I came across
this blog as I was blog hopping this morning, and it caught my attention right away. I have been feeling the same exact way, and I truly needed to read this today. If you know me, then you know that I am a perfectionist and I have such high expectations for not only me but my family as well. This is something that I am aware of, and trying to change, but it is a process, and it doesn't happen easily.
This is what she wrote.....
****All week I've felt a little out of sorts. I've been working and working and accomplishing good things, but have felt frustrated because there is always MORE I should do. Even though my life is everything I want, I haven't felt calm or at peace. Last night I finally broke down to David and told him that I just wasn't feeling happy and could not figure out why. Nothing he said helped, and we went to bed even more frustrated.
Then today I watched a BYU Womens Conference talk on TV. It was an arrow to the heart. Daniel K. Judd told following story that hit a little too close to home:
"There was a woman named Esther who wanted to be the perfect wife and mother. Every morning she would wake up and say, 'This is the day that I will be perfect. The house will be organized. I will not yell at my children. I will finish everything important that I have planned.' But every night Esther went to bed discouraged because she had failed to accomplish her goal. She became angry with everyone-- especially herself-- and she began to wonder what she was doing wrong. In time, Esther began to pray and ask the Lord for guidance. And during this time a startling thought came to her mind. She realized that in focusing on her own perfection she was focusing on her own self and failing to love other people-- particularly her husband and children. She was not being loving, and therefore not like Christ, but essentially focused on herself. She was trying to be sweet to her children, but not freely out of love for them, but because she saw it as a necessary part of her own perfection. Furthermore, she was trying to get a feeling of righteousness by forcing her husband and children to meet her ideal of perfection. When her children got in the way of her perfect routine, she blamed them for making her feel imperfect and became irritated with them and treated them in a most unloving way. Likewise, if her husband did not meet her ideal of perfection when he came home from work, she judged him as failing and was critical of him for reinforcing her own sense of unrighteousness. But as time passed and revelation came, she came to understand the Savior's commandment to be perfect 'even as
He is perfect.' And she realized she was pursuing the wrong goal."
Ouch.
In a physical world it is very easy to get caught up in pursuing physical perfection. I want my body to be attractive, my home to be clean and organized and beautifully decorated, my kids to be cute, and my husband to be a tool to help me accomplish the tasks I cannot do myself. All so my life can be a perfect example of righteous accomplishment. I have been doing good things with the wrong motivation.
Love was the hallmark of Christ's ministry and is the "divinest attribute of the human soul"
(David O. McKay). Pride is a malevolent counterfeit. Try as we might, we will never become perfect "as He is perfect" unless love becomes our motivation. Pride is selfish and indulgent and empty. Love is selfless and pure and satisfying. I realized today that I had succumbed to pride. Everything was about me and my pursuit of "perfection." But by shifting my focus a burden has been lifted. I'm realizing that being perfect in Christ has more to do with HIS abilities than mine. Instead of waking up in the morning with an impossible to-do list, my goal is to LOVE. I'll still try to take care of the physical things, but my goal is to do them out of love and not pride. And when I fall short-- and I will fall short-- I will quickly repent instead of beating myself up and agonizing over my failures. And by remembering Christ and keeping Him at my center, I will hopefully have the Spirit to sanctify me and to help me become truly perfect in Christ.It won't happen overnight. I will probably continue to struggle with with feelings of doubt, pride, and discouragement. But at least for the moment I have a clear focus on what I need to work towards and who I need to become.****