Monday, January 16, 2012
honestly things have been getting tough and irritating lately. I mean i dunno wat is worth my time any more. it like so many things are falling apart at once. friends, work and even at home. its becoming painful or actually tiring to get things done. sigh. posting wif a mobile is a pain. forget it ba
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|4:55 AM|
Monday, January 2, 2012
Its been getting frustrating lately.
I know my blog has been soaking in silent waters for god know how long, cuz I didn't feel like writing or I had nothing to write.
But its just some things that have been bothering me as of late. Honestly Bothering me alot.
This blog is private, I dunno why the heck do I even bother posting here.
Hehe
quite the joke. My dear keyboards is now my friend for ranting. Haha.
Anyways, its been making me pissed lately that welll, lets change the topic ba. Or maybe how I'll state my issues.
Firstly, I am now doing up a costumes and props group with a couple of closer friends.
Initially I had problems with ZH, but now I see problems with others that I didn't expect to have. I've always heard issues about these people from my other friends, esp girlfriends, but I kinda didn't listen and was like, lets just get on with this.
Now I kinda regret.
Trust, friendship and even well, anger I guess.
Honestly I really dunno how to describe it anymore.
Its like well, lets have the story from the start.
sorry poor keyboard for slamming a whole load of useless texts into you.
Ok, Lets first of start by Saying it all happened because I had a chat with this banana, I dunno what to call him anymore. Cardo I think works. Thanks Hellfang for that stupid inspiration or whatever that is.
Cardo it is.
Ok, this Cardo, I was having a chat with him and suddenly he starts yelling. Trying to prove a point. I dunno if this is how guys like to communicate, but when you yell, it becomes one way, unless I am pissed.
yes I do understand I did not clarify matters and started raging about it. Of course, this pissed me off. Yes its my fault. And I know.
Now, he goes round the world Q.Qing and all, spreading rumors, and it all just links back to him.
Then when I gather evidence, I had this other friend of mine to like be the in-between man. but somehow, I help it was Sketchy and unreliable.
I just had that feeling.
So this Cardo now claims he hasn't met anyone since an outing with this friend of mine who was now the in between communicator.
But obviously Facebook has denied his point. I didn't want to argue. This in between guy just seemed so one sided. If I were to put it.
Somehow, it feels like the trust isn't there.
And this Cardo guy thinks that as long as you rage you have it your way. You rage, you can say anything you want.
But now the issue is, I feel, he's just getting by because he doesn't care about others, and the only reason why he's alive now is cuz this is Singapore and he's got a few good friends around him.
Somehow, I feel like guys are straight forward. Too straight forward. When they are complex, I dunno what the hell is going on.
Honestly, I don't know how to put this, but trusting a guy is horrendous. Esp these kind of guys.
I guess I just have to put up with it and just cry through it.
WHHEEEE on my road to depression again.
Then Again, there's this girl, who's just fallen into depression. One moment ago I wanted to help her. Now. I myself am lost.
How's that gonna work. Sigh.
Life sucks.
>.<
|4:48 AM|
Saturday, September 24, 2011
these silent chains bound my heart, bound my soul.
what am i left with but the angst, guilt and the memories that i will cling on to..
|12:01 AM|
Sunday, September 11, 2011
To learn more, please visit http://www.cozycot.com/birthdaybash2011
|2:46 PM|
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Everything is killing me now. Weak is the word for it. Nothing more, nothing less I guess.
Seriously, its like, I know I am getting jealous very easily, often losing my mood due to it. I know. Because I am also stress. Of course I am stress, because I am all alone. and its painful. Everything is linked. Like many may know, although I always go ahead with things, I only do it if I know someone is backing me. Someone is supporting me through. But this round there is no one. And I am not that strong. I know it. Because its me.
I am weak when alone. Very weak.
I go to work everyday. The most I can even try is putting on make up daily, to look my best. But it isn't gonna work.
I look around. Dresses, skirts, mini jeans. I get jealous. Seriously. Very jealous. I don't know any more. I really feel so constricted.
Clothes is a form of expression. Simple and bland clothes, is simply bland and simple, often restricted. nuff said.
ANd no. my family is not back me up.
With this alone, I cannot be myself @ home, unless I close and lock shut my door.
Of course, with this. STRESS lah.
No stress then weird.
I can safely say, stress is has no fixed form. No fix limit, no fix weight. Its just there. I get stress from everything. Lonliness. Home. Restricted. Work. and now, I am not up to standard.
That is of course.
I know my mind has not been clear. Its just clogging. I release it when I am my self. The stress.
Now many times, I can't.
I cannot be myself.
That itself kills me.
Its so painful. I don't know anymore.
My body is already driving me mad. Now my daily life has to.
Seriously, I have been told to buck up. But I don't even know if I am capable to do so any more.
Snap. Break, Piak.
Thats what will happen to me.
Both emotionally, physically and educationally. I know my 3 months is @ stake. I can't save myself. I need help. I want to ask. I don't know who will hear me out. I am @ my limit.
If only at this time, a prince would come and save me. I would be so glad.
Fairy tales are fairy tales.
They won't happen.
80% of the men are simply scums and beings that solely exist with their fucking balls and pride and ego shit.
which is also why being stuck in this body is so painful. I feel so stuck.
No where to move.
I won;t run. I want to face it.
But alone I am scared. But at the end of the day. I will be alone.
Crying.
|12:58 AM|
Monday, June 7, 2010
I feel so stucked. I dunno. Well, I dun wanna lose anything, yet I want to move on. I dunno seriously what I am doing sometimes. The person I love is simply hurting me more. Alot more. I dunno also. Jealousy been getting the better of me as well. I feel so flat and I feel I am losing out to some big chested bitch now. I know no matter what it rather hopeless still. Sigh.
Sat, at my cca meeting.
I felt so targeted. Seriously. I thought I was able to take it head on. I thought things would be simple politics. Who the fuck thought they were quite directly targeted at me. Well, it may not be, but I feel targeted. I dunno, I felt everything was against me. Seriously.
I didn't want to break. I kept myself occupied. Yes, very occupied. I literally did anything but to leave myself alone, doing nothing. Sat night was painful. When I got home, I just broke. Seriously, I felt so pain. Its like. Everything in the meeting was pre-planned, against me in mind. quite a bit of back story, but still, there were 4 ppl when they met on thurs to discuss wat to say on Sat. Very obviously, they discussed a matter that was simply directed at me. I Felt I killing someone. I know I hate and despise him quite a bit now, yet I still love him. Or like him. Or admire him. I no longer know.
I was already in a bad enough state, and anohter issue had to be surfaced. "I liked W." Was surfaced. I realli dunno. If ZH was not there, I might have said yes, but I could not say it out. In fact, ZH was preassuring me to say it. I could not say a thing. I trust him, but because I trust him I dun wanna say it. Cuz he is so against me wanting to be a girl, he is homophobic and all. WHY? Why did things have to be this way. And I could not have said No. I would be lying to myself. One of the things I Won't want to do. I somehow felt, alot of other unrelated wounds were all reopened. I dunno why, but I felt so crap. After the meeting I split off from the bunch for about an hour before meeting them at the event. Quite a number of people noticed I was not ok. Although I was trying to keep an ok looking face. And yar, I was avoiding W for quite a bit.
I felt like crap and when I got home, I broke down the moment I got home. After that I was kinda eased by CT who chatted with me quite alot. I norm dun talk so much with her, I guess, I realli needed someone.
Today, I was Ok, or so I was forcing myself to do so. I continuously did work non-stop, keeping myself distacted. I did not want to think. I thought it would work. But now, when I tried to sleep, everything comes back to me. It hurts so muc. Too much.
|3:32 AM|
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I would have woken up, in a soft bed, padded with many layers of cushion. My first sight would be soft white nettings surrounding me. I would have sat up and see a room, filled with plush toys, a window with the sunlight beaming through gracefully. I would have had my first step of the day, on soft carpeted floor and greeted by a tall handsome butler.
If only I started my life everyday, as a princess.
|3:53 AM|
Yup, just when I thought everything was going better, or now that I look back, a fucking stalemate.
For like the past month of so, I didn't really have much emotional crap, well, ok, there was one. Fuck that idiot who tried to sabo me. Fuck him srsly. He got what he fucking deserves. And its called fuck him with a rusty iron pole. Ok, that settles.
Ya, now, I know for sure, I am fucking unstable and fragile as always. Yes, my mind is messed up as usual. Hahaha, its messed up. ^^
You see, today, at my grandma's place, we were having reunion dinner. Steamboat. Then, all was good, but my aunts had to spoil my day, as in srsly spoil it. They had to say that only gays trim their eyebrows. That when they saw my trimmed eyebrows. To say honestly, I find them cute. Srsly. But having my aunts say it, I am very hurt. Seriously.
Its like, I wanna be considered a girl, not a gay. Cuz I so not wanna be the boyfriend of the relationship, even if my partner is a guy. Dammit.
Seriously, for some reason, I feel so damn irritated by this. Like, I don't feel any support, I feel helpless.
And tada, here I am, sleepless.
Cough medicine is failing on me. First time its failing.
Yup, my mind has gone yahoo, literally.
I really dunno what should I do next. I know I can't stand still forever, it might just be my fucking limit. Its like, I am at the point, I dunno anymore. I can't move, no one will help me, my family that is. I am just so stuck. I dunno anymore. I am at my limit. I think.
Or maybe this is just a heavy hit.
Whatever the case, I am stuck, and I cannot stand much. I can feel it.
ANymore, I might just be too weak.
I am messed up.
Known fact from the start.
|3:14 AM|
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
some personality tests I did today XD, quite true. >.<
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
1. You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.
2. You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.
3. You strictly follow rules, and you expect other people to be the same as well. People can get tired of you easily, as you can make them feel a little guilty about themselves. You always make decisions on your own, and can be dismissive of other people's advice. You like to be the leader in groups, but can forget to be concerned about the people you are with.
4. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.
5. Your boyfriend thinks that you are a real doll but this is not a totally positive thing. Sometimes you can be a bit too sweet, and come across as being helpless. If you're like this too frequently, your boyfriend and other people are likely to get tired of you having to rely on them all the time.
|2:29 AM|
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Ok, I was thinking for a while, but ya, I think Sane is the right word to use. Its the opposite of insane rite?, I think, lazy 2 check dictionary.com. :P
Ok Ok, now, let me start somewhere.
Yesh, my mind was going bogus like just a few days ago. I could not really keep up with my thoughts seriously. Its like, all in a mess.
Now at least now peaceful thoughts, I think. XD
Managed to actually find someone, whom I can rant all the weird weird things I read. XD
Ya, but still, I dun really noe what the hell am I thinking.
Seriously, I dunno what am thinking.
Yesh, I some sort just double posted the same thing, diff sentence. WTF.
Ok, anyways, I dunno, but I do feel much much much more relax after yesterday as well. Took a day off as a guy. Its really so I dunno, mind relaxing? I guess something along that line or something. Yesh, and I really really really need, more like want, a wider range in my wardrobe. And and >.<, children clothes are awesome. And and, yesterday @ forum, I saw this awesome awesome black jacket, but I could not be bothered to look at the price. Cuz its a definate over 9000 cents, AKA $90, which is so off my budget.
T_T
but anyways, did some shopping, and now my wanna buy things have like rocketed. T_T
Not enuff $$$$$$$$ >.<
Anyways, I'm heading over seas, specifically, over local seas. XD
So will be MIA for like 1 day. XD byezzzzzzzzzzzz
|8:22 AM|
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I dunno why, but these 4 weeks seems to be not so good for me. I dunno how to say, but I'm getting pissed at too many things.
Firstly, I am pissed with my project group.
Secondly, I am pissed off by some idiot, Brian, I heck care about his privacy liao, I just state it liao.
Next, I am also pissed at my work place. No problem must make problem for me. Crap it lah.
Next, I oso very irritated and pissed with myself. Over so many stupid things. Seriously.
I dunno whats going on in my head, but I noe, I am messed up. Very.
Argh
ok, firstly, I noe that I am born a guy, and thats irritating me, alot.
I dunno, its like, I got super pissed, over no apparent reason when some ppl were talkin bout adam apple. And srsly, I get super pissed off when someone tries to be funny with my when I'm dressed as a girl. As in, I can seriously Slap the hell out of that person. Dunno if its just me or wat.
Just irritates me, like I am over sensative.
Then again, I dunno. Fuck it.
And recently, I noe I am working alot alot alone, cuz I just can't stand getting irritated, esp these 2 weeks. When I think about it, I can only think of 1 stupid answer.
I need another day off as a girl. Ok, maybe I am just thinking to much, but I think I might just be going Mad.
And yes, my mom saw my MSN display pics of me as a girl and we started arguing. Seriously, I really dunno why she just find it so hard to accept, also like I oso find it so hard to explain things to her.
Damn my stupid self.
I dunno, I almost like over spent on wigs, cuz I finding my long wig hard to maintain. I starting to face wig fiber loss.
And now the thing is, I want a not black wig, but yet I a bit shy to try something not black. Like purple. Or maybe blue.
Stupid right. Not being able to do what I want just cuz I am too shy. >.<
Seriously, and I am getting very very irritated by how my body functions. I noe its like any other normal Male, but I just am getting irritated by it.
Yesh I am starting to have stupid thoughts of getting someone to kick me in my balls and hope they spoil, for good. Makes things so much easier to explain to my mom. that way.
Oh and accident happened. So I shud just get rid of the rest of the useless material and live properly as a girl. WTF, yes I think I am going a bit off.
Mad i think.
Well, the reason I didn't want to blog for so long, was stupid. First 2 weeks, too happy and cannot be bothered. next two weeks, I'm going mad on the inside.
WTF
I seriously dunno what the hell am I actually thinking.
Conclusion
I am in PMS state
Needs a day off being male
Needs to fix my thinking.
|12:26 AM|
Friday, October 9, 2009
Well, past few days, weeks in fact. Life has been rather good. My Awesome awesome wig-chan has arrived. Ok, aside from that, My cosplay went well. My wig fits well. I learnt awesomely alot these holidays via self-study.
Of course, things like phailing cosplay team-mates spoil my mood every now and then still.
Aside from that, the past few days wore my wig quite a number of times. Now I nids buy conditioner >.<. Anyways, I so far feel very happy wif my wig, tempted to buy more. Well, I got plans to get more, quite a few more. Honestly. XD
Getting more confident in being a trap, but still lacks the make up. Nids moar make up exp. To begin, I nid 2 get my Make up kit. >.<
And my maid outfit. Almost almost done. >.< rushing ish killing meh. AHHHrggggghhhh
|1:53 AM|
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Well, ya, I kinda went MIA from my blog during a High high stress period. Seriously high stress, and my high stress cost me 2 days of PSS, which mean my Weight. NUUUUUUUUUU
Bad habit of over eatin after stress period.
Dun eat enuff = Moody
Stupid me.
Ya
anyways, got alot alot alot to rant and rant.
You see, over this period of time, That awesome Ah Gong did it again.
He went Harassing a girl online. Awesome rite. Even after being told to stop, he still resumed his awesome Harrassing, till one day, her boyfriend came down and......
-Dramatic Opening Sequence-
Well, honestly, there was alot of drama, as in alot of drama. Bang Table kick wall, kick door. scream and yell. Well, filtering all the drama aside, let get to wat happened.
Awesome Ah Gong had to awesome make a big fuss of the situation. He claimed to be innocent, denying doing everything. Calling 4 days ago old news, not listening to anything thing that is being sent into his fucking head. Then when I was with him one on one, he fucking had told me a twisted version of the fact.
Then on Wed, he blamed me for ppl not comin to the dance session, where it was obviously his own fault. He just can't blame himself. And when he does, he makes himself seem like he's the poor thing, the bullied. Fuck him. Seriously, I losing my patience with him.
But if I do think about it, he's got his good sides sometimes. As long as it does not involve girls, cuz I dun see him have any fucking respect for girls. Someone should really kipnap and castrate him.
Fuck him.
Ok, being a bit crazy again. Haha.
Ok aside from him, alot of other things did happen.
Project side.
Ok, quite ok lah, my project. Just that alot of work to do. But one incident that really pissed me off. We had 3 days to do a recording. However, it was crapped up by a few awesome groups.
Due to stupid reasons, only 3 cameras were loaned out. 1 cam was hogged by 2 groups for all 3 fucking days. Claiming they had to redo and redo. The other to Cams were ok. Except for 1 on the last day, where another group was hogging it again. Cuz they were lack of 1 equipment, and not a neccesary one, they refused to record or let other groups record first. Fucking irritating.
Ok, moving on.
Dun wanna talk bout the cosplay bit here, maybe after things are settled.
Ya, but anyways, ok, one of the most awesome thing for me is I actually found anothe person that I can properly talk to. Quite odd, but ya.
Ok, anyways, after long hours of talk and all, I have decided to first of all be able to pass of as a girl. Next, start living as a trap on the weekends or something, Since it will be complicating in many ways if I did it daily. till I get enuff $$$ thats my plan. XD
|8:08 AM|
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Well, yesh, I noe I has been having Bizzarre thoughts the past few days, but well, its getting under control I guess.
Well, hmm, lets say the past few days went pretty well, with BBQ, Chalet and all sorts of awesome happenings.
Rather pleased.
And also the guys have been entertaining as usual.
You see, facebook is awesome.
You can buy friends on facebook. Seriously stupid concept.
Then ppl buy other ppl friends, girlfriends, siblings, then they pissed at each other. Then keep on buying them back and forth.
Plain stupidlity.
But when I first heard it, I was forced not to laugh. Cuz I was talking to someone who was sharing his problems with me. But, at the end of the day.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seriously, guys are plain egoist beings whom have ego over what? Online friend buying.
Its really a joke.
And yesh yesh, I today I has found awesome webbie selling awesome big size clothes. I luv it. Credit to ppl who gave me da link chan. <3
Seriously, I am like so happy, but ish short on money and I dunno how to online shop. I phails @ being an online shopper.
T_T
Sometimes I really wonder if the goods we import actually get checked. If not, I has horrible plans that nid to wait, cuz I has no $$$ and its still a bit too much for me to handle. I guess.
Ahhh well, Gotta slp. Nitex
|2:28 AM|
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Ya, the past few days, I think I was thinking too much till I think I kinda getting messed up lately.
Well, I dunno leh, Its like ever since I read that whole chunk text, that I think is messing me up.
Stupid right?
Well, the past few days have gone pretty good. Had a chance to show my knowledge again here and there, but its pissing me off, I don't really know why. I'm also getting pissed off at almost every little thing. Seriously.
I don't really know what else to say, cuz first thing first, I know what I read is so so so crazy, serious. And to be honest, so far only girls have access to this blog, so I dunno the level of appropriation. Seriously, I do not know any more, cuz its really messed up stuff.
Ya, well all messed up again. Dammit
Actually, sometimes when I think about it, I don't think its much of a big deal, but I dunno, maybe cuz of my nature, maybe its kinda gonna affect me quite alot.
Well that at least for me.
I think
I now, really sometimes quite confuse what step I should be taking, all look so messy.
WTF, I think now all I am doing is beating oung the bush. I phails.
Then again, I dunno how to start explaining.
Stupid right?
Its like a box of treasure, but if I open it, I gotta face the consiquences and risks invovled, yet, its gotta really relax me so much more. Contradicting huh?
Seriously, I dun feel like even saying about it now sometimes, yet, I dunno lah. All so messed up and confused.
-CLEANS UP MOOD-
Ya, well, although I posted it, I guess, I dun really noe myself, just trying to talk about other things.
Yes, lately, very lately, I think I do have some weird or messed up thoughts. Maybe the way I think.
Ppl call me guy, I dun mind, since I got a chunk of meat down there.
Ppl call me Gay, I get a little offended, but well, I'm messed up.
Ppl call me Girl, I dunno, feel better, I guess.
So lets just say, I see myself as a straight Girl, with some extra useless meat down there. Its stupid, I know.
Yesh, And I seriously gotta lose weight. Online shopping is driving me to lose more weight. Its like continously telling me ah, loose more weight.
Stupid right?
Yes, and I am fucking pissed with fucking guys.
Guys are phail existence, to sum it all up.
But well, there are a few exceptions I guess.
You see, some genius has to put his online nick
'L****... Love craz mode again... When Will I be out of it?'
Yes and this genius had the cheek to whole day try to get a girlfriend, or should I put it in a crude way, sex partner. Seriously, not like I want to suan him or what, but he has been saying and trying so many stupid things, that I am almost giving up on him liao.
Well, I seriously feel like telling him hor.
Eh, you Love Craz ah, Raging Hormornes ah. Take Rubber band, super super tight small one. Make sure you use it to tie you balls tight tight ah, dun let blood flow to it. Block out blood flow, then 12 hours later, can cut off. According to some sources, by that time, when you cut hor, does not hurt liao. Then after that ah, you no nid sex partne to relieve you stress liao. See, good solution hor.
Ya, seriously. Why can guys not learn how to respect women? Got one sausage down there means can push girls around ah. Seriously pissed.
WTF, ok, I think now my thoughts still messed up sia. T_T
|1:54 AM|
Monday, August 24, 2009
-_-
Yup welcome back Miss Emo...
T_T
Ya, I kinda got back into the emo mood again. Well, I just read some stuff I shouldn't have read. Seriously, or maybe not just yet.
Ehh, First I had 2 read some stuff, next I just had to do online window shopping to make it worse. STUPID ME.
Ya.
Aside from that, I noe I took quite a hit, I'm pretty much ok lah.
Its just facts I can't avoid, so yup yup. >.<
Anyways, the past few days was rather ok, seriously. Was happy wif Natsu Matsuri, though I could have been better. Wif a little make up, my wig, and a big ribbon on my back. lol. XD
Ya, but I guess things turned out pretty good.
>.<
Then today, ok lah, quite relax. Was very very tempted to rip my wallets to bits @ Ang Mo Kio. T_T
They has awesome skirts and dresses. T_T
And I now has awesome fever. lol, seriously. XD
|12:50 AM|
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I don't really understand at all, what the hell does this wawa wants, she's a bitch, trying to ruin my days, yes, completely trying to ruin it. And she is fucking bias. Well, I'd had my fair share of revenge, but I don't think she deserves that little.
During my presentation, I was bombarding her fucking teaching method. Yes, she was very vey pissed with me, bery, I dunno how else to describe.
In addition, I had the class support, so she was even more pissed.
Her fault mah, not mine.
Why does she fucking not get it into her fucking fly brain. Even birds are smarter than her.
I'm still amazed she can still have the cheek to tell me this.
I need to do the experiments to show the results are true, cuz info from overseas is not reliable. She sucks right?
Ya, thanks to her, I gotta go and test it out with my class tonight, to show that it works. So she's gotta keep her fucking mouth shut.
but the problem is like, I dunno, I wanna visit my workmate tonight, cuz her house arrest just ended.
It like I dunno why she suddenly was arrested for attempted Suidcide.
The of all times, yesterday, someone had to send me this SMS
"I can't make it cuz I nid 2 attend mass. My friend sister suidcide."
So coincidental, it seriously made me go WTF, as in serious one, not joking.
I got really shocked when I saw suidcide in the SMS.
Seriously, sometimes, I dunno why people want to suidcide, sometimes I think I know. I'm just all so confused.
W, I also dunno how to talk to him anymore. As in, he needs someone to comfort him, someone to advise him, but I really don't know anymore, as in, I have given him all the advice I could give, but I know its not enough.
And suprisingly, I'm still so stubborn trying to deny the fact and help him. Stupid right?
I really don't know what to do next. How can I help him is something I need an answer, yet I know, its not gonna come easy.
|10:32 AM|
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Well, yesh I finally feel more mentally stable the past few days. Seriously. Though I do have a fair share of emo moments. Esp in class. I hate WAWA. Damn Her. I wish she's just Fuck off.
Ok now not to spoil my cute mood. Seriously.
Ok, I just realised I used Cute again on my blog. Like WTF.
Ok, now for the serious, not serious, things. Something like that lah.
Yesh, you see, I was in a state of extreme panic when W said he wanted to meet me one on one. At city hall. Lemme just say I was panicking alot. Walking around in circles @ tampanis MRT nearby till sercurity come find me. Still panicking, so I called onee-chan and while on phone still walking round circles. Like WTF, now that I flashed back.
Ya, I was really really super panic cuz its like W is asking me out. <3. Not for a date but still. AHHHH!!!! <3
>.<
Ya ya, then well, I went over to city hall to meet him. And then we we walked over to clark quay. Well, you see, he was pondering, whether to go talk over pudding, or tea. Central Pudding was, I seriously mean, Was awesome. WAS WAS WAS, I just have to let specify past tense. XD
Yesh, it was Awesome.
He said somewhere got nice tea oso, but never had much of a liking for most teas. XD
Green tea is still the best. XD
Well, in the end, he somehow persuaded me to have dessert at this awesome I dunno what name restaurant by the sea. He said it was on him, so I did not have to pay, but I noes how expensive the food there is. >.<
Feels bad. Not XD. lol I ish evil. >.<
Oh yah, its sg river not a sea. T_T
Sea woulds be awesome.
Ya, anyways the atmosphere was awesome. Candle Lit, out door, awesome breeze, awesome air. Yesh, perfectly awesome for a date. I wished I had wore better clothes that day. T_T
Skirts would have been awesome. Not too short. XD
Ok back to topic. >.<
Side track,
Saw awesome skirt @ one of the dunno what shops at city hall, $26 XD.
Back to topic. Yesh. XD
<3
Yesh, awesome atmosphere.
Ok, then then he presented me the awesome menu. You see, there was so many awesome things at awesome prices. All the deserts were the same price except for 2 which are more ex, but not really my taste. Sweet sweet for me, not bitter sweet, though I dun mind XD. Sweet sweet owns, awesome. XD <3
then then
XD
ok We went in to see the desserts live. Everything was technically glowing.
Everything was just plain awesome. And I mean it. I really should have wore better cloths. My wardrobe sucks. XD
Ok, now now, I was like out of my mind, as in, I dunno what to choose. Maybe, XD, I really dunno what was best.
So ended up I chose some Vanilla Pudding with chocolate and red color thing topping.
I pudding was just pure awesome, it just melts in your mouth the moment it goes in, and become like like like errr, milky, thick milk. XD
And the taste blend with chocolate, ah~~~~ estatic. I never had anything like that since sec 2. Austraillia. XD
Well well, ya, the we started talking. I was about his break up. Well, I gave him advise, and well, it didn't work out well at the start. Soon after, I actually manage to cheer him up. Telling him recent happenings in my life, random topics such as a cute girl in my CCA. Well, I cannot deny that she is purely cute, cuz she is just too innocent and air headed. But ya, she's just too cute. Well, people who noe her, even girls will never not agree wif me. She's just adorable. I dunno, cute. Period.
But Guys should nvr try to touch her, she will kill them by accident. Honest.
Yesh, and well, my talk wif W was like awesome. He was just too cute, I dunno what to say. I was glad I managed to surpressed my desire to like like confess. XD Painful, but not as bad as how I think it would be.
Then then, he let me see some prediction he had from the temple. Well, did make some sense, cannot post it here though.
Then Then, today met him again. I'm so in luck.
Had dinner with him, talk alot. Then after that I spammed talking on phone with him. It was pure pure awesome.
Knowing I tend to fangirl or what so ever and ahh ahh and all when talking to him, I didn't go home until 12am plus plus. XD
Stay downstairs to talk to him.
Yesh it was just so lovely. Well, dream moments. Once again, I has successfully phailed on confess. >.<
Well, we talked alot alot of things. Then after that, he told me his horoscope. Then then, he actually said that it was similar to the one he had at the temple. Both possibly point at me as someone important, somehow. XD
<3
You noe, it was like so so tempting to confess.
>.<, but I phailed. XP
Yah, but I had alot alot of fun talking to him on the phone still. 2hours plus plus. XD
Now that he's starting to approach me for help, I can't stop here, I cannot.
I know I should not propose to him, but well, its like I can't let him die.
I have decided to help him through, supporting him from behind. Thats the best I can do. Its painful, but still enjoyable.
Note to self after re-reading what I typed:
I sound so intelligent, yet stupid. WTF
|3:28 AM|
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Well, Have not posted for 3 days now.
Not cuz I was busy with work, but mainly I have been trying to construct and piece up my train of thoughts.
No matter how many times I try, I still just can't just let W suffer the way he is now, yet, I can't really do anything.
I didn't really reflect on what I was thinking some time back, or so I just noticed. I guess.
How my reflecting more or less begun was stupid, seriously at I find it lah.
Well, talking a bit side track and all, my list of shows to watch for drama series wise was actually the following.
Rescue Force
Zettai Kareshi
Ketai 7
Rescue Fire
Well appaently it got messed up and I'm disappointed.
You see, while watching the last few episodes of Rescue Force, they changed the ending to I dunno what song, but the lyrics really caught me. Which was how I begun reflecting. In english, it goes something like this.
"Too much time has passed for us,
Before we realize it, we've become adults.
We suddenly become aware of our quivering hearts.
It makes my heart break a little."
It really did cause me to reflect on myself, how useless I was the past 3 months. Seriously.
I did almost nothing but emo.
Wasted so much sleep time.
Did so many useless things.
Stoned and blanked out too much.
Brooding over things that can't be change.
Seriously stupid, yet I dunno really why I did some things sometimes.
Yes, I know that its hopeless confessing to W, in fact it might make things worse, but it ain't getting better, for me now. Yet I choose to like brood over it and just emo over it. Stupid right?
I really want to help him, but I feel so helpless.
Yup, things like more responsibilities, I don't really noe if I like it, or do I depise it. I'm making myself having more responsibilities, but logically, its impossible to handle, but I think I can make it through. Just like what happened in sec 4.
Just that now, sometimes I feel I alone a not good enuff still. I may have done so much, but it takes two hands to clap, I never accomplished anything alone.
I sometime feel knowing too much is a bit too much for me as well. I should not have researched on things that I should not be bother with now.Or maybe I should have, but its a bit painful. I don't think I feel safe to even blog it.
I really wish to move forward, I know I'm running short on time. Seriously, yet I can't bear to leave the past behind. Its painful. Very.
|11:56 PM|
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Yup, after a long emo period, I guess I more or less getting better. I think. My sleepless days ended, for good I hope.
Ya, but I seriously need to recover from that horrible period. My complexion now has gotten worse, so has my some other problems I dun wish to disclose on my blog. But well, its going good. The best part, W is helping me cope with it. Got many many chance to talk 1 to 1 with him. Its ahhh~~~~ I dunnno how to describe sometimes. Well, but its not a problem I will spend time emoing about.
Luvs~~~~
Ya, but still, I can't really act the way I like in front of guys, and I still feel kinda irritated when we walk pass shops, with nice cloths, and I can't just go AH AH~~~~~~~ cuz guys are around. T_T Its painful...
Well, aside from that, I think I'm getting the hang of the fact that I'm flat, though it does bother me. Its like I wanna buy clothes, normally online.
Then ah, Everything but bust size dun fit. Too small, yet I'm flat. No logic. XD
But ya, was very very happy cuz a moment ago, one of my friends just gave me a link to a blogshop in WIP. And awesome, they've got many many nice clothes, and my size. But I'm flat on cash now T_T.
But well, awesome place I can shop at. <3
Yup, kinda cheering up the past few days, so yup, all's better for now. ^_^
Thanks peoples, esp Onee-chan.
|1:05 AM|