Is Something Missing?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that there are times we all feel like something is missing from our lives.  Lately, I have felt that I have poured so much of myself into my children, work, and husband that I took a good look at myself and realized how much I've been on the back burner.

If you read this post, I hope you'll feel like you can interact with me regarding this conversation because I'm going to put myself out there a bit.

One of my issues with social media is that I get to see the best in everyone's lives and sometimes in comparison to mine, mine feels incredibly lacking.  I have been very tempted at times to cut off all social media because I don't like how I feel at times when  I see so many people being successful at so many things.

One thing about me, is that I got the short end of the talent stick.  I'm not saying that from a place of low self-confidence because I'm actually a fairly confident person.  I'm a very self-aware person, and I feel that I'm just incredibly honest with myself, and obviously with others about myself.  I feel like there isn't much in my life I'm GREAT in.  I think that's what I find missing in my life.  I'm good at certain things.  But, I'm not GREAT, and I want to find one thing and become GREAT at it.  Does this make sense?  I want to be GREAT at something for ME and not for someone else.  What do you do to find something you're GREAT at?

I LOVE photography.  I've always loved LOOKING at photography, and when I picked up a camera I realized composing photos came very easily for me.   It never once occurred to me that I could CREATE beauty and not just enjoy it from what other people did.  I stink at editing though.  Photoshop is a beast.

I'd LOVE to write a book, and DO something with that English degree of mine.  But, I get so intimidated because how in the world do I find a topic that I can write 200+ pages about.

I love to run, but I'm pokey at best.

I avoid posting pictures of myself because I hate that I haven't lost the weight after my third baby, but I'm working very hard on that.

My wardrobe stinks.  I've lost any sense of style (not that I had much) but I wish I was good at putting outfits together.  But, my kids look dang cute, and that counts for something in my book.

Maybe the reason I feel this way is because I'm putting limitations on myself--or I just don't work hard enough, or get discouraged too easily...?  Maybe it's all of the above.

What do you do if you feel this way??

Again, I'm assuming I'm not alone in this.  I don't feel this away all the time, but I'm in a rut.  What do you do that makes you so happy that you feel completely at peace with your imperfect life (let's get real--no matter how beautiful your home, children, clothes, body is--NO ONE'S life is perfect despite all the perfect images and blog posts we may post).

I really want to know--what do you feel is missing or was missing at one time or another and what did you do?

Patience

Over the past 4 months I know God couldn't be clearer in teaching me the attribute of patience.  It has been a VERY hard several months, and my stress levels have been so high I've been sick. 

First, our house was originally supposed to close December 20th, so we moved the weekend before.  That got bumped back to December 27, and then the day of, we got a phone call saying the house wasn't going to close and it got bumped back an additional 3 WEEKS!  SEVEN addendums and another mortgage payment later, we FINALLY closed on the house.  We were so surprised that the house did go through because everything that could go wrong with buyers loan did go wrong, and our 7th addendum was actually signed IN THE CAR on our way to go sign the closing docs.  I hope no one ever has to go through that when selling a home.

Secondly, we have known for over a year that another management opportunity was going to be coming up at my husband's place of employment.  The interview process is intense, and started in November. We were told we'd have an answer the week of Christmas, and when we heard news it was that they didn't have an answer and were waiting for funding for the position.  Between the house and not knowing about a promotion (which is a life changer for us on many levels) our lives were completely in limbo, and that's more than tough.

Thirdly, I received a call that my Grandfather whom I'm EXTREMELY close with and have a very special relationship with, fell and fractured his hip.  A week later, I received another phone call that he was bleeding out because his blood had gotten too thin, and we weren't sure if he was going to make it.  I was a wreck, and it was just too much to bear..or so I thought.  (He's actually doing okay now).

What I learned from all this:

First, there was an article I stumbled upon on Facebook that said that God DOES give us more than we can bear, because in our times of trial and despair we are to turn to Him so He can remove those burdens. 

Secondly, I learned to trust in Heavenly Father's plan for me, and I learned that my timing is not His timing.

Thirdly, when things get so bad, it's okay to turn to the places we need to to get help.  Whether that's medication, exercise, a listening ear, sunshine, etc. DO something.  God helps those who help themselves. 

And then lastly, even if the house hadn't gone through, and Kevin didn't get this promotion, I know we are being watched over, and that things would've gotten better.  I'm feeling very grateful and relieved that things worked out the way they did, but I know ultimately there's a bigger plan.  Patience is clearly a lesson I needed to learn, and I won't ever claim to have perfected the art of patience, but the last few months have taught me a lot about it.

Out with the old, and in with the new!

Well, the White's are packing up and moving!  My house is in disarray, boxes everywhere, everything is off the walls, and we are busy finishing up this chapter in our lives.  It's very bittersweet!  When we moved from Salt Lake to Pleasant Grove, I vowed to someday move back to Salt Lake, and now I'm vowing to try and make it back to this area.  It's interesting how life's experiences change our minds!

With that said, life feels very unsettled for me at this time, and I don't do well with that.  We originally thought we would take the next few months to figure out if we were going to buy another home or build next.  I think we've ruled out building our next home at this point because it is just SO expensive.  Maybe someday, but not for now.  We are also waiting to hear back regarding a job promotion.  If my husband doesn't get the promotion, he'll look for the best job wherever that may be.  In some ways, it's a hidden blessing that we've already sold our home because we can go anywhere at a drop of hat, and I'm not left behind trying to sell a house and pack by myself.  I honestly just don't know where life will take us within the next year.  It's exciting and scary all at the same time!

When we moved into this little home, Tasha was 8 months old.  I've brought home 2 babies to this house, and we've made some incredible memories here, and for that reason it's hard to say "goodbye."  All in all, it's been a great 3 years, and I'm thankful for our time here, and for how we have all grown.  I'm thankful for all the people who have touched our lives, and words cannot express my gratitude and love for you all!

Merry Christmas to you all, and until we meet again!

If You're Happy and You Know it, Clap Your Hands!

It's been way too long. 

So, to catch up all my many readers, (yeah right--this blog is mostly for family and for my kids to someday read when I print this out) it's time to write another riveting, and life changing post.

I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately.  I'm a pessimist by nature.  I always have been, and I'm not going to make any apologies for that.  I've always struggled with just being happy.  That said, I'm a very self-aware person (or at least I try to be), and I just want to let the people I love and care about know that I am happy--on most days. :)

I'm a dreamer too.  I know it can sometimes come across as discontentment, but I want what I want but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with what I have. 

In the past few months my life has taken a turn for the better!  It wasn't awful before, but it was HARD.  When we moved to Pleasant Grove, UT, it was a challenge.  My husband was gone 60+ hours a week, I was struggling with depression and loneliness--and I was pregnant the majority of our first 2 years while here.  And anyone who has struggled with depression, you know you can't snap your fingers and POOF! it's all better--if only it was that easy.  Sure, we all have hard days, but sometime we have hard weeks, and sometimes hard years.  I fall into that latter category.  It was so hard for me being a single parent  Monday-Friday night.  My pregnancies were physically hard and painful, and very draining.  

Now that you have the background, let me explain why I am so happy.  I believe that "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy."  If I hadn't had such a hard few years, I wouldn't recgonize the happiness I have in my life. 

I found a work from home job that allowed my husband to quit his second job and I LOVE earning a pay check.  I now feel like I'm co-parenting which is AWESOME, I feel like I actually have a relationship with my husband, and we now have time to spend together as a couple and as a family.  That has made a world of difference in my life. 

Ultimately, what I'm trying to say, is that life sometimes really does suck--and it might suck for a long time based on your circumstances, and you know what?--that's OKAY!!  Be angry, vent, feel defeated, but then at the end of the day, get down on your knees, pray, and ask for strength to overcome whatever challenges are in your life that are making you feel that way.  And when the storms pass, be thankful for the bad because it makes it so much easier to appreciate and recognize the good.  And if you need someone to vent to--you call me and I will love you through your negativity, tantrums, and tears and I will not judge you.   

We've been singing and clapping our hands a lot lately because we're happy.  I hope you will too.

My Motherhood Journey...So Far...

I know Mother's Day is around the corner and I've been thinking a lot about the roles of mother's in my life, and my role as a mother in my own children's lives. 

I have come to the conclusion that motherhood is a farily universival experience.  Being a mother has given me more confidence as a human being, and given me confidence that I didn't even know I needed. And not just confidence in who I am, but how I look.  I'm definitely not the size I want to be, but I'm not embarrassed.  I'm not ashamed of the stretch marks on my body that are the evidence of three of my greatest blessings. My boobs aren't the same (MAJOR BUMMER), my feet aren't the same, my hair is FINALLY growing back from all the hair I lost after Micah, my skin isn't the same, the list goes on.  I'm okay with it all.  Really. Sometimes.  For the most part.  Depends on the day.  Let's just say...I'm a work in progress.  :-) 

I have to give a shout out to all the mother's who have helped me mother my children.  Some I don't even know.  For example, one day when Micah was still pretty new, I was out with all three kids at a local dinosaur museum.  Corine had fallen and was screaming, I was holding Micah who had been screaming, and pushing my stroller.  A sweet mother whom I had never met came up to me asked me if she could hold Micah so I could tend to and comfort Corine.  Whoever you are, thank you.  I hope we can all step up into that role of mothering when we see another mother in need. 

And can I just be honest--I have one of "those kids" who's naughty in public, doesn't "listen" aka obey very well, throws tantrums, pulls hair, bites, pinches, hits, etc.  Thank you for not judging me on how you perceive my parenting because let me tell you, that little kid of mine does not reflect the parenting that she receives in my home.  Don't judge other mother's on how their children look or behave.  Some kids just come to this earth with some serious personality, and there's nothing you can do about it. 

Now let me pay a tribute to my mother and grandmother's.  I'm very lucky because I feel like I'm the way that I am as a mother because of some incredible women who have mothered me.  I've learned so much from them, and I hope that I can be half the mother to my children that these women were to me. 

I love that motherhood has taught me to love someone else so much more than I have ever loved myself.  I'm sure many of you mother's know exactly what I'm talking about.  At dinner, who eats last?  ME.  Who is getting up to get this or get that?  ME.  Who wears clothes that are stained from little fingerprints?  ME.  Who is a trash disposal?  ME.  Wiper of bums, wiper away of tears, wiper of noses, kisser of boo boo's?  ME, ME, ME.  It's a hard job sometimes, but I'm glad that's in my job description, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I have learned that motherhood is the most selfless act there is.  It's a role that helps me relate with women who are fifty years older than me, women who are my age, younger, etc.  I'm lucky that motherhood has opened the door for friendships that I might not have had. 

I'm grateful to be a mother.  I'm thankful for the women that have set examples for me over the years and you had no idea I was watching.  Mother's of friends, mother's of children I babysat.  I'm very lucky that I learned from the best. 

Happy early Mother's Day to you all, and if you don't have children of your own yet, keep mothering those children you come in contact with. 

Love to you all. 

"Every little thing is gonna be all right..."

Can I just say, "BRRR!!!"  This weather is ridiculously cold, smoggy, and snowy.  I. AM. NOT. A. FAN. This time every year, I always ask myself what can I do to convince my husband to move us to a warmer climate.

I'm pretty sure Bob Marley was...high inspired when he wrote the song "every little thing is gonna be all right," and I'm really glad he did write some good music.  Life has been hard lately.  I keep telling Kevin that I'm waiting for it to get easier, and between church today, and something he told me a week ago, I really do believe every little thing will be all right.  The scriptures teach us to come unto the Savior and He'll carry us.  Well, I haven't taken that to heart, and I should.  He will take our burdens and make them feel light.  That promise is literal.  Sometimes I feel like I can't keep my head above water with what is going on in my life.  Micah thinks sleeping is for babies, and completely overrated.  The weather has me down in the dumps.  We've all been sick, and getting out of the house is  joke.  Kevin's working two jobs again, and gone all the time, and blah blah blah.  It's just HARD.  I'm ready for life to be easier, so I've decided I should accept the Savior's invitation, and cast my burdens on Him because I just can't keep going the way I have been.

That said, I need to be positive, count my blessings because there really are so many.  My children are healthy for the most part, I have a husband is willing to work two jobs because he believes that it is so important that our children are with their mother, we have two cars, are roof over our head, and food to eat. So many people are really struggling right now, so I clearly need an attitude adjustment.

Anyway, I hope if there are those of you out there who are struggling, put some Bob Marley on, sing at the top of your lungs, and really believe that every little thing will be all right.  It usually is.

Much love!

Of Peace On Earth Good Will to Men

During this time of year, I know we are all a little kinder, a little more patient, a little more generous, and little more everything.  It's too bad we're not a "little more" throughout the whole year.

In light of the recent school shooting in Connecticut, my heart has broken for those families and community.  The whole country is mourning with those affected by this violence.  It must be difficult for a lot of people right now to focus on the glad tidings of this season.

That said, it's also times like these that make me think more of what this time of year is all about; it's to celebrate the birth of the Savior.  My children have a board book called "Who Is Coming to Our House?" and it's told from the perspective of the animals in the manger.  It's a very sweet story, because even of the lowliest of God's creatures prepared for Jesus' coming.  

I hope against hope that those who are despairing, lonely, or down-trodden will be reminded that this can be a joyful time of year if we turn our thoughts toward the Savior and His life.  

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow put it perfectly in his poem, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day"

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;

"For hate is strong,

And mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on the earth, good-will to men." 

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!