Corona Virus

I have a lot more time on my hands these days. Today is officially the second day of quarantine for the Corona Virus outbreak. As of today, only 7 cases have been reported. The cancelled school for the rest of the week. Next week is Spring break, and then I guess we will see what happens. Last Thursday, they cancelled church for who knows how long, and most restaurants are closing their dining areas and only doing drive thrus and take out. Toilet paper of all things is all gone from the stores. Depending on which store you go and what time, you can find the necessities like milk, butter, cheese, eggs and meat products. It's kind of a strange time right now, not sure exactly what we can and cannot do, except really don't go anywhere and stay in the house.

The kids are doing great. I think we will be okay as long as they have things to keep them busy. They love watching shows and they love playing outside, so between the two of those things, we can keep pretty entertained. We have lots of resources for learning and staying busy that way too. We really do live in a great time. Wade is still contracted so he will be getting paid. A lot of people are getting laid off and it's a scary time for many. It seems like each day there is something new and crazy being announced of something closing or a new restriction. We are just taking it one day at at time, and hoping for the best.

Our Missed Miscarriage

Thursday, August 1st, Wade and I walked into the Healing Sanctuary for our first ultrasound at 9 weeks. We hadn't told very many people we were pregnant at this time, and we were excited to see our little babe. I was a little anxious going into the ultrasound, because we had been trying to figure out insurance stuff all morning. I had lost my card, so I was calling the company trying to get my Id and group numbers, but had been placed on hold, transferred here and there..etc. Anyway, we walked into the appointment and I filled out the necessary paperwork. 

The ultra sound tech called us back and we followed her downstairs to the room. She had me undress and started asking Wade how many pregnancies, how they went, how old the kids were, etc. He told her everything had gone really well in the past, 2 pregnancies, Ivy and Max ages 5 and 2. I came out and she started moving the doppler around. On the screen, I saw the cutest little gummy bear. It made me smile and I was so excited to see it. It wasn't moving though. It was just there. I stared at the big screen and just watched as the tech turned her head, took some measurements, turned her head, and took some more measurements. I knew something wasn't right. Then she turned on the sound of the heartbeat. Static. She took a few more measurements, and then said she would be right back and that she was going to get Dr. Baker. 

I turned to Wade and said, "this is not good.." and  he said, "I don't think she can find the heartbeat." I immediately felt so sick. I put my hand to my forehead and just stared at the ceiling. Dr. Baker came in about 3 minutes later. He asked the tech to replay the ultra sound and grabbed my arm and said "They baby is measuring at 8 weeks 2 days, so the embryo has very recently died. There is no heartbeat. I'm so sorry, but you'll be miscarrying this baby. " I lost it. I full on lost it. The Dr. was holding my arm, wade holding my shoulder and the tech rubbing my knee. He started saying things like, "It's nothing you did, it's not your fault, 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, something didn't form right, it's not your fault, it's nothing you did, I'm sorry." I could not focus. I'm so glad Wade was there because I could not process everything that was happening all at once. He then went in to tell my options. My options were wait 4-6 weeks and let it pass naturally or I could schedule a D&C at the hospital. He left and the nurse gave us the paper to check out. I couldn't get myself to walk up to the front desk. She offered to let us out the back door, and I sobbed the entire way out. 

I cried in the car in the parking lot with Wade for over 20 minutes. We went on a long drive, and I cried. I'm not an emotional person, I feel everything, but I don't express it through tears. They would not stop. And they didn't stop for at least 3 days. I could not get it together. I asked Wade how he was feeling and at the time, just told me everything I needed to hear. "It's not your fault, it's not supposed to be, I love you..etc." Later he expressed his sadness and that he's trying to see the big picture through it all. He's been such a great support for me. He never left my side, he never questioned why I was so sad. He just was there, and really that's all I needed. 

We went to pick up the kids from my moms and I couldn't get myself to get out of the car. I had a huge headache from crying, I couldn't breathe right because truly, I was so sad. My mom came out and gave me a big hug and just held me. She cried with me. She didn't say much, but I didn't need her to. She took the kids for the rest of the day, and pretty much every day for the last week. It was so appreciated and needed. 

If I could describe this whole experience in one word, it would be "sad." Everything about it, every aspect from hearing it, delivering it, talking about it, dealing with it, and thinking about it is so sad. So incredibly sad. I've luckily not had the guilt of "Was it my fault? Was it something I did/didn't do?" which has been a huge blessing. I mostly struggle with the loneliness of not being pregnant. I struggle with the thought of what it could have looked like or been. 

We told Ivy about the baby not having a heartbeat. She cried. She asked a lot of questions about how the baby is going to come out if it's not alive and if it would hurt me. She was really concerned about that. She said, "Do you think you can go to the Dr. to take care of that, I really don't want to hear you be sad if it hurts." And then the saddest part came. I asked her a few days ago how she was feeling. She looked at me and said, "hold on a sec, mama" and then made her two hands into a heart shape. Then she broke her hands apart. And then she started to cry. She is the most sensitive and tender hearted soul and I love her for that. It's been a sad week around here to say the least. 

I've learned so much over the last week. It feels like an eternity. The days have been slow and sad. But I've learned so much. I've learned the more open I am with the process, the easier it is to heal. The more open I've been, the more people I've been able to connect and relate with. So many people in my life that I am close to have gone through the exact same experience and I had no idea. So many people struggle with this multiple times, again and again and you'd never know their inner struggle. If 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, why isn't it talked about more? I want anyone to know who might be struggling with this, recent or not, multiple times or just once, D&C or natural, whatever, I am here for you. I would love to talk. I would love to hear your experience. I would love your advice. 

I talked to my brother who is an OBGYN in Texas. He mentioned Cytotec/Misoprotol which is a pill to help soften the cervix to help the embryo pass. It's supposed to make your cramp and bleed, and then eventually pass it. I opted that route, only because I did not want to pay 4,000-6,000 for a D&C. I also didn't think I could wait 4-6 weeks to have it pass on its own. I was really nervous to take the Cytotec because I had taken Cervidil (both similar) with Ivy before I was going to deliver her and it made me go into labor, full on contractions. I asked wade to give me a blessing the night before I took it, and our friend Mike came over and Wade cried through the entire blessing. I cried through the entire thing. It was just a really sweet experience, and like I’ve said before, this experience would have been so hard with out him. I don’t even want to think about it. The Cytotec hasn't worked well and my body is not processing the pill like it's supposed to. My hormones have leveled out a bit (and I literally mean only a bit), and I've come to terms with just letting my body naturally pass it on its own. So that's where we are right now, taking things a day at a time. 

This whole experience has been eye opening on so many levels, and even though it’s been so incredibly sad, it’s been humbling and inspiring and is continuing to help me become who I’m supposed to be. Is that so cheesy? I can’t help it. But you know, when you go through a huge trial, that’s what it does to you, fortunately, and unfortunately. It's helped Wade and I to be more empathetic and understanding. And everybody knows neither of those are my strengths. I know we have a long road ahead and it’s not over. I know some things have been taken from me that I can never get back. For example, the peace of going into the doctor’s office for an ultra sound will forever give me anxiety and stress, even thinking about that and typing it out sends me into panic mode. I also feel like my body in a way has betrayed me. What I mean by that is…Overall I feel like I am emotionally stable, physically healthy and I feel like I could have given this baby an amazing  life. I didn’t see any warning signs, and pain or anything, and with that, I still feel rejected by my own body. It all comes in waves, and the best thing I can do is talk it out with people, pray, and literally take it one day at a time. 

Thank you so much to everyone who has brought cookies. COOKIES. so many cookies. People know me. Thanks for the dinners, treats, cards, bright boxes, texts, prayers, shared experiences, but mostly the HUGS. I have needed the hugs. We have needed the hugs. Whenever I get one recently, I just cry. It's been so inspiring to see people who hear about our loss and offer any type of help. It's been so appreciated. 

 Love, 

Karly + Wade

Max + Ivy

EDIT: Sunday August 25th. 
WARNING: Mild Graphic descriptions 
Some of you have been asking for updates and asking how we have been and what you can do to help. I thought I'd update here at the bottom and let everyone know (who wants to know) what's going on. 

I took 3 different days of Cytotec. The first day I had bleeding and cramping, but nothing else. The second day I took it (a few days later), my body pretty much rejected the pills. They came out whole in my urine the next day. So that was weird. I called the doctor again and he said this would probably be the last time he would prescribe it to me before a D&C. Sunday night, before I took the last dose I just said a prayer that went something like, "Heavenly Father, Thank you for allowing me carry this baby for this long, but I need it gone, I want it out of my system so I can move on and process.." I fell asleep and an hour later I felt like I needed to push. It was the weirdest. I ran to the bathroom and within 20 seconds, everything came out. Everything. I started crying because of how much ..everything came out. I thought I was going to die of blood loss or something. It was scary. And sad. Sooo sad. But after it happened, I felt this wave of relief. Relief of my body from holding in so much pressure, but also relief of my mind. I didn't realize how much I needed that baby out and gone. I couldn't move on mentally or emotionally until that happened. The next day, I had my mom take the kids and had a day all to myself to just figure out what happened..relax..think..pray..and then from then on, I was able to move forward. I feel better, my body feels better..my mind isn't foggy, cloudy, sad, tired.. It's just been good. 
Good as it can be. 
I have lots of moments that just hurt still. I've seen a few March pregnancy announcements on facebook and that makes me a little sad because that was supposed to be me. But I also learned so much about that too. You never know what others are going through, especially if they don't choose to be vocal about it. I've learned so much about miscarriage terms, procedures, ect. I've connected with many people who have experienced exactly what I'm going through. People I'm close with. People I've never met. It's been a learning experience I hope I never have to go through again, but can honestly say I'm thankful for it because of everything I've learned. God is good. He loves me. He loves my family. He knew that baby was too perfect to be here on earth. I know that. Like I said, I still have moments, but seeing the bigger picture sure lightens it up a little. We call this baby our sunshine baby. It has shown us both to see the sunshine in everyday. There's so much to be thankful for and I've gone too long without appreciating the small things. 
So that's where we are right now. Some have asked if we will try again. Right now, we are just focusing on our two littles we have now. Time will tell. :) 

Max's Birth Story

Where do I start? It's been a minute since I've blogged (cough* almost a year). Max's pregnancy overall was great. I was teaching for the majority of the time, so that was a good way for the time to pass. We spent most of June getting things ready for the baby.  When I found out I was pregnant, I told myself I did not want to get induced. Ivy's labor and delivery was difficult, mostly because I went into it knowing nothing about anything, and mostly because I waited until the very last minute to get my epidural and spent most of the labor in a lot of unnecessary pain. 

So, the plan was to go into labor on my own, and if I wanted an epidural, I would get one, and if I labored mostly at home, I wouldn't, etc. But when it's 90 degrees outside, and you're waddling around, chasing a 3 year old, coaching t-ball and your doctor offers to induce you early because he will be out of town, you just say yes. Well, you might not have, but I did. And I just don't even regret it!

We got to the hospital at 6am and got all checked in. After we got checked in, we met our nurse Sally and she gave me a small dose of pitocin. Within 5 minutes, I started feeling contractions. Every half hour, she would come in and give me another dose of it..(small doses, per Dr. Bakers orders.) By 10am, I was at a 4 and when she asked me if I was ready for my epidural, I hesitated. I was feeling minor cramps, similar to when I'm on my period, so I shook my head and told her I was okay. She told me that it's better to get one before the contractions come on because it's easier to deliver the epidural that way. I instantly had flashbacks to Ivy's labor, when I was at a 7, bent over and shaking in between contractions, waiting for my epidural. So, after that lovely memory, I immediately changed my mind. 

The epidural went in around 10:15, Dr. Baker came at 10:30 and broke my water. From then on out, I was just hanging out, waiting for something to happen.  Around 1:00, I heard a baby crying outside of our door. Then I immediately lost it, like cried like a baby! It's like it all just hit me that a baby was coming and it was ours, and soon I wouldn't be pregnant anymore, and soon I would hear that sound in our own room from my own child! Dr. Baker came in again around 12 and checked me and told me he would be back around 2. Sure enough, 2:00 came and everyone was getting everything ready for the delivery. Dr. Baker came in, and told me to push. I pushed for two contractions and then, get this, he says, "give me just a half a push..." and out came baby Max. Seriously. Two pushes. I don't even know what happened, it just happened so fast. 

Immediately the nurse put baby Max on my chest and he screamed and screamed and screamed. At this point, we didn't know what we were going to call him yet. We had the names Max and Eli on the list, but we weren't for sure on one name. After he was screaming for about 20 minute straight, we nicknamed him Mad Max. Then we knew for sure that was his name when they placed him on the scale and he was a whopping 9 pounds even! When Dr. Baker was delivering him, he said "wow, that is a big baby!" And when I asked him how much he thinks he weighs, his guess was 8 pounds, 13 ounces. So he was pretty close! 

It was just crazy-- This delivery was so calm and quick. I remember Wade telling him he was nervous and had a pit in his stomach all day. He mentioned how great it was for him to not see me in pain this go around. All around, I would probably go this route again. We were both able to enjoy it more because we both knew a little more of what was going on and the fact that I got my epidural sooner just made everything go smoother. 

Shortly after he was born, we called my mom and she Brought Ivy over to come see him. The look on her face was priceless. These pictures are amazing and worth every single penny! I will get you in contact with Aja Jemmett our photographer if you want a birth story photographer! We love each and every picture she took! 

The recovery this go around has been a little rough. I always feel like I'm doing great and then I realize, hey..I'm not quite recovered. And then it takes me longer to get better. I mean, this kid WAS 9 pounds.. I just hate laying around and not getting up and doing things. 

Max has seriously been a dream though. He has the sweetest little presence about him, cries when he's hungry or needs changed, and sleeps like a champ. Nursing is going great so far, and he loves his big sister. 

Ivy is adjusting. She sometimes acts like she's on crack when people are around. She's adjusting to the fact that people aren't there to see her, and she needs some extra attention right now. She always wants to hold him, especially when other people are holding him. (she gets really protective of him). She loves to pick out his pajamas at night time. She hardly ever calls him Max, she calls him brother. "Mom, can I hold brother?" She loves him. 

Wade has been so great, he is constantly picking up after all of us, doing the dishes, changing diapers, burping Max, holding Max, running errands, taking Ivy out of the house, etc. I just love him, he is such a great dad and husband! 

Ivy turns 3!

How? I don't even know! She requested a unicorn party, so I attempted some kind of cake (my first one) and it turned out okay, surprisingly! She had all of her grandparents there, and some of our friends came, and of course, Uncle Koy and Aunt Katee & Mike! 

Some things about Ivy Bug

-she's 36 pounds

-wearing 4t and 5t clothes

-wearing size 8-9 shoes

-she started preschool this fall and she LOVES her teacher Mrs. Terri. 

-She is doing well at Keri's house and loves playing with her friends Kennedy, Hazel & Graham. 

-She got glasses on August 29th this year and so far is doing really well with them! The first couple days it was really hard for her to want to keep them on. She kept calling them goggles and was thinking she only needed to wear them when she went swimming. Now she keeps them on like a champ, and she loves to clean them. 

- She can sign & point out the letters, E, I, F, & L. 

-She loves to be read to (as always) 

-She is an amazing singer ha ha, and she comes up with some pretty fantastic songs. She is always singing!!

- She doesn't like taking baths because she HATES washing her hair. We had to watch babies on youtube getting their hair washed in the bath, and now she is getting better!

-loves the library and seeing the fish there

- She's a good errand runner! She loves to come to stores and does really well running around town with me.

-She's LOVES little kids. She calls them buddy and talks so sweet to them. 

-She can point out her name if it's written on paper and can draw an I

-She has an amazing memory. For example, we passed pizza pie cafe & she says "Mom, one time we went there and Dory was on the window. And we saw daddys friend Sean." We had been there plenty of times since that time, but yes, Finding Dory was painted on the window and we had a short encounter with one of Wades co-workers. She just amazes me. Things like that happen on the daily. Her ability to remember details is amazing! 

- She has a tender heart. She doesn't like when people get hurt and she is very sensitive (still). She gets her feelings hurt very easily, especially if someone acts like they are mad or raises their voice.

-She loves to color & look at pictures

-She has started saying words like "freakin'" (whoops!) and "ridiculous"

-She has an imaginary friend named P.J. She's a girl. And she locks doors...and forgets to look for cars when she crosses the street. But don't worry, Ivy always gets after her for those things! ;)

-We love her! She is pretty close to perfect in my eyes! (I mean, except around bed time, but hey.) She is an important part of our family, and we wouldn't be complete without her! Love you Ivy Mae Mae! 

Summer is here again! It's crazy! It's crazy because the 4th of July has come and gone already, and you know what that means..school is right around the corner! Woweee! Wade is halfway through his Masters program at NNU! That is so exciting! He is pretty much amazing, working full time and going to school full time and always making time for me and Ives!

..speaking of that little Ivy Bug! She is HUGE! Holy smokes, she is growing like a weed! She says the most hilarious things and keeps both of us on our toes, ALWAYS! She is such a sassy little thing, but she's well behaved and is a good little girl when she wants to be! ;) Her favorite things include playing in her splash pool, going to the library, playing matching game, watching Sofia, Bo-On the go, & Strawberry Shortcake, buckling her carseat by herself, going to dance class (she calls it the dance party), swinging (oh, man, when do kids learn to push themselves!!?), and coloring!

This school year was AMAZING! We had a great group of kids leave Cloverdale this year and I was actually really sad to see them go! (well, most of them anyways! ;) We thought it would be a good idea to have a 6th grade graduation, more of like a goodbye for the 6th graders. I mean, it's hard for us teachers because it's not like any other young grade when you get to see them and talk to them the next year...after 6th grade, they head into the middle school and turn into super CRAZIES! The graduation was so fun and not going to lie, a little sad! Like I said, a great group of kids! They have set the bar for the kids next year, but I'm excited! I think about school all the time in the summer! :)

For the Fourth of July this year, we started off our day by running the Firekracker race..this was our 5th year! Pretty crazy! We ran with Darren and Koy this year! I of course, came in last out of the four, but hey, the slowest one gets the most pictures! Duh! I finished in 29:10 which I think is my fastest time so far! Annnnd everyone else came in before that so, theres that. ;) Afterwards, we stayed and watched the parade with Dani and Ty and his fam, and then we went to down to Firth to change and get ready. We watched the Indian Relay races at the fairgrounds and then came back and had a BBQ with dad and Lori at Darren and Carries house. We stayed there for a bit and played yard games, but we were all pooped! We were planning on going and watching the Fireworks, but we were just too tired..We drove up on Iona Hill and just watched them from a distance. They were literally like, the size of a quarter from where we were, but it was fun. Ivy crashed, as per the usual during the fireworks. Then we went home and basically fell asleep in 3 seconds flat. ;)

We are preparing for our Spudman Triathlon that is coming up WAY too soon! We want to go to Washington that same weekend, so that is the plan!

Can't believe it's already been a year since Grandpa Bennion passed away! Time flies, and I really miss him. I was looking for some pictures of us together and it caused me to really think about him and the memories that I've had with him over the years. I sure love him!

Kylee got married this summer and I was able to take her pictures! She looked beautiful and I'm so happy for her!

Kylee and Scott and Nate and Nicole both had their babies! It's been way fun to see all of our friends with their kids and we are excited that Ivy will be able to play with them in a few years!!