Realization

I had a dream. I was crying in my dream and before I know it, I was waking up, crying. In my dream, we were looking at some "twelve secrets to a successful relationship" written by my brother and his soon-to-be wife. We were going through the list and you kept going "check", "I've done this before", "yup", and so on, while I was there baffled, thinking, "we've not done any of these together before".

As I felt the tears rolling down my sleeping face, a sudden realization hit me. I finally know the reason for my emotional turmoil. I'm jealous. Jealous that I'm not your first. Jealous that you have had lots of firsts with your ex and not me. I'm afraid that I can't compare to her because the jealous me feels that you had more fun being with her rather than me. Because I want to do things with you that you don't want to do, probably because you've done them before and didn't like them, or perhaps didn't want to be reminded of how much you enjoyed it doing it with someone else.

The jealousy is making me insecure. I know that you probably do love me but because you don't show your love openly, neither do you seem willing to talk about her, which makes me feel that you haven't let go off her, because if you have, you wouldn't mind talking about it. You might feel sadness or pity when recollecting but you would still feel comfortable talking about it, because when you truly let go, there will only be pity but no sadness. No sadness that will prevent you from talking about it.

False front

I'll be lying if I said I didn't care. I'll be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I'll be lying no matter what I say so it's best not to say anything at all.

Why do I always feel that you are not trying hard enough? Why do you always reject my invitations? Couldn't you put in a little more effort to at least let my parents get to know you? When are you going to stop using far and shy as an excuse? This is singapore. How far is far anyway? And how long are you going to be shy till? Till I stop hoping that my family will get to know you better or vice versa? How do you expect me to get a flat with you if I can't convince myself that you are the one for me, much less my parents? How do you expect me to start a family with you if you refuse to know my family or let me know yours? Is sleep that much more important than me? Are your gadgets and your virtual life that much more important than me? Perhaps it is. Perhaps I was too naive to keep finding excuses for you. You always avoid the difficult topics making it hard for me to talk to you about us. Perhaps it will be over when I quit. So many unknowns. So when will you be ready? Or you never will?

Are We an Us

Sometimes I feel that all you're looking for is someone you can have dinner with, someone whom you can grope legally for free, someone you can look for when you're bored.

Research says that when you're in love, your body produces a certain hormone which decreases your appetite and makes you less tired. See below: (http://www.asdn.net/asdn/chemistry/chemistry_of_love.shtml)

Chemistry Of Love

Attraction, love and relationships are fueled by actual chemicals, well, who hasn't heard that line nowadays? So many different hypothesizes of the processes of falling in love and out of it were recently proposed and so many different candidates of chemicals named to be blamed that the subject gets more and more complicated. Let's try to pull all of them together and get a clear picture for to date, because with the modern level of science may be as soon as tomorrow another interesting piece of puzzle of the matter will be discovered.

First let's define what we are talking about, the term "chemicals" are by far too broad. Chemicals responsible for our behavior in love and relationships belong to the class of "neurochemicals", compounds forming largely in the brain and participating in neural activity. The brain, in its turn, passes them to other parts of the body, but "in the head" it all gets started.

First attraction, first "sparks" in the air followed by falling in love are caused by combination of three neurochemicals: phenylethylamine, norepinephrine and dopamine. Later stages of long relationships are guiding by another two: oxytocin and serotonin. That's our five candidates for today. Lets take a more close look on the first three:

1. Norepinephrine, as is clear from its other name Noradrenaline, stimulates the production of adrenaline, which makes our heart race, and the palms sweat. Norepinephrine is getting released from neurons, or, simply, nerve cells in the brain, which are called noradrenergic neurons, of course.
   The noradrenergic neurons in the brain form a sort of system, which is, in its turn, called norepinephrine system, that, when activated, exerts effects on large areas of the brain [1]. By this action we can call it a neurotransmitter system, because its main function is the transmission of nerve impulse, which causes the other nerve to fire and pass the message along the "chain". The noradrenaline system consists of just 1500 neurons on each side of the brain, which is tiny compared to the total amount of more than 100 billion neurons in the brain. Nevertheless, when activated, the system plays major roles in the brain, Norepinephrine performs its actions on the target cells by binding to and activating its adrenergic receptors. The target cell expression of different types of receptors determines the ultimate cellular effect, and thus norepinephrine has different actions on different cell types. The main targets of the norepinephrine system to "ignite " are receptors in spinal cord, thalamus, phypothalamus, neocortex .etc.
   High level of norepinephrine in the brain increases the experience of joy and reduces appetite [2], ever experienced that?



2. Dopamine is a neurochemical that is getting released by the brain when we feel good, for instance, by the influence of a good food[3] or reading a fascinating book. It also makes people more "talkative" and excitable. It affects brain processes that control emotional response, movement, ability to express pleasure, but also pain.
   Dopamine is very similar in structure to the norepinephrine, and is actually its precursor [4]. What does that mean? There will be no adrenaline produced, no sweating and heart racing if the brain can not produce enough dopamine first.
   The natural sources fordopamine are proteins from such sources as meat, nuts and egg whites, they are getting broken down by the digestive system into amino acids such as l-tyrosine, a precursor to dopamine. So, if you want to be more vulnerable, a vegetarian diet is not for you.
   Dopamine is the most mysterious of these three neurochemicals. Arvid Carlsson was awarded the 2000 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicinefor showing that dopamine is not just a precursor of norepinephrine but a neurotransmitter, as well. This means that in addition to the norepinephrine system, there is also a dopamine neurotransmitter system. Briefly, dopamine makes us feel better and better by activating as many as five types of different receptors in the brain [5], which, of course, are called "dopamine receptors". Most of them are associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities.
   Sociability is also closely tied to dopamine neurotransmission. Low dopamine receptor-binding is found in people with social anxiety. Traits common to negative schizophrenia (social withdrawal, apathy,) are thought to be related to a hypodopaminergic state in certain areas of the brain. A state of becoming hypersocial, is also credited to an increase in dopamine.
   So, we can say, that dopamine has a dual role: it can act as a neuromodulator and a neurotransmitter. At the same time? Or one role is getting activated after another?
   Still a mystery. May be you will be the one to solve it?



3.  The last but not the least is phenylethylamine (PEA), acts as a releasing agent of norepinephrine and dopamine [6]. The first attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Large quantities of PEA increase both physical and emotional energy [7] and at the same time release more dopamine.
   PEA deserves a special attention because it is famous for being found in chocolate. You've probably heard that eating chocolate makes you feel good and even happy. And mostly, all sources are saying that it is because chocolate contains PEA [8].
   Now you know that it is mostly dopamine which makes us feel good from the tasty food, and as far as PEA is concerned, it's role, unfortunately, has been exaggerated. Phenethylamine from chocolate is getting rapidly metabolized by the different enzymes of gastrointestinal tract, preventing significant concentrations from reaching the brain. So, when you eat chocolate, you feel good from a sweet taste, and not the concentration of PEA in it. In fact, phenylethylamine levels are higher in cheese and sausages [9], which are not associated with chemistry of love, well, at least by now.
   Compare to the other two, PEA acts more as a neuromodulator rather than a neurotransmitter [10], [11]. While increasing the extracellular levels of dopamine, it also modulates noradrenergic transmission (as we have called the ignition of norepinephrine system). In other words, it would be fair to say, that PEA is more of a "helper" for bighting up the action of the previous two players. The mechanism for PEA "helping" is still not very clear, but most probably, when present in the brain, PEA is captured into the presynaptic vesicles and occupies the space normally taken by dopamine [12]. This leads to an increase in dopamine free-circulating, therefore enhancing dopaminergic transmission.

So, only when these three chemicals combine together, we feel the real "chemistry" of love. It is due to this combination that new lovers feel euphoric and energized and can talk days and nights long.

Euphoric and energised? That doesn't seem to be the case for you. You always seem tired and lethargic. Meeting me doesn't make you happy. If anything, you always use being tired as an excuse. I wonder why.. 

High level of norepinephrine in the brain increases the experience of joy and reduces appetite: Doesn't appear that way too. Seems like it's all lust.

That initial giddiness that comes when we're first falling in love includes a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. Researchers say this is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we're releasing. Dopamine is thought to be the "pleasure chemical," producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. According to Helen Fisher, anthropologist and well-known love researcher from Rutgers University, together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. She also says, "The human body releases the cocktail of love rapture only when certain conditions are met and ... men more readily produce it than women, because of their more visual nature."

Yep same hormones, saying the same thing.

We need to talk. But I always can't bring myself to mention this whenever we're together.

Sometimes... I feel that... you just don't like me enough..