A baby. Yes, a baby. A second chance at bringing a baby home with me for keeps. A possible July baby (to be exact). There is absolutely nothing I want more in this world. So, please bring on the nausea (and so he/she has). Bring on the anxiety (oh, yes, already there). And please bring on the hopefulness that this baby could be one that stays. I am so attached already. I am dreaming. I am planning. Imagining. Pinning. Thinking. And all of the above on constant repeat. I find that I have difficulty thinking of much else these days, which is absolutely impossible given my job and life. However, it is my focus. My life (well, most of it). This is what is most important. And that is why it consumes my every thought.
Consuming of anything in large quantities doesn't really mean it's a good thing. I must admit that. But because I am consumed with the thought of this baby and everything that goes with it, along comes the anxiety, stress and constant reminders of what was. Even though I willingly asked for the nausea (see above), it also brings me back to the times when I was nauseous before. It takes me to the days I had sitting and sleeping on a couch wondering if I would ever stop vomiting (sorry to be graphic) and worrying about what was happening to my body and to the baby. There were days then where I could barely do anything...and then the stress of the pregnancy added to the stress of my marriage. I think about how the nausea ended around 16-17 weeks, but that my baby didn't live much longer after that time. Will I worry about that when the nausea ends this time around? Wondering if the little heartbeat inside me is still flickering?
Added to the nausea is the fear/anxiety. The majority of those out there who still read my blog know what this is like. I have read your blogs. Your Facebook posts. Emails. The fear is always there. And the blissfulness is gone. Gone are the days where I might have said, "when" but "if" has replaced that. A co-worker of mine told me that 2013 is going to be a wonderful year for me and my family. I looked at her, and replied with "I hope." Yes, I dream. And yes, I do plan. But some of that scares me. It scares me to be so attached. It scares me to imagine what "could" happen. I know I can do this. It's why I tried again. Because I know I can handle whatever comes my way, and seeing all those rainbows out there has renewed my hope that good things can happen. But, I also know that bad things can happen again. I have seen that too.
So, as I share this post and this news with all of you. I ask for your prayers. I ask for your comments or messages of hope. I ask for you to share this journey with me and with lil' sprout. I also ask for you to keep this to yourself and the babyloss world. Please no Facebook wall posts. I love all of you and your support, but I am not ready for that part of my world to know yet. Many close friends and family of mine (not BLMs) have been told, and I often find it frustrating the way they celebrate it. The advice comes. The desire to see me celebrate and smile all the time comes. Believe me....I (we) are so, so happy. Blessed beyond belief. But I have done this pregnancy thing. 22 weeks to be exact. I know that right now there are people I need more than anyone else. And that includes so many of you. You are here because you know my story. You love Kennedy. And you "get it." Not only is lil' spout my flicker of hope, but you are also....you and your babies. Each and every one of them. I can't do this without you. I really truly believe that.
Consuming of anything in large quantities doesn't really mean it's a good thing. I must admit that. But because I am consumed with the thought of this baby and everything that goes with it, along comes the anxiety, stress and constant reminders of what was. Even though I willingly asked for the nausea (see above), it also brings me back to the times when I was nauseous before. It takes me to the days I had sitting and sleeping on a couch wondering if I would ever stop vomiting (sorry to be graphic) and worrying about what was happening to my body and to the baby. There were days then where I could barely do anything...and then the stress of the pregnancy added to the stress of my marriage. I think about how the nausea ended around 16-17 weeks, but that my baby didn't live much longer after that time. Will I worry about that when the nausea ends this time around? Wondering if the little heartbeat inside me is still flickering?
Added to the nausea is the fear/anxiety. The majority of those out there who still read my blog know what this is like. I have read your blogs. Your Facebook posts. Emails. The fear is always there. And the blissfulness is gone. Gone are the days where I might have said, "when" but "if" has replaced that. A co-worker of mine told me that 2013 is going to be a wonderful year for me and my family. I looked at her, and replied with "I hope." Yes, I dream. And yes, I do plan. But some of that scares me. It scares me to be so attached. It scares me to imagine what "could" happen. I know I can do this. It's why I tried again. Because I know I can handle whatever comes my way, and seeing all those rainbows out there has renewed my hope that good things can happen. But, I also know that bad things can happen again. I have seen that too.
So, as I share this post and this news with all of you. I ask for your prayers. I ask for your comments or messages of hope. I ask for you to share this journey with me and with lil' sprout. I also ask for you to keep this to yourself and the babyloss world. Please no Facebook wall posts. I love all of you and your support, but I am not ready for that part of my world to know yet. Many close friends and family of mine (not BLMs) have been told, and I often find it frustrating the way they celebrate it. The advice comes. The desire to see me celebrate and smile all the time comes. Believe me....I (we) are so, so happy. Blessed beyond belief. But I have done this pregnancy thing. 22 weeks to be exact. I know that right now there are people I need more than anyone else. And that includes so many of you. You are here because you know my story. You love Kennedy. And you "get it." Not only is lil' spout my flicker of hope, but you are also....you and your babies. Each and every one of them. I can't do this without you. I really truly believe that.