倩；Life's drawing without an eraser

Nolstalgia kills.

Saturday, June 23, 2012, 5:01 PM

Why. Why the fuck am i still unable to move on. I'm hating my life now. Hate it to the tiniest bit. JC has been hell for me. Dont judge by looking at photos. I'm not feeling the tiniest pinch of happiness from it.

"Do what you love, and love what you do"
Isn't that what's life is all about?

Fuck it.
i'm far from it. i feel restricted from doing what i want to and what i feel like. i feel totally trapped. physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm hating what i do. And this is probably the root of the problem. I'm not loving life, I'm hating it. I hate the very fact that I'm living such a life. I'm wasting my time torturing my self in every aspect.

tomorrow's common test. i care because if i fail it like shit, i would have to retain. retain? sounds good yea? i can transfer to poly and hell yeah there's life there. but it means one year wasted. i dont know why i got myself and my life into such a huge pile of mess but for sure, im hating it.

i know i'm like one mentally unsound bitch complaining about my life here but i dont care. Somethings i've been keeping it within myself for so long and when i'm here again to vent it all out, my thoughts dont flow, they are in chaos, and i just type what i feel like.

seriously, life has never been so bad. i dont remember myself hating life this much before Os. i dont know how the fuck i did it but i know i have neither the strengh nor mental will to fight the battle like how i did. I'm drained. I really am. I'm tired of being pessimistic. it's good when waves of optimisms hit me once in a blue moon but they never last. Then again, i'd be back to being an emo bitch.

i feel like running away. when i thought of dying, i asked myself if i'd be happier that way. my answer was an outright no. because i have dreams and i have in mind the life that i want to lead. i want to continuing living and make the best out of it because life is short. but not this way, not like now.

i would do anything to turn time back. i want my secondary school days back. i want my stress free life and all the joy and laughter i can share with my friends. i feel suffocated whenever i relieve bits and pieces of my memories. then i'd stop myself. because if i do, i'll break down. like now. like there's no tomorrow.

i'm done with my thoughts.

hopefully one day, i can look back at this and give myself a pat on the shoulder and say "you survived it".

i cant get myself out of this deep abyss of depression.
this deep shit.