A doozy!!!

My little girl turned 4!!! I seriously can't believe she is getting so big! I love her so much. Here are a few things I want to remember:

She loves to dance

she makes us say "ladies and gentlemen welcome to our show, up next we have Ashlynn!!" or princess or kitty or pumpkin or ballerina, just whoever she feels like being:) Then she prances in.

She pretends to be a cat a lot

Palace pets are her fav right now

She loves her school

Has Excellent coloring skills

She loves to help in the kitchen

Losing is not an option

She lives in a musical

She cried for forever when I told her she was not the boss

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                  I love that we have been able to live near my family! I loved being able to see my cousins a lot growing up, so I hope to be able to do that for my kids as well.

We are officially fostering!

THIS is the big change in our lives!

We decided to take placement of a little boy. He is the sweetest baby and brings so much joy to our home. I love him so much! It has been a really hard transition going to the newborn stage all over again in the blink of an eye. And really the hard part is that we are not for sure going to be able to keep him or not. We really struggle with that because we want to be able to adopt and obviously the quicker the better. But, with fostering it is a time game and you have to wait it out to see if it will work out. I hope it does.

                                          Our first sleep over with the new baby:)

***Update, since I started this post almost 4 months ago and never finished, I will now:) Even though I really wish I would have been better at writing more often when everything was happening 

We had the baby for about a month when we decided to bring in 2 more, I know crazy! But we met these 2 kids and just felt we should bring them home. They are half brother and sister, not related to the baby. They were with us for 2 months and then reunited with their mom. 

It was the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have ever done. But, I would do it again. I love them and miss them soooo much.

I think I had an emotional break down at least once a day for the first couple of weeks. We went from a four year old to a newborn to a four year old, three year old, 22 months and 2 months old in a matter of days!! And it is rough at first because they do not know you and you do not know anything about them, what they eat how they like to sleep, what their environment was like before or anything. 

As time goes on it got better and harder. We got into a bit of a routine and that helped. But, nothing could have prepared me for the visits we had to do with their mom twice a week and then they added a third visit on Saturday with the older siblings. That.was.hard. They were crying, I was crying and just thinking I don't know if I can do this. I am not strong enough to do this. 

The only thing that kept me going was them. I couldn't deal with the thought of them being anywhere else and having another disruption. But visit days were hard days for everyone. We were always exhausted and emotionally on edge and drained. Ashlynn struggled with it a lot. There were times she would act out and be very upset that we came back.

Honestly, I think the hardest part at home was seeing the struggle she had with the change. FOr the first time she has had to compete for our time and her space. There were lots of times where she loved it and was excited to have others to be with and there were times she really just didn't. And everyone said that its good for her, and I agree, but at the moment I wondered just how good it was. Because there were so many times I would get so upset at her and I felt like I had lost MY little girl and she wasn't able to do the things I loved about her. I struggled with that A LOT.

But, I miss them. A lot. And Ashlynn has said she does too, haha. It took her a little longer to admit it:) I miss the chaos and the extra hugs and kisses and their little personalities. They have my heart for sure!! 

 

                                                     
                                                     They really did love each other:)

I took a pic of this because it shows how good I was at managing my time with 4 kids. I had bought these right before we got the kids and probably ended up throwing them away after tearing the growth off a couple of times thinking I would get around to it. But lets admit, I was in pure survival mode the first few weeks, haha!!

                                                   
                                                            Ashlynn's 4th birthday party!

                                                               LOVE these people!!

Well, I really didn't get to cover as much as I originally wanted and its kind of vague, but better than nothing. I think if I had made a post each week I would have been getting some calls and visits from very concerned people thinking I was losing it, haha! Because I felt like I was. My emotions were all over the place and would change in seconds. I have met some amazing people that foster because of it though! And it helped a lot to hear their story and that they had similar experiences. I felt better that I wasn't the only one going through this feeling very inadequate to do it and guilty for wanting to quit. It is such a roller coaster to foster, especially when wanting to adopt. It is all for those sweet kids though. They deserve a loving home, even just for a short time. Unfortunately, since getting involved in this, I see how terrible the system is. It is sad really, because it is affecting the children involved and that's really who should be the focus. But its not. Its frustrating and maddening the situations I hear of all the time. Come on.


But, I am grateful to have the opportunity to be a part of the foster community now. They are amazing!  I am hopeful that it will workout for us and bless our lives. Ashlynn talks about getting her sister everyday, so maybe a sister will come for her, lol. Thank you for everyone's support and help. Especially my family. I couldn't do it without my mom babysitting so I could go to visits 4 days a week. And my friends who offered help and brought treats and meals. I am blessed!!


**I want to make sure my blog posts with foster kids stay private. I do not want anyone to share these with the people involved. I don't think it will, but just in case. I don't want to get in trouble for posting pics or any information. I can not give a lot of info for privacy reasons. so if you want to know something e-mail me.

Parties and stuff

Once again I am way behind on my blogging!! I think about posting all the time but just can't ever seem to find a good time. Usually it has to be late at night and then i just want to go to bed instead. And the longer I wait the more I feel I have to catch up on and ain't nobody got time for that!!

I really just want to document things that are said or done for memories sake. Because one thing I know for sure is I am going to miss hearing my little girl's sweet voice and being able to kiss on those cheeks!!! I mean seriously...

We made a couple of trips to Cali to visit Adam's Family and go to our nieces birthday and that was a lot of fun. They had a super hero theme:)

 We had a lot of fun! Adam enjoyed staying in character all day and Ashlynn thought his Bat Dad voice was hilarious. And all she wanted to be was a ninja turtle princess, haha! She loves it all...ninja turtles, princesses, racing, pretending, singing, dancing, saying poop and bum bum, you name it!

           

One thing we love is to have dad at church with us. He is always on the go on Sunday and tries to make it to our ward when he can, but being on the high council keeps you very busy everywhere else! One day she will understand why he is rarely with us:)  But, I am proud of Adam for really trying to fulfill his calling and he really does love it. We have a great stake and we have enjoyed getting to know the stake leaders. They are great examples to us. The Presidents wife mentioned once that she has been a church widow for 15 years or something crazy and even though it was hard it was a great blessing. It was a wonderful reminder to me of how important it is to not complain everytime Adam is choosing to fulfill his calling and can't sit by us every sunday. It really is a blessing to have that opportunity to serve and learn and grow. I only hope that I can be strong enough to be a church widow as well. I'd rather it be me than him I guess!

 

    We do not go ONE day without someone being a puppy or kitty!! haha! Ashlynn LOVES it if someone is willing to play that with her! She will pet you and kiss you and laugh and ask if you want a treat thrown to you. She thought it was great when grandpa was her puppy;)

    Christmas was a lot of fun this year. Ashlynn was loving every moment of decorating and baking and shopping and especially the music every day (starting in November of course...haha).

 We had an ugly sweater party which was a BLAST!! Its fun to have a crazy bunch of friends that we can hang out with!

Adam took a whole WEEK off of work for Christmas AND had no school that week, so we were extremely excited to get to hang out and do whatever the crap we wanted!!:)  Of course, first thing on Adam's list was a nap....haha...poor guy. So sleep deprived. But, I didn't mind the down time. It didn't last long enough. The whole month of December was jammed packed with things to do. But, a lot of fun things!

                       One thing my mom started was a red and green day. Everyone picked a color for teams and we were all green! Then we come up with different games or competitions to compete with the red and green teams. It is so much fun! This year there was an egg toss, whipped topping tower, helium balloon voice off, and our game of HA HO HE! Our game is where you sit in a circle and take turns saying ha ho he without laughing. If you laugh you are out. And my brother in law pretty much wiped us all out by getting in your face and saying it! Ashlynn was the only one left bc it scared her instead of making her laugh...haha! So she lasted a few extra rounds for our team!

      Gingerbread houses with my nephews! Ashlynn would have gotten most decorated. Jaxen would have gotten sturdiest (it caved in once and he decided that won't be happening again!). And Caden would have gotten eaten first!

Christmas at home! It was nice because Ashlynn is still young enough to just sleep in and not wake up at 3 am like we used to! We didn't have much really. I didn't want to give her too much but it does make for a very short Christmas with only a few presents, so I think that was a disappointment to her. Hopefully it will be our last Christmas that is this empty.

Best present was probably that ride on horse that I found on a yard sale site for 5 bucks!! bam! She loves it.

                                                                             This was the only picture I got for some reason when we had our good friends the Charles's come and visit! It is so great that we have been able to see them so much and it is always a joy to see them!!

My handsome hubby taking her on a little run. She just wants to run all. the. time.!!! SO happy that he wants to do these things.

      what I really want to do is take a picture everytime she is crying about who knows what and put a caption on it, so we can document all the crazy things she cries about! And the struggle is real people! This time it was because we went to a babptism for a little girl in our ward, who loves Ashlynn. But, she was so upset at the end that it wasn't HER baptism and SHE wanted to get baptized and get the baptism gift (I presented the gift to the girl from the primary)...hahaha! Oh girls. SO much DRAMA!!

                                                                 LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!!
                                                           

NOW that I have gotten a quick review of things done I can do an update on a little more of  the rest of our life. I really do want to make this more frequent so I can get some more specifics in there as far as quotes and things by the family. I'll keep trying:)

Anyway, I have been wanting to keep up on my updates on our journey to grow our family as well. I can't remember what I even said in my last post, but I remember mentioning getting an IUI done and it didn't take. Which was pretty devastating. I had told myself that it probably wouldn't happen the first time, but I had really hoped it would. The process takes so much time and money! It was hard to even think to have to do it again. We finally decided to maybe try again but I was still having a hard time dealing with it all and not having my cycle schedule match up with the doctosrs and getting different things all the time from the nurse, like finding out things that probably should have happende the first time but didn't because of miscommunication. There are just so many factors that go into it and it is extremely stressful and EXHAUSTING!! And this is just an IUI! 

Well, I decide I just can't deal with it and take some time off. And if one more person tells me I need to just relax and it will happen or stop thinking about it I will knock someone out, then I might feel relaxed! No, I won't do that! hopefully. you never know. I honestly don't feel I stress about it too much. I am let down every month but I don't think that is the reason for not getting pregnant for YEARS.

Then, I am feeling like we need to just get started on the process of fostering to adopt. We figured we need to pretty much do anything we feel we can to grow our family. I have always thought of adoption but it is very expensive. This way is WAY less expensive but possibly more straining. But, we figured if we can get started to adopt great and if we get pregnant, great! We are extremely close to getting our license so hopefully we can find a placement soon that could work out long term for adoption. 

We had to take a class to prepare for this for 10 weeks. It was every Monday night for a couple of months and I am so grateful that I was able to have my mom babysit most of the time. The classes were good but very hard. It gives you a glimpse into that world and your heart goes out to the kids involved in all of these situations. It wasn't there choice and it is sad. It also made it very scary hearing all the issues and stories of foster and adoptive families. 

I am extremely excited for what the future can hold but I am also extremely nervous and so scared!! I am scared that I am going to end up falling in love with a child and have to give them back. I am scared of having to meet with the birth parents every week and review their progress

because it is the states goal to reunite first. I am scared of the impact it will all have on my family, especially my daughter. I am scared she won't like the change or that she will feel neglected or replaced. I am scared that I am not strong enough to handle it.

There is nothing wrong with only having one child. I don't think anyone should feel bad for the size of their family. Some choose it and some don't. I never would have imagined myself at the place I am now. But, I do have to look at it as a challenge in life to strengthen me and make me better. 

Its not easy having an only child. Especially when you yearn for more. It is difficult to not have your only child be labeled with the only child syndrome. I mean, They are the only ones. They have no one to be made to share with all day. They have mom and dads attention a lot. They are the only ones for mom and dad to think of and take care of, so yes they are being spoiled! And it would be easier to just be done with one and feel good about that because even just one child fills your heart and soul with love and joy. 

I do wish we had at least one thing that was on the easier route right now! It feels like nothing is. 

But, I want Ashlynn to have siblings! And it is hard to see her want that so bad too. 

At this point all we can do is hope and pray that we do the right things and that as long as we are trying that the Lord will make up the difference and lead us where we need to be and make the choices that are best for us.