Because I'm not the same person I was in high school

I'm so excited to see my best friends today!  My friend Natalie is coming in from Vermont and Britney and Nicole and I are all going to meet her at Thanksgiving Point for lunch.  Being with my friends is totally awesome.  It's good to be with people who don't judge and love you dispite your flaws.  Conversation is easy and smiling is constant.  We practically grew up together (yes, I consider high school and college the growing up years) and we have done a great job of staying in touch. 

I find myself becoming the best of myself but I've also noticed that I also become the worst of the self at the same time.  Allow me to explain.  The past few years of my life, I have spent trying to better myself.  Be kind and friendly and not say mean or negative things, especially about other people.  When I get with my friends, part of me reverts back to my high school self.  I'm more spontanious and less responsible.  I feel more relaxed and but I also say whatever comes into my head.   My friends see this as a positive in me but sometimes I don't like it about myself.  I can be witty but I can also be pretty ruthless when I'm trying to be funny.  Maybe I'm still trying to impress my friends the same way my insercure high school self would. 

My sisters Kim and Shannon are very good examples of being loving and non judgemental.  I never realize how mean I am about other people and even myself until I am with them.  I will make a coment like "Oh man, I'm so stupid, I just did the dumbest thing!"  I don't really think I'm really stupid but it stops me short when Shannon says "Be nice, you are not!"  Why do I think it's okay to be mean to myself??  I wouldn't let someone say that about my friend so why would I say it about myself?  Or I will make a comment about someone's shirt that I find distaful for whatever reason and make a comment about it and Kim will defend them and say something about free choice and I'm sure they are a very nice person.  Kim has always been my role model but when did my little sister get to be so kind?  I want to be more like that and only think and say kind things. To always look for the good in people and always give the benefit of the doubt.  No matter how someone treated me in high school, the grocery store, at work, ect...

Today, I want to just be the best version of me.  Still fun and carefree but I want to reign in my insecure self.  I love the postive influences in my life and I hope I can be a force for good.  Wish me luck!

Senior Dinner Dance

Life Lately

Well, I have done some other things in life besides just being sad! This time of year is hard though because it's Eric's busy season at work. When I'm home, he's asleep so I was getting a little lonely.  I've been hanging out with one of my best friends, Brittany Herd and her little Kamden so that has been nice. 
I also bought a lot of books with my birthday gift cards to Barnes and Noble so I've been making my way through those.  I read Edenbrooke twice.  I finished it and started over again immediately.  Yeah, it was THAT good.  (Thanks to Kim for that one!)
This weekend Brit, Mandy (Brit's cousin) and I went to Cornbelly's with our kids.  It was pretty awesome!  It has changed a lot since I last went 6 years ago!  We jumped on the giant pillow, climbed in the wooden ships, trucks and the hay pyramid.  Went in bounce houses, obsticle courses and the giant slide.  They pretty much wore us out!  I still want to go back and go through the corn maze with Eric.  Maybe it will still be open in November after his busy season. 
I also went to Shannon's bridal shower her soon to be in-laws threw for her in Layton.  It was fun to meet Matt's family and they are really great! 
Yesterday my entire family (except Eric because he had to work :( ) went up Millcreek Canyon to shake quakies.  Most the the aspen trees had already lost their leaves because of the drought this year but we still had fun.  This is a tradition we do every year on Conference Sunday that started with my grandma when my mom was little.  We walk around and eat dounts and cookies and have cider and hot cocoa.   This year was especially cold!  You will see a picture of Mabel hudled with cousin Hailey trying to keep warm.  The poor thing was shivering and she had 3 layers on with a down coat! 
Way back in August, we went to San Francisco with Eric's sister Jenn and her huband Lance and their little 6 month old, Lily.  That was sure an adventure!  It really is an amazing city!  We went to Giants baseball game, Alcatraz, Ghirdelli Square and a French resturant for a fancy dinner.  I'm pretty sure that resturant was the highlight of the trip for me but I loved everything.  We got pretty good at public transportation. Vacations with children are just not the same as before but I think Mabel had fun doing something else.  Someday when I'm rich (HA) I want to go back with just Eric and stay down town.  I have pictures of the trip in Instagram but I can't figure it out on here so add me on Instagram. I'm mabelsmom2010. 
This weekend, Kim and I are throwing a bridal shower and it's her son Logan's baptism that same day.  I'm also going to meet my friend Kalli at Gardner Villiage on Wednesday. I'm so excited to see her baby Blake!  It should be a good week but I do need to fold some laundry. 
Happy Autunm everyone!

Hailey and Mabel snuggeling

 

Grocery Shopping



Shannon and Matt keepin' warm

Rice, Beans and Crazy Hair

Lost for now

*some of this is a little graphic

Most of you know that Eric and I were expecting our second child in April and a few less of you know that we lost the baby this past week.  I thought it might be easier if I let people read about it here instead of telling the story a million times so I don't burst into tears every time.

First let me start off by saying I did not ever expect to have a miscarriage.  I didn't even know of any body that had miscarried so it just wasn't even on my radar.  I am healthy, we already have a child and I was sicker than a dog (which people say is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.) 

Things started to go down hill on our last two days of our trip to San Fransisco.  (I plan on blogging about that later.)  I got really really sick on Sunday and I couldn't keep anything down for a while.  On Thursday I developed a fever and read online how that can endanger a pregnancy in the first trimester.  Of course I freaked out and called Eric.  He left work early and took me to the ER. 

They gave me fluids and some stronger meds (I had Zofran from the day before that weren't doing a thing) and they took my blood and ran some tests.  They said that I did have a virus but because I didn't have any lower abdominal pain that the baby was probably just fine.  I relaxed and went home and started to recover.

Then on Labor Day I was at Eric's grandparents and had some slight spotting.  I freaked out even though I knew that lots of women spot and it might not mean anything.  Then that night I started cramping.  At that point I knew I didn't have a big chance of carrying this baby.  I went to see my doctor for an ultrasound on Tuesday morning. 

Dr. McCarter did his best to find a heart beat and I'm sure he looked longer than was necessary but it just wasn't there.  We did get to see him on the screen and he had a head, arms, and legs.  I wanted him.   I didn't know miscarriage really felt like losing a baby.   But it does.  I'm so grateful I had Eric with me.  He had his hand on my head, and even though he wasn't giving me a blessing, I felt his priesthood power comforting me.  Dr. McCarter let me know that losing the baby was in no way my fault.  It couldn't have been prevented and my sickness the week before probably didn't even effect it.  It was comforting to know at least I couldn't blame myself because that was my first reaction. 

The Dr gave us some time to regain our composure and then came back to give me some options.  I could go through with natural miscarriage and he could give me some pain meds, or I could do D&C and they would clean me out.  The idea of vacuuming out my baby made me want to hurl (that is not to judge anyone who has gone that route.  Emotionally it can be a lot easier than waiting for your body to recognize that the baby has died.  It's probably easier physically too, I found out.) 

I might have more seriously considered that option if I had known how incredibly painful it is to go through a miscarriage.  I've been told it is similar to labor because your body is getting ready to push out a baby.  I had very painful and intense contractions for two hours on Wednesday about every 30 seconds.  Those pain meds barely took the edge off.  I didn't realize they were contractions so it took me a while to figure out that I needed to try to relax and breath through them.  That helped.  I delivered what I think was the baby that day and Thursday I was still having contractions that I had to breath through.  I delivered the placenta on Friday morning and I've been just fine since except for minor cramping similar to a very heavy menstrual cycle.

Emotionally, I think I'm pretty much back to normal except when I think or talk about it too much.  I know I will get to raise that baby some day I'm grateful for the experience for a few reasons. The first was that it brought Eric and I closer together as we leaned on each other for support.  I also know how loved we are by family and friends from all the help and support we received.  We received meals, plants, flowers, service, baby sitting, hugs, phone calls and love from so many people and we feel truly blessed that have such a great support.  I'm also so grateful that we were married in the Temple and that families are forever.  I appreciate Mabel more than ever and I look forward to expanding our family in the future.

Anyway, thank you to everyone that has been there for us.  We truly love you and I hope to be able to serve all of you.

Love Katie 

The Next Inning

 

The above picture is of my bountiful basket that I ordered on Monday and picked up this morning.  It was $15 and I think it was totally worth it.  Although, I have no idea what to do with the two artichokes...  I'm excited thinking about all the things I can make with it.  I'm determined to  use it all.  We'll see how that goes.

I've been reading a few things that have convinced me that people should only eat meat "in times of famine or winter" D&C 89.   I've decided that for me, that means unless I'm starving or have no other option, I shouldn't eat meat.  I also learned more about the China Study and I'm reading a book called "Skinny B****."  (Please note, this book is very informative but pushes for a vegan lifestyle and has more cursing in a book than I've ever seen.)

I've been "flexitarian" for about a week and a half.  That is a term I got from my friend Lynda. :)  It means, I will avoid eating meat whenever possible.  I am feeling so much better!  I'm eating way more fruits and vegetables (hence my basket) and I don't have tummy and digestive issues anymore either.  I have cut back on dairy but I'm not going to stop eating it. 

Please note, I am not going to push my new eating habits on anyone (Hello, I live with Eric.) and Mabel will continue to eat meat when Eric is watching her but I feel like this is the way my body was made to digest.  I very much believe in what I'm doing and I don't take it lightly.  I will be careful to get the nutrients I need and I will continue to exercise.

Now to the part you all care about!  My Mabel is still as fantastically cute as ever!  She has a new cape I made for her out of an old t-shirt. (Thank you for the idea Brit and Kam!)  She loves it!

It's super girl! A little blurry.  She wouldn't hold still.

Her favorite place to play.

She won the raffle at my work party.

Her first movie.  The Avengers.  She made it about an hour.

Also, I have read the first 4 books in the Mortal Instruments Series in the past two weeks.  Fun read for sure if you are looking for some "mind candy" as my sister Kim calls it. :)

Do over

I've been feeling pretty baby hungry lately.  My sister-in-law just had my cute little baby niece and she is such a doll!
I was thinking more about Mabel's birth and I feel kind of out of the mommy loop because I was never actually in labor.  I have no idea what a real contraction feels like and I wasn't even awake to hear her first cry.  I wasn't the first to hold her and I wasn't even the second or third.  I sent Eric into the special care nursery with a camera after she was 12 hours old and asked him to take a picture so I could see what she looked like.  She was hooked up to monitors and I was still too sick to move.
At the time, everything was so scary and crazy that I didn't mind all this.  I remember my midwife asking if I was okay because a lot of mothers feel cheated and sad when things don't go as planned.  At the time, I was just so relieved that we got her out in time and that I didn't have to be in labor that I had no problem assuring the midwife that I was perfectly fine about it.  And I was. 
Now I feel a little a sad about it.   For our next baby, I want to be awake and I want that moment where they hand you the baby and your husband takes the pictures and you look absolutely terrible but so happy to be holding your newborn. I want him/her to be in the little basket next to my bed. I do not want my baby hooked up to IVs and monitors.  I don't want to be so drugged that I can't remember what anyone is saying to me.
All things considered, I'm still very incredibly grateful for modern medicine and the people who got Mabel get here safely and I know I was lucky.  She was 4 weeks early and didn't have any problems and I recovered quickly as well. 
Eric and I are thinking more seriously about expanding our little family in the near future and I'm scared.  Scared things will go wrong again and we won't be so lucky but I'm hoping and praying that our next miracle will come to us without any more problems.

Personality

I took a personality quiz at work to see what kind of jobs I'm most suited for.  Once again, military service was one of the highest!  I also got personal assistant, broadcast reporter, travel agent, wedding planner, inn keeper (totally my favorite) among other jobs.  Here are my results:

"Gracious, amiable, affirming, gentle, giving, warm, genuine, cordial, kindly, caring, concerned, dutiful, reliable, punctual, polite, tactful, socially appropriate, thoughtful, self-sacrificing, nurturing, people-pleasing, goal-oriented, helpful, cooperative, consistent, extremely loyal, traditional, rule-bound, uncomplicated.  Confident with people, perfectly in tune with others' needs and sensitive to nuances, they are the world's natural hosts and hostesses, efficient managers, event planners.  Their presence contributes graciousness, harmony, fraternity, and fellowship to whatever they are engaged in.  Both female and male ESFJs relate with people in a way that combines warmhearted "mothering" and caring, considerate "inn keeping".  So eager are they to please that they put others' needs before their own, ignoring their personal well-being as they care for the people most important to them.  They seek harmony, avoid conflict, follow the rules, keep their commitments, and ignore problems by pretending they do not exist.  Sensitive to criticism.  Need appreciation and praise.  Particularly concerned with etiquette, should and shouldn't.  Family and home are often their central passion; can be happily consumed by the details of homemaking and raising kids.  Value stability, harmony relationships, and practical, hands-on experience.  The day-to-day events in their lives are carefully planned and meticulously managed.  At their best in professions that provide helpful, caring, practical service to others and do not require them to learn theories.  Pay little attention to information outside their immediate reality, rarely read the newspaper.  They are particularly good at planning events, organizing people, and manage the day-to-day aspects of projects that deal producing tangible results.  When they learn an effective new method, it becomes standard operating procedure.  Their extraordinary effectiveness comes from picking the perfect, tried-and-true procedure from their internal database at exactly the right time. 

Shannon high lighted the green parts  when she felt like they were particularly spot on for me.  Eric agreed that I always put everyone else first and when I got defensive, he pointed out the fact that I don't take criticism well.  I thought that was pretty funny.  

Mostly, these are my natural tendencies but I believe I can over come some of the more negative ones. 

Speaking of personality, I'm not sure my new haircut "is me." But it sure it fast and easy to do in the morning!  I'm still getting used to it but Eric LOVES it so that makes it easier.  For those of you who haven't seen it:

 It's not quite what I wanted.  I'm going to grow out the front so it's more of a swoop bang but I'm pretty darn proud of how brave I was.  
Also please ignore my face.  It's the end of my day after all.  

For Jenn

In response to Jenn's request to read a blog that has not been updated in a while, I decided I would give it a go. 

I haven't blogged much in a while for a few reason but I'm not going to get into that today.  (I know, aren't you disappointed?)

The biggest thing that has happened since I blogged (besides major holidays and birthdays) was my Grandpa Hanson passing on January 31st.  He had had some health problems for a while now and his mind was pretty much gone.  I didn't know my Grandpa very well.  He was the kind of man the worked very hard and said very little unless is was to explain how something should be done.  I wish I could have gotten to know him better but I'm sure he's very happy to be with his parents and his brother.  He had a very hard childhood.  The funeral was beautiful and it was great to see my relatives that I haven't seen in years. 
His passing made me think about the legacy I want to leave behind someday.  I think that I want people to remember me as a someone they loved and respected and they knew I loved and respected them.  That pretty much sums it up.  I now only have one living grandparent, my Grandma Hanson.  I think she's doing alright with my Grandpa's passing but I think she'll continue to have bad days for a while.  My dad had a hard time too but I think the funeral gave him some good closure.  My Dad will leave a great legacy someday.

In other, more trivial news, I lost 11 pounds over the last several months.  Then I got tired of tracking and I've plateaued but I am back in to my pre-marriage jeans so that makes me pretty happy.  I've made some good changes in my diet and I think I can keep it up but I still LOVE sweets.  Keep your mashed potatoes, steak, pasta, bread, and chips.  I will take you brownies, candy, cake and all manner of goodies.

My Mabel is still the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen!  Her fine motor skills are advanced but, as before, she is behind in gross motor skills.  She's not really walking yet.  She takes about 5 steps at a time but her main way to get around is on her knees or crawling.  I'm not worried.  She'll do it when she's ready.  She just started nursery and she didn't even bat an eyelash.  She loves it!  She did get upset at the end when people wouldn't let her out of the door before I got there.  I think that is one of her biggest pet peeves.  If a door opens, she wants to go through it!   She says a lot of words now and she has a bit of a lisp.  It's the cutest thing ever.  She will not say "Mama"  only  "Dada."  If you ask her to say "Mama" she says "Dada."  She loves bubbles, coloring, baths, and cars.  She doesn't really seem to care about dolls or stuffed animals.  She also blows kisses and throws her hands in the air and says "Ta doa" (touch down). 

And my blog would not be complete with out pictures of Mabel so here she is!

  

Boating in St. George with Sarah and Eric Jackson

In her big girl seat

A bumble bee for Halloween