Mother's Day Out

I have a confession. I say confession, because I feel guilty of some crime. I am taking my baby to day care (gasp, hiss!).

Yes, I am taking my sweet, helpless, little five-month old who just wants to be with his mommy to a place where teachers who do not love him like I do will robotically feed and play with him (ignore him?!) for a few hours. Or at least, that's how I feel. Like a monster. Like I've failed the good-mommy test practically before I've even sharpened my pencil.

Why so much self-flagellation? I've always been a fan of day care. I always thought I'd feel fine about leaving my child with someone so that I could work or pursue my own interests.

A hundred years ago I would have had seven kids and bread to bake and clothes to sow and a chicken neck to ring and I wouldn't have time to spend every minute nurturing my child. Why do I think I have to do that now?

Day care offers learning opportunities and new experiences for little ones who are stimulated by new places and things. Even at five months I believe Liam gets bored at home, and day care offers a welcome change in activities.

Still, now that I have my own child, now that I understand the primal attachment of parenthood, the heart-melting vulnerability of an infant, the blinding love for your own offspring, I am torn about leaving Liam at day care. Especially because I am not working and have no real need to leave him.

This is how it all started. The university has a day care for children of students and faculty. It is called the Grand Anse Play Group (GAP).

I know several people (namely my neighbors, who are also my parenting role models, see post below) who take their older children there. I put Liam on the waiting list for January for just two or three half days a week. I thought by then he will be eight months and could benefit from the above mentioned aspects of day care.

Then, in late August the director called and said there was a spot opening up in September. Two afternoons a week on Monday and Wednesday. Would I like to take the spot?

Putting your child's name on a list is easy, leaving them in some one else's care is a whole other thing.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it, but I went for a tour anyway. Although the low-slung, cinder-block building where the GAP is housed looks like a prison from the outside, I was surprised to find it is a nice place. Clean and bright and cool inside. Orderly. Nice teachers. Professional directors. Fun toys and music. Happy children everywhere.

O.K. so not the den of filth and neglect I was fearing. Still, my baby is so young. In fact, he is the youngest in the infant room right now.

And he is so easy to take care of at this age. I mean, the kid can't move. He sleeps 10-12 hours at night. He takes several naps during the day. He loves to hang out on his play mat. It's not rocket science. I can cook and clean and check my email and smile and coo at him all at the same time.

And again, I don't work! Day care is for women who do something productive outside of the home. The only thing I do outside of the home is socialize, pay bills and grocery shop. All of which I can do with Liam in tow.

But I decided to go through with it anyway. The rational part of me, what little there is, says it will not hurt him to be in day care a few hours a week.

An afternoon at day care is technically 1-6 p.m. but I can drop him off and pick him up any time. So 3-5 p.m. or 1:30-4 p.m. or whenever. I never leave him there for a full five hours.

I pay for the whole time no matter how long he stays, but it only costs $1US an hour. It is still a luxury on our budget, but child care will never be so affordable.

Going to the grocery store and paying those bills is a lot easier without having to carry him around in the Bjorn.

And there are a few things that I wouldn't mind doing for myself - like going to the gym or for a swim in the ocean - that I can't do with Liam. C.J. is so busy he rarely is able to give me a break. And it's not like I can drop the baby off at Grandma's house.

Maybe a few hours away from him during the week is just the thing to help me be a loving and energized mommy. Happy mom, happy baby. Right?

So I am taking Liam to day care. To make myself feel better I would like to call it Mother's Day Out. Whoever came up with that name is a brilliant marketer. It makes a huge difference to the maternal psyche.

The first day he cried when I left which absolutely broke my heart. I ran my errands in about 45 minutes and then didn't know what to do with myself. I missed him. I had an existential crisis - who am I? Am I a person anymore without my child? Why do we have children if we let other people take care of them? What is the meaning of all this?

I went for a short walk on the beach and then picked him up. He was alive and seemed to still love me. I kissed him a hundred times and asked him to please forgive me for my selfishness.

The second day he cried again. But the third and fourth days when I dropped him off he didn't cry at all. I went to the gym and jogged for the first time in almost a year. I went to the beach with some childless girlfriends and soaked up a little sunshine. I've been to the grocery store and stopped at the hardware store and filled the car up with gas. Life does go on when mother and child are separated.

Today it's Mother's Day Out again. I still feel a little anxiety about leaving him. I am sad to be away from him. But I also feel like it would be so wonderful to use the gift card my mother-in-law gave me for a massage at La Luna. So I may just call and see if they can fit me in this afternoon.

On reflection, especially after that last sentence, I suspect some readers will consider me dramatic and self-absorbed to fret about leaving my child voluntarily for a few hours when many women need to leave their children in full-time day care as early as six weeks to work outside the home.

While others reading this really will think I'm lazy and shirking my responsibilities for leaving my young child in day care when I don't work. I know lots of moms who would never put their child in day care and their kids are years older than mine.

So I guess the ultimate parenting conflict of our modern time has moved from an abstract idea to a very personal issue for me - child care or no child care. And just like everything else about having kids, what is acceptable for one family may not be for another. Ultimately I must decide what it means to be a good mother and what is healthy for my child.

I may beat myself up a little but I am still taking him to the GAP today, so I guess I've made up my mind about it.

Happiness is having good neighbors

I know I've already said it a hundred times, so humor me here - I love my neighbors...

Just after I wrote this line my neighbor Karen skyped me. Her husband was not at home and a huge roach had just appeared in her living room. She used some expletives to express her horror over seeing the nasty little creature on her living room floor.

I told her I could help - we have our share of gigantic roaches in Texas. I grabbed one of C.J.'s shoes and hurried downstairs.

She chased the roach around her living room with a broom, and I smashed it with C.J.'s shoe. Even though its guts splattered all over the floor, we both screamed and ran into the kitchen as if the roach was going to blow up into a giant flesh-eating monster.

Then I used an excessive wad of paper towels to pick up the dead remains and throw them in the trash, which Karen promptly carried out to the garbage can. She said, "now I know why so many Texans own guns." (Karen is Canadian.)

How timely that incident happened as I sat down to write this. Karen said she was indebted to me for life for helping her extricate the little devil. But in reality I owe her for about 75 hours worth of parenting advice over the last five months, so we're even.

I read an article recently in Newsweek that said good neighbors were one of the top contributors to a person's happiness. I was surprised when I read that, but now I couldn't agree more.

I don't see my neighbors every day, and they aren't necessarily my best friends. We may not even have much in common. We're from different places and have different beliefs and interests. But we provide each other with some key things that make life easier: social outlets, security and resources.

If I'm feeling a little lonely I can walk outside and usually find someone around to have a quick conversation with. Just a little human interaction with a neighbor can lift my spirits.

On several occasions we've had barbecues or get-togethers with the neighbors. It's so convenient to be able to put your baby to bed at the scheduled time and then join the party right outside your door.

C.J. is away at class or the library for several hours a day. But I feel safe because I am rarely alone in my apartment building. If I'm in trouble I just have to look at the cars in the parking lot to determine whose door I will go go knocking on. If there is some emergency, say for example a large, creepy insect threatens your life, there's always someone to call for help.

And nothing saves you from an extra trip to the grocery store like a good neighbor. Need an egg? Butter? Chili powder? No problem. Someone is always happy to loan you that item you forgot.

If I listed all the times my neighbors have done something for me this blog would be about ten thousand words long. Faith let me use her oven when I mixed up a batter of muffins only to discover my propane was out. Abeni loaned me that egg.

Lexi took beautiful pictures of my baby. Sandy loaned me Tylenol when I got home from the hospital with Liam. Karen gave me a ride to the US Embassy before I could drive and brought me milk from the grocery store. Erica just stopped by and offered to hold my baby.

And for C.J., he's borrowed books and received endless advice from the neighbors who are a term ahead of him in school. And the neighbors in his term are his study buddies. The list goes on and on.

But what I love most about my neighbors, is that almost all of them have children. And that is special for several reasons.

1. It makes me feel less crazy about raising a baby in a foreign country, when my husband is in med school and we have no income. I'm not the only one!

2. I have five women to bug constantly for parenting advice. I have peppered them to death with questions on sleep training, soothing, nursing, developmental milestones, you name it.

3. Our building is a built-in play group. When we're going a little stir crazy inside, there is always someone to visit and help pass some of the slower hours in the day. Or, around 5 p.m. we often converge in the parking lot for spontaneous socializing.

4. Their kids are precious to me. It is so sweet to watch them grow up and to always be surrounded by beautiful, sweet children.

We're losing one of our great neighbors tomorrow when Lexi goes back to America for the birth of her second child. She's having some complications and she needs to be back in the states where she can get the best care. And Sandy made a sudden exit a few weeks ago when she went home to be with her ailing mother.

The crazy thing is that when we all leave this island we will likely never see each other again. And Liam will never know all the loving neighbors that held him or the babies here that were his first friends. So I had to organize a little group photo of the mommies that I rely on so much, before our numbers are depleted even further.

Karen will be leaving in January and Sandy is gone for good. Faith will be leaving some time in the spring. Lexi, Erica and I will all be gone by next May. But I will always remember the group of moms here that made all the difference in the world when my first child was born.

I love all of these women the way that you love people who go through a very special, intense and life-changing experience with you. I owe so much of my happiness here to these great neighbors.

Karen and Paul, Erica and Kylin, Lexi and Zane, Faith and Isla, me and Liam (missing: Sandy and Penny)

And is there anything cuter than men and their kids? Cameron, Zane, Chris, C.J. and Jeff - I am grateful that C.J. has these guys for moral support. (missing: Dan and Penny)

Family photos

Well, Lexi did it again. She took some lovely photos of our family last weekend. It took a little coaxing to get C.J. to agree to this. I told him it had been eight years since we had family photos, and he said, "Really? It seems like yesterday."

I reassured him that posing on a beach at sunset would not jeopardize his manhood. And we may not be as slim and youthful as we were in that first round of pictures so long ago, but now we have this cute baby to help us look good. How could he argue with that?

However, for his sake, after looking at these please scroll down to the last post and review the photo of him holding a 25-pound fish.

Wahoo!

Thankfully, for their sanity, even med students have fun sometimes. Yesterday C.J. was able to appreciate island life when he went on a fishing excursion off the coast of Grenada.

No fishing trip comes with a guarantee, so he was pretty excited to catch a 25-pound Wahoo (also known as Kingfish here). The trip was organized by C.J.'s good friend and classmate, Zane, who turned 30 this week. Appropriately, Zane caught the biggest fish on the trip.

C.J. and Zane with their 25 and 35 pound Wahoos, respectively

(photo courtesy of Captain Gary Clifford of True Blue Sportsfishing)

Med students turned fishermen

The day's catch - a Barracuda, two Wahoo and two Blackfin Tuna
C.J. to me when he got home: "Can we get one of these?"

This is a lot better than studying pathology

See the video of C.J.'s catch

P.S. Yes, C.J. got to keep his fish. We grilled some last night at a birthday party for Zane (which included a live band in our parking lot - what a fun day). And now we have a freezer full of fish. Pretty exciting since we rarely eat fish here (the irony).

An unlikely baby toy

Liam is already taking after his daddy. He loves chips. He doesn't know how to eat them yet, but he can entertain himself with an unopened bag for a good 10 minutes. The bag is light, crinkly and bulky, the perfect object for his little hands to grasp and squeeze.

I know the Winckler family will be so proud that this is one of Liam's first toys. Wincklers + chips = love. No family event would be complete without them. I can already see my job enforcing healthy nutrition is going to be a tough one.

Liam - all that and a bag of chips

Mom - next time can we get the Cajun Dill flavor?

Folks back home, notice the brand? Zapp's! The original Cajun kettle chip from little ole Gramercy, Louisiana. These are the most delicious chips, only available in Texas sometimes in some places but always available in Grenada. Go figure.

Meanwhile, back in SO land...

...while C.J. is doing all that studying I am living it up, island style. It is true that it can be lonely when you never get to see your husband. However, lest you feel sorry for me, let me describe my life for you. Let's just take last Saturday for example.

I got up at 6:30 a.m. with my darling baby who is now sleeping 11 or 12 hours a night. Since I had gone to bed at 10 p.m. I was rested and happy to see his sweet, smiling face. After a feeding and some holding and cooing he entertained himself on his play mat practicing his rollover moves and trying to eat his plastic toy keys.

I had my coffee, got myself ready and said goodbye to C.J. who was up and off to catch the bus to school by 8:30 a.m. At 9:30 a.m. Jovanna and Marguerite came over to sit with Liam so that I could attend a yoga class.

Leaving my baby in their capable hands (let me pause here and acknowledge that it is a big deal for people without kids to babysit on a Saturday morning so I really can't thank them enough) I was off to La Luna Resort to practice yoga at the most amazing outdoor pavilion situated right on the beach.

I made it to La Luna in time to nab a spot right in front so I could stare straight out at the crystal-blue water and feel the soft warm ocean breezes coming off the Caribbean Sea. During class I meditated on having a healthy mind and body so I can be a good mommy to Liam while I watched a few sail boats lazily drift by and listened to the sound of birds chirping in the trees.

At one point I noticed a tiny hummingbird flitting around some flower blossoms on a bush not three feet from me. It was the most beautiful and peaceful image, I hope I never forget it.

After class I had a chance to catch up with my friend Rachel who was also in attendance, thanked Lindsay (instructor, friend and fellow SO) for another awesome hour of yoga and walked down the most gorgeous white sand beach to my car.

Back at home Jo and Marg hung out with me and talked for a couple of hours while Liam took an afternoon nap. After they left, Liam woke up and we had more play time until I decided I was ready to get out of the house again.

So I called up my trusty walking buddy Brigit and she was game for an afternoon stroll. (here I must thank Brigit also for babysitting the previous Saturday while I went to yoga). We went on our typical route around our neighborhood where there are several vistas of the ocean. Liam rode along in his stroller - he likes to put his feet up on the front tray and kick back while I push him around.

After our walk I was home in time to cook dinner, give Liam a bath, feed him and get him to bed by his 7:30 bedtime. Then I took a shower, made some popcorn, plugged the baby monitor in and headed downstairs in my pajamas to my neighbor Karen's apartment for movie night.

Since all our med student husbands are studying furiously, the ladies in our building got together to watch The Duchess with Keira Knightley. After the movie we had a lively discussion about how much women's' lives have improved since the 18th century. He may spend a lot of time at school but C.J. never once pressured me for a male heir, so I have that to be thankful for.

I came back upstairs around 11 p.m. when C.J. finally made it home from the library. I think it is safe to say I had a better day then he did.

Not all my days are filled with so many activities. Some days go by slowly and involve a lot of mundane household chores. But thankfully I have an incredible network of friends to keep me busy and sane. And Liam is at a perfect age right now where he is such a sweet baby and easy to take care of. So med school is not all bad. For me, anyway.

Pathology

The life of a med student wife can be lonely sometimes, but the life of a med student is downright miserable.

This morning C.J. is taking his first pathology test. Pathology is known to be one of the most grueling classes of med school, and that's saying a lot. An excerpt from a page of C.J.'s path notes:

Hemodynamics

• Hemostasis is the process which prevents abnormal clotting as well as deficiency in clotting by regulation pro and anti-thrombic factors; depends on three main components - endothelium, platelets and coagulation cascade

1. Intact endothelium will secrete PGI(2) NO (=EDRF), thrombomodulin, and t-PA
2. Damage endothelium will exposure vWF in ECM, and secrete tissue factor and PAI (plasmminogen activator inhibitors which inactive t-PA)

Here is some map thingy that C.J. has to draw out for pathology:



Here's a picture of his desk that I took after he left for school this morning:

He has a packet of notes for each week he's been in pathology. Each packet is over 10 pages long and the font is about 8pt and single spaced. There are pages upon pages of sentences just like the ones I typed above. And that doesn't include the lecture PowerPoint slides and the practice quiz questions and the pictures of cells he has to memorize. There are not enough highlighter colors in the world for all these notes.

He's been studying at least 16 hours a day for the past week or so. That is 8 a.m. to midnight every day with maybe a 10 minute break here and there to eat or go to the bathroom or call me.

Pathology counts for 13 credit hours so it is a big deal. We know a scary number of people that have to repeat pathology. They elect to drop it and retake it if they are worried they won't pass because 13 hours of a failing grade can really damage the GPA.

The thing that makes pathology especially tough is the lab. In addition to lecture every morning, there is a pathology lab every afternoon Monday through Thursday where students are required to present material in their lab groups.

Which means every night they have to prepare said material. This is in addition to microbiology lectures and clinical skills lab, so after a full day at school from 8 to 5, C.J. comes home and has to prepare his lab presentation before he can study.

That leaves precious few hours to actually review and memorize all the lecture notes. In past semesters, there is a lot of material but a lot more time to study it.

The real killer is that C.J. also has a microbiology midterm this Friday. Since most of his time is tied up in lectures, labs and homework, he hasn't been able to devote much time to micro. This is another common problem with this semester. A lot of people end up repeating microbiology too.

So, when C.J. gets done with the path test today he has to cram like crazy for that test on Friday. And cramming is not something that you can really do in med school. There is just too much material to learn in three days. Even three 16 hour days.

Not to mention that he never gets a good night's sleep. He came to bed last night at 1 a.m. and woke up this morning at 6 a.m. so he is exhausted.

Why does anyone put themselves through this?? I don't know. Some things I am just not meant to understand.