3 Days of Highs and Lows

Ended 3rd day at my new workplace.

Day 1 felt anxious and lost.
Day 2 Continue Lost...but was happy and delighted after receiving the long distance call.
Day 3 felt the stress start piling up.

My feelings about this new company has just been weird.
1st day got immediate transfer to the other parent company. Havent been introduced to anyone nor anyone to me. Uncomfortable to some extend when until Day 3 I still duno the people around me and most of them doesnt seemed to be friendly also. Keeping myself most of the time. It just seems that no one bothers who I am and what I am doing.

Hopefully the days after will be better bah.......

Family problems never fail to pull my feeling down

Why must I always be the one to be considerate in the family? 

Just some time ago, I had been told to pack rice for my brother if I know he is not working and is at home and to pay the internet fees for him. Reason been that he is my brother and I earn more than him. So I had furthered my studies for higher pay just to support another person. So what have I done wrong? The only thing I did was to be more considerate and not create any problems in the family to my mum since young, doing all the housework while she work, cooking meals for him & his friends, preparing breakfast for my mum, changing things like TV, Audio, blu-ray and etc; and all these brought me more problems than happiness. 

I had already given up hope trying to be like normal kids/ people around since I start to understand life. No matter how hard I try, it will just not work out to be it is. Growing up in a Single-Parent family has already been tough but I have went through it and surviving but the next phrase of my life after I have grown up will be harder and harder financially. I have long given up the thought of setting up my own family after my army life when I had gone out to work and understands how hard it is to set up a family when my own will burden me forever. And perhaps I never want to start any relationship and cause burden to another person/family. With the personality of mum whom isn't keen to take actions to make life better but choose to complain this and that and a brother whom had been always putting the blame on everyone in the family for his messed up life and sick body. Who really cares of what I am thinking and what my plans were? No one is interested and I am getting tired year after year and hoping the end will be near to relieve me from all these. Perhaps I am not strong enough and do not earn enough like bankers, brokers, insurance agents, property agents and etc but what I know is that I had put in the same amount of effort like them in my job and striving hard to change my life but this age, I am exhausted already. Living a short life could be better. Perhaps I have chose to run away from problems but these aren't things that I can resolve or make any difference.   

Pissed Off by Tat BITCH

It was actually a fine day until this Bitch (Boss PA) start to indirectly "suan" and "poke" me during her conversation with my senior whom is sitting beside me so she meant to say it to me to hear. The relations between me and her have been always fluctuating after series of events. The last devastating email which I sent to my colleague (whom we then after fell apart but still talking about work yesterday) cc to the others mentioning the unauthorised use of my email and people including that bitch using my table for her plants; didn't seemed to affect her that much but today the way she treat me totally changed. I suspect it was because of her msg yesterday asking me to buy coffee. Am I at fault? Why am I always getting all the unfair treatment?

Whats Wrong with My Life

Its Wednesday. 3rd Working Day after my 4 days Refresher. 

Today am on MC. 

Took MC to rest at home and at the same time sort out my thoughts on work. Stay On and push through for another 6 months and end of my contract OR Move-On with my life to a better place. Before today my mind has been telling me to just move-on. Perhaps the sick and tired feeling of here that I felt 3 months back has once awaken through events that happened last week. Didn't know what I am doing at work, how am I helping in this company as my role and etc. Problem lies in how do I fit into this environment which I have finding since Day 1. 

Since my return after that incident last week, everything has changed internally within my department. Communication totally stopped between me and that girl which still pissed me off but I like the current situation. Things which I have bottled up had been release, no more require to hold back and give her face anymore. But I hate the sucky feel for the past 2 days. Things they do with reference to my email content last week truely draw the line clear. Even today when I'm on MC, my boss PA specially sms me to tell me boss asked her to place drawings on my table for my reference. My senior whom had always been borrowing my calculator from time to time had this time borrow from my boss PA instead. Small gestures as such are very much detectable by someone who is so sensitive like me. What had I did wrong? It was nothing of my fault, I just merely declared these issues that have been always there bothering me which none seem to react to my comments. With reference to that incident last week, my boss and senior chose to end it as per it is and not talk about it. I didn't feel good at all, all of these reactions appear to me that its my fault.

Seeing all these, I just totally gave up. Like what I mentioned last week, no more trust in anyone. Do what I am only asked to do and nothing more. Only do what is rightfully and do not help others (her) in works she did not do. If they chose not to react to wrongful acts (like her) then I shall follow what she does. Like being 20-30mins late (She was late for 1 hr yesterday), Leave on-the-dot, only attend meeting if I am required. Determination of this shall come from instruction by Boss / Senior, otherwise no instruction, I will just stay at my sit. Still seeking for answers.....

Pissed Off Monday-Tuesday

Had been damn pissed off with the acts of my colleague whom I have asked for her help to send out calenders but end up in a big MESS. Having refresher course and trying to react to the replies from various parties due to her misused of my email to send calender has kept me very busy with work for whole Monday. Unforgivable act. Emailed to complain and felt worst, my boss and senior doesn't seem to be standing on my side. Disappointing and gave up. No more trust in anyone at work. Heart Death.

Sent on Monday Night

As mentioned over the phone this morning, I am very pissed off on what had been done today with the use of my email to send out calendar without my authorization. I have to deal with all the mess created (Email replies from various parties like QS, AES, client and etc) the whole day throughout my reservice and even getting calls from client in the evening just because the calendar was sent out under my Name.

For your information, Personal emails are very sensitive and I believe before going off on Monday I only allow you to assess my computer for files and definitely I did not agree for you to use or even open my mailbox. I am not dealing this personal BUT I do not ALLOW such mistakes to occur. I had to even come back all the way from Yishun to deal with this. I have changed my Computer Password and WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE to open my computer with my permission after this incident.

Dear ALL

Please refrain from using my desk for your office or personal things. If really required, please clear EVERYTHING before I come back or else I will dump everything to the rubbish bin if I see it when I am back.

Reply from My Snr

Ren He

Understand your frustration, but the only way to alter the calender is through the initatior, my fault, I should not have ask you to calender out for me since I knew you are going for reservist. Problem occurs also due to last minutes changes, that's why have to change again. And also, please rest assure that we are not out there to mess up your table. I did borrow your calculator cause use in meetings, I put back into your drawer but might not be the correct position, aceept my apologize. No more writing of emails, please, we can talk again when you are back. Enjoy your training.

Reply from Me

The initial calenders sent on Mon by me for the usual Tue and Wed Meeting have already been cancelled on Mon after it was commented. Those sent yesterday were ALL NEW.

Its my mistake to give her my com password and believe in anyone, I have learn my lesson and this will never happen again.

Reply from My Boss

Hello folk- following up just a call to each other and use your own email to send out, please do not use each other computer unless I am aware.

Please do not use each other email for work.

Reply from Her

I have used Ren He’s computer upon his request to help out and he is aware with agreement when he gives me his password.

I am not able to make changes thru my computer as I am not the initiator of the calendar for this meeting. At the same time, I did not receive any emails from Patrick with regards to the changes of timing (only after Ren He sms me that I realized there is changes requested) as such I have to use his computer.

However, after several changes to the calendar, I have decided to use my computer instead as not to confuse the matter further.

I just felt disappointed as I’m just doing my part as a colleague to help upon request and yet this is what I deserve for helping.

Reply from My Boss

Ok noted  in future any changes just go out from your own computer.

Tired. Gave up with eveyone. Start Looking again.......

Emo or Not?

Had this weird feeling again on events happened today. 

1st was screaming over the phone to Standard Chartered Card Officer for reminding me for payment a day before DUE...(w.t.f. AXS & SAM need 2 days to process payment, calling me at 4plus isn't it too late?? And received call last week to inform me that I need to pay another $100 to meet the minimum payment for month of Sept'11 and Oct'11 will only be out on 22nd. I had proceed with the payment already and today inform me my Oct'11 bill is due TOMORROW !! Screamed at the lady officer opposite the phone and said I am NOT GOING TO PAY FOR THE LATE FEES DUE TO YOUR FAULT.

2nd issue was receiving message from a friend that requested for my resume to be sent to her for her senior to see. I had already sent it to their HR 3 weeks back and no news since. The purpose of asking me to send in my resume directly is because her senior do not want foreigner and prefer locals. Their HR had selected a foreigner and the senior is not pleased with it. Well after cooling down for a few hours, I still find no reason why I am seemed to be a "replacement" or sort of. And its my 2nd try, 1st was 2 years back. Just find that they are not sincer to hire people and is wasting my time. I do not think I deserve to be treated as a "replacement" in any way. In addition I am not in that urgent condition to look for job and will not take up such offer even so. Well perhaps this is the least amount of self confidence I have in myself. And had mentioned to my friend I will NEVER TRY YOUR COMPANY AGAIN. 2 times of disappointment is enough. For the moment I will be staying put in this job till further notice I guess. 

Work Peaking Up

Its already End September, 3 months to end of 2011. Entering 5th Month at work but am not feeling any better in fitting into this environment as of 5 mths back. I still doubt that day will never come. As work flow gradually increased, Life at work is getting tiring and tons more of stress. Still am telling myself to hang-in there. Its just 1 Year and will do, everything will end in just 7 more months. But these 7 months are filled with lots of fear and doubt which I don't know if I can overcome. Praying hard I will bah.