Home Again

We arrived home this morning.

But I am lost and I would give anything to be able to have a chat with my mum again.

It will be 1 week tomorrow since she left us, it will be 3 weeks on Monday since I last heard her voice and I miss her.

I will love you forever & miss you always mum xx

Back soon

We fly out in the morning to say goodbye to my mama, my brother has organised for me to go and see her one last time tomorrow afternoon, before her funeral on Wednesday

The past 3 days have been hard, there have been lots of tears shed, lots of questions from the girlies, but my husband has taken control, he organised our flights, got a relief in to look after his work, organised leave from his job, sorted out who was going to have the kids, answered the phone and let those who needed to know, know that mum was gone.

He has taken over the running of the house, he even did breakfast club at school for me this morning, he is my rock and I know that I would not make it through this week without him by my side. I don't think I could ever repay. He is a keeper for sure and my mum absolutely adores him.

So I will be back in a few days.

Thank you for your comments, it means a lot, even though I knew it was going to happen it was still a big shock, especially at 6:15 on a Saturday morning.

I will love you forever and miss you always, and I do miss her.

Gone but never Forgotten

My beautiful, amazing mama passed away this morning, after a courageous 18 month fight against cancer

I am beyond devastated today

My dh and I are flying home on Tuesday for one of the hardest days of my life, her funeral.

I will love you forever and miss you always mum xxx

Dancing Grandma's Progress

I have been quite productive since arriving

home last week, although I haven't had the urge

to uncover my sewing machine all is not lost

as I have a teeny bit of sewing mojo.

So my progress so far

Dancing Grandma's all in a row (border 1, 3 more to make)

Border 2 (3 more to make)

RHS of border 2, I have to make 3 more

hexagons for this side

LHS of border 2, 3 more hexagons needed here also, my hexagons

are a bit smaller than what the pattern asked for, but I had these on

hand, so apart from the background fabric, it will be a complete 

Stash Buster of a quilt when its done

Tuesday I took on the task of cleaning up my sewing

room, I had left it in such a mess, and it was rather sad to 

see what it looked like when I came home

and the other side

and what's on my design wall,

* the centre block for Aunt Grace's Circle of Friends,

* NYB blocks for my patient dh, almost 18 months to get this far

* centre diamond for my hexie quilt (in a snaplock bag)

* border 1 of Dancing Grandma's 

under the pink pin magnet, is Henrycats sleeping spot, on a 

pile of leftover batting

I have a box of orphan blocks on its way from my dad, inside

are some reproduction fabrics of mum's, hurry up Mr Postman

and speaking of my mama, she is hanging in there, has some depression,

is having major breathing issues, so her dr has banned all visitors and 

she still banned from talking to anyone as it affects her

breathing. 

I am in a good place now I am home, and as awful as it 

sounds, I am just waiting for 'that call', I know that its not going 

to be far off :(

Back to 'Normality'

if there is ever a 'normality' I am back to it.

I arrived home to my little family late Tuesday afternoon,

my flight out of Tasmania was almost 1.5 hrs late leaving,

which meant I missed my flight to Canberra

which meant I was bumped to the next flight to Canberra

which meant it was a jet, not a propeller powered plane :)

dh met me at the airport, let me cry and then bought me home.

Yesterday I just didn't quite now what to do with myself,

so I phaffed around, went grocery shopping and did not much else,

I had coffee with a wonderful friend who made me cry when she arrived

Today is a different day, I have been up since 6am, I have done

3 loads of washing and hung it all on the clothesline, the kitchen is clean

today is a good day.

I did have a little retail therapy while I was away,

my mum always said, 'when the going gets tough

the tough go shopping'.

Not that I bought very much.

A visit to Spotlight saw this book come home with me, there are some quick

and easy patterns for me to use when making the quilts for the

Holman Clinic, as soon as box number 2 arrives in the mail. I also left with

4 packs of appliqué pins, 2 pairs of scissors & some clover pens

From Calico Crossroads I bought this pattern & some

reproduction fabric fat quarters and month 3 of

Tillies Lane

Dancing Grandma progress, all the dolly dresses are stitched down

and 5 have arms and heads, 2 have arms and heads waiting to be

stitched down and 6 are still waiting

this is just 1 border, and its huge

2 hexagons sewn together

28 waiting their turn

I am making this 1 side at a time.

and i snuck this photo of me home, I was 4 when it

was taken, my sibling has her's so now I have mine

how cute was I :)

Saying Goodbye

to my mum this afternoon, I finally got some time with her this morning, and as I am flying home in the wee small hours of the morning today I have to say goodbye, tell her I love her & thank her for being my mum. I am pulling on my big girl panties so I don't cry in front of her and saying what I have to say.

Looking forward to being home tomorrow, my sister won't even acknowledge me at the moment let alone look my way. My dearest friend this morning told me it was her problem not mine, that what I said to her wasn't even worth being upset over and it's her loss. 

and you know what, I agree, it's only since mum has been sick that we have spoken, I made it 40 years with minimal input from her so I can handle another 40 years with minimal input.

Mum is very frail, it's so sad seeing her this way, I know that she is suffering, I just pray as hard as it is for us to lose her that she doesn't suffer for much longer. The drs said last week 2-3 weeks left.

Hmmm family it's true what the say you can't pick your family.......certain members of mine wouldn't have made the list that's for sure!

Wanted, Orphan Blocks

My mum has quite a few orphan blocks winging there way to my house to be made into quilts which will then be donated to the Cancer Centre where she received all of her treatments. Sheesh, all her quilting supplies are on their way.

So, I was wondering if anyone else would like to donate some more orphan blocks, so I can send them as many quilts as possible.

The Holman Clinic is where the finished quilts will sent to, to be given to patients while they are receiving their chemo treatments. I know that my mum loved snuggling under her chemo quilt that I made for her when she was first diagnosed, it is currently in the palliative ward with her to be snuggled under and when her journey has ended it will be coming home to me, for me

It's my way of saying thank you for taking such good care of my mum.

If you would like to donate some blocks for the chemo quilts, please send me an email and I will pass on my address. 

Thanks xx

I have been doing some hand sewing while I am here, I have hexagons basted ready for my flights on Tuesday, and I am currently stitching heads and arms onto the first strip of Dancing Dollies, which I am re naming Dancing Grandmas as I'm using all of mums reproduction stash in it. My little tribute to her  she bought a book for my baby girl called Dancing with Grandma, she and Imogen sat for hours reading that book, over and over again. Ah the memories.

Going home to my family

This is a post full of hurt and anger but I don't really care, I have to get it out, I am not looking for sympathy I just need to get my feelings out before I say or do anything I may regret. A hug would be nice, as I don't get any hugs here

Ever since I have arrived, I have been told that there is no reason for me to be here, there is nothing for me to do and I should just go home, that I am only interfering in things that don't concern me, everyday single day, I have even been told not to come back for her funeral. This morning he told that I won't have a family if I don't go home, apparently my husband will leave me because I am trying to spend time with my dying mother WTF

A dr told me that this is time for me to say what I want to say to mum, but for that to happen it would mean 1 on 1 time with her, which no one seems to think I need or deserve.

I can't do this anymore, that's my mum, MY MUM, don't I deserve some time with her I have had maybe 30 minutes with her in 8 days never alone I walk in and dad or her sister or my sister decide visiting time is over and I am done, so I took the hint and booked a 6am flight home for Tuesday as my son arrives tomorrow to say his goodbyes and I can't leave him to fend for himself with the family

 I told my sister how I was feeling and got no reaction, dad couldn't give a toss, he never really has, I will always be a stupid 17 year old who got herself pregnant and bought unimaginable shame on the family. My sister has had mum for 2 years, has been able to see her every single day but can't even give me 10 minutes. I am so angry, but it's not the time to make waves everybody is already on tender hooks, so home to my babies and my husband I will go, tissues in hand and with a broken heart. 

I just don't know whether to come home for her funeral, knowing that my presence isn't required. I just don't know what to do anymore. Other than go home to be with people who do love me and let me know everyday that I am wanted, needed and loved, cause I sure as hell don't get that here. My husband refuses to stay with anyone in my family, what they do and how they treat me makes his blood boil.

I do know that I am beyond sad and I will miss my mum so much.

We Got Some Answers........

Mum was being taken for an X-ray when we arrived to visit her this morning, while she was gone one of her dr's called in to see dad & I while we waited for her to return. He was very honest with us, told us her status on the cancer so i asked the million dollar question of  I didn't know whether to stay or go home to my family, he sat beside me held my hand and told me I had to stay. That it was going to happen soon, very soon in fact surprise, I cried, told my dad I was sorry for asking, grabbed my bag and left so he & the dr could inform mum, who had arrived back on the ward. 

Then I had to tell my brother, sister & my aunt, so dad didn't have too then we have called mums brother who lives in far North Queensland that he needs to come ASAP.

Hopefully tomorrow she will be moved to the private hospital to the palliative ward.

It's everywhere, it's in her spine, her lungs are full of tumours and she might have 2 weeks we just didn't get a definite time frame, just very very soon.

We are surrounded by family, we laugh about our times with her, we cry, a lot, we tell stories, I listen to my daddy talk about their life, we all just love her so much, and it's breaking my heart to know that soon I won't be able to call her up & tell her about what we have been doing, and it hurts to see my beautiful gentle father so sad that he is losing his life partner of 49 years.

Please pray for my family, especially for my mummy, that she doesn't suffer to much, and she passes away how she wants to, surround by us who love her the most and that my dad feels the love that we all have for him.

Mummy Update

Sometimes life would be much easier if you could get

answers to your questions.

I arrived Wednesday to find mum having a terrible day, she had a 

fall on Tuesday night in which she hurt her back, gave herself a

black eye and other bruises, she was in and out of sleep thanks to

über strong painkillers.

Thursday she was in a lot of pain and had lots of visitors. I made dad cry

when I suggested I made quilts out of all her orphan blocks to donate

to the cancer clinic who have been looking after her.

Today was a great day, she was alert and talking telling us her plans

for when er time finally does come, I wanted a rough idea of how long

she had left with us so I spoke to one of her drs which resulted in a flood

of tears to the point I had to walk away and have some time out. Mums 

gorgeous nurse followed me and we had a great chat.

Basically it's the great unknown, she has maximum 3 months, my dilemma is

do I fly home on Friday as planned or do I wait here for another week, dh keeps

saying to stay as long as I need, but I just can't decide.

Dad is loving the company and I don't want to leave him on his own 

again, mum is worried about him, I worry about him.

So very hard to know what the right thing to do is.

He asked me to not bring the girls home for her funeral, and I will honour

his request, he told me he wants them to remember Grandma as they have

always known her, not how she is now.

She is still in hospital, she might be coming home but more likely to be 

transferred to the palliative care ward at one of the private hospitals. She has

high medical needs that will only increase the further she declines.

Keep praying for her please, and for my family. Our time together is getting shorter

with each passing day.

I will miss her terribly.