so it's almost entering the final hours of my special day.
special day? *shurgs*
So 24th Feb 2004 started off with makeup lecture at 9am and a simple lunch at pizza hut with my classmatest to celebrate my birthday. Thanks wc, wee, benny, weiming, waikit. Came home after a round of pool and had a nap, and met patrick for some marina south loops for sunday's race.
A simple $1 ice coffee at a coffee shop after the ride set me off for some serious thoughts. Patrick said the team had lotsa hopes on me, and he paid special attention and care to me because im the youngest. both in age and mentality. He said sometimes i behave like a kid, and i agree with him. there's just a little kid of me living inside of me.
Sometimes i admire my friends who can really be mature. perhaps being mature is a virtue. it makes people admire you and respect you. perhaps it's time i should act like my age and grow up.
So ask me how does it feel to be 18. there's a sudden urge to go to a local convenient store and get a bottle of carlsberg and proudly flash my id at the cashier. i'm finally legal to purchase alcohol. sometimes when i drink i ask myself: do i really like the feeling of drinking beer, or do i just want to prove my age. they always say kids want to be treated and be like an adult. perhaps that's just me, im a kid.
Patrick knew what went wrong in my previous relationship. i can still recall crying into his arms on the first sunday after the breakup. he said i never said sorry. he said he never hear me say the word 'sorry' before. i accidently cut into his lane during the ride just now and i guess i didnt say sorry.
what's about the word? sorry seems to be the hardest word. how true.
it's not when you accidently bump or hit someone and you say the word sorry. how often do we really say that word out of real sincerity? people make mistakes in their life, and how often can we swallow our ego and set aside our pride to say sorry.
may, im sorry.
im beginning to live with the fact that it's impossble to forget her. i guess i'lll never be able too. deep down inside, i've kept the wonderful memories of her deep inside somewhere in a place of my heart. once in awhile thought of her will surface in my mind, those beautiful moments we've spent together, the chase, the breakup, everything. 4 months had passed. it had been a really good experience for me.
it will be a lie to admit that i've forgotten her totally. i dont know about her. perhaps she already forgotten about me. it have been quite awhile since we last spoke to each other. the last couple of times i saw her, the anger in her eyes were gone. our eyes met.
who is this girl? she looks so familiar yet i think i dont even know her name.
still remember how fucked up i got when i found her she got hitched. it was the jealousy and thousand other mixture of emotions that set me down on my worst breakdown ever. i began to live with the fact that she's with someone else. like what yingli told me awhile back, that one fine day i'll realise that im happy that she's living happily now.
on the ride back home i was having serious thoughts about my life right now. i'm actually pretty satisfied and happy with what thing is now. my academic is smooth and good, allows me to put in 10 hours a week on the saddle. i can ride hard and get noticed and recognised for my effort.
i finally managed to make myself admit my interest in -her- last week. i guess she sort of expected it because of the occasional hints and stuff. i did that just to let her know my feelings for her. i didnt ask her to start a relationship with me, nor did i want any commitments between us. perhaps im fear of rejection. but i'm pretty happy about it. i feel that as long as i get to sms and talk to her everyday, get to meet up with her once or twice a week, it's sufficient. i dont have to be in a r/s to feel happy. i'm happy with what things are now.
like what zong told me last night. dont worry about getting hitched, just be happy. who knows, one day me and her might just be together, which will be at it best. right now, just be happy.
[=
sometimes i blog alot, sometimes i write just once a couple of week with just a sentence. it's deep down inside of me that i want to keep all my thoughts and emotions to myself. maybe it's just me. i dont wish other people to know everything i do and how i feel about things. that's why most of the times i put on my shades and live in a world of my own, plugging on to the music. only i know what im looking at, people won't know what im looking at.
so it's almost coming to an end. my birthday. bird day i called it. just realised that i didnt have a cake, just like other birthday. i sorta hinted to my mum that i hope that i can have one for my 18th year, but i dont see any today. i also realised that no one has yet to sing me a birthday song today.
oh well.
let me just stop typing and chill for the last couple of moments of my 18th birthday.
Cheers,
Kit Leong
Team Ascender Poster Boi(tm)
