the funny things in life

so...here it is...about 10 months since my last post. lots has gone on in my life, and most of you don't even know where i am living now. lets just say it's a place where there will end up being about 8 inches of snow or more this evening, it's big, and it's one of the most beautiful places i know...guess it yet? good 'ol Chicago. starting my life for the first time it feels. my job(s) are glorious, my family is awesome, and i have been able to do tons of art. most of that art is in progress because i get ideas and start them...then lose track of time to finish. however, this evening i have made a pot of tea and am cleaning up all of those loose ends. it feels good.

i don't even really know why i am posting again. a good friend of mine hightailed it over to England for the semester...that maybe it ;) i am not the best at talking about myself or my day...so who knows what will come out of these fingertips of mine as they swiftly move across this keyboard.

those of you who don't know, just to get you up to date, i work at a school in lake forest and coach there. substitute quite a bit and run to soccer clinics a week. one for pre-k and kindergarten, and the other for 1st and 2nd graders. i coach jr high sports - field hockey, basketball, and soccer in the right seasons. and i work at olive garden when i can. that's all i am doing right now. i am also looking into grad school for paramedic stuff or k-12 pe. i really don't know what i am doing, so input would be appreciated.

other than that life is simple. i may just make this my arts and crafts blog because there's isn't anything special to write about. so, art. and then an occasional bit or two about life. maybe. if you're lucky.

so here are some paintings i am working on...not finished yet, but will be this evening and i will post those pictures. along with a couple other random things and some snow pictures from today! :) aren't you so lucky.

sunset on the pavement...


this is a series...i am melting the crayons tonight...







how i taught a 5th grade class their verb phrases...! haha.


and now...snow things! not the best, but it was getting dark...

wow!

it has been a while! lets see, i now work at olive garden! its fun and its a great place to work. also, i have an interview tomorrow for "assistant golf professional"...SO excited about that one. i will only take it if it will actually be worth my time driving all the way to lincolnshire. who knows. but things are going well. learning a lot now, too. don't go out much so i am pretty much confined to work an home because of zero money. but its okay...i am paying the bills!

but yeah...that's what's going on...work and chilling out, and wishing these gas prices would go down. :P i don't have much to write on. i am actually trying to get back into art stuff. i am working on a drawing right now which is pretty cool so far. i will post it when i am done. i also want to sell some of my duck tape creations....they are pretty cool! :)

anyways, who reads this? i'd kinda like to know...! :) <3

a new season.

well, here i am. in a new season. living in kenosha. and with that comes the unknown for the very first time in my life. i have no job, but am actively searching...which is honestly going well (applied to be an assistant soccer coach today! still waiting on others...). God is definitely testing me...it's hard, but i kinda am enjoying it...just pressing into Him and learning, ya know? and through this time...i am hurting. i am going to try and explain it...it's a good hurt...but bad, too.

moving into my pastor's house was a unique experience. definitely so very perfect, but it wasn't until tuesday morning did i fully understand a deep fear that i have. i am so blessed to be here and am loving every minute of it, but i cry every night. tuesday morning when i woke up, the kids were eating breakfast and karen was on the computer doing her mom thing. even though it was said that i am part of the family, i still feel on the outside. there have been several instances of that nature...and it just kinda pushes into me...sometimes in a mocking way. no, nobody knows this, but it's there. i thought it was gone, but apparently not.

i long to have a family. in the last couple years i have thrived on learning about family, how they should function, discipline of kids, etc. i feel like i have missed out on some things...not having a mom or a dad who was there all the time to help me or guide me...its like i really missed something. my whole childhood was about getting noticed. i got straight a's...they weren't a+'s so i got nothing...sports, that's a whole other can of worms. the best girl on the team, to being the only girl on a boy's traveling team for several years, to playing in college, still got no credit for being someone. it's really setting in now. no matter what i do i feel like it's not good enough, especially for my mom. i told her the other day i had something exciting to say, she asked if i was pregnant, and when i said obviously not, she was kinda upset. i feel like a waste of space sometimes. feel like i am always a burden and can't ever fend for myself. and in all honesty, i am tough and i can do things, but this is the first time i have asked for help. i just...need love.

between not trusting people and not understanding what love really is, i have distanced myself. tonight after dinner gary, karen, and the three kids were sitting in the living room. it was so precious to watch but heart wrenching at the same time. i ended up just doing the dishes to distract myself but couldn't stop thinking about how much i long for that. family dinners, family time, a house full of laughter, joy, peace, and safety, and tomorrow is a family day...and right now i feel like that won't ever happen...or if it will it is so far away. i know God has a plan, and for the first time i am willing to really accept that. that's hard for me to comprehend, but i can't force anything anymore...i am completely submitted. i just...i know things i have gone through have made me strong, but strong in the wrong ways. i am changing that...slowly...but only can through love...and for the first time i think i am finally understanding what it is by being here, as hard as it is.

pretty confused.

i am back home. home meaning kenosha. the place where i feel safe and free to be me. since june, i have slowly been declining into a state of constant walls and frustration. that all culminated today when i walked into work. needless to say i walked right out ten minutes later and drove the 4 hours to my physical safety place.

i am content for the first time since about the beginning of august. i haven't really felt a total peace about being where i was after the summer season - especially with not pursuing my career path or gaining any new skills. that has been so hard. i have learned alot from this experience and will take alot with me, in all - i have grown up. i am still confused and hurt by where i was. a couple things were sudden and abrupt and it made walls go up and made me realize why i didn't like christians until a couple years ago. that is a bold statement, but very honest...and that's who i am. i am real, honest, and open (or thought)...and yet all of that was pushed aside. i refused to be fake, and that in turn made people super mad at me, and well, it is what it is. i also was never allowed to tell my side of stories because i wasn't fake or sucked up. i'm sorry i'm me. i'm sorry i didn't grow up christian (which came up ALOT in conversations, more than i would have liked). if people in authority over me don't lead, how will i (or anyone else around) grow? i don't have a clue what i am doing...at all. i have tried to seek out wisdom from others and still feel closed off because things were kinda still surface with a you'll be find attitude. i dunno, people cared for me but sometimes i didn't feel it. i get in "trouble" and told that i need to be nice. well, okay, when wasn't i nice? so in that, how do i change? yep, never was told. i haven't been able to ask questions, honestly. like today, the last thing after being talked to was, "do you need anything from me?"..."no.". obviously not, i am leaving...except i want to say something! i dunno. sorry, had to vent.

now, i feel alive again. as soon as i hit illinois i felt like myself. my smile came back, my curiosity for life, plans i have been thinking about, just my life was "normal"...as far as "normal" goes. yes, things are a bit crazy, but i like them that way! haha. i am me. i am real, open, honest, outgoing...me...and never want that to change again. i want to work through things from my past...but really wasn't given an opportunity...now, they will be addressed head on. but the problem is, i have put back up a couple of walls...i will admit that, and know what they are...and will put them down when i feel safe. yet, i was hurt yet again. kinda seems to be the normal thing. so, i let things roll off of me easier now...which is good. i forget things when they happen...all is good! i dunno, funny way to think of it, but i like it - no hard feelings, ever.

these next few weeks will be absolutely wonderful. trying to solidify a job and moving in with my pastor and his wife for a bit, then to a house i used to stay at...then to my permanent housing...all in kenosha! :) i get my "family" back. my support and those people who give me the "tough love". i like it most days! haha. but honestly, i am excited for this new chapter in my life. these last few months gave me alot of great material for my book. there are definitely going to be 4 books. at least. i need to get cracking. still on book 1. however, they are kinda deep! making me face alot and fess up to my mistakes. i kinda like it. (and i don't ever think they will be published, just putting that out there). and it's kinda funny that way, which most people don't know about me, its that you ask a question and i will answer honestly. no more fronts or running around questions. i will answer. it needs to be that way. i want myself back. it will take a bit, but being back in my "safe area" with the only people i trust is wonderful.

and where is God in all of this? that's a great question. i have pushed Him aside...i became lost and still am. lost and had no clue what to do. i tried to read my bible once in a while and that made me frustrated because i couldn't sit there and read it...or comprehend anything. that's bad, but that's how unfocused i am/have become/how unlike me this is. i want normalcy...i want to be able to submit again to Him all day everyday, but i am scared. not scared to be confronted or submit or anything, just scared/fearful - like i was when i first accepted Him...and that means really scared. He has my life and i love Him, and i want what He wants for my life. i just pray that i did the right thing. it's scary. but He will use me wherever i am if i let Him. and that is a resounding YES! PLEASE USE ME! now, it's getting back to that place of being with Him. that's where i get stuck. i will do what He says always, but i have a fear. i can't express it into words. i know what it is but i don't know what it is, does that make sense? i am struggling. i want Him back...i want to hear His voice again. i cry because i am so lost and don't know what to do. i want my Father back...i know He is there, but it's not the same these days. i hope that this can all be remedied. i know it can...i just need help to do so.

this maybe a confusing entry, but i needed to let it out...my flow of thought. welcome to my head! :)

service.

"am not i more precious to God than my work, my possessions? God wanted ME, not merely my service"...

i found that on a good friends facebook status...started to make me think...here are my thoughts: (here's about the time where i wish my computer would type what i am thinking...)

i thought this would be a bit longer...but i just have a couple simple things. God wants me...He wants me to love Him and live for Him. i thought that being in a ministry setting would be fulfilling in serving Him and living for Him...but i learned something. i learned that i can't squash my gifts and talents to try to fit into a world that wants to make you conform in a way. make sense?

i could care less about my possessions. was my work in vain at camp because my heart wasn't totally in it? was i serving because i was guilty that i wasn't a strong enough christian or good at anything? well, i kinda have made a decision. it's time for me to give Him me...all of me...who i am at all times...no matter what.

it's time for me to be me again.

yeah...that's all i have to say.

the snow.

as of late, things have been going completely crazy. ever since right after new years my life seems to getting dimmer and dimmer. i am physically, emotionally, and totally spiritually drained. i can't explain it, especially working at a ministry...you'd think we wouldn't be like that. i have only been here since june, and my life is a complete wreck now. (okay, maybe a bit over dramatic, but it is alot different and yeah...) but i am tired of fake people...and people not really caring about me. 2 year olds care about me more than the adults here do. and it's really funny when clara comes into work, makes me laugh (she's 22 months) and then continues to cuddle me and hug me for the next 20 minutes...just what i needed.

i don't have any desire to do anything. the only things i get excited about are my day off (if i get one), soccer on wednesdays and thursdays, and teaching on tuesdays. that's what really keeps me going, because working here i feel like i am bound down, and not being able to use any of my gifts. once in a while i'll get to do an art project or two, do photography for brochures/online tours, and run the rock wall...but those projects are so few, it makes me lose hope that i'll get to do anything i want/am gifted in. i know, kinda am being a bit selfish, but when you work 60+ hours a week at a ministry, i feel you have a little right to be selfish...pour into yourself a little. maybe?

sometimes i feel that a year long committment was the wrong thing...that i should have only stayed through december/the new years conference. and honestly, things were hard that semester, but definitely felt a peace about being here - i learned alot. however, now, i don't feel a peace about anything. my prayers are frequent...but more something along the lines of - "help me...i don't know what i am doing". i thought that my dream job was basically just handed to me on a silver platter - obviously i had to do interviews and stuff, but all of a sudden they stopped talking to me. i don't understand, i don't know why, but that was a major shock to me and really put me down about what i am really supposed to do.

through all of this, there has been alot of snow. winter is tied as my favorite season with fall. i love the cold, i love the snow, i just do...can't explain it. well, it has snowed nearly every day since the day the new year conference has ended, and for 5 straight days it snowed all day and night. very fluffy snow, but lots and lots of it. i have really enjoyed walking to and from work in it/going to different parts of camp throughout the day. it is such a comfort to me. just this morning, it started to snow as i got into work. i sit at a front desk all day and can see it beautifully falling. it's pretty nice. i feel it's God just hugging me through something awesome. i find myself looking at the snowflakes on my black coat and looking at the intricate details of them...or when they fall on my deep blue/purple car...it's beautiful. and it's funny, other days when i cry or just lay on my bed and think, "why? why am i here still? what is there for me?" it starts snowing and i take a walk.

with my dreams of being a coach and running programs, i have really pushed aside other things that i like. for one, life guarding. two, working with kids full time. yes, as a coach/program director i would do that...but i realized that i don't want that responsibility yet...i would like to just be an assistant for now. also, employers really haven't taken me seriously because of my age - which is frustrating. "you're just out of college, what do you think you can bring to the table of people over 30 who have been doing this for a while?" here i think i answer that question quite nicely, they nodded in approval, but i guess not? in what i like, i know alot. i always look things up, research new books, and learn as much as i can because that's how i do things.

in december, it was said to me that i should become an ER nurse. it was said because i am so very bored here, and love the human body and am fascinated by it, and really need something that has adrenaline in it somewhere - and also use my skill of level headedness in a really ridiculously our of control situation. i am good at that kind of thing. i shut things out and get the job done...something that they don't like where i work now. i like to get things done right, and do them fast, and it's completely frustrating when i have a team who is ALWAYS slow and we could have done something in have the day but it took all day - uber frustrating but i can't say a word, i just deal with it and move on.

anyways, with all that said, and also with the point of me just wanting to gain experiences and always will have 2-3 odd jobs at a time, i am wanting to get back into the church life...and that comes with other fun things. first, i just want to say that a year commitment to a ministry sounded great at the time because i was spiritually in a great place, and feeling good about everything, and just had the euphoria of graduating. now, i have realized that that may have been a bit stupid because i had really jaded myself of how things are outside of not going to church hardly ever and how that would really effect me. well, i am ready to go back. and i really believe that all of the snow is just something to comfort me until that happens...it may sound stupid, but that's how i get through my work days.

anyways, back to experience and everything. in the last few days i have been thinking of that ER nurse comment. it makes me smile when i hear it...and before college i had thought about doing EMT school. well, in kenosha where i would move, there is an EMT/Paramedic school. reasonably priced...and my wheels got turning. "instead of looking for a crazy full time job, why not just get several part time ones that make you happy?". hmm...good thinking brain. so i get online and do a search: lifeguarding, fitness center child care stuff, and caribou. i have sent my application/resume into many places...and am waiting to see what happens. i don't know where i will end up, but wherever God wants me, i'll go. i can stay here through may...but that wouldn't be practical and some of the damage that has been done here is going to take a bit to change...seriously. i am not myself anymore...i have been squashed in my thinking and living.

my dreams and aspirations have kinda been put aside - til now. i want to go back to school in august for my EMT basic...then move onto paramedic. i want that...that's me. coach on the side...do a paper route...work at a coffee place a couple times a week. anything...i want my love of life to come back, i want to stop crying because i have no friends i work with. i want to join a soccer team in kenosha if i do move - i love my soccer team here, but staying for them will just make things worse here at work. i hang out with them about 3 times a week, and it's great, but i am still the only christian. i loved being in that secular environment, and now i am just scared because i have really forgotten how to defend my faith. now, how did that happen? being here for this long with no mentoring or teaching...that's what happened.

in all, the snow has been my lifesaver through this. and now you are caught up on my thinking...i may also apply for a paper route...that'd be fun, and i'd have my alone time! perfect. and get to go to church again. perfect. and have awesome christian friends who really care about who i am. perfect. finding myself that has been totally squashed and pushed down so deep, it was almost lost. it'd be perfect to be me again.

...reality and ministry

here's the thing. i have been drawing alot of conslusions lately, especially working here at a ministry. tonight i had a 20 minute chat with one of the full time maitenance guys who came up to fix some things. it was really good - and refreshing to know someone here really does care.

things here are pretty jaded. fake. surface. whatever you want to say. it's just hard to be ME. the real me is still being squashed and stripped away of what i really love. i was able to go to church today because one of the guys switched shifts with me. but instead of driving an hour to my church of choice, i went with one of the directors and his family to church. i had breakfast and lunch with them, but the in between is what really started this day off kinda rocky.

church was, well, dry. frustrating. felt like i was being yelled at. that's not the best thing. it also is a huge show at the place i went - moreso the worship part of it. horrible - hated every second. the message, well, was a missions rep, which was fine and all, but they were asking for supporters and kinda made it out to be a huge thing...basically guilt you into it. i sat in my seat and thought, 'wait, i do want to help, lets get beyond asking for money and think about helping the kids'. at that moment my perspective changed and my love for missions/ourtreach totally came flooding back into me. where had that gone? wait...when i came here that was no longer there. that was ridiculous. i just sat in shock for a minute. at lunch, the question was asked "what did you learn? what stood out to you?" and i answered honestly. "well, i really want to help, but since i don't have the support base or the money to help, it's hard. and then we don't have time after work to go and do anything, so i feel kind of useless in that field...", and left it at that. mind you i was talking to a director of my camp. kinda made him think a bit, and he changed the subject.

when the maintenance guy came in, it was a good few minutes. he encouraged the guy i am working with and i about how much we work and it really helps the ministry and said that without us working, he wouldn't have a job. i hadn't thought of it that way before. and then i told him that i love that him and his team are real and always are helping when we ask no matter what, and it's refreshing not to have to worry about the stuff they do (and said this jokingly)...because most of the stuff we don't want to do anyways :) haha. he laughed and we kept talking.

our conversation turned into this place - and he asked me about the spiritual climate and whatever from where we see it, and from where he sees it. finally, i have found someone on my side! it's pretty crazy. we heard eachother out, and i expressed my frustration with not having anybody to talk to/no friends to really be real with. he understands! finally, someone. and we were talking about how i love to blow things up and fix things. i will probably be working with him and his department a couple times a week while i am here. just for a change, because i can do alot of things they do. we also talked about looking for jobs - on both of our sides. we talked about things pretty fast, but, both of us feel we aren't working to our full potential. that was kinda nice to be heard in that way too!

i feel better now that i know i am not the only one in this feeling of frustration and hope for something more. i can't really explain it, but our conversation was what i needed today. i am so down and frustrated about things - not being used the way i know i can be, not doing anything else except working. i am beat down and broken completely. i am throwing myself into books, painting, and soccer to stay "alive". i want the old me back. i used to be peppy and full of energy, now i am looking hour to hour for strength. i don't know how much longer i can take this. it's funny how i have gotten this low and nobody around me has taken any concern to ask me how i am or how they can help. i am SO OVER "how are you?" and people taking "okay" for an answer. what?! seriously!? also, when i ask someone if i could get some mom advice, those certain people totally shy away from it. deflect it. honestly?! i just need someone to listen for 5 minutes, is that really too much to ask? and to that...i just say i am through talking here. i am through with these petty games that i am too old for. i am ready to be me again.

can i just be real again? i am shut up into a fake skeleton i don't think anyone really knows who i am. one day, i really want to ask a simple question about me: favorite color, favorite sport, favorite thing to do on my off time (not that i can really do it). nobody knows me...but how can they if i really don't know myself anymore? by the end of college i knew myself. i had found myself and i had a huge dream and nothing was going to stop it. well, i met my match. i have been squashed into the ground, but some days it's not in a good way. i know God has been molding me, but it's really hard to wrap my hands around when i feel so distant from those who are supposed to be helping me. God, what are you doing? i ask You that daily. i am waiting for Your okay to move on. my patience is growing. i am here, waiting for You.

my conclusion is this: a little time off, a mentor, and some time to find myself would be genuinely awesome. because i really don't know who i am...i did in college. beware of your first job...can i just travel? get into the ministry that i want to be in? *sigh* i want to be me again...