done together will never be the same again. Her pictures are safely kept but somehow, I guess I'll always return to steal a glance or two. It hurts.

It took me two weeks to finally come to terms with things. I tried to drown my sorrows through smoking, drinking and clubbing. I got so high, my friends thought I would do something silly.And I played my playstation 2 (bought it on the day...) excessively. It numbs but the pain remains every moment I am awake. When I sleep, I've got nightmares and I wake up screaming (muffled ones..) hoping that she'll be there to hold me. But she's not. It hurts.

Now I've gotta live my life all over again. I've gotta rejoin the ranks of the USS (unattached, single & sexy). I've gotta put things in the past and forge forward. It's tough but I guess this is life. I always yearned to have love and well, I never did appreciate it. I wasn't prepared for all the trimmings that came along with its idealised image. Now, everything of her reminds me of the good times we spent together. The bad times (mainly caused by me i guess) don't register much anymore. I've loved and been loved once. I didn't appreciate anything she did and I got overly possesive. Things shouldn't have been that way. I've gained wisdom from all this and if love happens to me again, I'll know. I'll never let it go either.