It's been over a year and a half since I last wrote a post and yet, it feels so much longer. Now is a good time as any to take stock of where I am now compared to where I was last year.
I think I grew a little more in the time that passed. As always, I hope that I grow into a person that my younger self wouldn't be ashamed of. I often wonder if our younger, more innocent selves were to meet us as we are now, would they would shake their heads with regret or smile in gladness? I'd like to think that if a younger Katherine were to come visit me today, she would be proud to one day become who I am now.
It's times like these that I wish I was more diligent in writing in a diary to keep account of daily events. When I try to think back to even a year ago, most of my memories are tinged with haziness. I've probably forgotten the little moments that made me smile or the small bubbles of happiness. Instead, I'm left with a random assortment of snippets that meld together. So because of this, I've taken up the habit of recording the fleeting moments that make me happy: seeing the clear night sky with its multitude of stars up in the hills, being enveloped in a warm comforting hug, riding downhill on a warm and sunny spring day, waking from a happy dream, walking with close friends in the twilight, hearing the ocean lapping the shore at night, the list goes on. However, I'll say this. It wasn't just moments of joy that made me grow.
Kahlil Gibran, the poet whose words I treasure, said this of joy and sorrow:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
There were times when I was sad. I might've been sad for the silliest of reasons and also the most serious ones but the truth is, I can't quite remember what I was sad about. It doesn't matter though because it was that sadness that made me better remember happiness. The two go hand-in-hand and I'd gladly feel sad to one day feel happy.
I've yet to talk about my actual growth. I've intimated that I felt both sadness and happiness this past year and a half but I've neglected to say how these experiences actually shaped me. Unfortunately, I can't pick out a singular event that was a catalyst for my change. I think it's more about the series of experiences that slowly moulded me into who I am now. This year, I endeavoured to expose myself to as many people and experiences as I could. For too long I was comfortable in my quaint bubble of familiarity. Yet, without stimulation, how can we hope to progress? The process was hard and at times awkward but because we are adaptable creatures, things became easier and slowly, my eyes opened.
I thought that beyond certain circumstances that I had no control over whatsoever, I was the master of my own fate. I had no barriers. If I wanted something, all I needed to do was work hard enough and eventually, it would come to me. Now I realise that way of thinking is a true luxury. You and I make up the privileged few who able to achieve anything if we put nose to grindstone. Outside of our circle are those who are hindered to achieve their aspiration by finances, by health, by bureaucracy, by violence, by hate and by fear. Wouldn't it be good if we could alleviate someone of those hindrances so that they could join us on our lofty peak? Ah, it seems I haven't outgrown idealism.
I've grown a little. I've changed. I think I can say that I've finally become an adult and inherited all the trappings - good and bad. I expect that I'll grow even more in the next year or so because already I can feel that the experiences that made me smile, laugh, cry and shout have all been assimilated into my person. Not quietly though because they left their indelible mark on me. So I'll examine the marks and learn more about myself and the world around me.
What I'm trying to say is that I am constantly evolving. As I mature, I think I will gain a better understanding of this world and its constituents and my place in it. But for now, I will try to savour each day at a time.
