on finding a useful distraction.

okay, so here i am again. finding myself in the exact same situation i was one year ago. i promised myself i will not write anything about my feelings here in my public blog, but what the hell.. at this point who cares about anything anymore?

falling for someone with a horrible reputation is definitely a risky process. but knowing me, stubborn that i am, took the risk and believed all the sweet talks wishing that what he has for me is something different and real. of course, i found out i was dead wrong shortly. i knew the exact reason for the fall out, and it sucks that up to the last minute i was denied of the truth. i am not mad, i am just disappointed that he was not man enough to tell it to my face. as what my blog states, the painful truth is always better than some fabricated sweet lie.

so here i was, informed that my time is up and that i was expired. o-kay. to top it up, things at work is not doing any good either. i was having the worst week of my life.

i'd like to think that what i am going through is bad karma, and at some point i'd like to dwell on the pain so guilt will not forever live within me. but i guess i'm only human, and needs a really good dose of distraction to keep me sane. what have i done so far?

1. deactivated my facebook account.

2. bought a couple of good mags and books to read to keep me from going online.

3. shop shop shop.

4. meet up with old friends.

i still have a lot to work on, especially on what to do when lapses strike me. i treat myself right now as an ongoing project, and when i am done i'm sure i will be as good as i was nearly 3 months ago. =)

TTYL,

the excuse that i hate the most.

"I don't have time!"

it's frustrating whenever i hear people say that excuse. time, of course, is a finite resource and it's conceivable that you could have run out of it. but what is most irritating is that the people that most use this excuse are the lazy procrastinating types who would rather make excuses than actually do the task requested.

whenever someone tells me that, i always feel like telling that person "i don't have the time to listen to you say 'you don't have the time' because that is bullshit!"

i mean, come on. who are we fooling here? if it is important to you, you'll make the time. if it is important to you, you'll find the time. if it is important to you, you'll set aside other tasks to attend to it. but let's face it, what you're really saying is that "i have things to attend to, which in my perspective, is a more important task than what you are asking for." worse, it could be "i don't care about finishing that task at all" or in a more personal perspective, "i don't care about you!" which in my opinion is a more acceptable reason than telling me that you don't have the freakin' time.

okay, i'm a hypocrite if i tell you i've never used that excuse in my life. i did. although you will rarely hear me say that line, still, i spend most of my day at home locked up in my room instead of spend time with my family whom i dearly love. i guess self-improvement only comes when we recognize that the flaws that we see in others reflected in ourselves and we make the choice to acknowledge those flaws and strive to improve as a person.

just my two cents.

(i'd probably give more than two, but i just don't have the time!)

TTYL,

there's no such thing as 'meant to be.'

two days ago i went to watch "(500) Days of Summer" @ glorietta. i was informed not to see the film with someone whom i just started dating since it will just draw out every doubt in my mind with the person sitting next to me. however, if i am pretty confident with the guy, then by all means watch the film with him.

i watched the movie with him. now, i'm not sure what's running through his head while watching it but i can't help myself glancing at him everytime the lines hit me. there are two things that stuck to my head while watching it: 1.) the build up. 2.) fate.

1.) the build up

Tom is the type of guy who believes in true love, so much that he blinded himself to the way Summer treated him and the lack of appreciation she had for him by focusing only on the good times they shared and disregarding the poor way she treated him. in life, we are all guilty of the same attitude that Tom displayed. we build the person up in our minds to the point that we believe that the person is made for us. the movie teaches us that sometimes we have to look beyond the fairy tale we think we live in and get feedback from friends about the person we put on a pedestal. it hit me with the reality that it's nearly impossible to make an accurate assessment of a person when such strong emotions are involved.

2.) fate

Summer mentioned how she could have been anywhere else in the world, but that coffeehouse. she could have arrived just a couple minutes later and she would have never met "the one," but it was because of “fate” that she ended up where she did when she did. she also mentioned about being engaged so quickly because she woke up one morning and just knew what she was never sure of during the many months she was with Tom. i remember saying "ouch..." when Summer said those lines. and i just nodded slowly, knowing how true was that in real life. i have encountered a lot of couples who got married in just months of being together, and some of them used to be in a relationship for 6-7 years and yet the idea of marriage never crossed their minds.

there's no such thing as soulmates. if you close your mind to that belief then you have to be prepared for the biggest heartbreak of your life. being real and keeping your eyes open is a big factor in finding your true love. he/she have to appreciate all your flaws and love you even without a tiara or a wand. fairy tales don't come true, and there will be times that both of you will not live happily ever after.

on our way out of the cinema, we are both smiling. it's a chick flick so i don't know if he was able to comprehend the lessons of the movie. then he looked at me in the eye and told me he missed me and that he wants to be with me.

and there i was, blinded once again.

TTYL,

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare.

you've got to hand it to beyonce for telling me that my guilty pleasure ain't going nowhere. oh well, it's not normal anyways to be where i am right now. i admit, i'm addicted. and as time goes by, it only makes me crave for more. however, i am worried about how this will take me. and until now, the only possible answer that i could get was: this will take me nowhere.

as beyonce sings:

♫ You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Either way I don't wanna wake up from you ♫

i have already gone through the extremities of most things, so i figured i should gamble. all-in. and this time what i am most afraid of is expecting the unexpected. i may have a straight flush, but what if the other has the royal flush? i am so screwed. and it's only a matter of time before all cards are laid down. tick-tock!

i have invested quite much already, i am hoping to get my return of investment pretty soon. =)

TTYL,

i'm walking away.

time to part-ay! =)

it's nearing december and i can't wait to be back to my old ways. i guess that's what i needed right now, constant party and booze to make me love singlehood once again. i needed a change in atmosphere, to be anywhere but here. i want to be positive that things will fall back into place for me, maybe not now but i'm looking forward to it. maybe God is preparing me for something much much better, not necessarily love but things that can finally put a permanent smile to my face.

i miss the perky me.

i am going to miss everything that i am about to turn my back on. it's not my wish to do it, but i have to, to keep my sanity intact. it's about time to look for my own happiness. most of the people i care for have found theirs, and it just sucks that i am not part of it. i may not be visible to them but they will always be a part of me and continue to cheer them on from afar.

maybe goodbyes wasn't so bad after all. maybe it was coined for something that has to end so that something better can enter the scene and make me feel contented with who i am.

TTYL,