Looking back, the good old times...
Its such a regretful thing that we aren't able to continue the flow of good memories,
because you've pretty much gave me a death sentence.
& literally, there's no way i could change the way you judge me.
I know, i may have disappointed you back in those days. The blazer stuffs, the photo-taking incident, all too hurting to be even brought up. Seriously, i admit that the photo-taking was out fault, indeed, it was totally atrocious for us to have done that. We apologized. But that probably already contributed 50% of how you judge us as 'leaders' with no values. Pretty much hurting. Well, fine, we deserve it.
The blazer incident?
For this, i dont understand what grave mistake we made.
For us the prefects to wear blazers on the ceremony of our stepping down, i think there's absolutely no way you could deny this valid request. Its not like we didn't think for others. I even brought up that there are old blazers in the PB room and request for the slc members to have the same attire as us, as a whole, the pioneer SC batch.
Definitely i no longer deny this, because i know we have no ability to overthrow this whole system. I learned my lesson.
I know that the issue of having to buy the long sleeves and aline skirt was also thought as crazy for some. Teachers did initiate to sponsor them for the court shoes and whatsoever. But at last, they didn't want to.
I dont blame them of course, seriously if i were them i wouldn't have agreed too.
Fine, since everyone already agreed on it, its counted as a peaceful decision.
The things you posted, the pain it inflicted on my mind never once stopped echoing in my mind. Once again, yes right, we have no moral values.
Because we wanted to step down the way we stepped up in blazer, because we suggested the slc members to wear the blazers with us, because the slc members decided not to wear the blazers, because of the peaceful decision we ended up with, because we wanted to fight for right of wearing blazers, therefore we have no moral values.
I'm not sure how you think, but definitely you don't apprehend the situation we are in, you assume we are fighting for the blazers because we want to step down proudly in them, with glory, with special attention or whatsoever you call it.
We wanted to wear the blazers because we took pride in the blazers we wear when we stepped up. Because it represents the recognition of us prefects during our appointment last year, so we wanted to step down the way we are. Requesting to wear blazers during the ceremony was too much? I dont get why.
Its the prelim period.
Why the hell would i even be here typing about those things that i would never ever want to bring up ever?
Because you guys reminded me of it.
When we walk past, i smiled, you ignored.
When i saw you, you gave me the look that told me i'm not worth you smiling at.
When i tried to talk to you, you snubbed me.
How wonderful.
Everytime i see you, you can never imagine how uneasy i feel.
Millions of emotions raced through my mind.
Guilt, Unrightly Accused, Anger, Forgiveness, Assumptions, Moral values, Leadership
Everytime, it starts a self conflict in my mind.
At your glance,
I sense you despising me, telling me that i'm the most failed Vice Head ever, my batch of exco are lack of moral values, what we've all done is against moral values, you dont take any single pride in us, deem us as worthless leaders and most importantly, i feel guilty because i let you down, whether or not i think what i've done is right. Because, i respect you, that's why i feel guilt, if not why would i even give a damn to someone who can make assumptions and outright deem us people lacking of moral values?
At this instant, despite you refuse recognize me at all, because i'm a worthless leader, i would still like to retain that little respect for you.
Despite how hurting every single your ignorance is.
I know, when you see me, you must be feeling bad too. I'm not sure. Maybe you just took me as a transparent sheet.
But since things are over, why do you have to still dwell on it?!
Smiling and greeting one another isn't a courtesy anymore?
ITS OVER. Although i STILL dont feel any wrong in wanting to wear blazers, i showed my courtesy by smiling at you and attempting to greet you but you immediate expression told me its pointless. I dont think teachers are always right, but at least i'm not those kind who snub people just because i'm disappointed in them. So basic courtesy doesn't apply anymore?
If i can put the past behind me and face you teachers with manners and courtesy, why cant you all just appreciate it and at least return it with a smile?
You guys make me feel outright worthless.
& it makes me think teachers aren't forgiving.
So, students made mistakes, and you ignore them.
Nice teachers.
I don't see any good values in you either.
Seriously, i still am willing to retain the respect for you guys.
I'll still continue to smile at you guys when we walk past, greet you when we bypass.
It's up to you if you want to appreciate or not.
Because I have moral values.
I'm not that childish to ignore people and snub people because they did something wrong.
I too, feel guilty for letting you guys down.
But cant you guys just move on?
So forever down the road, i cant never expect you to appreciate my courtesy anymore.
Cause I'm forever worthless to you.
Letting a teacher down, you think that feeling is nice?
Especially when i dont think i did something wrong.
That contradictory feeling isn't bringing me anywhere.
Lastly, i have to admit that i'm a very fail Vice Head. Be it a leader in Pb or Slc. Seems like none takes pride in me anyway.
This is so demoralizing such that i'd not want to be a leader, anymore.
This mental turmoil has been going on in my mind for a long time.
There's no way i could express well to anybody.
Because this is personal, and nobody would seem to understand or even give a damn.
You make me wanna leave school asap.
.___.
Nevertheless, Thank you for all the chances you guys have given me. I cant deny that i have indeed learned a lot from you all. Thank you for guidance in the past. :)
