So know that I now

Well, its no big revelation right?

You knew, she told you of it anyway. Well come off it, even if she didn't tell you, you would still have found out. You are too sharp for that.

I am too sharp. Sometimes for my own good. To be honest, I don't know where this comes from. I'm just so jacked all the fucking time. Maybe after quiting smokes, I should quit coffee next. Fucking hell.

-------------

Hey, don't read too much into it, R did not do anything untoward. She was just having one of her difficult days. I can, will and must tolerate it.

Like I told justin, I guess we could fight alot, but as long as we still love one another, I guess that is ok.

--------------

Well that was unpleasant and difficult but it had to be done. And I truly believe that it is for the best.  Bitter medicine right?


Oh well, fuck this, its 315am , I need to go to bed. I am seeing R tomorrow and I will tell her that I love her because I really do.

--------------


Remember, just fucking remember why you do the things that you do. Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize.

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle.

This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Mouthful of Forevers – Clementine von Radics

Haps.

I'm happy. You happy? Love you.

Of course I am happy. I love you too.




It's not like we were doing something terribly exciting. Infact, if you really wanted to know, we were just watching "Taxi Taxi" at her place. With her mum.

I remember looking for quiet comfort and while it is really still early days, I suspect I might have found it.

Who is to say what is to happen in the future? But right in this moment, I wouldn't want things in any other way.

I say it like I mean it.

If you asked me to explain, I would not be able to tell you what the deal is right now.
As much as I don't think I am, R always asks "Why are you so good with words?".

Sometimes I have no words for her and I have told her so. Not sure if she really belives me though. Hope she does.

Shit is getting real. I briefly met her colleagues yesterday. It was not the easiest of experience but it wasn't too difficult either.

Her friends on the other hand, well I am pretty sure they like me. Well except for N. I can't make out what she thinks of me. But by and large, I have been good. Behaving well.

Wait a minute. Have I mentioned that I even met her mum?

/ Shakes head in disbelief.

----

You know, I think this time I am really in the deep end. I say it without reservation or embaressment. This time I really have gotten myself into a fix. This time, an easy out really isn't an option. Infact, I don't think there is even an easy option available at all.

So basically, since there is no way out and moving backwards is unacceptable to me, I have made my mind up to just move forward no matter what it takes me.

So yeap. Forging ahead.

---


Work? Work is good. I'm going going to try 3 different kinds of ramen tomorrow and I got a new phone to try out. So it is all good.

With your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul.

there really isn't nothing that we couldn't do.






So by all accounts, its been a good week.

I guess... Im not complaining, I will take what I can get.

I think things are slowly, very very slowly getting better. I am cautious. Cautiously optimistic.

I've been happy, sometimes deliriously so. So if happiness is my barometer for how things are going, I guess it has been going ok.

I've been less afraid of asking R if she is happy because at times, I think she is and realises it. She hasn't noticed, but her grip on my hand has been getting tighter and tighter.

Perhaps she is coming to terms with the situation? I hope so. Like Abbey said, its really just a status thing now isn't it? Its been 4 months and we are so much a part of each other lives. Or is it? fuck me silly if I know.

But to be honest, it is unfair for me to keep time as R and I have very different ideas of when things actually got serious. She really only knew I was serious when I was already seriously serious. Thinking back, I cannot decide if I was not being obvious or if she was oblivious. But by all accounts and in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't that important is it?

Sometimes I feel this part of me is so retarded, as in, undeveloped and backwards. I wonder if I am doing the right thing most of the time. Because I am confused, I suppose I just let morality guide me. R has said the best thing to do is to be transperant, honest and that we have no secrets between us. So I guess thats the policy I will try to stick too.

Last week, we were both so busy. Both of us were working 6 day work weeks and only on Sunday did we have time to head out. We had a leisurely branch at The Garden Slug. I really like the food there and the coffee was alright. But the place had a relaxed vibe which I like. And for Sunday brunch, it was really quiet which I appreciated alot. Then we caught a afternoon screening of Pacific Rim. I thought the movie was good in an entertaining way. It doesn't have a story line, but it had pretty effects and sometimes, that is enough. But maybe I am biased because I spent the day with R and days like that tend to feel like having rose tinted glasses on. I was happy. Really really happy.

-----------------------

It has been what? Around 3 weeks since I last wrote? The first two weeks were bad. There were really times when I was just plain distraught. But from the bad episodes, I learn that I am fucking tough and that I can deal with the bad. And with that knowledge, there really isn't much that I am not ready to deal with. Am I scared? Sure. Am I dreading the bad stuff? Of course. But right now, I know I will be able to deal with the teeth gnashing moments when the time comes.
------------------------


"I am good for you and you bring out the best in me."

I say that to R all the time and I really believe in that. All the time too.

-------------------------

Listening to music has always been a form of indulgence for me. When I listen, I really am listening and sometimes I admit that listening to music isn't good for me. Now that I'm older and I know when it is time to just put the headphones away and to put a movie on instead. If you ask me, it is very similar to writing. At the end of the day, it is about engaging the voices in our heads right? Everyone has different coping mechanism so why begrude us our little indulgences?

Life is hard, let lose a little.

A wallet full of doubt

I never saw it coming. But I guess it was a symptom of my demands. Is it too greedy of me to want everything?

R said it stresses her out when we do the things that we do. When I hold her hand. When I hug her. When I peck her on the cheek. When we kiss.

Stress? fuck me, this is supposed to be fun. How did we get here? How did it get so intense?


I'm exhausted. I really am. Holding on so tightly has worn me out more than I care to admit. I'm tired but I refuse to give up.

She is freaking out because she thinks she can't fulfill her part of our relationship. But I've told her time and again that it is ok by me. Our emotions, feelings, effort and heart ache can't be measured in measuring cups so why even try?

" I was stressed because I didnt know what you like. I know you need a wallet. I know you want one. But I'm so tired to try. I have no drive. I just don't know."

She said that as she handed me a wrapped package. If you ask me now how I felt back then, I still wouldn't know and I still won't be able to describe it accurately.

I was so happy. Yet I was so upset to hear those things. it's too trying sometimes.

I no longer know how to explain myself when people whom I care ask about the situation. I appreciate the concern. I do.

Some days we are just so happy. and some days we just a wallet full of doubts.

I'm just...

I'm so desperate for this to work. But I am too proud to tell anyone. 

I know you are afraid because of your past experiences, but don't you see? It just won't be the same. Even if it is just based on the people involved. 

I sometimes feel so tired but I loathe to give in because it involves you. 

And I'm so into you that I scare myself.

Walking Waltz.

You walked into my life with a shell of smiles.

Porcelain, glazed yet so full of cracks.

The intimacy of our minds, the shape of our past lies.

Like a poker game, I give you all, I wish you would call.

You walked into my life, now won't you stay to waltz with me.