Is he ready?

Lyman, you were my first.  My first electrifying jolt of love when I first saw you.  My first selfish indulgence of hugs and kisses.  You were my first to call me "Mommy", though at first you called me "Mimi".  You were my first all day snuggle because you had a fever and didn't feel well. 

You are my first to make me laugh, give me a hug or hold my hand.  You are my first to jump up and help me when I need something.  You are my first to goof around with.

You are my first to loose a tooth too!  I wish it hadn't happened so soon, I wasn't ready to loose your innocent child smile.  But since you are my first to act a little crazy and do things with out much forethought - it shouldn't have surprised me that you would loose your first tooth when you were goofing off with your cousins and fell on the metal slide. 

And so you will be my first to go to Kindergarten this week.  I've been thinking about all the things you need to know for kindergarten.  You are pretty smart.  You know your letters, numbers and shapes and colors and sounds and all the other things you ought to.  You also know a few things that you aren't expected to know yet, like addition, subtraction and multiplication like how much 4 X 5 equals.  You know how to tie your shoe now.  I taught you that - you were my first to learn.  But have I taught you what you need to know to make friends, the right kind?  Have I taught you what you need to know if someone isn't very nice to you?  Do you know how much you are worth, and how special you are?  Have I taught you how to be nice to others and not laugh when someone teases someone else?  Have I taught you how to be a friend, the right kind?  Are you ready?

I'm not sure I want to share you with the rest of the world.  This is the beginning of doing that.  For almost 6 years you were all mine.  I feel like next thing I know you will be graduating high school and calling me Mom and not Mommy.  You will probably start to think I'm embarrassing.  You might start to question your belief that I know everything.  I guess what I am saying is I'm not sure I am ready. 

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I have faith in a God that listens to prayers.  I know that when I raise my voice, my heart and my mind up to Heavenly Father in prayer that He does in fact hear me and listen to me.  If it were not for this knowledge in my life I would not know who I would be or where I would be.

Our Will

Today we are going to go sign the final documents for our wills and power of attorneys etc etc blah blah blah.  So this morning I was talking to Lyman and trying to explain to him that if we do not do these papers then if something happened to both of us they might give him to strangers to live with instead of the family member we selected.  When he considered the family member that he would go to live with and the idea of us both being gone he said:  " Ill be sad but I'll be a little happy because Ill get to play with all their light sabers."  Awesome!

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that third kids come pretty durable.  Because when older brothers and sisters play with you sometimes you get stuffed in toy boxes and left until Mommy goes searching for you.

Whip it! Whip it good!

Tonight we had such a fun FHE.  We talked about the pioneers and the sacrifices they made coming across the plains.  We talked about the blessings we have living now.  While we talked we each took turns shaking a jar with whipping cream in it and turning it into butter.  It was super fun and the kids were amazed when all of a sudden the cream separated into the buttermilk and the butter.  I think Andy might have been the most impressed as he hasn't ever made butter before when we all did it in kindergarten.  Afterwards we cracked open our Canadian real maple syrup and made some french toast with our fresh, homemade - deliciously whipped butter.  Fun and yummy!

This many kids...

This morning I had a fun conversation with Corilynn.  We were sitting on my bed and she was playing with Ruby's feet while I nursed.  This is how things went:

Me: "Corilynn, do you think you are going to be a mommy someday?"
Corilynn: "Yeah"
Me: "How many kids do you think you are going to have?"
Corilynn stretching her hands out wide on either side of her: "This many kids..."
Me: "Oh that is a lot of kids, how many kids do you think that is?"
Corilynn: "Umm maybe like 5 cause that is a lot."
Me: "Yeah that is a lot of kids. How many boys and how many girls do you think you will have?"
Corilynn: "Umm no boys and lots of girls."

I love my little girl.

Thankful Thursday

Sometimes I look at my kids.  Really gaze at them while they are in imaginary play or doing something and I try to will my eyes to see their future.  I look intently for what they might be like as adults, what they will look like, what they will like and not like, what majors in college or life paths they will choose.  I try to imagine them making their life choices and what will I think of those choices or what will it be like to see them get married and build families of their own.  I am always filled with such a love for them as nothing else will elicit.  I am thankful to be their mom.

Lyman still holds my hand.  I don't mean when I ask him to, when we are walking in a parking lot.  But he still reaches for my hand when we are sitting near each other on the couch or when he comes early in the morning to snuggle into Dad's place in bed after he has vacated it for work.  He reaches all the way across the king bed to my side searching for my hand to hold.  I am figuratively holding my breath for the day he decides it is icky, gross or simply not cool to hold his mom's hand.  I don't want that day to come but I know it will someday.  For now though I will hold his hand and selfishly eat up these moments I still have with him.  I am thankful he hasn't learned yet that holding hands with your mom isn't cool.

Ruby loves her family.  Her delight in seeing one of them come into the room is delicious.  Nothing provokes the kind of mirth and delighted smiles as when her family comes near her.  It is unique to her among my kids and seeing her happiness makes me certain her place in this family has been long awaited.  She is sensitive to when we are separated (Dad on business etc) and she is out of sorts until he comes home.  She likes her family together and seems only fully contented when it is so.  Her eyes seem older than her physical age with a look that says she understands more than she should for 8 months.  She is eager for her body to catch up and loves to show us her satisfaction when she pulls herself up to stand at our knees.  I wonder at how our lives were before she came.  I am thankful she did.

One pair of laces

Tonight I taught my son how to tie his shoe.  I took him to the store earlier in the day to buy him a new pair of shoes for school.  He is starting kindergarten in a few weeks.  I didn't like the look of all the shoes not requiring laces and so I decided I would get him ones with laces and try to teach him over the course of the next few weeks how to tie his shoe. 

In just a few minutes he had mastered it.  He took me completely by surprise.  Perhaps I am being overly sentimental but I am at loss for words at the mixture of feelings I am having.  How did a pair of laced shoes turn my little boy into a big kid ready for the world and kindergarten?  When did he change before my eyes? 

I feel as if I am standing at the beginning of a great big field.  Lyman has only to cross it and he is grown and out on his own.  I've taught him to tie his laces and now instead of standing next to me - it seems he is sprinting too quickly across that field.  Time is speeding up and as much as I love to see him run bravely across field of life, I am longing for him to not grow up so fast.  Today it is laces, tomorrow it is the sway of a graduation tassel.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I have a husband who has never done anything that has ever given me cause to be embarrassed or ashamed to be his wife.  He has never said anything or done anything in our marriage that has reflected poorly on me for my choice.  His actions and his very character have only ever made me look better and lucky to have him.  He has never treated me with disrespect or malice.  I am thankful for that.  I am thankful that it is part of his being to be careful, full of integrity and sensitive of others.  I am thankful for this because I am confident he will never do anything that would reflect poorly on me and my choice to be married to him.  I am so keenly aware of the luck that befell me when I married him.  It has been a blessing from Heaven - beyond what I deserved.  He is exactly the sort of man that makes only good impressions on people and puts them at ease and makes them feel special.  I have a lot to learn from him and a long way to go.  I love him. Good, sweet, honest, whole, pure Andy.  I love him.

Musings on Motherhood

I wrote this several years ago after my miscarriage and came across it recently as I have been attempting to sooth the heart of a friend through her own recent pregnancy loss.  With other friends on the verge of their own step into motherhood and others just recently become mothers, I decided I wanted to post this in celebration and reverence to the divine sacrifice and blessing it is to be mothers.

Motherhood

From the moment of conception there is a unique spirit that accompanies the mother to be. It is either the stirring of life or the imagination that comes with it that brings a woman back to her creator and often back to her knees. To be a vessel of creation, a centurion of life’s beginning, and the bridge to uniting body and soul is the pinnacle of womanhood. No other singular act alone in life can bring a woman to understand her own creator better than becoming a mother herself.

Maternity is an allotment of time in ones life where all a woman knows can be called into question. Her strength in all areas will be tested beyond comprehension and her willingness to give all will either be voluntary or conscripted. The body naturally begins the life process by gathering any necessary nourishment and need it has straight from the mother. The divine created a woman’s body to do so. Without having ever been through the process, a woman’s body will do what it takes in most cases to devote every available resource to the creation process. It is the only instance in physiology where a parasitic relationship can exist and the host does not reject the foreign body but instead embraces it and nourishes it. During this time the job of creating this body is not left to the woman alone. There is a spirit of creation around that can be felt indicating that the spirit of the baby itself is present and constructive.

Often this experience will rise to a great peak of ecstasy in the birth of a new infant child. The road to each end of the pregnancy is different for each woman and is hers alone. Much like the majority of the pregnancy nobody can experience completely the things that will be asked of the mother in order to accomplish the task. That is why it is her private road to walk. It can be a reckoning with God at that time when a woman is nearest and in most need of her Savior than ever before. With various other people around the woman and her counterpart in this creation, there is still a feeling of being the only people in the room. There is purpose. There is determination. And both are motivated by love. “I know it will require much from me, much that, through love, I am willing to give.”

Occasionally, the creator’s time will be interrupted for one reason or another and the pregnancy will reach its end prior to the destined time. In this moment a woman is brought to the same reckoning with God and can indeed feel close to her Savior. It is a moment which will require a private walk down an unfamiliar path. It brings the same kind of feeling of being the only one in the room. There is still purpose and determination motivated by love but it comes from different realms of the understanding. There is another sacrifice the woman has been obligated to give, one last surrender to the will of God in this process. That is to give unto Him her prize and her blessing in the desperate hopes that one day that blessing will be returned. That one day the stirrings of creation will adorn her body and soul and that one day she can again stand as a witness to the beauty of life’s beginnings. For those members of this quiet sisterhood, it is a moment of silent grief and loss. However there is beauty in it all. Beauty stemmed from this sisterhood. Beauty in the unity of our singular losses.

All woman are mothers, whether or not they experience it in the flesh of this mortal life. The motherhood is inside us, built in and powerful. It is reflected in all that we do. It is in our draw to the beautiful in life and our need to give and receive affection. It is what makes us nurture those around us and embrace our femininity. It is how the Divine in us is reflected.

Happy Love Day!

Happy Love Day to the love of my life.

Today is our 8th anniversary.  Has it really only been 8 years?  I cant remember when my life wasn't made better by him or when I didn't have him to love.  When the cosmos combined never before seen amounts of love, excitement, happiness, contentment and laughter eight years ago it was believed that things couldn't get any better than that moment.  And yet every day has been better than the last.  With exception to that one day last month where we both were in really bad moods.  ::wink::  JK.

Trying to pay tribute to the happiness I feel in words is difficult and ends up inadequate for the task.  Yeah for us, we are awesome and woohoo for the next 8 years.