i took so much effort to get out of this shit hole. i'm not going to fall back in anymore. no more.

leave everything as history. it's not coming back anymore.

他一定很爱你

我躲在车里 手握着香槟

想要给你 生日的惊喜

你越走越近 有两个声音
我措手不及 只得楞在那里

我应该在车底 不应该在车里
看到你们有多甜蜜
这样一来我也比较 容易死心
给我离开的勇气

他一定很爱你 也把我比下去
分手也只用了一分钟而已
他一定很爱你 比我会讨好你
不会像我这样孩子气 为难着你

exam results are out!!!

ORGANIC AND INORGANIC CHEMISTRY 8.00 B+
INTRO TO CHEMICAL & BIOCHEMICAL ENGG 5.50 A
ENGINEERING DRAWING & COMPUTER APPL 3.00 A
ENGINEERING MATHEMATICS 2 6.00 A+
ORAL COMMUNICATION 2.00 B
SPORTS AND WELLNESS 2.00 PX

way to go man. poly's kewl. train like a semi-pro and still get good results. haa. meanwhile enjoying 1-2 weeks of mid season break. [=

my heart raced as i torn apart the heavily stapled envelop. each staple signifies the amount of pain i've been through. each staple was like a painful stab through my heart.

i finally got myself to clear up the last drawer in my cabinet. packaging boxes of stuff that i've bought for the past year or so, race number tags, safety pins, notebooks ectera.

i knew beneath the drawer lies my secret compartment. only i know what i keep down there. after clearing up the junks, i removed the drawer from the cabinet and saw the dusty compartment under the drawer. there lies a dusty white envelop.

i havent touch that thing since that day you left. i told myself not to look at it anymore, knowing that will fucked me up. i told myself the next time i see that pic, i'll have a new girl in my arms, showing her the picture of my previous relationship.

the picture still looked the same. the couple in the picture are good looking. the smile, the hair, the oakleys on the head, the braces, the clothes...

surprising i didnt feel what i expected to. the awful feeling in the gut, behind the neck, behind the head, the bad taste in the throat. they werent there.

the guy in the picture definately doesnt look like me anymore. but it was me. 7 months back. i looked like that.

the picture is dead. what happened in the picture is dead. non-living. the love is dead. the relationship is non-existant.

bbmak - ghost of you and me

so true. how true.

i took quite a long time looking at the picture. i realised that i was looking more at myself than you. i donno why. i realised i've changed. the facial features are still the same. maybe i've put on some weight. i definately changed over the months.

that guy in the picture was a fucker.
selfish, insensitive bastard. period.

then i took a new envelope and kept the picture away, with the rest of the snail-mail letters and photos i've taken with the girls i liked. i took last look at you. your smile, your hair, your eyes, your braces...

the picture went back to the place it should rest. together with the memories. buried deeper and deeper as time goes by...

i dont know what im writing all these. but. yeah.

so the truth is out.

i'm not that good after all.

sponsored rider? youngest national rider?

all bullshit.

only manage to get 59:00 for mens' sports, and 18:58 for juniors. No position for mens' sports. A big hoo-haa for juniors. at the prize presentation i was in the first position. happy for the past 8-10 hours. thinking that i still rule the juniors though i screwed up the sports.

big no-no.

Huimin told me that by there was a big mistake with the timekeeping, and the last few riders were screwed up. so officially i should be 4th instead of 1st. ha ha...

that hit me pretty big. can say that i still feel depressed. damn depressed. sad. i wouldnt mind them giving me the 4th place medal the prize presentation, i knew i screwed up the race. why give me the 1st position medal and make me return it later? why make me happy just for that few hours? damnit. big fucking mistake.

i couldnt concentrate during the race today. my speed was low. going real slow. the wind felt strong. for sports my timing was a full 1min slower than my training ride on thursday. fuck it.

fuck it. fuck the sponsorship. i dont want to ride his bike anymore. im feel stressed, pressurized, i cant breathe. there's just this thought of giving up racing, giving up the sport. dont want to do anymore. just get on with my life.

training and racing is now like a chore. a job. a work. but i dont get paid. it just feels like being a slut, getting free stuff. and work so hard. riding a bike that's not yours. washing and maintaining a bike that doesnt belong to you. it suck. really.

i dont care no more. i'm not gonna ride his bike anymore. i'll be far more happier riding my old bike. maybe the thought of racing under national colours should be forgotten. just be a leisure rider. why go race? why all the stress?

anyway see how it goes. dad promised to buy me a bike. i guess he hate to see me like this also. fuck it.

fuck it.

i hope i get through all these. i need a break badly.

tomorrow is big race day.

the race of truth.

individual time trial.

i'll be doing both mens' sports and junior category. i'm hoping to get podiums for both the cats. which me good luck pals, need all of them.

no punctures, no cockups... no punctures, no cockups... no punctures, no cockups.

'go go go!' 'all the way all the way kit!' 'push it, come on, give them all you have got.' 'fuck "em!'

'if you're not good in time trial you're good in nothing!

alrights. sleeping early tonight.
nights.

the lover after me

here i go again i promised myself i wouldn't think of you today
it's been seven months and counting
you've moved on
i still feel exactly the same

it's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
like photographs and memories of love
steel and granite reminders
the city calls your name and I can't move on

ever since you've been gone
the lights go out the same
the only difference is
you call another name
to your love
to your lover now
to your love
the lover after me

am I all alone in the universe?
there's no love on these streets
i have given mine away to a world
that didn't want it anyway

so this is my new freedom
it's funny
i don't remember being chained
but nothing seems to make sense anymore
without you I'm always twenty minutes late

ever since you've been gone
the lights go out the same
the only difference is
you call another name
to your love
to your lover now
to your love
the lover after me

and time goes by so slowly
the nights are cold and lonely
i shouldn't be holding on
but i'm still holding on for you

here i go again
i promised myself i wouldn't think of you today
but i'm standing at your doorway
i'm calling out your name because i can't move on

ever since you've been gone
the lights go out the same
the only difference is
you call another name
to your love
to your lover now
to your love

the lover after me

am back from fraser's hill racespeda race. it was a great trip up, enjoyable with the ascender guys, as well as a good training ride for me. shall update more about the race once i get the race report ready for ascender.net .

been feeling damn tired these days. putting in almost all my time on the bike and recovery. hardly have anytime for myself. sigh. who says being a sponsored rider is cool? i thought so. now i can feel all the stress and pressure on me to provide results and perform. haiz. donno la. might just end the sponsorship in a few week's time. dad wants to get me a bike, he prefers me riding my own bike instead of someone's. that's probably coz bro is driving the nissan march to work everyday now. making up huh.

anyway is cool. i really crave for some rest and time off the bike. else i risk burn out and sell my bike away and be a couch potato for the rest of my life. been working hard for itt this sunday, shaved 20secs off my previous time trial timing, at 58:40 now. according to last year's result, that should place me around 7th position in sports category. my first lap this morning was 19:00, 53 seconds off my last year's 14km itt for junior cat. oh well. i guess i improved quite abit huh. will be doing both sports and junior cat this sunday. hopefully 2 podium finish to make everyone happy.

it suck being a fulll time cyclist. even when you're not paid to do that. i suppose there's gonna be more to life. sigh. i need a break.

a big milestone in my life...
I SHAVED MY LEGS LAST NIGHT!!!

oh well.
until next time...

am going up kuala lumpar-fraser's hill for a race tomorrow for the weekend. let's hope everybody be safe and sound up there.

no crash, no crash, absolutely no crash. Please.

so the exams finally ended. finally. but i dont feel a thing at all. *shrugs* perhaps because i didnt exactly put in the effort that is expected of me. papers arent that bad, will expect myself to get 2A and 1B. maths was so-so. oic was bad. icbe surprisingly was good. hope everything goes well.

just a few days back i've gotten to know that one of my close friend actually broke up with her bf of about a year plus. nobody knew she was attached all along. well i guess it hit her pretty bad. just like me last year. seems like history keeps repeating itself har? what a bad timing for breakups.

haiz.

been talking to her quite abit, and it somehow brought back some memories. how i struggled. how i grieved. how bad the feeling of getting dumped. or rather, putting it nicely, ending a relationship. we agreeed that nothing feels worst than falling out of love. and nothing beats the warm feeling of being in love.

falling out of love is worst than a bike crash. i've crashed several times. you get a hard knock on your head, feels wobbly hoping that your head is okay. torn jerseys. road rashes all over. parts of bike damaged, the need to fork out money to replace or repair.

how do one repair a broken heart?

i seriously can feel how she's feeling inside. the reason why im feeling so much is because when i was down, she was there for me. so there's something deep down that tells me that i should be there for her now. in times of need. i know how it feels like. lying in bed, tossing and turning. cant get the picture of the person out of your head. it's just like getting crazy. you cry. everybody cry. i cried too. humans are just so emotional.

so why get into a relationship knowing that one day it can happen to you? i've seen alot of people around me that gets into a relationship one after another. is that true love? do you really love that person? or you fell in love with love?'

falling in love with love?

something deep inside tells me not to rush into a relationship. some ask me to just grab a girl to tide me over. i do admit at times i feel the need of having someone beside me. why get into a relationship for the sake of it? why be selfish and just care about yourself? is it about sex? to release all those raging hormones deep down inside?

like i said. given a chance i rather not experience it all. but doesnt everything happens for a reason, and for the best of it? all happened to educate us all so we won't make the same mistakes again? all for the experience? to know how everything is like?

killing the curiousity? curiousity killed the bird once.

times flies. i've been single for 6 months. actually i typed out 'alone' instead of 'single' just a couple of seconds ago. but i edited it. i'm not exactly living alone. i've my families and friends around for me. actually im contented for all i've now. my achievements in cycling, the closer bonding with the guys in school, perhaps i've evolved to a better person now. more mature.

throughout this period, i've crushes on girls around me. some lasted only for a while, but only a couple still remains in my heart now. crushes. i thought crushes are only for kids. Perhaps eventually none of it will work out. who knows? might or might not. i'm not dwelling on it.

feeling of being lonely?

i've no idea why suddenly im getting so emotionally all over again. perhaps i'm reliving what i felt half a year back. after the final thermodynamics paper, thinking about how i could get her back. the feeling is back. the fucky feeling in the gut. sometimes behind the head.

oh well.

holidays are here. my parents urge me to work. but the old job eeks me. i've enough of that. perhaps shall proceed with my plans of training full time and concentrate on learning driving for the 2 months break. hopefully by july i'll be able to drive a car legally. alrights. let the night rolls, me sitting here, enjoying the solitude.

i hope she be well. be strong girl.

woot! it has been quite awhile since i stayed up so late. i mean really late. it's almost 5am now. woohoo.

anyway have been trying hard to hit the books, OIC this wed and ICBE this fri. been trying to clear the notes and do the past year exam questions but all attempts seems so futile.

i think i'm kinda screwed yo. 5am and im still not in bed. maybe i can change and ride down to orchard and meet the anza guys for their ride at 0600? heh. nah. better get into bed soon, wakey at 1000, do some work, nap in the afternoon, ride rodalink in the evening, and mug again at night.

alrights man. hope to sleep soon.

最熟悉的陌生人

还记得吗 窗外那被月光染亮的海洋
你还记得吗 是爱让彼此把夜点亮
为何后来我们 用沉默替代依赖
曾经朗朗星空 渐渐阴霾
心碎离开 转身回到最初荒凉里等待
为了寂寞 是否找个人填心中空白
我们变成了世上 最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀

只怪我们爱得那么汹涌
爱得那么深
于是梦醒了 搁浅了 沉默了
挥手了 却回不了神

如果当初在交会时能忍住了
激动的灵魂
也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里 沉沦

我们变成了世上最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀