The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.