My Digital World

I dunno where I should start. My head is now very empty and something happened to me this week, which makes me very very tired. It is not because of work. It is not because of love. It is about a fact that I could not accept until a few hours back.

In the summer of 2010, I was very happy that I could go to Singapore and Malaysia for vacation. The last visit was 4 years back. I was very excited to catch up with friends and family. I was also excited to meet the local 'models'.

One of the models I met, was very special. She gave me an impression of a career minded & mature girl. A girl who knew well how to make the correct steps to achieve her goal. Her look was very different than other typical Asian girls. She got a very sharp face.

When I went back to Holland, we still kept in touch by Facebook and Whatsapp. I remember that she said that she envied me because I can work with so many pretty female models. She also joked about that she must be one of the pretty girls I know. Although, I did not admit that at that moment, but in my heart she really belonged to one of them.

The last chat with her was almost 5 months back. At that time, she lost a lot of weight. She tried to put some weight. She happily shared with me that she gained 1 kg. But life was more than about the look. Her best friend got in deep trouble. She tried to help him in every aspect. I did ask her if she liked that guy, since I really do think she crossed over the road as a good friend. But she said no. She told me that she could not see his good friend's father suffer. That made her very very very tired. I told her to take good care of herself. She smiled and replied that she will do that.

I didn't know that that was my last chat with her...the week after that chat, another model friend contacted me via Facebook. That model friend brought me the worst news ever. She said she hear that my model friend passed by. I was totally shocked and I could not believe that this could be true. My heart was jumping very fast and my head started cooking. I logged in Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp to contact my friend. My heart jumped even faster when I noticed that her Facebook and Twitter account had been deactivated. I tried to calm down myself and I tried to use my brain to see what else I can do. Without any doubt, I tried to call her. But there was no response. I text her. But there was no reply. This is not the way of how it should be!

Sadly, I felt I was lost. What could happen to her? I heard it was a suicide. How could this be true? She is a very sensible girl. What came to her mind to end her life? There are many many questions I want to ask her. There are many and many things I want to share with her. Both of us work on our career. She said that she knows that I will reach my goal. She gave me her sweet smile and support by every achievement. I am proud of her performance at school. I feel honor to allow to do a photoshoot with her when I come to Singapore this year, since she became FHM nr.1 model. Both of career look very bright. But why did she stop the journey with me?

I am not a person who will easily give. I google and google, trying to look for the answer: is it true that my friend passed by? I know the chance that the answer is NO is very very small. But at least there is a very very small change of NO. I told myself that I should not be mad at her of whatever if the answer is NO. But this time the truth is something I should accept.

I found a girl on internet who seemed to be 'friend' with her. She wrote a blog about her. I contact that girl by sending her a message on Facebook. Today, at 7pm I got a reply of that girl. Loa Tian Ye took that 1% away.

Inside my heart, I am very sad. Imagine what the probability is to meet someone who becomes a friend of you. Although we are just an ordinary friend, I really do care about her.No matter what happened to my friend, I will give my both hands. Why didn't she ask for my hands?

Fact is sometimes very tough to face. We all need to learn how to accept it. If we have a second life, I hope you will have a happier life. If we have heaven, let Loa Tian Ye protect you. I know you don't like feeling weak. But let someone protecting you is something that is called "xinfu". If you can read this, I want to tell you that I will always remember you. I hope you do well in wherever you are now. And I really do miss you!