Meditation experience

Meditation... I still have a long way to practice.. Although I have not been practicing that regularly in sitting form, yet I do the best to practice in daily life such as walking and eating. I was not used to participate in mindfulness thingy until 2 years back, one of the experience in a retreat had me intrigued-- the absorption experience. Initially I was so much annoyed by the weather and noises (minor construction at the place), my mind kept drifting away, and I always felt sleepy.

There was an afternoon, I sat at the open meditation hall, tried to cope with the pain and numbness, body ache, sweating and monkey mind. I put effort to keep focusing on my breathing every time the mind has drifted. There was a point that the 'kind-of' absorption happened, the body ache and leg numbness gone in that moment, and I was not disturbed by the warm weather and the noises surrounding me at all. I didn't know what was it, but I was surprised and excited at the same time.

I aware that I had intentionally regulate my breathing that time, the intention on focusing to put effort in doing that in fact wasn't really right, I believe. But, that personal encounter helped me to reflect and share with my experienced teacher. I wasn't crave for that experience after the retreat, I would rather to 'let it be', and continue to practice whenever I can and investigate it.

I thought, things could be fine after I practice meditation, No, never expect and desire for that. It is always ourselves- the mind cling on something, crave for something, when we couldn't get it and yes, there would be different kind of emotions arise. I continue experienced stressed, anxiety due to certain reason which I aware of.

Last year, there was one time my anxious feeling arise, I sat at my working station felt uneasy with the anxious feeling, quietly waiting until the feeling faded. It happened a few times, I started to ponder and decided to join a slightly longer retreat at Gambang, without my friend. I used to sign up for this vipassana 5 years ago, but couldn't make it due to health condition (and psychologically I believe).

The first 3 days was focusing on mindful breathing, my first night was really wide awake after the meditation, hence my mind started to wonder how could I sleep? This sleeping issue had distracted me during the evening session, I did not aware that I was carrying the 'worry' with me. I thought I disciplined myself to fully participate the retreat is good enough, I aware that my craving for food was not that prominent than "will i be able to sleep"-- I carried it with me.

No phone and books, no electronic devices and noble silence in fact help a lot to make me experienced certain degree of agitation, bored-ness, increased my awareness of the things/people I attach to. I even cried on the second day in my room. It is you, being with you.

Without much distraction, it helps me to aware that my mind was whispering a lot. Being a typical introvert person in a typical extrovert group, you will find yourself become a non typical extrovert kind of introvert person in a typical introvert group of people. There was this mild urge to speak.

Vipassana, to see things as they really are. 4th days started to learn vipassana (body scanning), there were time the mind was clear and bright, there were time experienced discomfort. There was a night felt the sleep signal and sensation slowly arise and the mind was watching it and fell asleep.

Self-practice, there were time the body sensation became so heavy, I was sitting, 'watching', and be with the heaviness feeling, the mind said: what is it?
Consulted experienced teacher, and did some reading, it's just one of the elements, need not pay attention to it.
There was a time, you aware that you are meditating, the mind aware that it is boring, there was this point, the mind asked who is meditating? The feeling of who is meditating drew my attention to share again with my teacher.

Knower awares the knowing process and the known object？ 知知知？

Who is the knower? Investigate it.

Split (DID)

上映好一阵子的一部人格分裂(或是其他类似名称）- SPLIT (觉得这标题也比较容易吸引大众买票观看-若换成Dissociative Identity Disorder 可能没有那么的好票？）
昨晚终于在还没有下画前，被他人带去观赏了这一部片。

以前的我会在一上映时就会兴致勃勃地买票看戏，近期却有点提不起这一种兴致。友人也问了问为什么。我只能说，这DID虽然还是属于比较少的案件，但是因为在辅导业里有经历过一些个案的disorder (当然不是这一个DID,而是其他disorder已经被diagnosed，和还未被diagnosed），记忆犹新，那种经验虽然是‘可遇不可求’ （还是觉得宁愿没有发生过），心灵上都折腾，累。所以观看这一部时还是会想起一些事情。

话说这部戏的导演是因Billy Milligan 24人格分裂inspired而拍这一部电影，男主角演得很棒，但是，therapist这一块就有很大的保留。好奇的是，
1）怎么感觉上therapist的‘诊所’也就是她住处，
2）怎么只是她一个人？ （因为安全的因素，需要有其他比如行政的，助力，或是其他治疗师在治疗中心）
3）怎么她一个人会在夜晚自个儿去病人的住处‘探望’？
4）人真的可以启发分裂到成为‘野兽’吗？（吃人，可能啦。爬墙？也可能啦。 人格分裂出来的也可以是不同国籍不同性别他不同年代的人。如果是真的可以分裂成野兽那么会非常的恐怖）

辅导/治疗师需要在安全问题前提下思考和planning。
当然，这部只是一部psychological horror movie.
头一次和友人看戏，第一次听她看完戏后一路上回到家都说很怕，很心寒看到这样的戏。（鬼戏她都没有觉得那么的心寒和害怕）
友人问：这会是遗传的吗？
不是，很多时候是在小时候受过严重创伤而导致头脑里可能分裂出不同的人来自我保护等等(quote Hedwig人格说的et.cet.ra) 。
有兴趣的也可以上网自己找找看DID的历史，相信很久以前也就有了，外国个案比较多。

也有些评论过hysteria也可能是其中之一，其实很多时候这些disorder可能会合并(comorbidity), 当然我不是精神科医生(psychiatrist)。
还是觉得，每一个人的well-being真的很重要，尤其是小孩子开始。
心理健康的推广还是需要更多人的支持来减少社会的标签。