Hello, I'm From The Future

 Hello,

I am from from the future. I am married with a kid. Yes, I now have a little fabulous family with the man of my dream. Yes, the one whom I was head over heels with in silent, then I had him as my future husband and now I come home everyday to him. My son on the other hand, is a chirpy and chatty sweet, stern, spirited, smart being. He will turn two next month. I am a mother I have always wanted to be, except when I was swooned in the first few honeymoon years when a child was the last thing I wanted in my life. But now my life is all about him, except when I have to leave him and go to work. Yes, I have a somewhat stable job. After a few years of trying, finally. It's not what I believed was my passion and life mission, but it's something I had thought about and imagined would be nice to work as, if I ever worked. So as somebody whose first choice is not working, that is already good enough. I guess in a way, it worked out.

Life so far in the future, has worked out.

Oh, it is year 2022 by the way.

To the Ama writing in the past, thank you for writing. Keep doing that. I am now at the office, having flashbacks from a few posts I revisited. I made the effort to log into this account after years of not doing so, because I listened to High School in Jakarta. Mine was in Kuala Lumpur, but I guess anyone anywhere in the world could relate to that. One post down the memory lane turned to a few, and wow, what a modern Sparta I had myself. Thank you for writing all that for me to come back to.

I hope you'd do that till today.

Till then.

Hi so I've been thinking

Whether to change the blog url, or to change to a new blog completely, and make this blog private. I have been thinking about this for a while now (months? years?) but I am indecisive, hence no action taken. Also, because I love this blog, I really do. It's just not what it was anymore, like I'm not who I was anymore, and that is something I needed to come to terms with. I have again and again tried to revive it, and myself, but it was never the same. Maybe something fresh would help, as this phase has been going on for a little too long now. It is a hard decision. Whatever will be I might make tutttutt private, for a while or forever.

So if somebody is still reading (hello.....) this is a really good time to show yourselves before this blog dissapears! Tsk. Who knows I might keep you in the loop. Or else, this could be a clean break or a complete start over.


Am fine,
Ama.
(oh, I just realized this blog will turn ten years next year...)

Just gotta want it

Your desire for success must be greater than your fear of failure. I know that, I always have. because that's what made me succeed. i knew that even before i learnt about the internet quote. of course you've gotta want the good things more than you don't want the bad things. that's when miracles happen. You can make anything happen if you put your mind to it. If you want it that much. there's only one thing though. It's like I don't want it enough now. Because if i really want it, i'll make it. But apparently i don't.

It Wasn't Gone For Good

Halu. It's been a while since i've been here. Which is good, in a context, now. A long time ago not appearing on my blog would have been a bad thing, but now it isn't anymore. It showed that i had it good. While i was away i noticed it too, that i didn't have those feelings and thoughts, that i didn't have to blog. I guess it had something to do with me being busy watching LOST again, sitting for exams, and expecting some guests all in one month. I even started working out again, of course to not be fat and to get fit, but also because i was counting on the feel good neurochemicals. And to be in control, to have the impression that i could push myself even though i was exhausted and screaming to stop, that i could do one thing right. It kinda worked, i guess. Then this month i was preoccupied by NEXT17, so that was good too. I stopped working out for two weeks, but i swore i would pick it up again. Maybe i should pick it up now. NEXT17 ended two days ago. Apart from my dissertation, i have nothing else to occupy my mind. And tbh, i am not at the desperado point even though i have 3 weeks to submit my dissertation. Maybe after i'm done with this post. I have all the time in the world now, today, this one day. And all that time today was enough to pull me back into that hole again. I have time now. Time to think. To think about those thoughts. To feel those things. What made me so down and low. They haven't visited in a month or two, and now they're back. And i dont know what to do with myself. I know i have to face them, i have to deal with them, i have to solve them in a constructive way. I know i shouldn't and can't escape anymore. My time for distraction and escapism is out. Time to get it over with by doing what is needed. Time to admit and talk about it to somebody. I know. But i would rather run away. Wouldn't you?

Today I Wonder

When i do, or don't do things, in a manner of self-sabotaging, is it because i don't love myself enough, or because i don't hate myself enough to change? What does it take to completely self-hate, to get better? Does it have to come to that point? I just want to deserve good things, but i just can't bring myself to it.

The train is keeping track

If a week goes by without me having to blink back tears over how unachieved and useless i feel, that week is a success. How has life come to this point? That i have to keep track of how many times i have had these episodes in a period, that i have to check when was the last time i told somebody about this so i can put a long enough gap for my next shared breakdown session. But of course they don't have to know about the breakdown and blinking back tears part. Actually, when i have to stop myself from telling anybody about it, i start writing it here. And it helps. Now i'm back to blogging for the same reason why i started 8 years ago - because i need to let it out. I know this is a public blog, i know this will be read, but i don't care. I'm blogging on my phone now, so it feels simpler and safer, like tumblr. If i were to lash out my emotions like i have done in the past few posts on my computer, i would not have even started typing. Because it reminds me how open and vulnerable i am being on this platform, and this platform ain't private. But i want to write about it here. I want to keep track of how i am feeling and how i am living my life and how, if, it changes. I want to look back and see a week, and then a month, and then a year, went by without me not writing about these episodes at all. Of course i don't blog everytime i have it, perhaps because it is all the time, stirred and at times, triggered. But this track would be enough a record of how one day i will get passed this time and get past this all.

Tell yourself that everyday, maybe you'll be okay

I'm being super superficial lately, and i hate it. Sometimes i don't feel good about myself. It used to be i didn't feel good because i judged myself in term of the quality of life i was living and will live, but now it's that AND the quantity of compliments on my look lol. I was a school girl who knew that my friends were pretty and get all the attention and i was fine with it. It's like i accepted i was the lesser one and it made me sad but i was okay. I was never jealous. Or that maybe those kids just couldn't see that i was special and one day someone will come along and appreciate it. I thought that i wouldn't want to be liked for how i looked, at least if they liked me it was because i had substance. i was kinda proud being me even if i was not bombarded wih superficial comments, the very ones that make me question how people value me today. But back then, it was never a concern because i knew just how petty all that was. Now, knowing is not enough. After school i had this phase during which people thought i was worthy of attention at all, but i didn't want their attention. Now, i'm back to feeling lesser compared to my normal human friends, not even celebrities or instafamous whom i have no idea how they got famous in the first place and i think that's ridiculous hence i'm not gonna contribute to the trend and growing fan base. Anyway, I feel lesser, and its worse this time as i lost that self-confidence and i care about what being lesser. But i know if i were to make this statement out loud some would say i was seeking for attention or they would see that i was too bloody insecure. The latter is true. But i don't want them to see me being this pathetic. That knowledge means that i know i am not ugly and i am thankful for how i look, nonetheless i can't shake off the negativity. Now I have the only attention i want and the only one who matters, but oddly i don't find that enough. Maybe because that person is not myself. I can't see myself that way. I'm trying to love myself everyday, trying harder than ever now, when i can feel loved by another without even trying. That's really weird how things take this turn. When i was alone and lonely i didn't feel like this. Goes to show that the number one in your life is you. If you can't change how you feel about yourself, that sucky self-judgement will always find a way to creep in. So change what you need to be at peace with who you are again. Or try to be more accepting. Now, i'm gonna tell myself that i am the lesser girl and not pretend to be something i'm not, so i can have that peace i had when i was in school. Just accept it, and move on. Live and love.