Meditation... I still have a long way to practice.. Although I have not been practicing that regularly in sitting form, yet I do the best to practice in daily life such as walking and eating. I was not used to participate in mindfulness thingy until 2 years back, one of the experience in a retreat had me intrigued-- the absorption experience. Initially I was so much annoyed by the weather and noises (minor construction at the place), my mind kept drifting away, and I always felt sleepy.
There was an afternoon, I sat at the open meditation hall, tried to cope with the pain and numbness, body ache, sweating and monkey mind. I put effort to keep focusing on my breathing every time the mind has drifted. There was a point that the 'kind-of' absorption happened, the body ache and leg numbness gone in that moment, and I was not disturbed by the warm weather and the noises surrounding me at all. I didn't know what was it, but I was surprised and excited at the same time.
I aware that I had intentionally regulate my breathing that time, the intention on focusing to put effort in doing that in fact wasn't really right, I believe. But, that personal encounter helped me to reflect and share with my experienced teacher. I wasn't crave for that experience after the retreat, I would rather to 'let it be', and continue to practice whenever I can and investigate it.
I thought, things could be fine after I practice meditation, No, never expect and desire for that. It is always ourselves- the mind cling on something, crave for something, when we couldn't get it and yes, there would be different kind of emotions arise. I continue experienced stressed, anxiety due to certain reason which I aware of.
Last year, there was one time my anxious feeling arise, I sat at my working station felt uneasy with the anxious feeling, quietly waiting until the feeling faded. It happened a few times, I started to ponder and decided to join a slightly longer retreat at Gambang, without my friend. I used to sign up for this vipassana 5 years ago, but couldn't make it due to health condition (and psychologically I believe).
The first 3 days was focusing on mindful breathing, my first night was really wide awake after the meditation, hence my mind started to wonder how could I sleep? This sleeping issue had distracted me during the evening session, I did not aware that I was carrying the 'worry' with me. I thought I disciplined myself to fully participate the retreat is good enough, I aware that my craving for food was not that prominent than "will i be able to sleep"-- I carried it with me.
No phone and books, no electronic devices and noble silence in fact help a lot to make me experienced certain degree of agitation, bored-ness, increased my awareness of the things/people I attach to. I even cried on the second day in my room. It is you, being with you.
Without much distraction, it helps me to aware that my mind was whispering a lot. Being a typical introvert person in a typical extrovert group, you will find yourself become a non typical extrovert kind of introvert person in a typical introvert group of people. There was this mild urge to speak.
Vipassana, to see things as they really are. 4th days started to learn vipassana (body scanning), there were time the mind was clear and bright, there were time experienced discomfort. There was a night felt the sleep signal and sensation slowly arise and the mind was watching it and fell asleep.
Self-practice, there were time the body sensation became so heavy, I was sitting, 'watching', and be with the heaviness feeling, the mind said: what is it?
Consulted experienced teacher, and did some reading, it's just one of the elements, need not pay attention to it.
There was a time, you aware that you are meditating, the mind aware that it is boring, there was this point, the mind asked who is meditating? The feeling of who is meditating drew my attention to share again with my teacher.
Knower awares the knowing process and the known object？ 知知知？
Who is the knower? Investigate it.
