LONG WINDED post ahead! Brain dumping going on. Read at your own risk!

Well, it is Spring. And with Spring comes new birth, regrowth, etc. This is exactly how I am feeling these days. I have had a rough year. I say year, but it is more like 9 months. Feels long enough. I have definitely gone through some struggles this year that have made an impact on me as a person, as well as my family. I feel badly about the fact that my home and family life have had to suffer because of my struggles, but it is what it is. I can see that now. It is often hard to see your situation clearly and know the whole of it until you can look back on it, and then you understand completely. Last time I wrote I talked about the feelings I was having because of miscarrying. In and of itself it was very hard emotionally. When you want something, and plan for something then get your hopes up for something that doesn't end up happening, it is difficult to move forward and start new. It was also physically hard. It was painful, it hurt, and it was awful to go through. It wore me out. In February, we found out again that we were expecting. I had registered and was planning on attending the Shelf Reliance (now called Thrive Life) convention in Utah in March. As things went along, I started feeling hesitations about going. I just wasn't feeling like I should go, but didn't know why. I also started to worry that I was going to miscarry again. My symptoms weren't as strong as normal, and some of the tell-tale signs of pregnancy for me weren't happening. I usually develop the world's most sensitive gag reflex, and simply brushing my teeth would make me gag...but not this time. For this reason, my life became consumed with worry and fear and sadness. I didn't want to go to the doctor because I didn't want them to tell me the bad news. I waited until I was about 10 weeks, and kept hoping things would turn out in the end. But my fears were confirmed, and I once again miscarried. The first time, I accepted that these things happen to everybody, it's common, and although sad, it's life. But two times in 6 months? I crumbled. A funny thing had started to happen during this time that I consider a blessing in disguise. Others may not feel the same way, but I can see what it has done for me now. Somehow, I discovered and began watching beauty channels on YouTube. This sounds completely ridiculous when I say it out loud (or write it rather), but I think it kept my head above water. When I had lost interest in most everything else in my daily life...mostly mundane same old same old, like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking meals, cleaning the house,even reading! This was my escape. I had something to find joy in and focus on. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always loved beauty products. I am a lip product junkie and have a strange compulsion to buy and try new lip products. At any given time I can have up to 10 lip products in my purse alone. I grew up in a house with a mother who was an Image Consultant for a cosmetics company called Beauty For All Seasons. I had a whole slew of makeup items at my fingertips on a regular basis, and experimented quite often. I knew my "season", and what colors looked best on me. My Aunt and Grandmother were also involved in this company so I was surrounded. I used to work at Bath & Body Works! I LOVE that store! I also have always enjoyed reading various fashion mgazines especially when they have special issues devoted to the Best in Beauty, etc. I always made lists of products to try, and sometimes purchased some, but that was about all. I have always been a little more frugal minded when it comes to extravagant cosmetic purchases, and so my makeup stash usually consisted of a few simple basics that I used until they were gone, and then replaced. I like to say that I am going through a mid-life crisis. My current obsession is beauty products. I check out the beauty aisles in every store I am in. I am a much more frequent visitor to Sephora,Ulta, and Lush. I have more makeup now than I have probably had in my whole life combined. And yes, I can see how this could become a problem...but I am trying to be careful. I earn a little money on the side from Thrive, so I justify purchases as a treat for myself for my hard work. This month is also my birthday month, and Mother's Day, so I justified some bigger purchases for those reasons, ha ha! My whole point to this rambling is to say that this new obsession of mine has been a really great avenue for boosting my self-esteem, and helping me to remember to focus on me sometimes. Just taking the extra time to have a fun bubble bath, or use a face mask, or try a new eyeshadow combo or hairstyle, is making me feel happier with myself. For so long now I have put my well-being last. I find this is making me take time to take care of me, and while this might sound shallow to some people, it has truly been a huge blessing, and an eye opener for me. Now, if I could just develop an obsession with working out and dieting, and cleaning and organizing my house, I would be set! Baby steps though, right? ** Sorry no pictures...I need to get them off our hard drive. Hoping to keep blogging!I know I always say that.:)

A little melancholy

I have been a little blue lately. I suppose I need to document it somewhere, and this seems as good a place as any. I think my emotions are finally hitting me. I would have been 21 weeks pregnant today. I probably would be finding out around now if we were going to have a little boy or a girl. I think my emotions are creeping up about this loss because of all the pregnancy announcements I have been hearing lately...all of which would have been due around the same time as me, or shortly after. I found out we were expecting back in July when we were visiting my in-law's in Palmyra. We didn't say anything at the time so we could be sure. In August, we were in Idaho for a family reunion, and to see my nephew come home from his mission. I have never had the opportunity to announce our news when with my entire family before, so we spilled the beans a bit early just because. I was about 7 weeks along at the time. I scheduled my first OB appointment when we came home from Idaho, and went in around 9 1/2 weeks. I had a sonogram at that visit, which showed that we were going to miscarry. I opted to wait to let it run it's course on it's own. It took 2 weeks before anything happened. I was about 11 weeks by then. It was hard, it hurt, but I just made myself be tough and told myself it was for the best, that it wasn't the right time, and that things would work out. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want a lot of sympathy, and I'm sorry's. I even sorta felt a little bit embarrassed about it. We would have been due at the end of March. We never told any of Tony's family, because we were waiting for a clever way to do so...and then we found out it wasn't going to happen anyway, so we never said anything about it. I felt embarrassed and dumb to have to call my mom and tell her never mind. I usually wait to announce our news once the first trimester is up, but didn't this time and perhaps this is why I feel embarrassed about it. False alarm everyone. We are just kidding. I hated telling the kids they weren't getting a baby anymore. They were so excited. Avery really wants a baby sister. I know we are still meant to have baby #4...it will just have to wait a bit longer. Today I am mourning the loss of what could have been sooner.

Catching up

Ok, wow. You never really know how much time goes by until you see when you last wrote on your blog. 7 months???? Things even look different on blogger. I just feel like my life is on fast forward sometimes, and I can't figure out how I got to where I am, because I don't remember time passing so quickly. Lately, I feel like I have had so many thoughts in my head, and not as many people to tell them to. I guess this is where the blog comes in again. I may blabber on about random things now just to get them out of my head so I don't feel so bogged down mentally. Sadly, I find myself talking to myself a lot, just for the sake of telling someone the things in my head, ha ha! I am a wacko, I know! But I might find myself feeling a bit more sane if I can "journal" my thoughts somewhere, and the blog is as good a place as any. I don't even know fi anyone even reads this anymore, so I may be talking to myself anyway!

My Kids- Logan (8), Avery (5), and Levi (2) These little munchkins have been in my head lately. And everywhere else for that matter...I see reminders of them in every room of the house, the car, the yard, etc. They are my life. This week-end is General Conference, so I tried to make a yummy breakfast to start our Saturday off a little different than normal. As we sat around the breakfast table together, I looked around at the sweet faces of my 3 children, and my heart swelled. I sat there utterly amazed at these little humans...who did not exist on earth until Tony and I started our family. And here we are, 13 years later, with 3 little additions to us, who are part us, and part their own unique and special selves.

Here is Logan. My first. He was a sweet, good-natured little guy when he was a toddler. He was so easy, and so good, and didn't usually cause me any trouble at all. He has turned into such a thoughtful, creative, imaginative, tender-hearted, caring, smart young man. He is in 3rd grade! That's so hard for me to fathom sometimes! I totally remember when I was in 3rd grade. While most kids his age are into sports, Logan prefers using his skills to turn our front yard into his own playland. He manages to find all kinds of treasures in the garage which he then uses to build things. Ziplines, swings, forts, you name it. Sometimes I am embarrassed about the way my front yard looks. But then I don't care, because the kids are having a grand time creating memories. Logan told me he wanted a real life portal for Christmas. Not sure how we can pull that off.

I was thinking today, that I couldn't have gotten a more perfect daughter for me if I had placed a custom order from heaven for her. There is no way that I influenced her interests either. She came straight from heaven already wired with her sweet, loving personality. When I was young, I was shy around new people, and very self-conscious. Not my Avery. She started kindergarten this year. I have loved watching her interact with her classmates. She waves and smiles at everyone she sees. She gives hugs good-bye to her teachers and her friends. She holds hands with her friends as they walk along together. She even holds hands with her brother as they walk in to school together, which melts my heart! She loves to perform. She even just started taking Irish dancing, which I am so in love with it isn't funny. After watching the movie "The Luck of the Irish" on Disney, she is the one who told me she wanted to learn to dance that way. I have been on cloud 9 living vicariously through her Irish dance class. She has practiced hard this past month, and is doing so well! I love it!She loves to have girl time...painting nails, or going shopping. She is my little side-kick in all things girl and it is so much fun. Our latest adventure has been collecting Lalaloopsy dolls. I am just as much (if not more sometimes) addicted to them as she is! She is so loving, and always tells everyone she loves them and gives us hugs and kisses. She is my sweet girl!

Oh my Levi Pie. That's what I call him sometimes. He is my little buddy. This kid came to us with a strong personality. He may be little, but he sure has a BIG personality! He talks up a storm and can say pretty much everything. He is bound and determined to do things himself, and when he wants. He is a monkey too, and climbing on everything, including out of his crib. My first kid to ever do that! He sure gives us a run for our money. He has such crazy hair, that there is no point even trying to tame it. It is his signature look. I have gotten so used to his crazy, wacky hair, that I forget when I take him places and start getting comments about his hair, that most kids don't look like that! It makes him him though, for sure. He loves his big brother and big sister and will often come to their rescue when they get in trouble for things. He will defend them, so beware to anyone who tries to bother his siblings!He loves his blankies, and has now grown attached to 4, rather than the standard one. He will carry all 4 blankies bunched up in his arms...so big they almost cover his whole self. If I try to take them from him, he says " But I love them...I love my ginkies!" And milk. He will often wake up in the wee hours of the morning, come crying into our room exclaiming " Need Milk! I need milk! Daddy, do someping! I need it!" He does have his moments where he will snuggle, and I love it. I love telling him I love you, and hearing him tell me back. That's the moments mothers live for. It fills my bucket.... So, my kids have been on my mind today, so I thought I would share. Even though I slave over meals that they won't eat, ask them to do chores that are a fight to get them to do, feel like I am talking to a wall when trying to tell them anything, and seeing what messes they have made this time, I love them with all my heart, and feel so blessed to me their mom.

Still Small Voice

I am writing this post on my new Galaxy tablet. I feel pretty cool, thank you very much. I am trying to figure out all the ways I can use this thing so it isn't just a really expensive way to play games, ha ha! I am sitting outside while my kids are playing, they think they are going to build a tree house in our front yard. We'll see how that goes.

So, I started my 4th week of couch to 5k today. I am repeating week 3's training schedule though. For one, I am not ready to make the jump from running 1 1/2 minute and 3 minute intervals to 3 minute and 5 minute intervals. When I started week 3 last week, I thought I was going to die! 3 minutes was tough for me. It made me start doubting my ability to do this at all. But after running today, I could tell how much I have improved since I started. I am so glad I invested in good running shoes. They really do make so much difference! I am not worrying about how my feet feel when I am running. It's awesome. Whether I actually do the 5k now or not is another story. I just found out Avery's dance recital is on the same day. The 5k starts at 10, and she has to be at the theater at 1. Best case scenario has me done and on my way home by 11 so I have time to shower and get ready, and get Avery ready to leave by 12:45. The race is about 45 minutes away. Tough call. I am going to wait till it gets a bit closer to see what to do.

So, today I had another personal lesson on listening to the still small voice, and how my Heavenly Father is mindful of me no matter how trivial. Tuesdays are busy for me. I have play group at the church at 10:30, then I go pick Avery up at preschool at 12:00, and take her to dance at 12:30. I have to make sure I have snacks packed, diapers for Levi, any library books that need returned, Avery's dance clothes, clothes for Levi in case he is still in his pj's when we leave etc. I feel like I am running around a bit crazy before I head out the door! Today I managed to squeeze in my run before I left, so when I was getting ready I happened to notice Tony's church keys sitting on the nightstand, which made me remember that I had put my own church keys in my church bag on Sunday and needed to remember to get them before I left for playgroup so I could open the church and get the toys out. I would have totally forgotten about them if I had not seen Tony's keys, since they are normally in my purse! After I had everything loaded in the car to go, including Levi, I had a feeling I should put my new jumper cables in my car. I had Tony's jumper cables in my van until just recently and gave them back, but hadn't put my own in my car yet. I also just purchased from Shelf Reliance something that you just plug in to the lighter in the car and it will charge your battery in like 10 minutes. That was in my messy basement and I didn't want to try to find it so I just grabbed my regular ones and away I went. After Avery's dance class, I was getting ready to hurry home and put Levi down for a nap when I had a feeling I should check to see if it was early release today. Sure enough, it was, so I went straight to the school to pick up Logan, about 25 minutes early. I had the car off, but on enough for the kids to watch a movie. After about 15 minutes my battery went dead. In the middle of the carpool lane. I knew then why I had felt the prompting to get the jumper cables. And even though I got it jumped by a teacher at the school, I might have saved all the hassle if I could have self charged it with my new thing!

I felt like I had to document these things today. Three simple promptings or "helpful reminders" about simple things, saved me a lot of unnecessary trouble today! It doesn't always have to be a serious life altering event for the guidance of the Spirit to come into play. The fact that I have the constant gift of the Holy Ghost allows me to have His help and guidance always. I know the more I listen to these smaller promptings the easier it will be for me to listen when it might be more important. I am so grateful for that!

A new goal

My last post, I talked about a goal I had set and was trying to work towards. I am sad to say I missed it by a measly 5 points. I am very bummed about that. But, I really did my best, and worked really hard to reach it, and I am proud of what I accomplished. I just won't think about the fact that one more Q customer, or one more consultant would have sealed the deal for me. So, instead of being in the top 30, I was probably #31. I am not sure what is worse...to lose something by a long shot, or to miss it by a hair.Anyway...

I liked having something to work towards. It gave me a sense of purpose, and it made me proud of my milestones. I felt like I could actually see the efforts of my hard work, and that was a great feeling.So, I have decided to set a new goal.I am totally stepping out of my comfort zone with this one, but my inner self feels the urge to do it, so I am going to listen.

I am going to start training for a 5K. Now, this is really crazy for me. I don't run. I am not a runner. I don't like running. I don't like high impact exercise. BUT, I know that it is a great way to get an overall body workout. It's also a great exercise that you can do anywhere without a gym membership, or equipment of any kind. I do have a treadmill, and I will probably start out using it at first, and then aim to start running outside after a while.

I have just under 11 weeks to train for this 5K. It is the Temple Run, which is by the new Kansas City LDS temple. They started this run last year, so this is the second year. It is free, which makes it even better for me. I am going to use the Couch to 5K program to help me. I went and got fitted for running shoes yesterday, and am just trying to decide what to do about purchasing some. I felt the best with the Brooks Adrenaline GTS 12, but they are $110. I was looking to spend closer to $75. Because I am not sure how well I will stick with this, I feel hesitant to spend so much money on a pair of shoes I might not use a lot. I looked online and found last year's model, the GTS 11 for $60. So my dilemma is, order the more affordable shoes, and risk having them not fit me as well, or splurge on the new ones and hope it keeps me motivated to get use out of them? I have been having some funny foot pain lately, so I really want to be sure the shoes I get feel the best for me, and help me to keep running comfortably.

Any runners out there? Any advice for me? I have tried this Couch to 5K in the past, and can't seem to make it past the 2nd or 3rd week. I want to really stick with it this time, and am hoping to make the 5K an actual goal and incentive to work for.

Shelf Reliance

Almost 18 months ago, I became an Independent Consultant for Shelf Reliance. When I signed up, Levi was only 3 months old. I went into it more to help my own family be prepared, and the desire I had to help others learn how to be prepared as well.

I wasn't able to attend convention last year since Levi was so little, but I am planning on going this year, and I can't wait! It is in SLC in April.

As a mother, I often feel like a failure. My kids won't eat what I make for dinner. They get mad at me for making them practice the piano, or clean up their room. I feel like I can't ever stay on top of things in my "domain", like dishes, laundry, or even getting a shower in on a fairly regular basis. With Shelf Reliance, I love that I can feel like somewhat of a success when I can accomplish something.If I have a good party, or when I see my paycheck for the month, it makes me feel like I am somewhat successful!

Shelf Reliance has had a contest going to help Consultants earn their way to convention. If you earn so many points, you get your registration for free, your hotel stay for free and even airfare! Up until the beginning of this month I was in the top 30 which was earning all those things for free! I was so excited! But then I started to fall behind, and only have one week left of the contest, and I want so badly to reach my goal of earning my airfare for free! There are a few things I need to do to earn points.

I can earn points for every customer that sets up a $100/month Q, and I earn points for every new Consultant that joins my team. If anyone reading this post has any interest or desire to do any of these things, I would greatly appreciate it if you signed up for those things before Feb. 28th! The Q is an awesome program to help people build up their own Home Store on a monthly basis. There is a 3 month commitment, but after that you can stop it, pause it, or change your budget any time you wish! It has made my life so much easier, that I know it will help yours too!

You can go to my website at http://kerryblack.shelfreliance.com and click on the Join my Team tab, to sign up as a consultant. Or you can click on the Q tab, to set up your THRIVE Q. If you have any questions, or want me to send you some more information, please email me, or leave me a comment and I can reply!

I really would love having any of you sign up as a consultant and join my team, so we can do this together! It is so fun!

You just know

I remember when I was young, and dreaming of the day I would find the man of my dreams, and I wondered how on earth I would know he was the one? I remember asking older people I knew who had married, or friends in college who were getting married and asked them that very question. How did you know he was the one? And the answer I HATED getting was that they "just knew". Now what the heck kind of answer is that??? How on earth would that help me?

When I met Tony, we were on the same folk dance back-up team. We were friends for two years before anything progressed from friendship into something more. And I remember the obvious, kind of "duh" moment I had when I knew he was the one. It wasn't dramatic, or explosive, or anything like that. It was just a peaceful, calm, completely positive, no doubt about it feeling I had. I know when choosing your life/eternal companion, it is a very BIG decision, and one you don't want to take lightly. I know so many people who have to pray about it, and even fast, to be sure their choice is the right one. I remember thinking maybe I should do that too. To be sure.But it was almost like I felt silly to ask something like that, when I already knew the answer so clearly. So, of course when this happened to me, the answer of "I just knew" made complete and perfect sense to me.

Now, on a different note, but one related to this story, I challenged myself at the end of last year to read the Book of Mormon in it's entirety beginning Sep. 1 and ending on Dec. 31 2011. I started it and was doing well, and then fell off the wagon for almost a month.Yikes!I ended up being quite a bit behind my reading schedule. So, when I finally got myself back into gear to accomplish my goal, I had a lot of catching up to do! I had to read like 6 chapters a day to catch up. Well, I did it. And I loved it. And the whole time I read, I was anxious to get to the end of Moroni where he states his promise in chapter 10 verses 2-5.

2 And I seal up these records, after I have spoken a few words by way of exhortation unto you.

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts


4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

I kept thinking about that as I read, but a funny thing happened. As I read each day, I knew that was I reading was true. I "just knew". Every day during my reading, I would have powerful feelings that were testifying to me continually that what I was reading was true. It was peaceful, calm, completely positive, and I had no doubt.
So when I got to the end on December 30th, I didn't feel the need to kneel down and ask God if what I had read was true, because I already knew.

A friend of mine from the Folk Dance team recently posted her profile on mormon.org She talked of her testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. As I read her words, I got so excited, because she described my own experience exactly!! This is what she said:

I felt as I read each page something inside of me shouting out, "It's True! It's True!" When I got to the end of the book where the ancient prophet Moroni exhorts the reader to pray and find out for himself the truth of it, I took up the challenge. Here was the feeling I had as I prayed, "Haven't I been telling you all along?" Yes. I knew it was true. I had known it at every turn of the page.

We all have different ways of feeling when the Holy Spirit speaks to us, confirming things to be true. I have read the Book of Mormon from start to finish only a handful of times in my life. But the first real testimony of it's truthfulness I gained while reading the Book of Mormon in 17 days, while participating in the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I was 21, and it was the summer of 1998.

Here it is, 13 years later, and I once again wanted to gain that witness that I first had in 1998. This time it was so much clearer and I didn't need anything else going on around me to convince me of the amazing power and knowledge and truth in it's pages. I "just knew".