somewhere along the way...

i've lost all rational thought. i have no sense of direction. my head feels like an empty vessel just waiting to pounce on anything even remotely educational to fill that void. and yet it doesn't seem to care if it answers questions or not. are there even questions, i cant be sure. in the same breadth, i have a gazillion things on my 'to-do (theoretically) list' which i have not even attempted but am hungering leap into RIGHT NOW. unfortunately, many of the (fun) and most suitable things (for me at this point in my life - age, thirst for adventure, social standing) are not quite within my grasp due to the monetary aspect. i know things can happen, if you want it badly enough. but do i really? do i want to spend 'x' amount of money (of which i will have to work my butt off to attain- byebye 48 hour weekends!) on i) a brand new setting/life or ii) on further studies. both may have a drastic (not negatively) impact on my life and career goals. but then again, one may have me on more of a solid footing even during the process. AND SINCE WHEN did my blog become a site for my philosophical agonising and whingeing...

i digress. but like always. SO MANY PATHS TO TAKE. BUT WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE?

like eating copenhagen ice cream in manly...

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

You have a flair for the dramatic and love to party. Your personality is super strong and unique. Many people crave you constantly - while you turn a few off. You are most compatible with coffee ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

things to make the stuffy nose & head go away...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

setting adrift my memory bliss..

it's mildly saddening (and i swear that was not an exagerration..cue roll eyes) when people you've come to cherish and uphold in the highest regard become an utter waste of time and space in your ship of friends. It's like this one sailor has decided to defect just to be different (read: to be center of attention) and decides to rope in an unwitting member to fall prey in becoming, ultimately, the villain of the sea (without proper cause and effect). childish. farqin childish. farg.

I am what i am and what i am is what i am...so go get your own boat if it's giving you the shits. And whilst you're about it, take those other two-faced wheezebag-asswipes with you. There. Enough to start up your own bandwagon complete with the shit-stirrers and wipe-ups. All ready to go. SO GO ALREADY. farq.

Well then, the sails are off, the boat is adrift and this is one pirate who has played the role to the end. stump leg and all. acting like an ughly motherchorte, but who gives a damn really.

The sinking feeling is worse than actually being at the bottom. The reality of knowing that I was so easily set adrift and then blamed for keeping afloat sux. But nothing hurts more than the knowledge that you were sailing solo all along. I want to be elsewhere, warm and snug, loved and hugged. I want out now. the clock ticks. I have fallen into destiny's folds.

Either letting go is easy, or I've one too many rash decisions tonight that have in turn made a fool out of me.

Hitting back the hurt ball seems so much easier to do, so here's one for my side.

farq.
you.

the work that wasn't

the work-on-the-side...

i have a confession to make. it isn't really a confession, so to speak. more like a revelation. a personal one, albeit. so, to start off from the beginning, the last month has been spent mostly volunteering at the Oxfam Shop and at events where we've participated on behalf of the organisers or by invitation from other companies/organisers. very exciting, fun-OutThere stuff. and i've met a heap of Awesome People through volunteering, be it other volunteers or customers/supporters of the 'Cause'.
Nonetheless, as much as i REALLY REALLY do like working at the shop (where it's actually more customer service based and more product oriented), i still encounter many moments of panic and anxiety (i think...it's where my heart pounds and i CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME and get on the computer to look/apply JOBS) about finding a monetarily-sound position. i know it sounds hypocritical, but volunteer work makes sense when u can support yourself and you feel happy and want to spread the love. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, i would want to work for a NFP organization if given a choice. wait. let me change that. i would want to work for a NFP organisation whose work and work ethic completely meld with principles i hold true. and having worked at this agency, i realise that no matter how true to the standards (of being a nfp agency and for the cause which they champion) the founders mean it to be, there is always risk of straying-"we are only human". it's heaps worse when the errors aren't even due to callousness. when it's due to downright loss of vision-when we forget what we were fighting for, in the first place. when we succumb to committing the same type of crimes as those we accuse of perpetrating them. but i digress.
all i want, at this point, is to experience more of the world, more of what the world has to offer. i have an opportunity that many are still struggling to attain, that many are struggling to fight for for others. SO i shall make myself useful, and use it. the opportunity, that is.
and by the way. since i'm already rambling and rolling and digressing, Oppression and Discrimination and Racism takes place on MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS. think of it as being a domino effect. a chain reaction, of sorts. our every move has an after-effect.
all the same, i still am adamant at selling my soul to the demons of advertising, for the purpose of extracting relevant information and developing skills to contribute to the CAUSES FOR THE GREATER GOOD.

this is the current me: volunteer, looking for (other) opportunities
this is the ideal me: workaholic with a penchant for volunteer endeavours

CONCLUSION?

i am so not hippy...yet.

and i dont want to be hypocritical like some people i've met along the way..seriously, why bother saving the world (no, not the world..just the poor bloody-mostly-Asian countries that can't save themselves..but MAN, IS IT CHEAP to travel there!! *cue rolling eyes, on my part*) when you can't even be arsed to be nice on a daily basis? WHY?
good grief. yes, keep kidding yourself that you're great just cos you do work (that isn't). blech.

i like the people keep it real. They've got the Right Stuff. With the Right Intentions. Some Leftist Appeal, but Lots of Brain Power. i likes. i lurves. i hugs.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE CHOCOLATE.

the goo that wasn't

WHERE IS THIS SCRUMPTIOUS GOOEY MESSY MELTY OOZY CHOCOLATEY chocolate food WHEN i NEED IT MOST???
WHERE WHERE WHEREEEEEE?????????
gimme back.

if i had green suede shoes...

someone would notice, take big strides up to me, and offer me a job. right there and then. a happy ending. the end.

sigh.
and then there are the days where you just know you're going stumble upon that perfectjob (an oxymoron, if i ever saw one! ok, no. i didnt mean that. there are dream jobs out there, dammit!)
I WILL I HAVE TO i MUST.
"we're off to see the wizard.."

this one i couldn't help

my inner child? this one i couldn't go past.

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing. You're cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes. And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad. You figure there's just so many great things to look forward to.

How Is Your Inner Child?

quote me

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

destined for more ambiguity! there was this one dialogue i had with my philosophical uncle (a spiritual guide, in his own right) where we discussed extensively the idea of the gray (as opposed to black & white..yes, i'm serious). we feel ill-prepared and discouraged to try paths less trodden on. WHY? no doubt, each move one makes should be an analysed one, calculated even. but, sometimes, during all the hours of pondering, we overlook the most important voice of all: our own. do what YOU feel is right. the other voices that surround you are meant to create a platform from which you can make an educated and well-informed decision. life is challenging. and decisions seem life-threatening. but if assumption "is the mother of all fuck-ups", then we cannot assume. and we cannot deprive ourselves of the rainbow that may await us right in the middle of the gray matter. rainbows are made up from rain and sunshine. gray is from black and white. 1+1=3. :O)

*this is awesome, i get to be even more convoluted than before...with a purpose!

stark raving random

(yes, i made the one with covered up with choc buttons..a proud moment!)

one of many self-explanatory photos captured during the 4th quarter of last year..
getting creative in bims' shower...(to put it in perspective, it was thanksgiving!)

i heart
...melbourne

ON TO THE NEXT!

rather than go with the usual long-winded shpiel reflecting on the old, and gingerly predicting the future, i figured i'd just be...random :O) ok. maybe i'll just do the season's greetings and well wishes before i indulge in my (questionable) artistic flair. heh.

LURVEYALOTSL.BIG HUGS.ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT AND BESTEST OF WISHES IN ALL EXPLORATIONS (yes, even if it's a self-help book) AND LIFE (in general!)

now i've decided to discard my initial thoughts and be reflective. because one learns from one's past, but one should always remember to live in the present, whilst having outlines/plans for the future. never mind that it sounds like a handful..erm, i guess it's like never judging a book by its cover. words are like a cover to a story. it's the inner information that is all the juice, where we're able to derive further meaning (if at all). to deal with the right here, right now, and see it in a positive light with supercharged enthusiasm, i think it is important to have moments of dealing with the past. the modus operandi of each individual may differ...given that our reasons or experiences would have affected or been dealt with in our distinct individual style. of course, this brings us to the core of my post...i'm relating to my past year through verbal reflection. especially in these last few days, i've noticed several disctint points: i) engaging in discourse allows for a wealth of opinions and sentiments that may relate or teach one new avenues ii) being more open to criticism and differing views iii)having to publicly disclose my thoughts on previously grievious subjects affords me the skill of managing and organizing my thoughts in a less-random structure, ie. there is a point to my rambling...and then, of course, there's clarity, patience-calm&collectiveness iv) the feeling of letting-go,accepting my newfound knowledge from the past and learning to use it in newer pastures v) there are more than just my own eyes and ears watching out for me..all equipped with the same first-hand information your past. or something like that.
more tracks to be made tomorrow.
but for now, the temporary sydneysider must retire in an effort to make the most of days coming forth. hugsywugsypuddingnppies. much love.

drawing on my inner child...

You're an Etch-a-Sketch!! You're the creative, artsy type who doesn't need to actually utilize a single muscle group in order to have fun. Doesn't matter though, you're still cool.>

of course, i had to take a quiz on a site which doesnt have the right sort of code for blogspot...but never mind. i'd like to think i've left some part of this post to the imagination, never mind if it was unintentional. hah. explore realms of visualization like never before. in technicolour*.

*and then, of course, you realize that etch-a-sketches of the 80's generation weren't exactly colourful, save for the orange casing.**

**orange is a colour, so technically...

ok. i've left the building. peace out.