a time for song

Finally I did my long-awaited ktv session. With my guildies no less. I was the only girl out of a group of seven, till Jess came at 6 plus. She didn't sing though, so I was the only one spamming all the female songs... and English songs for that matter. But I did balance out. A good mix of Chinese and English. Heh. Still wasn't enough though. I could do with a good 5 more hours. HEE.

Dinner was at Xin Wang HK cafe. Selected a good main course. Good enough that I managed to finish all of it! Heh. What a first... for a long while at least. Sometimes I still can't believe how little I eat. When I look at my previous self.. urgh. No wonder I always got passed over. HA!

A little of bishi-bashi competition. Exciting stuff. :) Always do enjoy hanging out with them.

Sometimes...
Perhaps...
Maybe...

not.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to one and all :) It's that time of the year again. A time for loved ones - family and friends... and of course, the one God and Jesus Christ. It's been a good day, tiring, but not at all undesirable in any way. It's been a good day... in more ways than one.

I've now no need to shop for new year clothes anymore. Got so many new clothes... from birthday presents, xmas shopping and xmas presents. hehehhe. Love it.

It's been a good christmas. I can feel great things in the new year :)

After some time

Yes time for some update. I've been wanting to blog for a while, but I'm always either too tired, too busy or I've plainly forgotten.

My clearing up is about 60% done. At least there's no embarrassing mess now. Haha. It's been a really tiring 2 weeks I must say. There were some long lost artifacts I found while springcleaning. One of these was a long letter I wrote to myself about 6 years back. It was something my English teacher told all of us to do, and that we ought to read it after a year... to see how we've grown etc. I didn't open mine after a year. So there it was still all sealed up. It was quite... enlightening. Seeing what an EMO kid I was.

That letter brought back lots of memories. Makes me realise how much I have indeed grown over the years.

Twilight is the only time I feel I have some time to myself now. A fantasy I've created for myself. (Or Stephanie Meyer created) :) I'm in love with that fantasy.

Urgh. So many things to do. I'm really so darn tired.

ZZzzz

random thoughts

She's leaving for a few days. But I'm glad I never have to worry about never seeing her again.

I don't like feeling bad.

I try my best to be nice.

I'm blessed to have what I have.

I love my mum.

I love my dad.

I love my bro.

I love my hamster.

Don't take anything for granted.

Don't expect more than I can give.

Feeling of being forgotten

Firstly, I'm not being emotional or anything. Lol. Just had a few memories that came up while I was on the bus. Another round of self-psychoanalysis...

I'm sure many, if not all, of us have had this feeling of being forgotten before. I don't mean it in an excessive manner, otherwise you are just chronically depressed and should go see a shrink. But I digress...

I've just had this epiphany. Maybe last time I tried too hard to be loud and vivacious, to be vocal and outgoing... just so no one would forget me. Prominence would result in remembrance wouldn't it? At least that's what I subconsciously thought I think. I don't think I'm that insecure anymore but then, some things probably never change.

Let me first tell you about the memories that brought about this blog...

*****
When I was in kindergarten, my mum and her friend brought their sons to nursery school. Well, that means my brother of course. It was one of those PAP kinds at the void deck. I tagged along as I didn't have school that day. So while the mums went to see their sons settled in, I went to the playground just a little bit ahead. After playing for 15min, I decided to look for my mum.

I couldn't find her.

I looked through the window to the nursey. I looked down the corridors. I went to the main road. I looked everywhere in the vicinity.

I still couldn't find her.

I started to panic. And perhaps unsurprisingly, I started to cry. I remembered being scared, scared of being alone, scared that I was forgotten. It wasn't like I had a mobile phone to contact her with.

After another 15 to 20min more, my mum and her friend came back. I couldn't remember all that was said but I do recall one thing, "So sorry girl! I forgot you came with us!"

Great. My own mum forgot me. Lol. Well everyone makes mistakes. My mum's only human after all.

*******
Another incident was when I was in primary 2. It was a Wednesday and school was released half an hour earlier. My mum was supposed to pick me up, so I waited in the foyer. I waited and I waited. I waited till the foyer was almost completely empty. The worst thing wasn't the wait.

I had actually saw this car that looked exactly like my mum's, along the long string of cars in the carpark. The car seemed to be making a loop turn. So I was happily waiting for my mum to appear. I waited 5min....10min... it wasn't that big of a carpark. It couldn't be that long. So I sat down and waited, thinking maybe she thought to go packet lunch for me first or something.

I was released at 12.30. I was at the foyer at 12.35. I waited till 1.15. And yes. The tap started leaking again. One parent was nearby and saw me. She asked what happened, blah blah blah, and she lent me the phone to call my mum.

My mum woke up when I called her.

Of course she was very apologetic when she arrived, saying she didn't hear the alarm etc. I forgave her. I was only a little kid after all. Of course I forgave my mum.

**********

So you can see...insecurities are indeed built in from a young age. And yes, I hate being alone. I hate being so dependent. I hate mahjong.

Lol. Don't worry I'm not angsty. Some things need to be said for them to be released from the darkest parts of our souls. Only then can we properly grow again.

relaxed

I think today's paper must have been the easiest one so far. Pity that I probably wouldn't get an A anyway. Screwed up the MCQ test a couple of weeks back. Ah well. No matter. One more paper to go!

I've spent the whole afternoon WOWing. Heh. I'll spend tmr and monday studying for Tues last paper. Fortunately it's another open book exam. *smirks*

It's been a rather peaceful week actually, not counting exam stress of course. It's like... well, I'm contented with how things are. Having lunch with some of my friends today after the paper suddenly struck me as blissful somehow.

Contentment. Peaceful. Blessed.

5 days left

5 days left to freedom. Yesterday's paper was quite a killer for a lot of my friends. One spotted the wrong question, another didn't really do any particular answer scheme. Well, I can only thank God that my spotted questions were pretty close to the mark, though I had to do a lot of flipping through my 15 pages of answers. Only the second question was good for me, though my friends feel otehrwise. It was on a topic she didn't really cover, so a lot of people didn't focused much on it I suppose. I just did last year's exam questions, which quite surprisingly (or perhaps not so) repeated one of its questions this year. Fortunate for me. :)

Enough of exams. I've been having really weird dreams lately. Yesterday's afternoon nap was regarding WOW. I was kinda like a player INSIDE. Lol. And I was a rogue. Heh. Last night I had a dream which consisted of me always running away from someone. It's a bit like those action movies you see on TV, where someone wants to come after you to get something from you. In this dream there are parts of it where I've some sort of power I think. Can't really recall now. Come to think of it, the lady chasing after me reminded me of the one in Terminator 3. LOL.

I'm at home now. Going back to Gu Ma's later. Time for some serious mugging for my morning paper tomorrow :)

one more week

Exam weeks sure seem to move really slowly. It's pure agony trying to do up a decent answer scheme for my open book exam. I only pray that it's enough. Will just do the best I can, and pray for guidance and strength in mind. :)

Studied with Alvin, Boon and Justin yesterday. Can't honestly say it was very productive but I suppose I did do up a few more pages of answers. Will try to finish by today so I can start studying for my next paper. Fortunately for me that module is pretty easy to understand; I will just be jotting the key terms down. Now that always seems to kill me, considering I have pathetic memory for important terms. I get the gist, but it's not enough, is it? Lol. Of coz not.

May resume learning French next year. Will wait for Big Alvin to learn french e1 first. If he doesn't, well, I suppose I could continue with Weiping and Justin if they decide to continue as well.

I received some delightful news yesterday. It made me a little more motivated to study harder but well, I sense a tinge of fear as well. Maybe more of a pressure to perform. Danny's right. Exams always ruin the fun of learning, and I believe they rely more on one's memory as well. But I suppose open-book examinations counter that. Still... placing so much emphasis on a single paper is never a good idea. Sometimes it boils down to an issue of luck as well.

Ok back to work. I have to 'tahan' just 6 days more!

i'm not a guy!

Haha that angsty title is becoz I've been wondering why my male friends seem to think I'm a guy. Well most of them anyway. Lol. Especially my WOW friends. Hahaha. Even my shakineh friends actually. Tsk tsk I'm too tomboyish.

Yesterday there was a little incident. Flattering but undoubtedly weird. Ah well.

just one of those days

1 down, 3 to go. Guess it went pretty ok, but 'assurances' from the prof didn't help in the least. Ah well, best that I just forget about it.

Service today kinda resembled a lecture given by a prof, given that the speaker today was the director of Trinity college. Hmm. But it was all good, there's always something to learn. One point that stood out was about faith. I guess it's a reminder that regardless of anything else, my faith in God is the one thing that should never weaver.

I forget that sometimes. Many times. :S


Going for book shopping later. I love books. Lets me live out my dreams in a way that I can't see happening in reality. The thing is... you always know the ending in the end. Sometimes even guess it before the end.

a weird dream

Actually I've got a lot to blog regarding xintian's bday... but since I don't have the pictures on my laptop, I'll save it for when I get back home. (Yes, I'm at Varsity studying again. Heh.)

Anyway I'm blogging about this totally weird dream I had again last night. I can't recall all of it but I remember there's one part where this guy wanted to shoot me. I was with JJ at that time. Apparently he wanted something from JJ and when JJ didn't want to give it up or didn't have it (I can't remember), that guy pointed a gun at me. Damn scary la. It's one of those dreams when you forget you are in a dream.

Kinda forgot how it happened but basically we talked to the guy till he put the gun down. He was actually having some issues or something, and he looked mightily distressed. My heart went out to him and I pulled him in for a hug! Oh my GOSH. I think I've a sadistic streak or something. I hugged the guy who wanted to kill me moments before. Probably there was something about his pained expression. It seemed obvious to me he could use a hug, and he did return it. So yea, I've a thing for guys with issues. LOL.

Psychoanalysing myself. I have issues I think.

Wind and Window Flower

Lovers, forget your love,
And list to the love of these
She a window flower,
And he a winter breeze.

When the frosty window veil
Was melted down at noon,
And the caged yellow bird
Hung over her in tune

He marked her through the pane
He could not help but mark,
And only passed her by,
To come again at dark

He was a winter wind,
concerned with ice and snow
Dead weeks and unmated birds,
And little of love could know.

But he signed upon the sill,
He gave the sash a shake
As witness all within,
Who lay that night awake.

Perchance her half prevailed
To win her for the flight
From the firelit looking-glass
And warm stove-window light.

But the flower leaned aside
And thought of naught to say
And morning found the breeze
A hundred miles away...



A very sad poem. But I suppose it is rather apt in many of our would-be relationships.

simple pleasures

I was late for work today. Oops. Kinda forgot about it. Not really actually. It's just that I was a little irritated at the noise my bro was making while preparing to go to camp, so I just covered my head with my blanket and continued sleeping. Then my alarm rang at 7... and I happily shut it up. Oops. I woke up at 9am when I received a message from little Alvin. LOL. Ah well. 5 bucks less pay?

Met up with Big Alvin for lunch. Turned out to be an impromtu trip to borders, complete with some marks & spencers, coffee, a long walk and dinner. I bought 4 books today! Thanks to Alvin's 40% discount, I had them at 40 bucks instead of 65. Heh. I miss buying books. Though I guess I need to clear up for shelf space for them. Too much redundant things lying around. Will get around to it after exams. :)



Alvin's a better photographer than I am. Lol. Or maybe it's the camera :x

I'm kinda torn between wowing and reading for leisure now. Those books I got are quite tempting. In any case, I'll be staying at my aunt's a lot these couple of weeks. I suppose I'll bring those books along. Haha cut down on wow!

I've to be up at 8am and I'm still blogging. Lol. Time to slp.

just to update

I haven't blogged in almost a week! Guessed I've been too lazy to do anything much? I did do some studying here and there but that's about it.

Stayed in my aunt's place from monday night to wed night. I really love the place. It gives me such a quiet sense of tranquility somehow, though I guess I also wanna be there to accompany my aunt and Gina. Gotta really keep praying for my aunt. Sigh.

I've been sleeping really early every night. Relatively anyway. At my aunt's, I'll slp by around 11 to 1130 max, sometimes even 10 plus. Now that I'm back home, if not for the fact that I'm wowing, I'll probably sleep at 10 plus too. I was already quite grouchy wowing plus 11pm as it is. LOL.

I watched the new James Bond movie with my dad last night, coz NATAS gave him tickets. Apparently he could have gotten more, but I didn't know that till it was too late so too bad for the rest of you :P I think Daniel Craig is really good looking. I never liked the previous one - Pierce Brosnan (if that's how you spell his name)... I thought he was too pretty. Daniel Craig exudes more of the suave demeanour. *swoons* I liked him since he acted in The Golden Compass actually :) There was one scene in the new movie that I especially liked. Maybe you can guess after watching it, if you know me well enough.

Back to the books.

3rd bday surprise from bestie?

Haha! That sneaky Xintian...I thought it was just a dinner thing to get to know Donald better and stuff. But nooooooo, it was bday surprise no. 3! Lol. Bestie all right. We had dinner at Buckeroo... awesome place.. ambience was fantastic. Those cowboy sort, though it was a little bit pricey. But I gotta admit it would be all worthed it. Donald gave a treat today. I feel sooo blessed :D

Eh xintian... I give my approval stamp liao. Hope things work out for the best >.<

Here are the pics we took at the place. Look at how RAW my steak is. AWESOME. Oh, and if some of my pics look at though I got swollen lips... well let's just say the bufflo wings were a little excited. LOL.

The place is freaking ulu... but ah well, good things are worth going the distance for ;)

What a day(s)

OMG. I was 40min late for my bio lab lesson today. I woke up groggily to the sound of my ringing phone at 9.15am... OH SHIT. Yea... I happily forgotten I had a 9am lesson when I woke up at 7.30am to give my friend a wake-up call. I'm telling you, I was delirious! But it could turn out to be a good thing in the end... coz I missed my bio lab test. I was initially resigned to my fate... that is, I thought I'll forfeit the 10% that the test was worth. Then during the break, Dr. Graham came to me and said he'll average out my other grades to fill out the missing 10%. WOOOOOOOOOTS. What a relief. That plus the fact that my friends were all complaining what a difficult test it was and how inclined they were to fail. :P

Yesterday was a rather ...happening day I should say. I was happily doing my term paper till I had to meet Jon at 12pm. We managed to buy the battlechest set at $64.90... not too bad I suppose, though it makes no difference to me since I still had to chip in the same amount of money. After lunch, Jon MADE me send him to mediacorp. Tsk. Being unfamiliar with the location, you know what happened. Serves me right for not checking the streetdirectory before leaving the carpark. Lol.

Term paper. Term paper. Term paper. I finished it up till the first paragraph of discussion at around 7.15pm. I intended to stop there, because I wanted to head down to Eusoff to support Putra's performance. Then... I decided to check one particular stats detail... whether age played a significant difference to my data.... DEN I REALISED IT WAS FREAKING SIGNIFICANT. Ha. Redo time. To think I spent most of my afternoon on that bloody results section. Sigh. Couldn't go Eusoff. Guess it's my fault. I should have checked from the start.

Planning to go varsity to stay over tonight. I miss the peace that I get from that place. And it's time to spend more time with my aunt :)

I'm glad I still have my loved ones around me. My family... my good frenz... I guess in the end, no matter how successful I am with my career, or how popular or famous I may become, it will all be meaningless if I didn't have my family and friends to share it with. And maybe a special someone in the future. And of course, God gives my life direction. I'm fortunate I have God in my life :)

Rachel asked if I wanted to go Cambodia with her. Asked me to check with Xintian too. Haha. It's either Europe or Cambodia for me. As much as I want to go Europe with Wanhua and Wanying (they are already there for SEP), I find the appeal of Cambodia more alluring. Both groups of friends are quite different. I miss Rachel... and I've always wanted to travel with my best friend. And Cambodia will be simple and less hectic... lol.

I feel like going out after school. But I end at 7. Ha!

Love Remains the Same

I've been listening a lot to this song I heard by Gavin Rossdale - Love remains the same. A lot. The lyrics really struck a chord within me. Maybe due to the movie, maybe not.

I went out with cousins just now. At Fisherman's Wharf. I don't think it's all that great, but the company more than makes up for it I think.

It's always nice to hang out with family, especially those around your age whom you've grown up with. Share the childhood memories and such. And these are people I know I can trust :)

There was one thing I was quite sad about though. Yx's girlfriend is a christian while he isn't. There can only be 2 outcomes. 1. He seeks to find out about Christ and believes in Him, and becomes a christian. 2. She backslides.

The latter would be really sad. I've heard of many couples who compromise their relationship with God for that with their partner's. Yx ain't open to the whole 'religion' issue either. I can't understand it... if you really love a person... you'll seek to understand his/her life as a whole, right? God plays such a big part of any christian's life. But I don't blame Yx or anything. How easy would it be for a non-christian to understand if even a christian can't always understand it?

I will pray for them both.

Despite the changes that happens around us, God's love will always remain the same. It is to that I will hold on, and keep remembering to let Him guide my ways.


"Half the time the world is ending ...Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give ..."

Just a thought:

Why do we always have pretend so much? Why can't we just be frank about whatever we think and feel?

A fear factor involved? A fear of rejection? A fear of uncertainty? A fear of change?

Back to term paper...

Great Run at last!

Awesome run with Great Eastern this morning. Thought I'd be really tired due to lack of sleep, plus the fact that I had to send my dad to the airport at 6am in the morning... but well, I think my body is telling me it misses running a lot! I still feel really shiok despite it being hours after the race. Other than the part about knowing I will ache like mad tmr, I'm really happy. Endorphins still working in my system.

I didn't jog throughout the 10km. Kinda followed Kat's pace. It's her first 10km run, and neither of us had trained for it. Lol. I followed her up till 8km den told her I wanted to finish it faster. So I went ahead first. Hehehe.. the exhilaration of dashing towards the finishing line! Of course, I'm not taking the point that I finished it all in a unbelievable 90min into account. Haha! To think my PB was 54min. I've gone a long way...

Last night I watched Nights in Rodanthe. Omg. Omg. Omg. I forgot or perhaps it didn't really sink in...that it was a Nicholas Sparks show. Hahaha... Yea. The inevitable happened. Haha. I felt quite silly... and embarrassed. I supposed I can't help empathizing with the characters. Quite an over-reactive emotional outburst on my part? Most people think I'm mad because of it. I dunno... it's just me I guess. Probably that same emotional side scares some people away. HAHA. Or maybe something else. Hmmm.

It struck me there and then. But. There's always buts. Life sure is complicated. Oh well, it would be too boring otherwise. Is my past holding me back, or is the future too uncertain?

Yawns

Attended Cyndi's birthday party last night. Ok it's not really a party... more like a dinner with her family then followed by a karaoke session at OBar. The latter part included some of her friends and such.

I suppose it was all right. I mean, it was Cyndi's birthday after all. But I can't help but feel like I wasted so much time. Specifically from 7pm all the way to almost 1am. It would have been all right if it were the weekend. But I guess last night was especially bad for me as I wanted to rush some work. So yea, came back to rush some readings but I was too knackered. Decided to sleep at 2 and wake up at 6am instead. Managed to clock a reasonable amount of work. But...not enough. Lol. Oh well.

Looking at Cyndi and her boyfriend last night, as in their interactions, especially those of her boyfriend's (he was a mad joker really), I realised Cyndi's idea of a matured guy is merely in age. She always told me she likes older guys and such (yea he's about 8 to 9 years older than her I think) but I find that she still likes a more youthful and playful personality. He probably acts like a guy her own age.

She used to say that she and I are the same kind, that is, we both like older guys. Now I suppose that's a different definition of older. Hmmm.

Haha. I suppose I like to analyse people like that. Part of my psychology genes? Lol.

Recent events have made me nostalgic about that not-so-past. Ok that 'past' depends on what you depend as the 'past'. Oh well. I'm sure there are many who have experienced this sense of pity. Not in the usual sense of pitying someone... but more of pity that circumstances couldn't be different. But I suppose things are comfortable as it is.

As I said before, God knows what's best for us in the end.

Praise God!

It's times like this when I remember how God watches over us and is just waiting for us to ask him for help. From my previous entry, you'll realise how busy I am, and was especially stressed the camp job that I had to do today. Guess what? I'm home now! Because there happened to be an excess of one facilitator today so I asked if I could leave, with Terry taking over.

Omg, what a relief! Now I've the whole day to do my work. :)

When I woke up this morning, I was instantly comforted by the messaged Zonkie sent me, about how God would give me the energy to do what needs to be done and such. Well, thanks Zonkie, my prayer has been answered.

I guessed I've been too consumed with what worldly needs I have to get done, and have forgotten to recharge my spiritual needs. I suppose that's why we need fellowship to remind each other about God's love and protection, and more importantly to seek it.

Guess I better head to school now.

It always works out in the end.

bad day

It's been a day of mixed emotions. But well, I don't really know why I'm feel so moody at the moment... or rather for a large part of the day. Or maybe I do. But in any case, let me just talk about the good bits of the day first.

Xintian and I went to Shimu ( i think?) restaurant for tepanyaki today for lunch. It was something that has been postponed for 2 weeks already. Work has simply been dreadful... but though I've a term paper supposedly due this week, I still decided to make the time for this. It's my best friend after all :) And she's been saving up to treat me for this. So darling of her.



These are just a small sample of the stuff we ate. AWESOME stuff! I'm drooling just thinking about it.

Then we went to daily scoop at sunset way to have some ice cream. Hee. Oh actually before that we bought durian puffs from Goodwood Park. I have yet to eat my share! :P

Doesn't Xintian look adorable here? :P

Urgh... I still hate my fringe. Lol. A mad mistake of cutting it at the hairdresser's. SIgh.

Those 4 hours spent with Xintian were really good and fun. And I managed not to think of all the stress and work for those blessed few hours. But other than this, the rest of the day was just ... I dunno. In retrospect, the events itself weren't terrible or anything. It's just the whole burden of everything just weighing on me.

I regret taking up the 2 jobs at TAM this week - Mon and Wed. It's taking up too much time... time that I really don't have to spare. I'd rather spend quality time with my family or with friends at this point. At least I wouldn't be tired by those, and it would refresh me mentally. But alas, what's done is done. I managed to survive Monday. Tmr is gonna be worse.

I'm so not in a good frame of mind to work. I love this job. But given my current state of mind and everything... I really don't want to affect my performance or anything. Last time I was really stressed and everything too... but I had a job to get done too. But I went ahead anyway; things at the camp turned out ok, but after the camp during our own facil debrief, I broke down. Haha. Overwhelmed by the mental burden. Don't think it's that bad this time.

Dad's coming back tmr. That's a good thing. Miss my dad. So there's something to look forward to after work. But there's also Cyndi's bday... it's not that I don't like going or anything, but I guess i'll be so damn tired after the camp that I'll just be struggling not to sleep.

Sigh.

My good friend has just gotten duped by this bastard guy. Long story. Argh, seriously guys can be SOOO obtuse. They just don't get what's blantantly waving in front of faces sometimes. I've been in a very similar situation to that of her before. Ah well. I know how it feels. I guess there's a reason why guys have been meant to do the chasing. Hard to find a guy who fits my bill of the ideal guy.

Ok I want to sleep soon.

Sigh.

Sacrifice - Bob Fitts

A video that can't seem to get out of my mind after hearing it in Church this morning.

Bliss

I spent the night at Varsity. My aunt and Gina weren't around...they're now at Taiwan holidaying with my uncle. Such fun. :) But anyway, I was given the key to help look after the plants and fishes on a daily basis. And yea, I made use of the facilities as well :P

I stayed over with Xintian. Really haven't spent much quality time with her recently. We watched American Tail together, had those tooth-decaying snacks to go along with it, studied, watched part of princess diaries, ate tom yam cup noodles... studied some more... lol. All in all, a decidedly peaceful and enjoyable night. I intend to do the same on Thurs night. This time I asked her to bring along Donald for some serenity and relaxation as well. I might as well make use of the chance to know him better after all. Then I can give my 'best-friend-two-cents-worth'. LOL.

I can't wait for these 2 weeks to be over. There's really so much to be done! After these two weeks, I'd have completed all my presentations and term papers, which just leaves me for studying for my exams. I've a term paper due next thurs which I've not yet started...and next week, my mon and wed are burnt coz I'll be working at TAM for the whole day. Ah well, a girl's gotta work to get pocket spending money after all.

I was doing a little bit of reflection last night. Together with Xintian perhaps. God has truly blessed me with many friends. Not just the acquaintance sort, mind you, but friends whom I trust and accept me for who I am. I realised that old friends are not necessarily better than the new, and that some new friends are likely to have the potential to form a much stronger friendship if you only give them the chance. I guess I need to make the effort to maintain my friendships too. Not that I don't... and I'm not saying I'm popular either. It's just that sometimes, life moves so quickly that some friends get left behind. I regret not being able to invite more people to my party. But as it was, I wasn't able to give as much time as I wanted to all the friends I asked already.

I guess I'm blessed to have such a closely knitted family. I'm rather glad my immediate relatives isn't very extensive, so I'm able to forge firm relationships with them. Flittering relationships are just sad.

Anyway, Dad mentioned a trip to the base of Everest next May. Oooh I hope it materializes! Coz Natas is sponsoring a women's team to climb to the top of everest. Heh. And he was suggesting organising a side trip just to base of everest , sort of like a holiday, open to people... though I don't know how open is the invitation. I just know he specifically asked me and Xintian. Lol. It takes 7 days just to get the base of everst! MOUNT EVEREST. How cool is that? Pun not intended.

A whoosing fab bday

I think I shall start with today, then go back in time with this blog entry. There's just so many things to write, but I suppose I shall let the pictures speak for themselves? Not much pictures to share, just mainly those large ones with family.

Before I put up the pictures, I need to talk about the one person who made me cry on my bday... twice! And he wasn't there at my party.

My brother. He called me all the way from Taiwan. I seriously couldn't stop the tears, and my voice got all choked up. And later on, just before cutting the bday cake, my mum showed me a video. It was one that my bro pre-made with my mum's phone before he left. Basically he said that though he couldn't be there, he got the cake for me (through my parents, though he paid i think). I was soooooooooo touched. SOBS. I miss my bro sooo much. EMo me.

Anyway here are the pictures...

My best friend xintian

My parents

Some of my relatives + cyndi

Alvin and Fahmi

The busy bbqers

the wow gang...

The family...

The hall pple (or ex-hall pple)

Shakineh...

My besties

The guys...

now with the missing cousins...

My dad giving me my key necklace

david kangwei jj kim me xintian

whoever's in for the games.. :P

another pose... with the guys on the chairs this time

my presents...
couldn't put the new razor keyboard alongside so I made do with putting a little brochure of it in the front. :P

a really sweet handmade card (pop-up no less!)

Yup. that's the end of my 21st bday. Shall go on to what happened the night before.

Basically saturday was a day of shopping for sunday...which is today. Lol. Quite tired out. I was quite sian about having dinner with my parents AND the mahjong people. I wouldn't have minded a quiet one with my parents you know. But oh well, given what my parents have done for me, how could I refuse them their fav pastime? So there I was waiting for Alvin and Danny to go online so I could start wowing when my mum called me out of the room.

OMG. There they were. The whole COT from my wow guild. Heh. Specifically Alvin, Zonkie, Danny, Boon and Weijie. Fahmi came a bit later. Anyway, they had a cake from Bakerzin! heh. It came as such an utter surprise! It really made an awesome start to my 21st. Seriously. A blast! All the effort. They got me a Razor keyboard! I'm happily typing on it now. Damn cool to type on. Hehehhee. Why do you think I'm bothering with such a long entry? :P

Alvin got me 3 movies too! Forrest Grump, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS and AMERICAN TAIL!!! Omg.The latter two I've been wanting to catch for like AGES. He even shipped American Tail from US. Super sweet friend sia. Never expected he'll make such an effort. lol.

Earlier on I had a really sweet handmade card from Danny too.

I so totally love handmade stuff. Like the photo collage JJ did too. And the many beautiful words that my friends wrote in their cards. God has really blessed me with such awesome sincere friends :D

God has given me an awesome birthday. One that I will never forget.

I have gotten my wish.

A Dream

A little girl mopping the floor with a little mop proportionate to her size. Her older brother doing his own thing at his table by the side. "See! I'm mopping the floor and you aren't!" said the little girl vigorously mopping away. The brother looked up, realised what his sister was doing, and stood up to take her mop away, using a larger mop to do the mopping himself. The little girl beams brightly back up at her older brother.

Who's this little girl? I had a weird dream last night. That girl was my elder sis...perhaps at an age when she was say 5 or 6 years old. Technically I didn't exist. And I don't have an older brother. When I saw my sister in that dream, so innocent and full of life, my tears couldn't stop falling.

I woke up just then... with tears still running down my face. Don't really know how to describe that feeling within.

a new morning

I'm trying to get some of my usual schedule back. Enjoy the peaceful mornings; the feeling of knowing you still have a whole day ahead of you; the feeling that something good will happen today; the promise of hope; the cheery feeling that any sunny day would do to you. Heh.

Yesterday's morning was good... though the afternoon was horrible. It was terribly cold! During the 3hour meeting that I had at the central forum, the wind howled and the thundering rain sloshed away. Though we were technically indoors, the wind was strong enough to blow drizzles of rain in. I was chilled to the bone. Even with the jacket I had on. Added that to the fact that it was a tough meeting, it's amazing we could finish what we did.

Alvin managed to bluff the car from his mum. Tsk. I really shouldn't encourage it... but well, I'm afraid I have succumbed to temptation - the comforts of a car in such awful weather. :P

The initial plan was to get home to do the daily heroics. But I guess I was tempted to get my instant wanton... and since Danny was at vivo anyway, we headed there for some Giant wandering. After groceries, Alvin and I met Danny at starbucks where we stayed on while to chat and read some books. I was having fun with Danny's iPod. Miss the feeling of having one ya know. It took some getting used to not having music with me on-the-go when my own mini died on me. Tragic.

I tried to do some work last night. Especially when the internet crashed a short while. But. My eyes really couldn't stay open anymore. I opted for sleep instead. Missed the message telling me that starhub had ressurected. Guessed the cold really seeped in after all.

Sigh. I miss my bro a lottttttttt. Now I can't even get him on the weekends. Hug hug. Surath once asked, "what happens if he gets a girlfriend?" Well, I don't suppose he will get one till Uni... and probably I'll see him the same frequency as I do now anyway. He's still my lil bro. Alvin mentioned last night that all guys will put on weight after they ORD. Lol. More brother to hug? Heh. I will be quite discontented with a skinny bro :P. Which kinda makes me know quite surely that the guy in my life will be no where near skinny. LOL.

Tired but...

Just watched finish a 50min video that my prof wanted us to catch before today's 10am lecture. Couldn't get it to work at home...so I had to come to school earlier just to watch it. zzzz...

I managed to do quiet time before I left the house earlier.

(paraphrased) "God's love is perfect. Every other love is secondary - support, encouragement, sympathy, friendship - from parents, friends, etc. "

Sometimes we crave attention and affirmation too much. Especially if it's from people we care about - our parents and close friends. But even these people who love us, might hurt us. We are all only human after all. We may seek to have their approval, to acheive their expectations of the people we ought to be... but for what purpose? To gain acceptance? To seek love...which is conditional?

How often do we really truly find unconditional love?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son to die for us, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

For the skeptical, you may think that there's still a condition - you have to believe in Him first.

But why should that be a condition? You remember the saying - Seeing is believing. In this case, you probably can't 'see' God in the sense that we know it... like you can see the words you are reading now. Faith is required. Through faith, you will come to know what's real. If you choose not to believe in something, you effectively choose not to accept anything associated with it. Essentially you have chosen to reject it.

Sometimes I do wonder. Why do people not believe? Why do people want to remain trapped in the insecurities of this world, where nothing is ever truly given freely?

With God's love in you, I believe you can have that ability to give - freely. You are free to give all the love in the world. Because His love is abundant.

Yes there's suffering. But it's man-made. Our ancestors have made the choices. The rest of us now have to live in the consequences. But why be bitter about it?

Love in its truest sense.



I just felt that urge to write this long bit. Thoughts have been provoked by today's quiet time. Don't get me wrong, I definitely love my family and friends. But it's just a realization that that love probably isn't at that perfect. Think about your own relationship with your friends and family.

On a side note, I went dinner with Bobby last night, followed by supper with Danny and Alvin. All in all, an enjoyable night. Felt a little hyper after all those desserts. Lol. But in any case, that energy is a little drained now. I'm super tired. :P No wow for a couple of days? Time to get my work sorted out.

5 more days...

Counting down

Just a week more... hehehe

Haven't blogged for a couple of days. Lol. Something quite unusual recently? Just woke up like 20min ago and thought I'd blog a bit.

I feel like staying over at varsity again today. Need to drop Gina a message to ask if it'll be all right. Wonder if my parents are ok with it. Oh well. I seem to spend too much time at the computer whenver I'm home. Like now. :P Well I admit I do have projects and term papers to do but it's not time efficient ya know.

The last time I was at Varsity was really lovely. A good time-off. It's not so much that I need one again so soon than I just simple wanna do my studying in an environment that makes it stressless?

Cell group yesterday was fun. Guessed I finally understood something. And also, it was a continuation of the previous session's topic of adjusting to God. Jo said: "do you think adjustment is simply a euphemism to sacrifice?" Well, it doesn't matter does it? As long as we love God and want to do things in his way, some changes are inevitable. The important thing is to make them willingly.You lose the whole meaning of it if you do it grudgingly. The changes we have to make now may not always seem like the best decision for yourself at the time, or that it closes the door to something you really want, but in the end you'll look back and discover it was indeed the best move to make after all.

I've had my fair share of interventions that I really appreciated... and also regrets from those I didn't listen to.

To the best of my ability now, with His guidance, I will try my best to do things right now.

A few verses...

+Jesus Gives True Rest

At that time Jesus answered and said, “I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes. Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in Your sight. All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Matthew 11:25-30

my new 'resort'

I stayed over at my aunt's place last night. OMG. It's really like a holiday resort. The whole environment, the apartment being on the ground floor, swimming at the pool, sleeping in a huge bed with fluffy comforters and 4 such pillows....even the fan and lights have remotes to control them! Talk about luxury.

I think it's really a place I can do some peaceful relaxation and reflection. There's a sense of tranquility about the place somehow. Perhaps the fact that not every single apartment is occupied yet plays a factor. Probably will head there again next week.

This is gonna be a crazy month for me. Projects, assignments, term papers... and on top of that I wanna get my work done before my birthday...or at least mostly done. So perhaps I will not be on WOW much this week. Time to psych myself up to do well again. More time to be spent at Varsity then?

Oh yea. I must mention this. Lol. Sunny morning for me today! Despite what Danny ominously foretold... Heh. God is good! Nice swim...spent time with my aunt and Gina. Sigh. I feel very sad her my aunt. Beginning stages of Parkinson's. I've learnt about it before in one of my psych mods.. it's a damn scary disease...slowly claiming a person's life away...letting him/her endure endless torture on earth. I will pray very very very hard...

While at Varsity I had a thought. I'm willing to do quite a lot for my friends and family without expecting much in return, if any. But I won't ever give leeway for Mr. Right. Not unless I am absolutely positively 10000% sure that he's what God meant for me. That guy wouldn't give me cause to have my heart trampled on now would he?

Haha. Enough of that. I'm off for bed.

It's a promise of His I'll always hold on to...

Just a moment

I've just got a few minutes in the com lab before I've to head off for tutorial... just need to release some thoughts.

I've been so tired lately. Not really about anything physical. Perhaps more mental...psychological. Lol.

Couldn't concentrate in my bio lab class today. Got back a test paper. 6/10. Argh. Putra's got 10. TEN. T-E-N. Omg. Yea I know he's smart and he catches on fast, despite his heavy schedule and all...but well, I guess I'm losing focus of what's really important to me right now. The semester had started off well - I was eager for class, I was able to pay attention, I finished most of my readings and work on time.

Now it feels like a constant struggle.

Which is why I'm going to stay over at my aunt's place tonight. No computers. Lol. Just some time for myself and of course to study for my mid terms as well. There's just something about that area that gives me a sense of peace somehow. Anyway it's a good time for me to accompany my aunt and Gina as well. There's only the 2 of them there now that my uncle is away for 2 weeks.

Anyway yesterday was Hari Raya. Went over to Akbar's house with Siqian and xintian. It was really enjoyable. The food was awesome. So was the catching up, especially with Siqian and Xintian. These are my 2 best friends...though I haven't really been able to spend time with Siqian for quite a long while. The day ended with Steamboat at my place with Alvin, Danny and Zonkie. Rather fun, but well, tiring. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling more 'dead' today.

I need to put my priorities into perspective.

Like I always believe....this is my standard ranking: God, Family, Close friends....etc?

I miss my bro.

He answers in the way we least expect

All I can say now is... I'm glad I prayed and he gave me a reason why.

I was this close... lol.

phew...

Hugs

Today has been such a cold and dreary day. I wanted so badly to go home, snuggle in my bed under my blankets, and hugging dingdang to sleep. But well, I ended up in mum's office after my project meeting... and stayed there to keep her company till I had to go off for my friend's birthday dinner.

Anyway the weather has got me thinking... I'm fortunate to be a girl. People don't really mind me being the huggish sort, especially with my small size and all. I love giving hugs and receiving them from family and close friends. I especially love hugging my parents and my bro. They're always warm...and very huggable. =p Perhaps it's due to the fleshiness. Hee. And my bro's pretty muscular so there's lots of him to hug. My bro's the opposite of me. He doesn't hug much, but he lets me hug him :P

But the point is, I'm wondering how people can survive without the warmth of hugs? It's really sad to think that many people go through most of their life receiving very little of it? On a cold and rainy such as today, I can't think of much else other than getting a nice warm hug.

I saw this blog today, posted by a mum with triplets. Her kids are soooo adorable! Actually doctors had prognosized that she wouldn't be able to give birth due to some womb disorder. But she went through this treatment thing... with a 15% chance of being able to conceive a single child. The chances of gettign twins were around 10% and getting triplets were 2%! It's really God's grace.

I know it's kinda weird for me to say this at this point in my life but I really do want to have kids in future. It really puzzles me how some parents can seem to care so little about their children. I thank God that I've loving parents who have shaped me to what I am today. I loveeee kids. Well, I know sometimes they can get bratty or throw horrible tandrums (I blame most of it on the parents btw) but I still love them. I love their innocence. I love how loving they can be, and how trusting. Can you imagine having your kid looking up to you with such unconditional love in his/her eyes? Haha.

Ah well...

full of love...

An answer?

Praying helps me to sleep. When I toss and turn about at night for longer than 10min, I know that God wants me to pray. I may not always know what to pray for... just whatever comes to mind at that point. Sometimes I think it's God's way of telling me I need His help.

I do need a lot of guidance.

I guess it's quite clear now. I suppose it's better this way. I prayed for some sign from God, and he was quite prompt. Lol.

"Who Am I"

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

maybe

The world is full of possibilities.

Some things aren't really so much a lost cause as you first make them out to be. You let time play its part, and you pray hard for guidance.

Xintian told me this once, "Sometimes we want something so badly that God gives it to us anyway, even if it's not the best he planned for us."

Hmmm. I don't want it to be something like that.

Should I give it a try? I don't even know if it's me wishing for too much, seeing things even though it's not really there.

Then again, the world is full of possibilities.

Through God, all things are possible. I want so badly to do what's right. And I want so badly for this to be right.

That's where the conflicting emotions are right now.

Argh.

Just felt like it

I just woke up. Can you believe it? I can't believe it either. I don't normally sleep till so late. In fact I can still count the number on 2 hands I think... or not. But yea, I'm known as the morning person among my friends actually.

My whole routine is a whee bit screwed up actually. Been staying up too late... and it's not for studying either. Maybe I've been wowing too much. To think I've made a resolution to study really hard this sem to get my cap of 4.5. That vision is starting to look a tad impossible. Too many things are distracting me. I need to shift my focus back to where it needs to be.

I've been neglecting my quiet time as well. I need to readjust my life back to God too.

Sometimes I don't really know what I want. Or that I don't want to know what I want. Perhaps I know what I really need at this point.

Cell group on Sunday. I can't wait :)

Had a good kara run today. Everything went pretty smoothly, despite the few wipes here and there. All in all, the guildies are improving. :)

Danny was nice enough to help me log tess on when I said I couldn't make it in time. Feel kinda bad to be late when I'm the one who organised the raid after all... oops :)

I've been thinking about what Cyndi said. She's really someone wise beyond her years. I must say I do admire her. Of course she does have her flaws, but come on, who doesn't? But anyway, but to what I've heard. I guess it's probably something I've known all along but never really thought about it. What's the point of wasting cognitive resources to something that would never happen?

My bro left for Taiwan today. He won't be back till the 18th Oct. Means he'll miss my birthday :(
I'll miss him a lot. I guess he's the almost the only person who really understands me, the only person who would know what I'm thinking most of the time, the only person who always makes me feel secure to be around with. And he's very huggable. Lol. Not that he hugs usually. I'm the hugger. Haha. I guess I'm one of the most huggish persons I know. It's such a nice feeling don't you think?

Sigh.

Sigh

Planning a birthday party for myself is more trouble than it's worth. All the logistics I've gotta settle... at least mum's doing the food bit... though she still calls me over a lot to discuss. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Don't get me wrong though, I am looking forward to it. But well... I guess I hoped it would be a party planned for me?

Does that make me seem very...presumptous? I mean like come on, who do I think I am? Haha...

I've always loved planning things for others. It makes me happy to see someone else happy. Even if it's at the expense of my own happiness. Maybe that's why I didn't want a party at first. Coz I hoped...

Haha.

But regardless, I still rather plan things for other people. I've nothing to lose and everything to gain. I don't really believe in indulging for self most of the time.

That's like stupid right? You've gotta love yourself. Do I?

I think it's really sweet how Harris does so much for Daphne, despite the quarrels they may have. Or like Zonkie to his girl. Haha.

Maybe I'm not actually a nice person. I'm only nice because I want people to be nice to me back. Maybe I was trying too hard, so now I've stopped doing it. Changed what used to be natural to me. Maybe I'm trying to be like other girls. Maybe I can't. Stuck somewhere in between. Haha.

I don't know what sparked this off.

Haha...

Haven't done much work at all the whole week... I'm doomed :)

Was invited over to dinner with some of the profs in the psych dept last night, together with some other grad students (though we didn't mingle with grad students). I really enjoyed myself... being able to tease my lecturers and call them by their first names. LOL. Cheap thrill really.

I'm probably a prime example of humans as social beings.

Went for an impromtu ice cream last night at island creamery. It was pleasant and relaxing.

Continuing on from an earlier post, I don't money is the means to an end. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm sure I could be happy living a very simple life with someone I love...the sort where at least necessities are a constant. Struggling to put food on the table would be a strain on any relationship. However, if the love is deep enough, I believe anything can be accomplished. The struggles would probably bond the couple closer. Both looking towards God as a constant source of guidance and strength. Like a team of athletes for example, training their asses off day and night for competition. Hmmm... an appropriate analogy I think.

I guess I said what I said because it's not easy to find someone with the same mentality as I do. And then, I suppose there's always this intrinsic fear in me somewhere. It makes me a little wary. I haven't yet prayed about it... though I don't know what always stops me doing so.

What I want.

Haha yes, what I want... is a huge monitor screen to play WOW in! OMG. It's not the first time I've been in my lab, but it's the first time I remember to blog about it. Hehe. It's a really high definition monitor.. from DELL...1920x1200 pixels. Kill me. Imagine me gaming with this... *swoons*

But it's a freaking 1000++ bucks.

Sometimes money can buy happiness. LOL.

Maybe I should splurge the money I would have otherwise splurge on the Europe trip. Heh.

But I'm still too thrifty with my gold. Hehehe. The only time I would willingly spend it on is usually for people's stuffs. Especially for close friends.

Again, money buys happiness...for others. Heh. Though of course the observation would be confounded with close friendship and the thought of actually caring.

I'm consumed by psychology. And I'm loving it. Woots.

Hopefully the weather clears up; I wanna go swimming.

Hmmm

Before I sleep, I shall blog a little.

Went to Ikea in the evening. Bought some stuff. Now my study area's a lot neater. Still more room for improvement though. Will get down to it tmr night.

A friend is someone who leaves you feeling better when you've parted company.

Of course it isn't always 100% of the time, but well, it's on an average basis.

There's always the chance where you don't feel absolutely good because of some underlying reason. But then, some things are better off left alone.

All's well that ends well.

I'm glad I talked to that online friend last night. Looks like my gut feeling was right after all. It seemed unlikely to me that despite all that the others spammed on the guild chat, he made no response... it can't always be 'diam diam', can it? It's really scary how misunderstandings can be balloon up to huge proportions if the corrective actions aren't done early enough. In this case, I'm glad it wasn't too late yet.

Yes, there's still one more friend to monitor. This one is a little tricky... esp coz I know this one personally and my impression of him has been doomed from the start. Lol. I can't help bringing psych inferences to some of my social interactions. There are some who live in a space of an enclosed safety bubble, oblivious to everything, and there are others who simply live in a world of their own... with their own rules, in a world where nothing matters but themselves. For the latter case, I'd say it's probably from a deeply seated need to prove himself, and the belief of his being good at the thing he does extends to all things related or relevant to it. I won't say whether it's wrong or right. Maybe a person has been brought up to indulge in self-preservation. Maybe a person simply has a low EQ, and an inability to deal properly with his informal social interactions. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it.

It's not the first time someone has told me I'm too nice. Lol. My mum has despaired of telling me to learn to say no. It's already much better than the JC period. Everything finally got too overwhelming... well I'd rather not repeat that episode. I do say no to a lot of things now. But I guess it's still basic personality. I've always tended towards being an agreeable person. Conflicts get to me and I always feel a need to resolve it. That's not to say I don't blow my top ever. I'm only human after all.

In response to another point. Losing something I've never had... Lol. I know the feeling. Rather well in fact. Maybe only in one area though. But it's like numb now. So if I lose something I had... in that area... it doesn't bother me anymore. Lol.

I like to be positive. :)

Putting His words in my mouth

Sometimes I really do forget how amazing God can be. Just last night I was regretting being so mean to an online friend. Like how the way I've been bitching and gossiping, and not doing anything to confront him about what has occurred... is totally not my style of conflict resolution.

And then, this morning I decided to do a bit of quiet time. Lo and Behold... it was talking just about that!

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord."

Basically telling us to say words that do not hurt and are pleasing to His ears. The amazing thing is that this is not even today's entry...I've been missing quite a few days of daily journal, so I'm reading only 8th Sept. Haha... of all entries to come to...

After reading it... I remember: why am I hurting others when I know what it's like to be hurt? Even if I'm not actively contributing directly to him, the fact that I've not talked to him personally about it... is an act of myself refusing to leave my comfort zone to help someone else.

I really need to learn not to get caught up in the moment of anger..

I'm feeling so tired and drained. And it's not due from studying too much either. Lol. Can't keep doing this. I haven't been studying this week at all. Better watch myself or I'll lose sight of my goal.

I've so much to do. The term break is almost here. It's not really a break at all. It's the signal for me to really start (and hopefully complete) all my term papers, projects etc. So I'll be free for the 12th Oct. Lol.

I don't want things too complicated. Want them to be just how it was before.

Wanhua left today. Didn't realise how much I'll miss her till I reached home and went online. The whole feeling just suddenly bombarded me and I just couldn't take it. Will really miss her a lot. At least there's skype and webcam. The wonders of technology.

Feeling so emo now. Lol.

I really should get some sleep. It's gonna be a long day tmr.

I suppose I really really really do care about the people whom I care about. Stupid statement? Haha. I don't really know how else to say it. That is, there are just some people I really love in my life. There aren't many people whom I will do anything for, or whose words could literally make or break my day. Haha.

I guess that intensity of feeling can scare people off sometimes. Heck, it scared me.

Did some quiet time last night. For that I must thank Zonkie for reminding me. Yesterday's message was really something I needed to hear.

God is never far away.

It sounds so common sensical... like I should know it all along.

But you know I tend to forget.

I really needed to hear it. Like there's a stronger, far greater strength than mine... helping me along, guiding my path.

When you're lost, and feeling restless, perhaps unsure, maybe feeling alone.... He's right there, just waiting for you to call.

And I'm never alone.

What you want vs. what you shouldn't (or wouldn't)

Had a little chat with Wanhua last night on msn. Haven't spoken to her in such a long while. MSN doesn't really count. It's like talking to a screen after all. Oh well. Perhaps I'll have a little chat with Xintian later. It's really lovely to have someone you aren't afraid to say anything to. :)

Seriously it's so hard to adjust and be obedient. Perhaps not hard per se. But s struggle nonetheless. I want to, but I know I shouldn't. I want to, but I'm afraid to. My gut has no feeling anymore...merely fats. Lol.

I love to look at my blogskin. It calms me somehow. Like there's this sense of tranquility within me. And yes, Danny was right. Blogging is a good outlet, one that I've forgotten and have been too lazy to continue for a long way.

I should continue my running to. I've been meaning to for a few months now. Just need to get that motivation kicking. Pity there's no one who lives nearby whom I can ask to run with. Maybe Yingbin. Hmm. But well, running is a peaceful reflection time for me. Or was. I'd rather run with someone I'm very at ease with. At least not someone with whom I might have awkward silences with. Yes, the difference between a serene silence and a deafening silence.

Welcome to my World

Welcome to my world
Won't you come on in
Miracles I guess
Still happen now and then
Step into my heart
Leave your cares behind
Welcome to my world
Built with you in mind
Knock and the door will open
Seek and you will find
Ask and you'll be given
The key to this world of mine
I'll be waiting here
With my arms unfurled
Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world

Knock and the door will open
Seek and you will find
Ask and you'll be given
The key to this world of mine
I'll be waiting here
With my arms unfurled
Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world
Waiting just for you
Welcome to my world

High walls

Reflecting on the dream I had, I realised I probably have built walls around myself. Not just emotional walls that block out every single thing. I find that I have no issues with forming close friendships and caring for people after all. It's a wall that protects my heart from 'what ifs' and possibly hurt. And perhaps because I don't want to get into a relationship where I'd be left behind again. Lol. Emo shit. It's a once-in-a-while indulgence. But really, I find I'm wary of guys whom I could possibly harbour something for... however, I will definitely still care for that person.

A tendency to be attracted to the lost and weary. Haha. Like a shelter for stranded animals. An analogy.

Of course I want to wait for the guy that God has for me out there. I'll continue to pray for guidance. To know what's right for me.

Adjusting my life

Finally went for cell group today. Seriously, I really think God meant for me to go today. It's about adjusting my life to God. For these past few months (or more than that), I've been adjusting God around my life. Like how I stopped going for His Family Centre's service because it fell on sat (and I'd much rather wow or sth along that line.)... and how I stopped going for cell because I was too lazy etc etc etc. Like how I only did quiet time in my own convenience... and usually it's not convenient. Well I can't say I've never realised it but somehow it always stays lingering in the back of my mind. Not something I'm proud to think about all the time. But today's cell group really brought this issue right smack in my face. Of all cell groups to attend, this was the one God led me to... what I most needed to face as well.

It's time to really sit back and take a look at what I've been doing. God has indeed been good to me. My grades are improving; I have many friends and family who love and care for me; I'm financially comfortable in my own right; I got the research assistant position I wanted... with so many blessings, why do I keep on putting God last?

Many Christians want that eternity that God promises, but we seldom do make the sacrifices and concessions that God wants us to give. We choose what we want to believe and disregard those that comes in conflict with our comfort level. How could we then consider ourselves Christians? How can we honestly say we love God?

I want to be able to make that concession. To give up things I enjoy to honour God, to do what he would want me to do in His name. It wouldn't be easy. Of course the easy path is always the sinful path. It all boils down to who is God to me.

Here's a verse that really comforts me when I read it during my quiet time:
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyong what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

It's really a matter of choice. No matter how hard it is to see. No matter how small the way may seem... it's really what I choose to do. If I do love God, the choice is rather clear. Not easy, but clear.


Anyway I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was on a trip to Bangkok with Debbie and Victoria. Not Bangkok as we know it... but somehow I knew it was Bangkok in my dream. I can't really recall how it happened but I met this guy there. I don't remember him to be Thai... but should be Chinese. I still have the impression that he's rather decent looking with a sturdy build and all. Well basically we got together and hung out.

But as both of us were on a holiday... he left first. It felt a fling of sorts... though like a connection that got broken just when the line was clear. I felt so stranded. Coz I remembered really liking him in the dream. But I didn't cry. Just had this weird empty feeling....a familiar feeling actually. Perhaps this is manifestation of issues lingering in the back of my mind... though I can't exactly be clear on what.

A change of view

Yup instead of the sea, I'll look up to the stars now...

Dinner with Shakineh at Smokin' Frogz

Haha this event kinda happened about a 10 days ago, but I just got the pictures. Might as well blog about it now anyway. You should really check the place out. It's located along Bukit Timah Road, rather near the new Brewerks. Despite the (extremely) long time it took for the food to arrive, it was well worth the wait, and the ambience is really relaxing.

About 9 of us went, the usual gang I suppose. Justin and Leon have been MIA for ages. Haha. And well, Gerald and Siying decided to come in the end, despite their preference to do their own thing (HEHE).

Here's my beef burger. It's really awesome I tell u. Couldn't finish it. Oh, and Wanhua and I shared a pint of Hoegarden's. Awesome crap. :P

We did quite a bit of cam-whoring. Of course, with Daphne around... hehe. Cam-whoring goes without saying.

Haha, Wanhua was supposed to go to her fren's 21st bday party after our dinner, which explains her attire, but we mentioned to convince her otherwise. Well, of course, she didnt REALLY want to go to the party in the first place. Hehe. We're such good frenz... lol... to give her an excuse not to go. =p

All right. I best be off to get more work done. Argh, the pain of exams...

Another night at Timbre

I so love the Goodfellas! They have the most awesome voices and the fact that the leads don't look at all shabby kinda makes up for it. Heh. This time I went with Ying, Aziz AND Rachel and her Aussie date. Lol.

It was really funny. Philip (the Aussie fellow) got her 2 exotic gifts all the way from Australia - 2 Women's Health magazine! Rachel never heard the end of the teasings from me. Heh. But it was all in good fun. I was rather startled when I saw Philip. He's gotta be at least 29 and not to mention he's rather large, as in muscular and slightly beefy... even bigger than my bro! Haha. Rachel was like tiny in comparison.

Anyway the highlight of the night was sabotaging Wanying. Hehe. I wrote a dedication that went something like this: Hi Goodfellas! You guys are awesome as usual. We miss Sexy BlingBling! Anyway please play Ever the Same by Rob Thomas and Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5. *heart-shape*, The girl in polka dots.

Wahahaha. Wanying was indeed quite conspicuous in her dots. So yeah, they pretty much recognised her. Lol. She was utterly embarrassed and I'm utterly Mean. =p