"You see," he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."

Mitch Albom - Tuesdays with Morrie. pg. 61.

Spent the morning watching business news and NFL. American football is such a tactical sport and the players must possess real athletism. Brought to mind something I read that American CEO's are so good at what they do because of their varied college experiences and football, which hones their thinking skill. The game by itself is so much more exciting compared to soccer. Too bad I never attended a school where rugby is the school sport, a pity really.

"What I think that makes a good entrepreneur is the passion, the drive to succeed."
Steven Ting, CEO Frontline Pt. Ltd.

"Honesty, integrity, determination and always hire people who are better than you are. That's how you build a team that will bring you success. Good looks help too!"
- Collective quotes from several important looking people in a short segment

Got the quotes off Asian Entrepreneurs, a CNBC production. They featured Sirivat Suravetvathikun (had to see the name twice to write it down) of Sirivat Sandwich. He was declared a bankrupt due to the economy burst in '97 but he never gave up. Such is the determination that I hope I possess. In my mind, I know that I will never be able to work for anyone. Yet, I have devised this strategy to beat NS - to get into medical school (provided that results are satisfactory and I enter OCS). From then on, I may be trained to be a doctor but I believe there will be opportunities in between to earn some revenue; to build up my funds. Although medical school comes with a five-year bond, it is within this five years that I'll learn to work with people, earn more funds and to make contacts. While I may want to be a trained psychiatrist, my goal is to own my own company (a corporation even!). I'm thinking whether it's possible to hold a job in the hospital while starting up my own company. The road sounds tough but frankly, anything else would be just too easy. First million by 30! And thus, I anounce to the world - my intentions and my dreams.

I have this fear that I might end up being of no use. Right now, I'm dreading these feelings of waiting; waiting for enlistment to arrive and waiting for results to come in March. It is irritating to be unable to proceed any further in life at the present moment. So what if every eighteen-year old male has to undergo this process? I'm not one that can sit down and wait for things to happen. I'm meant for change, I'm meant for great things. It's kinda like serving out a jail sentence, patiently waiting for the end to come. Argh. So what if it's a rite of passage? A testament of malehood? I have no need for such a test.

I swear I am driving myself crazy...with all these emotions in me. Punched my bed for a while, screamed into the pillow lest the neighbours call the cops and I still fear that I'm unable to contain all that is boiling within. Doesn't help to read an email from someone I least excepted to hear from (will write back when I'm more sane). My jaw's clenched, my fingers quivering. I could kill somebody now. I really could. And no one's around. C's sleeping and my buddies are all out clubbing. Couldn't join them because I was out with C and wasn't even dressed for anything. I'm just burning in my own anguish. Just burning. I hope that I can cool down after writing all this but I can't. My blood is coiling. I need a release......

Argh. White rage. I haven't been consumed by anger for such a long time. One day, I'll just beat up my brother to show him when to show me respect. Bloody hell. I have enough of his insolence already.

First day of work at the spa. I'm a therapist/receptionist/scheduler now. Not gonna get paid for today and tomorrow because it's training. So much shit to learn, lucky I'm a fast learner. Hope to get the car wash job by next week. And I busted $123.60 on 2 sets of office wear, glad there's a post-Christmas sale, 40% off! haha.

Finished 2/3 of Mitch Albom's Tuesdays With Morrie last night and completed the rest this morning. Left me thinking about life in general and I think I am gonna prepare myself to emerge from my indifferent self. In life, we should find something meaningful to pursue, not wealth or power but how you would affect the lives of others in a positive way. Will post quotes from the book. =) Without love, we would all die.

My stomach's queasy, my head's feeling light and there's a pit of despair in my stomach. Why is it so hard to swallow sadness? When one gets drunk, everything hidden deep down inside is all revealed (though not all said is coherent or true, all up to the listener's discretion). I wish I could be drunk and let all my feelings out; to release all that's hidden inside; to relinquish its grip on me. I have one too many bad dreams already, can't I ever sleep in peace? Have I managed to hide them so well, even I can't pinpoint the source? Anybody wants to take care of a drunk and listen to what he has to say? Tell me when I'm sober.

Here's a picture I took using my cousin's lousy compact camera (which caused several prom pics to be missing. Dark hues due to post-photoshop-production). However, it's the photographer with the vision, not the camera with the viewpoint.

Dinner went well. Got complimented for my food. =) Was really fun just being crazy with the peeps. Pics will be up courtesy of neth soon. Anyhow, the night soon degenerated into a puke fest. We finished 1 /12 bottles of Jack Daniels, neat, between yong, yk and me (the rest took small portions). Never have I seen anyone so wasted before. I got puke on my body which induced further puking of my own. Luckily I did in the toilet and I was knocked out soon after. Seng spent so much time taking care of yong, yk couldn't stand properly but we had fun. Lol. Oh well, merry christmas to all of you out there. Hope yong feels better soon.

Menu for Christmas eve dinner prepared by yours truly (after much deliberation and budget balancing):

Starters:
- Mushroom/Chicken Chowder (Campbell)
- Fried Chicken Wings

Main Course:
- Baked rice w/ bacon
- Salmon w/ garlic + baked potato
- Honey-glazed ribs (from Cold Storage)

Desserts
- Ice cream (if budget allows)

Drinks:
- Jack Daniel's
- Martini

Due to budget constraints and me being broke, I have no wish to shell out more than neccessary for the food and drinks. Do hope the rest of the peeps will chip in. If I had a job, I wouldn't be so uptight with money but frankly, I'm broke like hell.

Seething anger.

Went for a interview that was not meant to be due to a private function. Asked me to go back tomorrow at 2pm. It's Christmas eve and I have other plans already. I think I shall just become a car washer.

Did enough bitching just now. No more fire left.

Shopping was never this fun! Look at my wishlist and buy me a thing or two. =) Your random act of kindness will be deeply appreciated.

Gonna go for an interview at Esplanade later. Frankly, I have no idea what it is about, save for the fact that it's gonna be a waiter job. Kris told me about it and said she wanted to go for it today too. Thus, I rescheduled all my plans today to accomodate the interview and now it seems like I have to go alone. Argh. Hope I can find where to apply for an interview. lol. A job is much better than lazing at home everyday, waiting for hand-outs from my mom. It's my aim to be financially independent early on in my life. And it's gonna start now.

Prom pics courtesy of kenneth. Bleh. Discriminating photos of me inside. lol. Check out my pecs. =)

Was updating my address book and I realised that many people inside were no longer in contact. I have no idea whether they moved or changed their numbers or where they went to school. It's kinda sad that we are all so dispensable in each other's life; a dab of the correction fluid and gone will be a person's contact, perhaps leaving only a dim memory of who the person was and his significance in your life. If I die, who would mourn? Who would remember? We are all fleeting images of once-living things in our minds. Do you ever doubt your existence? And what do we live for? A life that's a tiny weeny fraction of the enormous sprawl of life in the universe; how significant is that?

On Wednesday, I skied for the first time in my life. I picked it up the fastest; I was skiing away from the group within 5 minutes of putting on the skis, . After a few more self-taught moves, I took the lift up to the top of the beginners' slope. It wasn't very steep but for someone of my standard, it was cool. Started coming down at a very fast speed; luckily, I arrived at the bottom unscratched. The adrenaline rush was so addictive! So i decided to go up a second time. Haha. But this time I wasn't so fortunate, I was moving too fast for my own good and couldn't get out of someone's path and collided into her or him; which sent my headfirst on the slope. Ouch. Got a little headache from that but I was deterred. I love the rush! I used to play Cool Boarders on my PS till I got snow blindness. heh. Now, I was experiencing the real thing. Maybe I found my niche, the need for a natural high. Someday, I'm gonna go snowboarding man. Extreme sports here I come!

I'm back; back to my homeland; back to this grey reality called life; back from the reprieve of a vacation. Have you stopped and wondered what this life is all about? How does one's experiences count in the end? I, for one, love travelling. If I ever get to choose an executive job, I wouldn't mind one where I get to move around a lot. All of a sudden, the world looks a little bigger, the customs more foreign and languages stranger. I have a resolution to learn at least two more languages within these few years, to facilitate my future travels. It was hard trying to convey my feelings in Korea, especially when I look like one of them. It occurred to me that Singapore is just too small a place for me. I am a citizen of the world, I belong to everywhere and no where. I don't belong here.

8:20pm here. Walking alone on dark roads in a foreign land is something only crazy people do. But taking a leak by the side of the road was fantastic. lol. There's seriously nothing left to do here and I'm bored. There's nothing on tv either. And I'm sure I have enough energy to do more shit. Wrestling in the snow was fun, as were snow fights. But it makes my gloves wet and then it becomes freezing cold. Thank god for the invention of heaters and alcohol. Heh. Will be skiing tomorrow. Hope I can burn off all the calories consumed today. Food's not that bad but kimchi still sucks. I wish my friends were here, we'd be having hell of a fun even without any amenities.

Yo. Reporting live from Korea. Muthafucking place doesnt use the GSM system and the fucking wall sockets are different. I've ran out of batt and there's no way anybody can contact me. Lol. Was helping this bunch of kids buy booze but they got caught when the supermarket staff ran out to confiscate the goods. Sheesh. Having language problems man...Cant even communicate with anyone properly, save for the few phrases I have. Lol. Argh. Need to get to a phone soon. Fucking IC card I bought is spoilt. Waste W3000 = around SGD$4+. I have around 10 minutes left to use this comp. Lol. Coin-operated internet. Right. Oh yea, it's snowing. Lotsa white snow outside the hotel. Gonna have a snowball fight tomorrow~

Enjoying the last few moments of walking around half-naked. Will be leaving for dinner and then the airport soon. Just hope to have a safe journey and a fun trip. Not in a very friendly mood at the moment; my sleep has been disrupted once too often. Anyhow, will try to post from Korea if there's enough free time on my own. In the eternal words of Greta Garbo, "I just want to be alone!".

I'm getting sick of Ben Okri's A Famished Road. All the descriptive language is making me sleepy. Am bringing my Neverwhere up to Korea to read and I still have David Ambrose's The Man Who Turned Into Himself to finish when I get back. Bleh.

I hope it snows. Bought a roll of b/w film. Gonna take gritty urban side of Korea. Winter isn't the best time to use colour film, as I learned in China. However, you do get brilliant azure cloudless skies. But the light fails quickly and everything loses its colour.

Just did my packing. Phew, kinda heavy but I left some space for stuff I will buy later one. Somehow, I have this feeling that I might buy another bag there to accomodate things. lol. Collected my prom pics, some were badly taken...sigh. Even with an idiot-proof camera, people can go wrong. There were many missing pictures loh. So irritating. Lousy camera too and it ain't even mine. Oh well. My flight's at 2345 hours tomorrow and I'll be back by 2040 hours on Friday, 20 Dec. Cool, I can at least make it for the party on 21st or a treat by ls. =) Class chalet's during the weekend, will show my face for the bbq. Heh.

Chinatown. Was in the area with my mother just now but before she came, I had to wait like 30 minutes for her. Thus, I explored the newly renovated area, my grandmother's house used to be there; the whole of Nankin Street was given a fresh coat of paint and several buildings were demolished. Images from my childhood were juxtaposed with the current colourful view in front of me; I could still see the street as it was in the night; dark and dank; orange halogen lights on the sides. I could still smell the faint smell of dirty drain water and hear the butcher butchering pork at night. I could vaguely point out where the candy shop was, where I used to buy my firecrackers (pom pom kind...before they too were banned); I remembered the barber that grazed my ear, causing me to cry like he snipped it off; I still walked down the dark corridor leading to my grandma's house, the drain outside which my leg once slipped through, leaving a scar. It was sad to see everything reduced to its present clean and bright state. The place has lost its old charm. Changes. They never stop. I could sense the sadness in my mom's voice when she tried to locate the house but could not. Even memories fail us; frail creatures that we are.

Here's the plan if I get a really nice tour guide in Korea:

1. Ask him to bring me to one of their clubs there
2. Have an enjoyable time (jae-mi-id-ke-jal-ji-naess-sum-ni-da)
3. Call in sick in the morning if I manage to stumble back to the hotel
4. Explore the goddamn place myself

However, this plan is flawed as I have to spend at least 2 days in the same hotel. Something I doubt, since I have forgotten much of the itinerary already. I just know we're going to very boring places and I rather spend the time wandering around. Bah. Fuck typical tour groups. I want to go backpacking!

Everyone's misery is his own. Some just have different ways of dealing with it. There's no point in being judgemental. Some people are really sincere when they try to help, why diss them off? We all suffer alone ultimately. But sometimes, it's good to have people to hang on to when everything seems to be at its bleakest.

Anyway, the gu gu birds have humourous pics of their stay in aussie land. I doubt I'll be having that much fun in Korea, especially when I'm travelling with a bunch of old ladies from the office. Bleargh! I wish I get a cool guide. The businessmen and their escorts yesterday were telling me how pretty Korean girls are, they're afraid I won't even be able to come home; my heart stolen by one of those creatures. Haha. Life's not so beautiful, please!

Time is relentless; it ages people and makes them grow out of shape. We as human beings are slaves of time; forever enchanted by it, forever in its grasp. We are governed by our own laws, nature's laws, our instincts and ultimately time. It's scary to see how fast people grow old, wrinkles appearing overnight, and faces everchanging. Kids yesterday are now almost adults. Teenagers quickly renounce their pesky ways and enter into reality. We are judged by our own petty jealousies; our own insecurities; our consciousness. It's with every step we partake in this existence that we discover more about ourselves; who really are and our place on this Earth. I found my place, whilst staring at rain pouring from the heavens at a rest stop familiar yet foreign in the afternoon. I am my own man and I define what I want to do with my life. I could easily be a bus driver, plying my trade across the causeway; I could be a writer with millions in loyalties, shuttling between countries for inspiration; I could also be a failed businessman, desperately trying to sell my company. Millions of youngsters worldwide and I are standing at the crossroads of our lives, pondering what to do with it. It's tough to look beyond the superficiality of situations but somehow, we must manage. In the end, we all meet our Maker; only difference is the impact you want your life to make on other lives. Sleep tight, for tomorrow is yet another ardous journey, rest your tired legs. We will be starting on a new ride soon.

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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I told you I was scary...

Just finished Time and I'm getting rather concerned about how our society is evolving. First, the article on the onset of diabetes in Asians freaked the hell out of me. I have a feeling that it may be a big part of my life in the future. There's a need to educate the masses about the adverse effects of leading a too sedentary life. Secondly, the upcoming Sims Online is crap man. Why was the journalist so excited about the launch? Is there such a need to replace our real lives with one solely based on the Net? Imagine the social implications this will have on the psychological well-being of those who will blur the lines between their physical existence and their 'simulated' ones. I'm so sick of the puns the idiotic journalist put into his article; 'simbiosis' anyone?

Was hanging out with my dad yesterday on some of his business stuff. Then he dropped me at KL C.C for some shopping. Bought Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere and saved 3 bucks on Loreal's Remix. Was looking for a pair of pants but goddamn Nautica ran out of my size. Such a good discount! Somehow, everyone's seems to be giving me lotsa dough; my budget just increased. Will do some shopping later after I observe my dad deal with some Korean businessmen.

Had a dream last night, pleasant while I was in it, crap when I'm awake cuz I feel the need to repent. I dream everytime I sleep and it's disturbing. Disrupts my rest too. I wake up feeling like shit. Argh. Need to find something to help me sleep better.

Greetings from Kuala Lumpur. At my dad's office now. Terrible mess. I'm helping out with some tech issues and also to help type emails in proper English to certain overseas company. Seems to me that there are some rather pesky issues to be dealt with. I'll be exploring the city alone later, hope I don't get mugged or anything. And the number I'm currently holding now can't seem to send international SMS. Sent a couple yesterday but no reply. Hmm...please be understanding. Feels more like a job attachment than anything now. Heh. No one's in the office save for my dad and me 'cause the lazy malay bums are off on holiday. Bleh.

A close scrutiny of the history folder reveals several incriminating sites. It's so easy to get people in trouble. gtg now. Have to send emails.

Visitor 666 please leave a note! Thanks. Click on comment and say something, ya?

If I had cash to burn, I'd want Series 4 of the Living Dead Dolls collection. I like Sybil the best. Heh.Things in strait-jackets intrigue me. Maybe I'd own my very own someday. Maybe.

[2:18am] I suddenly have a craving for one of those small pizza crackers; you know, the cylindrical ones with the filling in the middle? Man. I love them. Haven't tasted one in ages and now, I can literally feel its tangy taste on my tongue.

Leaving for KL tomorrow afternoon. No one's coming along with me, so it'll just be me, myself and I. Ah. Solitude. Sometimes I crave for it to such an unhealthy extent; people start calling me eccentric. Oh well, have yet to pack my bags yet. Later. It feels good to leave my life behind for awhile, to escape life in stifling Singapore. All I hope for is rejuvenation of my spirits and to rearrange some thoughts. I'll probably be wandering the city alone...daunting yet exciting. Haha. Such ambivalence!

Small Stories has some rather interesting comic strips. Some worthy of mention incliude: Valentine's Day, An Interview With A Human, Pulling and The Sound. I'm a sucker for images in boxes. =)

which eye are you?
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i: I'm so tempted to do something now. Something akin to screaming my lungs out but I don't know what.
c: why?
i: just feel like it. who says i don't show you my depressed side?
c: why are you depressed?
i: no idea. it comes as swiftly as the night.

How does the world view me as a person? I feel like a sleaze ball.

At least God would forgive me for all my misgivings. Amen.

Santa vs Snowman was cool for the 30 minutes before the projector died. Oh well, at least I think it was gonna be a waste of the money. Haha. Got a refund and free passes to the next movie. LOTR: The Two Towers! Cool. Anyway, so not going for SAT tomorrow morning. Screw it la. My 1400+ score the previous try is more than sufficient. Wasn't thinking when I signed up for tomorrow's test. Idiot. Waste of money and time. I'll make it back somehow. Bleh.

I'll be leaving for Kuala Lumpur on Monday with my dad. Short notice cuz I just thought of it like just now. I wanna get out of Singapore for a while. I find it totally suffocating being here right now. Need a change of scenery. At least I get the whole house to myself when my uncle and dad leaves for work. Heh. Plus, I think I'm old enough for them to let me wander around alone. =)

Sometimes, I'm so impulsive about things I want and want to do, I don't think of the consequences. The above-mentioned events are enough evidence for it. Can't help it that I'm so easily removed from my present surroundings and situations. Being indifferent helps too. Finished The Cider House Rules finally. I liked Garp better, easier for me to associate with. I think medical school will be where I'm heading next if my grades allow for it. We'll see.

Prom came and went. It didn't even register much. We were pissed 'cause our table got shifted all the way to the back. Went around taking photos with people. We rushed to Lox at Clarke Quay after the prom ended. The place was sweltering but I had fun. Heh. We went back to our hotel room and were stoning around. Won at blackjack; thanks to my gambling genes. Haha. I fell asleep for awhile before Kris came looking for me. She had more problems with Mark since the last time she and I talked to each other.

Me: Don't you realise that how things seem to pass so quickly? What do you want to do with your life? We could all just die like today and never register anything in this existence at all. What would have quantified our being then? Or are we just ideas thinking that we are merely alive?
Kris: Now you're getting philosophical.
Me: Heh. I'm finally awake!

http://www.fray.com/drugs/things/
I wondered what I gave and would be giving.
I gave myself heartaches.

'Right,' Homer would say, and together they would demolish a building - just shove it into time. When time passes, it's the people who knew you whom you want to see; they're the ones you can talk to. When enough time passes, what's it matter what they did to you?
p.556. The Cider House Rules, John Irving.

btw, I'm freaking broke. Hope I can land myself something good after the Korea trip. And I remembered I have freaking SAT this Saturday. Right. A waste of time, I say.

[12:57am] Being hungry is definitely not good for those creative juices. Can't even come out with some decent. Bah.

The Walking Parasite
Went to town at around 3pm. Joined yong, seng and teng ren for a late lunch and went searching for teng ren's prom stuff. All of them were so wasted for having been awake for 24 hours! lol. Though I didn't sleep much, at least I didn't have as much activites as they did. lol. They went home near six and I had nothing to do so I decided to stick myself to anybody I knew.

Gan and Miao were coming to town from Jurong so I decided to wait for them at Kinokuniya. Had myself an expresso freeze at Coffee Express while waiting. Then a familiar face scooted by - James! The little dude hasn't grown an inch but his face matured somewhat. Heh.

James: Who you with?
I: Me, myself and I...
J: Right. Just like you. Always the one sitting in a corner reading your books. Heh.

Made some small talk and had to go all the way to Cineleisure to find the couple. When I saw them, was surprised to see Gan's face filled with scratches; the result of a failed bicycle stunt. Ouch. Was walking with them for a while when I bumped into Melvin, my junior. It was the 2nd time I saw him in like 3 days. Sheesh. Talked to him for less than five minutes and the couple had already abandoned me! I knew I was being a lightbulb but still...Haha. Actually we just sort of missed each other. Got reunited with them shortly and went to the library. Was trying to look for Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness when Wanshi waved from outside the window. Lol. She just came back from her Thailand trip and was so excited to see us. Me, being the parasite, decided to leech onto her for the time being. Heh. Called kris, who was out with her gal friends in town, and sort of arranged something later in the night. Man. I was just meeting people I know like everywhere. Went walking around with Wanshi and her friend and waited for her to be done plucking her eyebrows at a saloon. Saw Johnny and Darryl Lim having dinner in Macs and I went over to steal some fries and drinks. Heh. Went home shortly after 'cause I didn't want to stay out late. Didn't managed to meet up with kris but it was okay. Heh. I was just being bo liao and wanted to waste my time. Gonna do a revamp of the whole site; even a title change. Heh. Stay tuned.

Oh I miss my buds in aussie! Hope they remember to get me my board shorts. Haha. Yk, dc, law and merv; if you all are reading this, don't forget us! Haha. Get me more stuff too. Don't forget the cigs and booze. We need to plan something for Christmas. Haha. A hut in Sentosa anyone?

Went swimming in the morning. A nice mister corrected my mistakes and I gotta go back to practise my strokes soon. No wonder it always felt so tiring trying to swim; my strokes weren't even aerodynamic and I needed a pair of professional eyes to see where all my faults were. In the end, I felt less shagged and was able to swim more than usual. There was this NJ girl who was swimming non-stop. Freaky! My back hurts like hell now, need to see the sinseh soon. I'm in a clubbing mood~ hehe. Get the party started!

'My ex-girlfriend gave me a clock for Valentine's Day. We Chinese have a saying about bad luck associated with giving clocks as gifts. Perhaps it came true when we broke up. The clock looks exceedingly girlish; a painted yellow border with hearts at the four corners. I didn't really like it but it was a gift anyway, so I let it stay in my room; to brighten up the sombre atmosphere.

The clock worked fine for a few months till the end of the relationship. I take it as an omen. Exactly on the day we parted ways, it stopped ticking. I didn't bother changing the battery till days later. And it never seem to work since then. It probably moved an hour for every twenty four hours. But I didn't care. I have my own alarm clock.

The other day when I came back home at seven in the morning, the shelf that my clock was placed upon was bathed in rays of blood red sunshine. I was amazed but I fell asleep almost straightaway. Today, with the prospects of a new relationship beginning, I heard ticking from the clock again. It may be linked to my status, maybe not. It could all just be due to a faulty design. I may solve the mystery someday but till then, I shall bask in the rays of a new sunrise, to soak in the sun and remain less wary of what the future might bring. We could die today, why bother about tomorrow?'

Fuck. I've got nothing to do. What the hell man? No more notes to study, no more anticipation for wild fun (cuz I just had some) and no more late nights with my cigs (promised to take a hiatus). Argh. I want my bouncer job!

Interestingly, I haven't slept in my bed at night for the past few days. Haha. Today's a freaking Saturday night and I'm stuck at home! Was too tired the whole day to do anything. Managed to catch back some sleep in the afternoon. Now, if only I can keep myself sober enough. Lol.

Muthafuckin' just got home. Been awake for almost 24 hours and out since 8pm last night. Bad things just come in packages don't they? Had to leave so early cuz I was pissed with my mom; we were quarrelling about monetary issues (she did the scolding, of course). If my filial peity is ever in doubt, please disown me. Fuck man. I think I'm quite a filial son to everybody out there. I just refuse to support your stupid habits!

Reached the party in a rather foul mood. The guys told me that some girls were staring at me and saying, 'That guy in black!', albeit angrily. Maybe I stepped on their toes. Got so fucking wasted, I had no mood to dance. Then I lost my bloody keys and I couldn't come home without causing further discord between my mom. So we hung around the central business district from 4am - 6am. Went to the north with seng to have breakfast and came home slightly after my mom left for work. Was hoping my brother would open the door for me. Guess what? He was in school! Fuck man. Had to travel all the way to his school just to get the bloody keys. Still gotta duplicate myself another set later. Grr. Have to call up some job prospects later too. See if anyone would hire me. Gonna get more shelling later when my mom comes home. Bah.

At least I caught myself before I fell into another one of those pathetic wallow-in-self-pity situations at around 6:20am at City Hall MRT station. Decided to be proactive then be a victim of my situation. Gonna get some money!!!

FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM
FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM
FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM
FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM
FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM
FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM

*composes himself*

Alright, it's time to burn your books and start having fun! =) Just did my hair, rather expensive but I think it's worth it. Heh. Now I need to find extra sources of cash. Show me the money!

Do sons always have to follow in their father's footsteps? Not only are genes from the father inherited, the habits and influences a father has on his son is undeniable. Abusive fathers lead to abused sons who go on abusing their own offspring. Thus, a vicious continuation of violence carries on in the family. Can this violent streak be linked to genes or the family's environment? I fear that I'm turning into my father, along with all his bad habits and view on life. A chip off the old block, some might say. I wonder if my grandfather was like my father. I'm susceptible to inheritable diseases such as diabetes. Do I have to lead a life that will lessen its impact or should I just lament that it's unavoidable? Two generations before me smoked and I'm slowly veering down that path too. And what can my father do? Tell me to stop? He should be leading by example then.

Instincts in fish. I was feeding my pet fish with baby catfish just now. It's amazing to observe the tactics used by the lesser fish to escape it's inevitable fate - lunch. However, the baby catfish had a rather effective tactic of evading that. It straightened its body till it's totally vertical and floated along with the currents. To the bigger fish, it would appear as if the catfish was just a piece of twig and left it along. When the bigger fish turned its eyes away, the smaller one swam away in a hurry.They tried hiding in crevices and swimming at the top of the water, hoping not to be caught. But the law of nature aways prevail; the survival of the fittest. Cruel yet essential for the continuation of a species.

I ran out of bandwidth. =( Will be coming back for periodical checks. 6 more days till the start of a new month. Unbearable.

I've got nothing to do online; bored outta my mind.

I wonder if my I'm-okay-with-it mood is merely a pretense. Just wish I didn't have to tread upon other people's hearts. It's always wrong to fall in love for the wrong reasons. I wonder if the next would be someone I really care or just another mistake. I wonder if I really meant anything anyway. Oh well. Life goes on, I've got wild fun awaiting.

Grr. Crappy physics one and two. I thought I could walk away with my high spirits but it seems like I've made quite many errors. Stupid, stupid mistakes! And the whole school population had lots of queries about the papers. Hopefully, everyone don't do so well and they moderate the grades up. Heh. Gotta whack for physics 3 then. Sian! The breeze turned out to be a torrent. *glum*

I had wanted to post something more meaningful but the people in the school channel were discussing about physics which made me feel worse. I had punched the back of the seat on some bus just now till my knuckles hurt. Then I got light-headed 'cause the last time I ate was at 10am and it was already 7pm. Bummed around with my pals, listening to their woes. Hai.

The glorious pimps of la family have erected 2 new shrines: pico's wunderland/whorehouse and starch's sticky balls. Feel free to violate.

I'm once again pushed into a profound sadness; one so pitiful, I rather be someone else. There are times when I feel that I have perhaps grown up too fast, too soon. My absentee parents, too caught up in their lives, seldom played a loving role in my life. And with it, came a grave responsibility - I had to become an adult. It is hard for one to let go of one's past; it is what shapes one's present and will continue influencing one's future. In my life, I have made many a mistake, some remain as scars; as reminders of bad decisions. It may not help to look forward to one's past but it is crucial. My seemingly indifference has perhaps hurt many a soul and now I have sort of decided to act on that. Mistakes learnt should serve as a platform for their disappearance in the future. With this, I am compelled to lead a life to change others; one in which I rather bring joy and hope. I have sinned and perhaps, my calling has arrived. I must pursue something in which I radically help others; to relieve them of their pain; to release myself from my own shadows.

'I am thinking of them, always of them - only of the orphans! Of course they will one day, want to know; at the very least, they will be curious. But how does it help anyone to look forward at their past? How are orphans served by having their past to look ahead to? Orphans, especially, must look ahead to their futures.
John Irving - The Cider House Rules

Ehrm, according to this test, the tendency for me to acquire the following mental diseases is as follows:

Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Very High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Now, I think I'm ready to become a shrink 'cause I do understand. haha.

Argh. I'm typing this for the second time.

Was looking at the classified section just now for temporary job positions. Found several interesting ones, I'm not that interested in the amount I earn, just having a job to pay for my expenses and learn something would do. But the Korea trip is really causing some trouble, I can't exactly get a fixed job till enlistment. Sigh. The best would be the 5-day-only security guard opening. Saw one about temporary writer/editor for a primary school assessment book. Too bad I can't apply for a fixed-income+comission sales position. Would want to learn how to sell things.

The kitten licked at its healing wounds; the pain still fresh in her head as the horror continued to haunt her. Her clear emerald eyes continued staring at the ground four feet away, the smell of fried fish simply undeniable.

She had been tempted by the allure of scraps from under the table at the coffee shop. Being young and innocent, she approached the morsels of food without any inkling of fear. She had casually walked up to the piece of meat and smelt it; as she was about to take a bite, something hot was placed upon her right thigh. Startled, she sprang around, only to find herself surrounded by a group of human youths, smoke billowing from their noses. Cackles of human laughter broke out as she was lifted off the ground. She stared face to face at her adversary, shaking terribly in fear. The burn at her thigh caused her to feel dizzy. She could only snarl. With her claws extracted, she scratched at her captor. The human let go and she could feel the ground approaching. However, without warning, a sharp blow landed on her left which sent her flying across the circle of terror. Lucky for her, she saw a gap between her torturers and gathered her last ounce of energy and burst to freedom.

Now, she could only stare longingly. The wounds might be healing but the scars within continue to bleed. She was afraid that a similar situation might occur, yet she could not deny her desires. She had not eaten for days. Heightening her senses, she crouched low to the ground and approached the scrap cautiously. Bit by bit, she inched towards her goal; very soon she would get food again. As the smell of the fish wafted into her nose, it raised the desire in her. Suddenly, she felt her paws leaving the ground, someone had lifted her up by the skin at her neck.

Then, darkness caved in. Her cries for help reverbrated in her ears. It was futile. Frightened, she curled up into a little fur ball and awaited oblivion.

Alright, I'm finally done tweaking with stupid html. I hate tables. Haha. Gonna study after I have my dinner. Long night ahead. I've got a short story in my head. Will publish it when I'm freed up later.

Fuck! There's still some small errors somewhere. Sigh.

Bah. Having troubles with the alignment of the stupid text in the column next door. Weird.

The Case of The Missing Exuberance.
I was wildly happy in the afternoon, was prancing around the house, dancing to inaudible music in my head. And I did quite a bit of head-bobbing till my head hurt. Haha. Never have I been so elated before; it was weird. Went for a jog and explored this path by a stinky stream. I emerged on the route to the beach. Everything's so interconnected. It's hard to get lost. Came back, talked on the phone for a while, downloaded mp3s and then it hit me. I'm no longer estatic. Could feel the old gloom coming back. It slowly envelops my brain like a shroud. Sometimes when I look at children, I envy their innocence and levity. Everything's just a game for them. If only I never grew up.

According to emode, my sense of humour is dark humour. Heh, I bet my friends know that already.

There are some things some people don't even talk about. But you somehow manage to make jokes about them. Your humor type is dark and you never met a topic that was too sacred. It's not that you're twisted (well, maybe a little); you just believe that laughter is the universal healer. There's always room to lighten the mood.

Lol. Sabbatical Saturday stoning brings to my mind an angry mob surrounding some poor soul and flinging stones. I wished yesterday was more like that. =)

It sure feels as if I left my brain in the fridge. I've become a slave to the television and a sloth. I think I lost my wit. Somebody save me...Spent a Sabbatical Saturday stoning. Completed Blood Omen 2; strangely, the sense of satisfaction quickly faded away. Been thinking about pursuing medicine and ultimately, psychiatry. I shall go do some research now, I guess. Better safe then sorry 15 years down the road, lamenting why I had made a foolish choice in my teens.

Someone crazy told me this last night, "What is perfection? If God was perfect, He would create the heaviest stone that He couldn't lift. But if He can't lift the stone, wouldn't He be imperfect then?" A paradox to ponder upon. My brain needs a break.

My mind feels like gelatin. Wonderful.

Bio was good. Realised that my short-term memory really is short-term. lol. Immediately after the paper, I forgot stuff already.

Is 'no man is an island' true? Why do we need human company so much? Where does loneliess come from? Biochemical or psychological? Oh well. Gonna spend time alone today.

I stand alone, everything I believe is fading. I stand alone, feeling your sting down inside me, I'm not dying for it.
Godsmack - I Stand Alone

Taking a really short break. Couldn't study in the afternoon cuz the bloody idiots were drilling their lives away upstairs. Grr. Only managed to do a measly 3 hours' worth of work. At least I finally got to read my photosynthesis notes. Lol. Started at 8pm just now and have been taking short intermttent breaks. I don't usually mug but bio's really a killer on your brain cells. My head is swimming in text on the kidney, genes, mitosis, triose phospates and ATP. How nerdy can one get?

Anyway, my mom's been really supportive and nice to me. Love her! Heh. Been feeling kinda happy these days, don't know why but I like it. It's sucky to be always stuck in the rut, having bad thoughts all the time. I read an old diary entry of my O level days. Wasn't great cuz mom was shouting quite a lot then. Kinda screwed up my mood. I refuse to get bogged down this time round! I worked too hard (it's relative, of course) to screw up man. Had a vision of grandeur just now. I hope it comes true. =)

Wave of nostalgia: Saw a note I made back then. My previous site, red*monkey, garnered a grand total of 1050 hits in five months. Had fun with it. Looks like this site is gonna beat all of my previous sites though. 3 weeks since my counter's been up and I already have almost 300 hits. Lol. I'm easily satisfied. I wonder how many more visited like the 1.5 months prior to the counter. *beams*

YOU WOULD HANG YOURSELF. you both crave and fear death. you're fairly certain that you wouldn't actually commit suicide, but you often fantasize about it because you can't think of any other way to escape living a life that you hate. you're wary about doing anything irreversible and you have a healthy awareness of the repercussions of your actions.

how would you commit suicide?

My tongue would stick out and my eyeballs popped out of their enclaves. Not exactly beautiful. And having no oxygen is my deepest fear. I'm hydrophobic even though I swim quite often. I'm afraid I might drown. So why would I hang myself? Weird. Maybe if I can't get a gun to blast my head perhaps. Haha. I'm not depressed or what. More like waiting for breakfast. =)

Didn't feel well last night and scrapped my studying plans. Feel so much better today, though. Gonna do lotsa mugging today cuz bio p2 is tomorrow! Argh. Very taxing paper. Hope it'll be alright. The other papers were okay. Quite satisfied but you never know when you screw up till you get back the result slip.=(

No more gp forever. I'm saddened. No one will read my thoughts anymore, except for faceless surfers. My browser is driving me nuts. Can't access my online invoice. I feel like getting a new comp and new connection. Haha. Maybe next year when I start getting paid.

Just mass smsed people in my phonebook with:
"near midnight. luck aint good if u haven't worked hard. but all this is just a formality. take good care and try your best. a little more to freedom."

It sounds morbid but it's what I think. Now I shall retire to bed once they stop replying. Haha. To all those I missed out, sorry~ It's either you don't deserve my measly $0.01/sms or I lost your number. Pwah. Good night folks.

Replies worth noting(some paraphrasing done):
Gan, "You don't need luck. With 80+% A, it is statiscally ours!"
Caleb, "That's so you man. Haha. This is also a formality. Good luck."

I'm gonna do my best. I can't settle for second-rate results. I'm a warrior, in mind and body. I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. I'm nervous, jittery but I feel slightly at ease. Perhaps I'm taking things too easy? Or is it really easy? No idea. My result slip next year would tell all. I must be satisfied with whatever I get but of course I'm always aiming for straight-A's. Just to prove to some people that I can have fun and do well too. Screw you!

Tomorrow's D-Day!

*mutters a prayer*

*battle mode on*

Realised at 9pm just now that the exams are so near. HOLY FUCK. Don't wish me luck and all that crap. Never works. Spent my whole afternoon on LOK: Blood Omen 2. On level 5 now but I doubt I'll be near my PS2 anytime soon.

Was observing the old uncles at the coffeeshop just now. Life's not dictated by grades and there are so many things to do even if you fuck up at this level of your education. I'm thoroughly sick of the rat race and it's not even began totally. The A levels are nothing but the end of the beginning of a life dedicated to working your ass off. I'm so afraid that I won't have time to read in the future. Bah. I don't know what I'm gonna get but everyone (teachers, parents and even peers) have kinda high expectations of me. I don't even know what I'm doing this for. I will just try my best but if I screw up, I only have myself to blame. I have faith in my own abilities in succeeding in life - with good grades or not.

<mcstarch> yao why u nv whack tt fella today
<dEv|oLo^> yao has changed
<dEv|oLo^> he is no longer de hot-tempered person he used to b
<evilb0y-> =)

i'm a good boy now. just full of evil thoughts. be afraid, be very afraid. i managed to outwit and outtalk that idiot though. haha.

Haven't been in a lyrical mood lately. Think I probably dried my wells of inspiration after all the writing I done. It's okay. It'll return soon. Monday's the first paper. No jitters yet and still living a very good life. Haha. Had dinner with the guys, we're all probably gonna die of lung cancer, heart diseases and liver complications in the future. But life is really for enjoying the good things: there's no point in eating only organic or vergetables just so that you'll live longer. It's totally against how the human body was programmed. Perhaps we were born to be hedonists, to enjoy whatever life can offer. Of course, things must always be done in moderation, you can't live your whole life on fatty food and nicotine. Just always remember to balance input with output and you'll have a very fulfilling life. =) It's fucked up advice anyway. Don't do drugs though. It'll ruin your brains.

In a toy store somewhere, a father drags his five year old son through the myriad of plastic-wrapped boxes. The boy looks longingly at the big boxes and his heart yearns to bring one home. His father is forty-five and his hands are wrinkled from years of hardwork at construction sites. The father is a good man but times are hard. He knows his son would love to carry something home and he is saddened that he can do nothing more. He fishes out a tenner from his pocket, grabs the cheapest toy he can see and heads for the counter. He looks around the store, rich parents towing opulent-looking kids. If only he could be like them.

The boy stares intently at the box in front of him; its contents, an action hero, beaming ear-to-ear and striated muscles straining against his costume, stared back devishly. Tempted, the boy reaches out but is quickly jerked back by his father. I said no!, the words ringing in his little ears. He doesn't understand his fathers problems and all he believes is his father's non-existent love for him. Teary-eyed, he looks ruefully at the other children laughing and running in the store. If only he could be like them.

I'm so guilty of not studying! Finished The World According to Garp and I'm hungry for more books. After exams perhaps. There's no Scrubs tonight so I'll probably be doing the dirty deed once I get offline. Studying's sickening. I think I'll get a tattoo next time, III at the base of my neck. Fuck conventions and society. In another part of my day, someone touched me more than anyone recently has. =) I'm glad to have a friend like that. And no, it wasn't sexual. Fuck your dirty brains!

"I'm not the kind of person you think I am. I'm not the Anti-Christ or the Ironman. I have a vision that I just can't control. I feel like I lost my spirit and sold my soul."
Ozzy Osbourne - Get Me Through

I've been having terrible dreams of conflicts, of anger and of violence. I do not kill but I cause hurt and I run from authorities. Aren't we all always running away from something? In real life, I've been trying to be nice, I've been suppressing my true nature and in more ways than one, I've succeeded. Yet, by doing so, I'm doing an injustice to myself, I cause my id and my ego to clash. But isn't everyone like this? Always suppressing their subconscious?

I'm born a recluse, a hermit, doomed to be always shunned from people. My childhood wasn't happy, I never had many friends. Through the course of my life, I may have people whom I call friends but few I'd even consider close. My aggressive actions, during the early adolescent years, cause rifts to appear between me and people. Nowadays, I'm more in control but I shun away from contacts. I'm passive when it comes to people, I do not make the first move. And I try to move away from potentially conflictive situations. I smile, shake my head and move on. I fear my anger may cause things to worsen. I'm a lone wolf, first and foremost, but I do yearn for the occasional human company. It's hard living in this world.

In peace I shall leave.

Bah. Some people would think they require an invitation to get me out of the house. Can't they just inform me? Sheesh.

Anyway, watched City of Angels on tv and wrote this thereafter. I think the ending's too contrived and maybe the story's too cliched. As usual. But it's good because I haven't written fiction in a long time. =) Enjoy (or suffer!).

I've been playing scrabble at playsite for 2 hours already! Just won a game 356 - 207. Got lucky. Heh. It just rained heavily and I think I'll shelf my swimming plans to another day. Did some studying just now. I'll do more later...

My wit has been kinda on a dry these few days, after the many posts on Tuesday. Writer's block I say. Been stoning in front of the tv way too much too. Bad. Oh well, till I get depressed/intellectual/inspired again.

I think I have a inner werewolf. (Halloween's just over? Damn!)

I'm angry, aggressive and apathetic today. I hate this fuckin' world!

I admire werewolves for their physical strength and brutality. There's also something sensual about them. Explains a lot about my animal charms eh?

Bio prac's easy. Found scrabble on playsite! Was leading when the server had to migrate or something. What the hell man? Tomorrow I shall win some games!

Bio practical tomorrow morning...shift three. Very sickening I say. Hate it to the core. I've been putting off my revision for it the whole day. Might have to suffer later when I discover that there's lotsa shit to read (but I know that already). Whatever man. I still have some midnight oil to burn after Smallville and approximately 5 hours tomorrow if I wake up at 8am. Someday, I'm gonna shoot myself in the foot with this attitude of mine. Bah. It's totally pointless anyway. Just read a "love" story forwarded by my friend. While I find the writer's use of language irritating (reminds me of the corniness of a certain person I dislike), it's a rather touching story la. Maybe someone got bored one day and decided to pen a cliched story.

Did a GP composition. Finished it in 1 hour even though we're given 1 hr 30 mins. Anyway, it's about conformity in Singapore. Felt like bitching about the country once in a while but it's a rather dry and emotionless piece of writing. I prefer prose more. Sort of realised that the word brasque doesnt exist. Haha. I guess I invented it. It's a mixture of being risque and brazen at the same time, without being too suggestive. Help me check for grammar (I don't trust microsoft word!) and stuff. I'm rather careless with commas and it's kinda cleaned up by Word. If you want, can also give me a grade. 30 for content and 20 for language. =) 4 posts in one day is not healthy.

Took me seventeen minutes to run to the beach. Occurred to me that things happen in units and I'm an anomaly. There were pockets of lovers among the isolated pavilions en route. Upon reaching the thin stretch of sand, a sense of loneliness overcomed me. People there were in packs or pairs, even the thousands of water fleas and insects seem to mock from the rocks. A faher and his son soaked in the brown waters. I let the sea breeze calm my hurried breath, I took a seat on a stone bench. Thoughts rushed through my head, of things done and things yet to come. I succumbed to a bout of lust. Maybe next time I'll get lucky. Music from my walkman was my only companion as I stared at the waves. In a sense, it was therapeutic. Then, strong winds came, bringing with them yellow petals from the common trees in the area. It looked almost like a blizzard. The heavy thunder clouds loomed overhead and I decided to make my way home.

An Indian man with a book in his hand was walking towards me while I was plodding out of the park. Our eyes met, and something struck a chord in us. Perhaps kindred spirits shouted out to one another, "Hey there! I'm all alone too. Don't be too sad. There are more like us around."

On the winding path back, I passed by many houses, reminiscent of days gone by. Colonial-style houses stood proud of their past, newer houses boasted their ornate curves. A vintage Porsche, parked outside a gate, caught my attention. In the house was a huge abstract painting but I had no time to admire, I was racing against the weather, my feet taking me further away. One day, I'm going to own a house by the beach.

That late summer and early fall, Garp walked and rode the trolleys all over Vienna, meeting no one. He wrote Helen that "a part of adolescence is feeling that there's no one else around who's enough like yourself to understand you"; Garp wrote that he believed Vienna enhanced that feeling in him "because in Vienna there really isn't anyone like myself around." - p122

"In the life of a man," Marcus Aurelius wrote, "his time is but a moment, his being an incessant flux, his sense a dim rushlight, his body a prey of worms, his soul an unquiet eddy, his fortune dark, his fame doubtful. In short, all that is body is as coursing waters, all that is of the soul as dreams and vapors." Garp somehow thought that Marcus Aurelius must have lived in Vienna when he wrote that. - p126

The World According to Garp - John Irving

I must remember to breathe while studying...online at such an unearthly hour, I need to get back my social life after exams and some money too. Hope it doesn't rain so I can go jogging later. Need to get rid of all the tar in my lungs.

Sometimes, I wish I was richer, like inherit some fortune from my grandpa. Sadly, he never did leave anything for us. There's some landed property but I really doubt they belong to me (or my dad for that matter). Family fortunes rarely last three generations, and for us, one. Sigh.

It is discomforting to get too close to people - you open up your mind and place trust in them. What's worse is to fall in love! That would probably cause the friendship to cease and imagine the pain associated thereafter. I'm getting more jaded as days go by.

Perk of being good-looking: getting 30% discount for hair services, after exams though. =)

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for..." - U2
I look out of the window and a solitary star in the black velvet sky winks at me. The moon's bathed in a temporary reddish-yellow these days. The quietness of the night reflects my empty heart. I take a deep drag. Lonely nights like this makes me feel like the star, a beacon shining in the vast emptiness of space. Seven hours of books have taken their toll, I feel like doing more but I've got a long day ahead. Nobody actually cares about what I do or what I say. They pay brief attention to me and then move on with their own lives. Maybe human relationships are all like this - taking what one needs and leaving nothing behind. I flick the burning butt down nine storeys, it spins with its own circular motion and hits dirt. Maybe lives are like this, once burnt out, you come crashing down to Earth.

Is it me or is the site really receiving more than its fair share of visitors? Stop refreshing so many times! lol.
Anyway, feel free to comment on my posts, I'm delighted to read comments from people, we can even engage in some intellectual banter. Scrubs is starting in 9 minutes time. Did a fair amount of work today but I have lotsa stuff to do tomorrow, like cut my hair (i'm a bloody conformist!), go to the bank and pay some bills. Need more time for studying!

Is there such a thing as fate or are we masters of our own destiny? The ancient Greeks worshipped the 3 sisters of fate, spinning the lives of people in yarn. The Chinese called it 'tian yi' or Heaven's Will. Christians alluded it to God's Will. Italians call it 'destino'. We often lament our poor fortunes and curse fate, yet there are people who believe firmly that they are what they strive to achieve. I'm somehow stuck in the middle (as usual..). While I cannot deny the fact that it is through our own hardwork that we reap rewards, I also cannot deny the notion of having some cosmic power influencing my life somehow.

Here's what I came up with about the whole shit: life is definitely full of choices - make one move and you may alter the course of your life forever. To me, life might have been planned out by a so-called higher power (more about religion next time), say in those branching linear mindmaps. Therefore, when we plod through with our lives, we are often faced with choices, enter JC or Poly (yes, a trite illustration but it'll do!). But beyond these choices, there's already a long road planned ahead, if you get what I mean. JC might appear as the definitive way of getting a degree as compared to polytechnics. However, it may have already been planned that you'd succeed in life if you had went to poly. Therefore, at certain points of our lives, we tend to look back and ponder upon how life would have turned out if we chose a different path. Notice the usage of the word, path. It signifies the idea of having been paved out for a person to walk through. While it maybe arguable on many accounts, this is what I believe in. We're masters of our own destiny only to a certain extent. Choices dictate the universe we end up living in. If multiple parallel universes existed, it maybe interesting to find out what happened to the other you. (à la the tv series Sliders). While small choices maybe seem inconsequential, you wouldn't know the impact it had unless you have something to compare it to. Eating the Big Mac meal now may seem like a harmless move but you might end up choking on it and dying. However, you may choose not to eat it and live another 70 years. Your choice dictates a pre-mediated path. Chew on it. =)

random thought: the last 2 lines of the previous post rhymes. maybe it doesn't. i'm having problems with words today. time to study. yawn.

ehrm, finally got a counter installed on the right panel. I'm lazy. Was curious about how many people actually read this shit...haha. Anyway, regulars ought to be applauded...Am I that interesting? Haha. My stomach burns from the chili crabs and assam fish head for dinner. (heard the song burn for you by some aussie singer on the radio. great voice) Somehow, I regret posting about my frustration just now. Bleh. I'm more comfortable with my sexuality now. Who cares? This shit is mine and I write what I like. New week tomorrow! Fuck monday blues.

Life's a fuckin' carousel!

Ah fuck. need a fag. Dad's around...grr. Still waiting to go out. Crap shit. My head hurts. Bah..feeling sexually frustrated too. Have too much hormones for my own good. Facial hair grows too fast.

Just back from the tailor's. =) Made myself a suit for prom night on Dec 4th. I look good in a suit. Heh. Not gonna reveal the price though lest I spark off a price-war with the guys, each one trying to outdo everyone else...human beings are really weird. They always want to own the most expensive hi-fi, coolest clothes, eat the best food and stay in the biggest house. Is it human nature to be the best or at least appear to be so? Or is it merely for showing off? Maybe it's just envy. Anyhow, today's sabbath so I'm not gonna do much. Going out with my parents for seafood later. Great.

Tiring day. Did HCJC Math Paper 2 and AJC Math Paper 1. hc's damn tough. bleh. Whipped up a rather satisfactory dinner - baked rice, salmon, garlic bread and soup. I'm still practising though. Somedays I really screw it up and have to eat carbon. lol. Today was alright, only made a few errors.

Anyway go check our Star. It's a chinese flash movie. Quite touching. Something about chinese love stories that beats hollywood. Maybe it's the poetry inherent in the language. Quite a sad story by the way. Damn tired now.

One of my fish committed suicide. She jumped out of the fish tank and got suffocated. I feel damn sad. =( I'm quite attached to all my fish.

Had an intense dream before I woke up in the morning, my heart was pounding and I was deciding where I really was. Forgot about the details but I remember I was playing basketball very aggressively. There was also an ominous presence somewhere along the sidelines. Hmm. I think Freud said something about dreams being the representation of some events happening either in the day prior to sleep or the day before. His theory has too much sexuality involved though. But I do agree with the part where he says that people tend to look for the traits their parents possess. *shudder* Does it mean that my spouse would be as fierce as my mom? Haha. I like fortitude and assertiveness in women though. I prefer Jung's theories over Freud but I have yet to find time to devour Jung's thoughts. Someday, I'm gonna be a full-fledged psychoanalyst. Might even strike 4D.

Back from eq's site. Missed her MiddleEarth name thingy 2 days ago. Anyway if I was in MiddleEarth, I was a Regretful Gondorian. Wth is that anyway?

Elven names: Nilmet, Nilmetion
Hobbit: Hildifons Whitfoot from Woody End
Dwarven: Trór Brasshelm
Orkish: Ghazsnik the Hated

I like orcs the best. =) I'm hated. haha. How apt. Btw, I have yet to buy my LOTR trilogy yet! Still waiting for the price for a 2nd hand one to drop. I'm a cheapo. I also have to complete my Sandman series and start collecting Irving. Expensive.

Top 5 Dream Jobs:
1. Novelist/Comic Artist with millions in royalties (Neil Gaiman)
2. Rapper/R & B artiste with lotsa dough, chicks and drugs (P. Diddy/Usher)
3. CEO of a MNC (Warren Buffett)
4. Sports personality - NBA hoopster (Kobe Bryant)
5. World-renowned criminologist or photographer (National Geographic)

Top 5 ways to die:
1. Peacefully in sleep
2. CO poisoning
3. While sky-diving/rock-climbing/extreme sports
4. "Mysterious" disappearance
5. For the country (right.)

Just discovered John Irving. Very tempted to get his books now. Argh. Thinking of ways to be not caught for my hair next thurs for bio prac. (It's turning browner due to all the chlorine in swimming pools. Cool.) I think I'm gonna get pierced. Hahaha...

Sleep-deprivation is a dangerous thing. Almost got knocked down by a bus and a lorry today. And I kept losing my sense of direction. Bad. Didn't do much studying as usual, only phy mcq. Kinda sucked too. Bah. Can't think today. Probably just download some mp3s and watch art central later. Realised that the blog is screwed in netscape. Can't be bothered, I'm beyond that everybody-must-be-able-to-view stage. I'm out.

Was acting kinda cranky and crazy the whole day because I slept for 2 1/2 hours only! Was tossing and turning in bed till 3am. Thought about lotsa stuff. Late night Class 95 plays the sappiest love tunes. Sigh. Anyhow, I think I managed to get back my groove, albeit for a while. I mustn't give up on my dream of going overseas. My mom insists that my dad can afford it but I don't wanna tax my parents any further. I just have to work my ass off and get the best out of the situation. Was feeling so miserable last night though. Guess I really miss the human touch (Bruce Springsteen). Sometimes I find it perplexing that I feel bad about myself. On my rational days, I know that I'm smart, good-looking, athletic and turning nice. So what's the deal man? Don't know why I still feel down. I have a bunch of great friends and my family's just a little dysfunctional, not full-blown mad. Maybe it's growing pains and all that shit. Bah.

me: hey, i managed to go swimming for 3 hours and i didn't even tan!
you: wow? how did u manage to do that?
me: i swim at night.

Occurred to me while having a chat with seng in the pool just now. I'm dead tired from the swim though. We were discussing about the way people react when we tell them that we jog/swim/cycle alone. People tend to give you that furtive, are-you-crazy? look. Seng came to a conclusion that both of us are just loners at heart, we don't need human company, which I guess is true. I had coffee alone in coffee bean after that. haha. I like being alone sometimes but I definitely hate watching movies alone!

Just watched Smallville on tv. Really cool show and neat special effects. The cast's pretty too, guys and gals included. This show puts Clark Kent/Superman into a less "super" persona...he strikes people as a nerd. I guess that's what he wants people to believe in the future with the specs and everything. But in this show, we get to see the sensitive, angry Superman; complete with teenage crushes and all. Sweet. But doesn't Superman have to suffer acne as well? Haha. Lucky him. I hate kryptonite, makes Superman puny. Lex Luthor looks skinny but kinda disturbed. Anyway, this show has officially become the only drama I ever watch. lol. I think Lana has lovely eyes. The blond hair girl's not bad either. And of course, Superman is damn good looking too (to appease my female readers). lol. I'm not the kind that will watch out for actors' names 'cause I don't bother. I just like the characters they play. The soundtrack's fits the mood too. Don't understand why they have to schedule it at 11pm after Charmed. hmm. Anyhow, can't wait for the next episode. Up, up and away!

p.s. Smallville and Metropolis. Damn corny. lol

Taking a breather. I feel slightly stressed, all the classical symptoms are showing: an accelerated heartbeat, sweaty palms, nervousness etc. Definitely caused by the impending chem prac tomorrow. Argh. I look at my schedule and I realised that I better buck up like after tomorrow or I'm gonna be in deep shit. I got a little jaded just now, I felt like giving up now. What am I really studying for? Do I really want/need the 4As? Or is it just a matter of pride? Damn it man. I look at the pathetic encouragement note I stuck on the wall: "Get Motivated! 4A's or bust!" I feel like tearing it down even though it made me a tad motivated, say an inch or two. Sickening...truly sickening! We never even learn anything in school. Sheesh!

"I watched as the smoke spiralled up from the burning end of the cigarette. Taking a deep drag, I let the effects of nicotine swim in my head. I feel giddy and wildly estatic. I smile in the darkness, the rain falling outside the window and the wind running her fingers through my hair. Perhaps I found happiness. Then I remembered what the pastor said, "Humans aren't meant to smoke because God did not turn our noses the other way round like chimneys." I scoffed at that thought and sucked harder. I'm gonna die anyway."

Ehrm...I must admit that I didn't do any studying at all. Gonna catch Scrubs at 11pm later. Ran 3+ km with wee young, yong and seng. Then we came back and shot some hoops with lau and jianhong. The hooligan streetfighters (us) played a match against some student councillors plus kiu chi (he's the best la...)after we got chased off our court. Our brutality and swiftness was of course not appreciated by the sideliners but who gives a damn about them? At one stage, we were trailing 6 - 3. First to reach 7 wins. Someone scored one for our side and I just took off my shirt. Haha. Sank 3 consecutive shots near the free throw line and we won. =) The bad side triumphs! To hell with the goody-two shoes. Grr. I get too aggressive during games. Haha. Probably scared off the girls. lol.

I refuse to cut my hair. I just shaved off my sideburns and probably comb my hair nicely on Wednesday for the chem prac. If I cut now, it'll be long during the examination period. Quite duh right. Maybe I'll go for a cut next week and by the time exam ends, I can get to highlight it. Whatever la. We're 18 and they still treat us like kids. Screw them.

Shuwen's got a blog! Haven't checked it out yet though. Will do after this...

In the school library now. Trying to study but I fear it might be futile. Damn suay today man. Woke up to find that I lost on the Middlebrough's game. That was only the beginning. Later on, while during the brief lock up for the practical, I realised that I forgot to bring my stupid pencil case! Had to borrow from the class. Not only that, that fuckin' Mr Seet caught me for my hair. For the nth time this year! Argh. It's not even long at all. Grr. Had to finish prac in the bloody hot lab and think I made a few mistakes here and there. Bahhh. I'll go read my bio now. Sheesh.

Tis late. Watched The Matrix for the 4th time on tv just now. Got me thinking as usual. Would I rather wake up in a dream that's so real, I don't even know which is reality? Brings me to Zhuang Zi, the epheremal Taoist philosopher (hopefully, if the lineage's correct, I'm his descendant..haha). Well, he was the guy who dreamt that he was a butterfly and woke up wondering if he was a man dreaming of being a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming that he's a man. I used to dream that I was this 70s drug pusher who got killed in a car chase...So which is real? This life or that? Ah. The Matrix is getting to me.

Physics practical tomorrow! 1st bloody shift and I've to report at 7:30am. Lock up till 1pm. Gotta pack food. So sian. Good luck to me and all the people I know. Even the ones I dislike. Heh. New resolution: from tomorrow onwards, I gotta buck up and stop coming online as often. I'll try to get more than 6 hours of studying done everyday. No joke man. 21 days left. By telling to the world, I beseech all of you to bear testimony to my words. If I happen to stumble, please urge me on. Thanks!

Paine: "So, what are we going to do now?"
Rowland: "I'm not sure. But I can tell you what we're not going to do. We're not staying here any longer."
P: "Huh? Leave the attic? But we can't. I mean, my bones are up here."
R: "Well, so are mine. Not to mention my flesh and hair and stuff. But I don't see why that means I have to sit around up here until she [Death] comes back for us. Anyway, I don't feel ill anymore. I feel fine."
R: "Dead but fine. Come on."
P: "Rowland, I'm scared."
R: "Look at it this way: Do you want to be a ghost in an attic all your life?"
Paine smiles: "Yes. You're right. It's part of growing up I suppose...You always have to leave something behind you."

excerpt from The Sandman Library Vol. IV, Seasons of Mists, p138

Should make better use of my time rather than stoning online and reading Sandman. P.S. It's not only a comic book!

Rainy days are my favourite. Cloudy skies and pelting raindrops serve as memento mori - here today, gone tomorrow. Me happy? Who was I trying to kid?

It seems like I reinvent myself everyday I wake up. Let me count the number of facets I have:

1. Moody writer who dwells in smoke and has a way with words
2. Wild flirtatious stud who paints the town red
3. Loyal friend who's always there with a listening ear
4. Cranky gym bastard
5. Healthnut that tries to offset genetic dispositions for adipose deposition
6. Optimistic guy who places his trust in the Lord
7. Sentimental fool who listens to too much R&B
8. Foul-mouthed hooligan
9. Above average nerd/bookworm
10. Philosophical wiseman torn between science and religion

That's enough to last me 10 lifetimes. I need to find my true self.

Ah. Saturday morning (okay it was a few minutes ago...). Feeling fresh and perky today, even though I slept at 2:30am. Watched "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" on Channel 5 till 1am. Was about a black singer called Frankie Lymon and his screwed up love life. Fame fades. In the N2 world (seng, merv. yk, dc, yong, chow and me), another one bites the dust. My condolensces.

Was thinking about how much I have changed these two years in jc. Time really does fly, it seemed like yesterday when I got a bomb for my results. Haha. I'm past that now though. Been through so much...I'm now a better person in certain ways, yet I've managed to degrade myself in others. Nevertheless, I'm glad that I'm no longer as morbid and preoccupied with depression as I once was. I've mellowed so much, people actually say that I'm nice. Haha. To think I used to be able to send shivers down the spine with a stare. Nowadays, I'm kinda happy (like now!) and I'm filled with optimism for the future. Even if I do not do as well as expected for the A's (I might grieve and grimace for awhile), I would still move on with life. Life's like choppy seawaters (hokkien song: ai pia jia eh yia), filled with its ups and downs. Why remain in the trough most of the time? That's one thing I learnt. Being all miserable about life takes a huge toll on your soul. I rather place my trust in higher powers and remain the captain of my life. I take it to where I want it to go. No questions asked. Once in a while I might make a stupid mistake but I must obtain wisdom from it and not repeat it again. I must also absorb wisdom from others because no one truly knows everything. Somedays I might be down but I'm not vanquished. My spirit remains, ever burning bright, illuminating the road ahead. So all you sad souls out there, stop crying your heart out and live your life everyday! (Haha. Oasis and Bon Jovi. Neat eh?)

I'm so guilty of not studying at all yesterday. Was watching tv after my jog and fell asleep while the Undertaker was pulverising Brock Lesnar. =( I ought to be shot or something as grisly. Whatever. I wonder who won though. Mindless violence. Haha. Got an appointment later, hope to do substantial amount of work today. Perhaps I'll go school tomorrow to study. Argh. Physics practical on Monday. More afraid of the chemistry on Wednesday. Hmm. Then again, I need to revise for the prac, didn't do well for prelims. Stupid, stupid mistakes...

My lower body hurts.

Hmm. Should be studying. Perhaps I'll burn the midnight oil later. Studying at night is kinda invigorating sometimes. Was snapping photos around the house just now. Black and white ones. My fave medium I must say. And only a fully manual camera like my Nikon FM10 can do the job. Still wanna buy a new SLR though...maybe F100 or F5. Bleh. No money, no talk. Tried taking a few self-portraits with the help(...) of my bro...Dunno if they will turn out well. My hair was kinda crapped though. Lol.

Was supposed to go school and help the dudes...but I overslept and I didn't feel like travelling to school. So sorry man....I think it's because I plan things like one week ahead so any arrangements must be scheduled in. Any last minute changes wouldn't work out well. Ha. I'm a lazy busy bee. *buzz* Think I'll be joining seng for the half-marathon on 8th Dec, the week after A's and 3 days after prom. Taking SAT II on Dec 7 and attending Tracy Ho's wedding ceremony after. Haha. So fast marry! Just fresh out of NIE somemore...Wish her all the best though =)

Gonna go for 9.375km later. Calculated that by running 1.174x more every week, I'll be hitting 21km just in time for the marathon. Cool. AP/GP power!

Sometimes in life, you gotta make painful decisions to make other people happy. I'm the eternal victim! Some numerology stuff I picked up from eq. Hmm. My heart tells me it's all alright now but I can't help feeling sad. Oh well. Time will heal all wounds they say. All I need is someone tender to treat me. =) [a nurse in tight uniform would do...haha. joking!]

Studied quite a bit today. Went shopping just now! Haha. All alone though. =( Bumped into my sec 4 classmate. He looks as big as ever. Had to take a photo with the girls in his class 'cause they lost some game. *shrugs* Bought a pair of Merrill hiking shoes. Quite cool. Was on offer. $132 to $60. Also bought a blue Nike ACG t-shirt. On discount too..$71 to $39.90. Spent a hundred. I'm broke now. I wonder what I'll eat tomorrow. Perhaps some eggs from the fridge. Lol. Btw, swam 30 laps or more yesterday. Was cool. My strokes are getting better.

Stumped:
2) n boxes are arranged in a straight line and numbered 1 to n. Find:
b) in how many ways the n articles can be arranged in the boxes so that the article A is in neither box 1 nor box 2 and a given article B s not in box 2.
Deduce the number of ways in which the articles can be arranged so that A is not in box 1 and B is not in box 2. (bleh!)

Conked out while studying in school just now. Did some biochemistry today. Hmm...I'm going at a slow and steady pace. No worries. I'm confident everything will fall into place. Mr Chow warned me not to be complacent just now. Yep. I wont be. Just gonna take a slow dance with the A's. I'm not even stressed. =)

Scrubs was on channel 5 just now. A rather hilarious/stupid show about this medical intern. It sort of rekindled some of that "i-wanna-save-people" feelings in me. I dunno. Should I pursue something that's noble (medicine) or should I work towards amassing great wealth (finance)? Then again, with the stock market going down recently, a stable income would be good. The bad thing is that I'll probably be stuck in a rut in the future, unless I can take some time out of the medical career and start my own business. Sounds concrete. Ah dreams, fuel for human achievements. Hope mine aren't just pipe dreams.

Just came home. Haha. I know I'm supposed to be studying but I didn't go clubbing. I never even touched alcohol. Went out around 3+ to NJC to view my friend Kheng Guan's art exhibit. He did this real cool sculpture thingy. Then went around looking at the other Art Elective Program students' exhibits. Left me a little disturbed and more emotional. That explains my mood later on in the night.

The rest of the guys came later than me and we did some catching up. Went town to have dinner and it was down to Seng, Guan and me in the end. We went to watch the official opening of the Esplanade. Should have taken a bus instead of walking down to Marina from Orchard. Didn't have time to find a great view and I regret not bringing my camera. Sigh. The fireworks were spectacular despite catching half of it. heh. Gan and Miao were around the area too. Bet they had a romantic moment there. Haha. They came looking for us after everything at the cafe along City Link. I had two coffees. Hmm. Was starting to feel philosophical at that point.

The three of us went down to the river bank opposite Boat Quay 'cause Seng didn't feel like going home. He wanted to spend some time alone but was too embarrassed to chase us away. Sigh. It resulted in him being rather reticient and grumpy the whole night. Managed to have a rather deep, bonding talk with them though, despite me speaking most of the time. Haha. At least I didn't dominate the whole conversation. We talked about life, love, future and the past. It was such a rare chance that we could sit down and talk so I didn't feel like going home either. All of us have our own ways of expressing ourselves though. Seng prefers going to somewhere quiet and just think. He thinks too much sometimes. Guan expresses himself artisically. He's sort of mellowed down too. And me? I express myself through words, spoken or written. That's the only way I know.

One of the things we talked about was my thinking. Or rather my actions. I'm quite open-minded with things that I do but I'm not really open-minded about telling them to people. Somehow, people brought up on traditional Confucian thinking may not accept my take on things, some tend to be more judgemental than others. I used to judge people a lot but I haven't been doing that lately. One thing I learnt is that one should be true to oneself no matter what. Don't let peer pressure or media/culture to influence your thinking. Live your own life, don't let others dictate. What other people think doesn't really matter, if you think it's wrong don't do it. Oh well. Thank you for reading my philosophical crap though. Haha. Think Seng and Guan had their fill of it (11:30pm - 2:00am).

Where's everyone? Studying? Man. I ought to be doing the same thing too! No problem. Did quite a lot of work today...haha. Not really but still. The whole route I took just now is estimated to be (7.8 +0.4)km. Still cool. Alright, gonna finish some questions on complex numbers and copy out alcohol notes before the night is through.

Cleared out some stuff. Feeling totally anti-social. Fell asleep in front of the tv last night. What a waste of time. I'm gonna start studying. Going for another 8km in the evening if the weather's fine. I feel healthy. Out.

Oh my fucking god! I think my life's some kind of tragic comedy. lol. Opened my mailbox just now (the real kind..not email). Lo and behold, there was this sun lizard inside! (those that hang around tropical trees...big..) No idea how it got in there but I had to take it out. Lol. At first I thought it was dead and some fucker threw it in to scare my family. It was alive and refused to get out. No problem whatsoever. Removed it with a few deft moves.

Had farewell assembly in school today. It was hilarious and I kinda realised I never did play much of a role in school. My buddies and I were probably the 'in' crowd. You know? Jocky sportsmen type. Loud, rowdy and a whole lot fun to hang out with. Never did contribute much to school except headaches for our teachers. Haha. Watched The Transporter with a few classmates and it totally sucked! I fell asleep halfway through. The protagonist was mauling the nth henchmen in a bus and I just drifted off. 1/5 stars. Wait for the TV release. Haha. Cool poster and gripping first 5 minutes (the car chase was the best part). Hsu Chi/Shu Qi was a complete bore to watch. Can't act, can't speak English and didn't see anything more than her in some crappy China lingerie. Much better off watching her porn pics online. Haha.

Else, received my enlistment notice today. 23rd January. Which means that: I can't get a job that will pay me 3 times more than NS and I can only do temporary part-time prior to it. Sian. On the bright side, I have a higher chance of getting into Officer Cadet School. Gotta perform for a better pay and prestige. Wack!

"Have you got any soul? a woman asks the next afternoon. That depends, I feel like saying; some days yes, some days no. A few days ago I was right out; now I've got loads, too much, more than I can handle. I wish I could spread it a bit more evenly, I want to tell her, get a better balance, but I can't seem to get it sorted. I can see she won't be interested in my internal stock control problems though, so I simply point to where I keep the soul I have, right by the exit, just next to the blues.
- Nick Hornby - High Fidelity pg 75

He owns a record store but I really liked the irony in this situation. I ought to have taken literature. Ha. Now that was sarcastic. =]

Hmm. I'm supposed to be studying but I feel kinda down. Managed to finish half of High Fidelity. Not bad, eh? Played basketball for almost 2 hours with this group of 4 guys and a girl. Think they're around my age, perhaps younger. Didn't really play well and I managed to injure some of them. Oops. Sometimes when I get competitive, everything goes. Haha. I must work on my shooting and lay-ups. It feels good to finally pick up the basketball after I swore off it so many years ago.

I feel down because I feel that I'm stuck in some kind of a social limbo. My family gets by but we can't really be called well-off; probably just middle class. And being educated with so many snobs around me makes me feel as if I'm not being acknowledged anywhere. There are the glamorous, rich and Orchard kids and the lower/middle-class kids that hang out at neighbourhood malls. I'm no where. I can't click with the neighbourhood kids and the rich kids have everything coming for them. It's depressing. A grimy life. I want out of this, I want to belong someplace, perhaps the higher strata of society. Yet, I do not want to appear as if I'm so high and mighty like some people do. Stuck between two opposing sides, accepted by none, eking out an existance to be recognised. How sad. Life in modern Singapore is truly sad. Oh well. I'll just drown my sorrows in some alcohol [notes].

Damn. I should refrain from visiting the library! I spent close to an hour and thirty minutes among the shelves. Borrowed Nick Hornby's High Fidelity and Robert G.Hagstrom's The Essential Buffett. I watched High Fidelity before but it's always nice to read a book. I'm a true blue bookworm. Yummy!
Gonna go shoot some hoops later. Did like an hour of integration and I got so bored. Oh well. I'll study Organic Chemistry after dinner. For now, Hornby awaits...cheerios!

Hmm. Brain's dead. Did transport in plants in the afternoon. Set up a class study group. Supposed to meet like once a week to exchange bio essay outlines. Won't really work but it's a good excuse to meet up and not study. Haha. Anyway, fell asleep in the evening while reading my physics. Man. Just read some integration, I'll be going back to solve some questions in a while.

I stuck up a motivation poster ($2.80!) on my wall. I wrote a few lines on a white piece of paper and stuck them all over my room within my lines of vision. Think again, buddy! Don't fool ard! is right smack on my computer. Haha. I'm getting a bit weird. Screw it.

Was too bonked out last night to make my way to the comp. We were down 1 - 0 at halftime before the cops showed up! lol. Took our particulars and chased us away. Shucks. The match was kinda fun. I whacked some guys good. Haha. Wrong game, wrong country. =( We had nothing much to do (studying's boring!) so we went kit-flying at Marina South. There was no wind so the stupid kites didn't make it off the ground for extended periods of time. Next time then.

I'm gonna go study soon. Aiming to finish Transport in Plants & Transport in Mammals today. Though I've read through them like countless times, I'm gonna do some questions pertaining to the topic. Hope I don't tire out too fast. Doing some physics and integration if I ever get sleepy. Alright. I'm gonna try my best to repel the notion of coming online! Discipline!

Yea! I went for something around 8km just now! Phew. Feels damn great. Even found a fishing spot. Going there some other day. Tomorrow Cyberpark FC vs yk's frens FC. I'm the quarterback!

Haha. Seng's the Silent Killer I must say! Really sneaky. And we didn't abandon him! He always disappear halfway through the night. Did emode's "What Kind of Flirt Are You?". Results below.

Hey there, slick! We think it's pretty safe to say that you're a Smooth Flirt. You've got all the right moves, and you're confident that your target will appreciate all your winks and smiles. All it takes is the perfect line, right? Maybe so, as long as you deliver it with your charm meter set to "stun." Your flirting style is the perfect mix of body language and pure animal magnetism. With you on their trail, how can your prey possibly hope to get away? Seduction is inevitable.

Hiaks. I'm bored. I think I'll go for a jog soon. Gonna try to run continuously for 40 minutes. Cool Running has some tips for beginners like me. I didn't know that you can optimise fat-burning by running long distance (after 30 mins fats start to melt). I was brought up on the notion of HITT (high intensity interval training). A conflict of idealogies. Oh well. As long as I don't collapse halfway, it's fine with me. Alright you fatasses, start getting off your butts and go run a mile or two! Grr.

"I have a queen-sized bed but I am king-sized. So how? Tonight your place or my place?"
-Ramon at his best.

What a wild night! Haha...free flow, free entry at Centro! All thanks to Joanne. She's the lobang queen I say!

Anyway, here's a little breakdown of what happened...we were there, lau, chow, seng and me. Probably the youngest in the damn place but it was cool. Although it's shabbier than I thought it was, at least it's free! Haha. Everyone was drinking as if there's no tomorrow...Seng was the first to get drunk. As usual. Haha. So Ramon, this new guy Ron (ah beng sia) and I decided to go up to this group of ladies sitting opposite of us. Ramon's the wack king of jioying/chasing girls. Ehrm...although he looks quite gay but I think females lower their defences when the guy's gay or apparently gay. Anyway, Ramon said, "To chase a girl, you can't leave her friends out." So we dragged seng in for the ugliest girl at the table! Ahaha. He's not bad though, managed to elude our clutches. Haha. We were bored so we went to the dance floor and well, I managed to get the number of this old auntie (k..30+?)! Haha. Ramon owes me a drink now. Dun care. Next time I'll collect from him in Zouk. We left the place at around 2am I think. Can't remember.

The auntie called when we were having supper! Haha. Ramon, with his ehrm skillz tried to get the auntie to bed. Man. It was so funny...He has got damn good skillz I must say. Experience counts and I'm accumulating them right now. Wahah. Damn funny. Unfortunately(fortunately!) he didn't succeed so he dropped us off at Ang Moh Kio. Took a Night Rider to Yishun and a cab home. Seng came over to sleep. The girl at the table called around 3am. My phone went dead though. It was fun but they're too old. Haha.

Total cost for the night: $5 chicken chop for supper, $3 for bus right, $6 for taxi fare(seng's reimbursing half). Which makes a grand total of $11! How cool is that? Till next time.

I'm so friggin' bored! I only did some AC circuits in the morning just now and ended up reading Rich Dad's Guide to Investing. I think I'm beginning to form an impression of what I really want in my life - to own many businesses and make my money work for me. I see my parents working so hard for the money just to make ends meet. I totally detest such a lifestyle. I wanna be able to play golf (next time then learn), sail around in my yachts and enjoy life as it is. For now, I can only dream and wait for my exams to end. Hopefully, I do not have to go for national service in January so I can look for a part-time job. Maybe I'll look for a sales job. I need to learn how to sell things especially myself. It'll help in the long run. Please don't send me to Pulau Tekong so soon!!! (then i can also dye my hair in streaks of brown. nice.)

Else, Seng just set up a blog too. Lonely Planet. While not meant to be a parody/plug for the travel guide, I think he basically summed up his feelings in two words. Apt. He's been feeling too mistrustful and lonely ever since we both came to JC. Things aren't as simple and fun as we were used to it. The world's a scary place. Oh well. Let's hope that by having an outlet for his feelings would be better for him.

Gotta go send a mail now. I wanna go out! I'm dying of loneliess already...

(p.s blasted my friggin' stereo just now to warn the idiots upstairs. argh. why can't they stop drilling and knocking?)

Just had my eggs. I feel better now. Haha. I'll go for a jog in the afternoon. It's like I almost stopped gym already! Oh well. It's boring and it wont help me for NS anyway. Jogging will.

My mood's kinda weird huh? All down for a while then it's back up. Might be retail therapy. Just bidded for a Samsung Yepp for $55. I want! haha.

Argh. Slept too much. I'm staying home to study today. I'll start after my half-boiled eggs get half-boiled. My house's so barren, it's so hard to find food around here. I need someone to talk to now! I feel so empty. Fuck man. Why must all relationships end in hate? I didn't want her to hate me at all. But now she does. Why? It really hurts to know that someone whom you once cared so much about bites at you in the end. I dun want her to screw up her life and yet she's doing it now to spite me. If I said I didn't care, it was just me trying to act brave. I do that too much. This acting thing. Even if I have the means to go play around, I cannot do it. It's not so much of a religious thing. It's personal.

Someone crazy told me this the other day (paraphrased), "There are three kinds of love: infatuation, like and love. Infatuation is playful but it doesn't mean anything at all. Like is what most people our age do. They think it's love but it's not. Love is something for the matured. It's when you're willing to sacrifice everything, even your life, for that person."

Sigh. So I'm getting myself sad because of a girl I liked once. Somehow it doesn't equate to anything paramount. Yet, we had shared memories. We went through stuff together. And now it comes to this. I guess the phrase that love and hate shares a thin border is so true. We just crossed that border. Kris told me that I shouldn't go looking for love but let it happen to you. Right now, my core shouts out for companionship. I rather have lotsa friends to talk to now. A serious relationship is totally out of place in immatured minds like mine. Not yet anyway. Someone be my friend!

I'm silly. Yea. Silly and sweet and good-looking. Egoistical even. I'm gonna go eat my eggs now. Time to study.

Fuckin' renovations upstairs should be banned! Can't study in the morning with all that crap going on!!! At least I managed to get through my kidney notes today. Grr.

yk's in trouble. Sigh. So much for his mushy messages we read just now. Argh. Love hurts I say!

Do I have "skirt-chaser" written on my face? Why do I have to pick up girls all the time to provide entertainment? Gee! People too young liao la...Later kena jailed how?

Not sleepy. Damn. Added in the character sheet in the column next door. There are stupid bio lessons to attend in the afternoon. Boring. Where's my real study break?

Oh yea. I'm disillusioned by this concept of love. What does it really mean to be in love? Is it all just for companionship? What about stupid sacrifices? Friends, family and freedom? So many questions. No answers. Someone smart enlighten me.

Ehrm, do I look like a Korean actor? I dunno. People have been telling me that. Go figure.