It's so hard to believe that next month is my four-year anniversary of moving to Redding. I have lived here nearly as long as I lived in La Mirada/Whittier. Sometimes it feels like I've lived here for years, and other times it seems like I just moved here. There have been plenty of times in the past two years that I've hated living here and wanted to move. I don't love it as much as I used to. I'm hoping that once I'm teaching I learn again to love this town. For now, it holds so many negative memories because of all the bad changes I've had to endure. Then there are the times when I realize I moved away from everyone I know and love to get out of a despairing situation...only to leave everyone I know and love. They have all grown closer, see each other all the time, and have continued to build relationship. In the meantime, I have 1 true friend in Redding. If it weren't for my husband, moving to Redding would be a total and complete mistake. Here's the zinger though: my experiences here are invaluable. They've led me to my husband, my church, going back to school, and my 1 true friend. I may feel lonely a lot of the time but I have amazing coworkers and my 1 true friend brings so much love and laughter to my life. The individuals I have worked with and currently work with bring so much joy to my heart. Most importantly, the church I go to now has inspired me to go back to school and work diligently, as well as love more openly and be more patient and compassionate toward my husband. It has softened my hardened heart to life and has been used by God to lead me to him. Though I experience many, many dark days, I see how throughout everything I have been through in the past four years, God has had his hand in it all. He has never stopped loving me, caring for me, leading me, and shaping me. So many times I felt utter despair looking at what a mess my life was. Sometimes I still feel that way. But in spite of my feelings, God is unchanging. I am so loved!

The In-Between

Why does it feel like I am always in the "in-between" stage? I was told all growing up that I was a "woman-child": that awkward identity of growing bodies, uncertainties, and detestation of all things immature. Then when I went to college I felt like I was suspended between a dying past and an unattainable future. After college, I again was "in-between" as I struggled between the lonely singlehood of post-college life and the expectations of a full-time working adult. And now, here I am, married with a full-time job (happy anniversary to me...I have been lead staff for 1 year!) and I STILL feel like I'm somehow in-between. I don't have a lucrative, fulfilling job. I live in a shitty apartment in a shitty part of town. My bachelor's degree is useless. And without kids and stuck paying student loans, I'm confined to my apartment desperately searching for exciting movies and intriguing books with which to pass the time. I have 1 friend in this town and since she has a kid (along with everyone else), I unfortunately am left to my own devices for far too much time each day. I sleep too much. How is it that someone can be so blessed in such hard economic times and still feel despondent? I am even back in church, serving even, and yet I feel like my life is wasting away. My marriage is meaningful and fulfilling and growing all the time, but other than that it feels as though I am standing still and life is passing me by. I used to feel like I was so full of passion, yearning, and expectation. I always looked forward to the future and the adventures I would have. I went to Russia, Mexico, Scotland. I spent hours with professsors and other students discussing theology, philosophy, social issues, literature, politics. Before, it felt like there was a living stream constantly running inside me, keeping me full and clean and growing. Not anymore. I know I do meaningful things in my life. I know I try hard to be accepting, forgiving, and understanding. I know I offer my time and energy to my job for the sake of the individuals I serve. I know I mean the world to my husband (and he to me!). And yet, it seems to me that I am spiraling deeper and deeper into depression. Is my long-loathed itchy foot a natural device that keeps me growing, instead of a parasite that compels me to run from my problems? I'm starting to think so. I have been here in this town and this field of work for almost 4 years now and I am DYING. So much so that I have started to give up any hope of furthering my education, moving into different loves of life, and figure having kids will make me happier and occupy my time. Yikes. No matter what I decide to do with myself, I will unfortunately be stuck "in-between". In fact I suspect this is a side effect of life itself. After all, Paul wrote, "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead..." (Phil. 3:13). Maybe someday, though, I will feel at least a little more satisfied...

The System Has Failed.

I should be sleeping for another 2 hours. But I am wide awake and fraught with worry. We have failed. This is not a new observation. Did we forget that we were forgiven of our sins? That we had all condemned ourselves? That there is no one righteous, not one? That with the measure with which we judge others we too will be judged? That the sun shines on the righteous and the wicked? In all the great preaching and teaching of today, we have still failed. We have still become a people so ready and willing to point fingers without forgiveness, dole out justice without mercy, and forget that while we were still sinners Jesus died for us. Why are we so insistent on being "right"? Doesn't "right" mean giving love and forgiveness where it is undeserved, showing mercy and generosity, being humble in spite of our own feelings of insecurity or hurt pride? When did it become ok to be blatantly self-righteous, not listening to other peoples' advice but imposing our own perverted interpretations of morals onto others? The system has failed. We are all guilty of it. I see it in myself. I see it in people all around me who call themselves Christians. We have forgotten to forget what is past and to press on toward to the goal. WE have failed.

I am happily married. My husband is patient, thoughtful, attentive, hard-working, and kind. My wedding was far from perfect, but I got to do something most brides don't: married the love of my heart and saw families heal and unite in spite of imperfections. I am beyond blessed and I should be the happiest girl on the face of the earth.

Yet I am plagued with insecurity, anxiety, doubt, listlessness, depression. On the whole, I am unhappy. My mom preaches that we should choose joy. It is not as simple as making a choice. That choice is fraught with obstacles, the biggest one being myself. How do I choose joy when it feels like my heart is muted, blurred, sinking? I am faced again with the challenge of dying to myself.

My ankle bears ink 6 years old declaring "sacrifice". Luke 9:23 is forever etched into my skin, reminding me that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and I am to take up my cross and bear it daily...for Him. I firmly believe that Jesus gives life abundantly, in the here and now. However, I also see that Paul had a thorn in his side, one he requested to be removed. Thst request was denied.

Mental illness is not something that is easily alleved. It permeates every part of life and alienates you from others. It can be assuaged with medication and therapy, but the fact of the matter is, it will remain a thorn in my side for life. The only remedy is to choose joy. The only way to choose joy is to die to myself, over and over again, every day.

I still cannot believe I am getting married...in just under 5 months I'll be walking down the aisle in my white gown, in front of my friends and family, and toward Bobbie. We'll be officially becoming our own family. We'll share a last name. We will share much much more further down the road, but it all starts on May 19th. Technically we share a lot already, but we're really just boyfriend and girlfriend committed to each other. Marriage is something so...permanent.

Over the past year, I've questioned whether or not I am ready to be a married woman. I was very fiery in college and never thought I'd settle down in one place. Of course Bobbie and I don't necessarily have to become an old married couple right away, but having another person in your life means you have to consult them on job changes and moving, and even down to the little things like what kind of milk to buy or which car you're taking to work. The questioning has nothing to do with cold feet or whether or not I love Bobbie. It has everything to do with how incredibly different of a turn my life has taken.

The great thing about it all is how well we fit together. The only restrictions we place on each other are the ones we actually place on ourselves in consideration of the other person. So if I felt like I should move to Russia, or become a teacher, or join a church, there would be no issue with Bobbie. If he decided to move to Alaska, build a cabin in the woods, or become a logger, there would be no issue with me. We may not LIKE it, but we support each other in whatever we do. We talk it out, weigh the pros and cons, and tell the truth about each other. Then we support whatever decision we make.

It's the ideal relationship for a backwoods bubba and a big-city Feminist. Still, just the THOUGHT of me being married is...strange. Even my sister says so ("Who ARE you?!). In a way, it's a dream come true. I don't feel confined by our relationship. In fact, I feel that in many ways it has set me free. It's motivated me to get personal issues taken care of and learn to live with myself instead of constantly running away. I've actually gotten to put into practice Feminist ideals of equality, especially when it comes to decision-making. I've gotten experience with which to counsel friends now instead of just going off of what I think is logical or wise at the time. In short, God has perfectly designed every step of my life, right up to me becoming a married woman.

All the stress of the wedding aside, and all of the hurdles we've had to overcome aside, it IS actually exciting that I am getting married. I get to start my own family, learning from the mistakes of all the ones I come from. We get to create our own space where we live how we want and feel accepted and like we belong. We get to have children someday to love, teach, and help develop and Lord help us, get through teenage years. We've chosen alternative lifestyles and being ourselves in those lifestyles, we get to walk through life together, starting May 19th.

I should be finishing up research for my essay but I can't concentrate. 1, because I have self-diagnosed adult ADD. And 2, because the constant changes in life are overwhelming me again in polar ways. There are so many beautiful things about my life and yet there are so many painful realizations made and lessons being learned that sometimes I feel like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

The most beautiful thing about my life is Bobbie. He is a great guy, he is so good to me, and he loves me more than anything. And in turn, I love him more than anything. Days when I feel this I am so thankful to be alive and I feel God's love so clearly and serenely. I still can't believe that I have a fiance who is as amazing as he is and that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. Being loved right changes you, even the way you carry yourself. I was grocery shopping for the house I work at yesterday and walking through the store I just felt LOVED, even though I hadn't talked to Bobbie or seen him in a couple hours. It just hits me like that sometimes. It's a wonderful gift and nothing compares to it.

And I am so blessed to have the job that I do. I have great co-workers and an understanding boss. And though it took months, I love my clients. One of them calls me even on my days off, and she took the time and money to get me a birthday present this past week. I miss my clients at IPS like crazy but I am very blessed to have the ones I have now.

At the same time, my job is hard. First it was hard because it was a decrease in pay and I didn't have my old group from IPS. And then Danny died. No counseling was available to me and the only recognition I got for taking care of the situation was a coffee cup and some creamer, paid for by leftover money from Danny's fund. And then Kerri died. Thankfully she is at peace and in no more pain. I got to see her take her last breath and it was so bittersweet; THAT is how death should be. And yet it hurts to know that she is not with us anymore even though we all knew she could go at anytime. This part makes me hate my job. I never signed up for any of this; working in this field was a temporary thing until I went back to Grad School. I wasn't even supposed to stay in Redding beyond a year. But things happened and here I am, in Redding for the long haul and probably in this field for the long haul.

I miss my old life sometimes. It's not as bad as it used to be, especially since visiting friends and family make me realize how much I have changed and how I truly belong here with Bobbie and my new friends and family in Redding. I miss being in school, but I'm in school now and I hate it. I'm not even sure I want to be a teacher. It will be low pay for high stress and if I can get into a management position at this company then I will get to help write ISPs and teach and train, which is all the stuff I love. Teaching elementary school was partly because I'm good at it and partly because I wanted to make a difference in peoples' lives. Well, I am doing that now. Taking care of Danny and Kerri was an honor, especially since we had to watch Kerri die. I got to be a part of her life being so much better. This is a job not many people can do, but plenty of people are trying to become teachers. So much so that the state of California is still having to lay off teachers at the end of every school year. Becoming a teacher is now a back-up plan and me being smart; I already have a degree, can teach, and will have medical benefits and a career as a teacher. Yet I will be working long hours, away from my family, and all in the midst of trying to START a family. It will be hard if I ever get into teaching, but I'm trying to be smart about it. Hating school, though, is a strange concept to me and an even stranger feeling. I still might quit, unless God has other plans for me.

Lastly, my relationship with God feels so strong and so weak at the same time. For once in my life I am LIVING out the type of Christian life I always felt called to. I am taking care of people, I am making sacrifices, I am there for people when they need me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Yet my morals don't exactly feel godly. I don't go to church. I hardly ever read the Bible. And I don't ever have prayer time. I pray all the time, but I don't carve out time for God, even though I was created for him and was meant to be in communion with him.

Life is full of black and white ideas, concepts, and feelings, making for very gray truths. The funny thing is that this seems to balance me out, and it is in times like these that I feel the most loved, the most blessed, and the most grateful for everything in my life. I feel like I'm growing and learning and I get excited about change instead of fearing it as usual. This all goes back to what CD and VZ and Malandra taught me, that life is not black and white; it is ambiguous and it is beautiful.

Today something happened regarding my credentialling program that ended up making me cry. Really, really hard. What happened is irrelevant; how it changed my way of thinking is.

I got to thinking: it's time for a change. And I mean a positive change. My life in the past year has been a roller coaster of alternate realities not even the Twilight Zone can rival. The job changes, the changes within the jobs, Danny passing away, my ridiculously priced ticket, being sick, school being hell...what makes it so hard is that even after the particular traumatic event passes, my heart is still left hurting and I'm damaged psychologically even more than I was before. That is life, I understand that and as hard as it is to deal with I will come to grips with it in at least one of my alternate realities.

In the meantime, I am wondering what signs, what lessons, what messages have been zooming over my head, in one ear and out the other...yeah you get the point. If I am supposed to teach, am I supposed to teach Special Education? And if so, should I be going to a different school, where I can interact with students and professors and have study sessions and a library available to me? Specifically, if I am going to go to school then shouldn't I be getting the school experience that made me love it so much? If I am not supposed to teach Special Education, then is that service coordinator job for me? Or should I stay exactly where I am, as a part-time DSP, and work my way up the Bethesda ladder, or at least wait until I get a full-time position? And if all of that is not to be, then have I really come full circle and should go back to school for English?

Whatever I do, I need money. That's the sad part. If I could, I would go to school forever and work as a part-time DSP right alongside it so I could pay the bills. I would have kids and be at home with them when I could and work when I needed to. But money does not have to rule my life. I still have the choice to live a happy, fulfilling life where I am helping people and showing God's love. The most important thing is that I am doing it in the way God designed for me to, and not only to be happy or have an easy life. There is more to life than "happy" and "easy". And yet, the bills still need to be paid.

Career and schooling aside, it is making me think about my writing. I have been reading on Facebook about everyone getting to go to Ireland, working for publishing companies, writing grants, and talking to Aimee Bender (!!!!). I was most certainly not the best writer but I WAS part of an amazing writing community and was encouraged by at least a few of them to continue on with my writing. It couldn't hurt anything or anyone to keep writing and then submit my works to different magazines. It'll at least give me something to do, in addition to Brieanna's blog. As I said in the last entry, writing is a way of life for me. It is an outlet, both creatively and emotionally. It is a way to communicate with people. It's entertainment. It can be light and funny or deep and soul-searching, diving into the depths of humanity and the joys and tragedies of life. Whether other people read it or not, and whether I get paid for it or not, it is a part of me and something I should be doing anyway.

So, as always, getting screwed over and crying my eyes out til my nose leaked all over my fiance (ah, love) has actually turned into my professional life actually looking up for the first time in a long time. Life sucks and it's beautiful.