25 Dec 2011

What boredom does!

So here i am, back to my self destructive behavior..and I thought that that era was over..long gone..never coming back! Why is too hard to stick to doing what you're supposed to do? Even when you like it!!! Is it a weakness? A pattern? History enjoys being repeated? Or plain stupidity:-/?!! 
I would like to re-name it to "natural human behavior" it's safer that way.. Not much of guilt:D

Life has been too good to me lately,,just way too perfect! It's good! I like it! الحمدلله! 

I should not post this..it's pathetic:-/ but again, life is all about experience and learning aaaand making mistakes la!

Simple!

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10 Sept 2011

Summer of 2011

Disclaimer: before you start reading, I would like to emphasize on the fact that this is my first visit to India! Anything and everything I've seen or experienced there is totally new to me! I've described it in the way I saw it at that time. If you ever feel that am being rude, then forgive me. It's plain honesty. Am only describing my feelings at each step of the way. No offense intended to anyone:)

India! Where? How? And what to begin with?
You can never imagine how much enlightening the trip was!! I am overwhelmed myself!
So, the story is, I went to India this summer for some medical training. As part of it is to spend between 6-8 weeks in any hospital around the world, other than your own teaching institution in the summer before your final year, something known as an "elective" course. Why did I choose India? Well, I wanted a place where I can see the "maximum" number of different cases without the patients refusing my presence:) a place that allows me to examine patients. That place needs to not be very far away from Oman and not very expensive so I can stay as long as I want without draining my parents' pockets:D this all worked out when I got accepted at Christian Medical College in Vellore, Chennai, a leading hospital in India and one of the top three hospitals in the country! I wanted to do Ob/Gyn for the whole period and I got what I wanted, or almost:p
So I managed to get a place to stay in-campus which was just perfect! Saved me the trouble of staying outside alone! Before the trip, I asked a couple of students who have been there before about the place so I don't get shocked or lift up my expectations. After all, this is India! However, no amount of preparation could have ever prepared me for it! And am not exaggerating! It was a shock...
It all started as soon as I left the airport... The smell was the first thing that hit me! It was as if sewage water was running on the ground! So I tried not to sniff much:p it was hot, humid, and drizzling:D that's the best part of it! The rain:) Cars were of different sizes and shapes if I can say so.. There were some that I haven't seen anything like them before! People were EVERYWHERE around us! Like a real crowd! A real real crowd! (please forgive me! Everything was overwhelming to me). I remember that while my sisters and friends were all over the place, happy, taking pix, I wanted to cry! I had this urge to cry! It was scary.. And I didn't want to admit that deep inside, am already doubting myself if I had made a huge mistake.
On the road to Vellore, which is 2.5 hours away from Chennai, we saw how life in India is like! Cars use horns to communicate with each other! Houses were of different beautiful colors: purple, pink, blue, green, and in combinations and mixtures that looked different but gorgeous! Kids are running around without shoes, some even without clothes! There were cows everywhere,, dogs,, goats,, cows,, more cows! (you get the idea)! And garbage! Lots and lots of garbage... I had my mouth wide open for quite some time before I realized it:-/ I closed my eyes for the remainder of the trip, and tried to let my mind escape to, well, anywhere else!
Okay enough of the negativity:p as soon as we entered the campus, everything has changed. It was like a huge garden, with different looking houses and buildings ( as if were built in different era's)! Some with cement, others with stones! We went to our house, left our stuff, and headed straight to the administrative offices to get all the papers done. Don't worry I won't bore you with the details and I'll go straight to the fun part:D the campus was absolutely beautiful! It washed out all the horrible feelings I had at the beginning of the trip! I enjoyed walking around! Am not sure though what exactly attracted me to the place. Was it the fresh air? The greenery? The century-old buildings? or all if it! Of course I also enjoyed wandering around the place on my own! Looking at people:p to my surprise, there were many MANY international students who came here for different purposes: electives, observership, research! I think, we OMCians, were the only Arabs in the place which explains all the stares at us:'D Bottom line is, I would go back there anytime again:)
We stayed there for four weeks. We went to Bangalore one weekend, Chennai in another, a little place called Yelagri Malai once, and stayed in Vellore for the major part enjoying the different cultural experiences it had provided! There was always something going on in campus! Dance competitions, singing competitions, sports competitions. It all made me look differently at Indian arts:)
Before I move to another topic, I want to tell you few things about the other places I've been to. Bangalore was nice! A definition of a city. It felt like we were in Muscat:) and the weather was beyond amazing! Cool breeze at times and sudden rains at others:) <-- you can tell by now how much I ADORE rains! We enjoyed going to the mall, drinking coffee in the morning, eating fast food:D for sometime, I wished if I had gone to a hospital there instead of CMC! But I changed my mind as soon as I interacted with people there! Just like in any other city, people there, simply put, are too busy to give a damn about you! No one smiles at you or even returns it back! Mean.
Chennai, and what can I say about Chennai! As soon as we arrived, I felt suffocated! The streets were busy busy busy busy! Full of cars and people and noise and noise and more noise:( I wanted to go inside ANY shop, just to feel.. quietness! But they were also crowded! Went to another, bigger, shop, but it was crowded too! Checked other floors, and they were also crowded:( went down the street, but it was congested with people:( I felt like screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Get me the hell out of here! I remembered Oman:( beautiful, quiet, empty Oman! I missed it sooooooooo much at that time:( the crowd just didn't let me see what the city has to offer. And sadly, I wasn't on good grounds with it to get past the craziness and try to enjoy! The only good part is when we went to the beach. God bless whoever suggested that! Sitting on the sand listening to the sound of waves, it did calm me... I love nature! To give Chennai some credit, the beach there is a must visit! Huge space with lots of fun stuff to do! Beach games, little stalls for ice cream and drinks, flying kates, ridding horses! It was relaxing!
And last but not least, Yelagri Malai:) I heart that place! It's a mountainous village, with lots to offer for tourists! Boating, musical fountain, and good food! ( that's plenty for a small village a couple of hours away from Vellore btw). You can check my instagram photos of the place with the hashtag #Yelagri.

Moving on! People are very nice and sweet! Very generous too! It's one of the beauties of small villages. You don't see the rudeness! Living in cities can change people. Makes them heartless:-/
I love Vellore <3 did I say that before? :p

I am glad that for our last two weeks, some guys from OMC joined us! Don't get me wrong but as girls who haven't been out on our own before, moving around alone wasn't easy! And hello, it's India after all! When they came, we started taking public buses to move around instead of autos:) honestly, it saved a lot of cash! A trip to the hospital costs us 60 rupees by an auto and 3 rupees by bus!!!!! See!!!!! I told you;) we also tried the "fresh" juices from the streets! Something everyone warned us NOT to do but we did haha:D they have really tasty fruits! And no-one got sick and we didn't need vaccines:-/ ( 3 weeks after I came back, I got amoebic dysentery, something one gets from drinking dirty water,, but hey, don't tell anyone;) ) we also went out of campus at night instead of spending it in the house:)
So, if you ever go there, make sure you take proper vaccinations, drink bottled water only, drink from the plastic bottled fizzy drinks not the glass refillable ones, and wash your fruits zain:) yeah! And visit the following places: Vellore fort! A historical place with a temple and a museum inside (I didn't enter so don't have much details)! College hill! A mountain infront of CMC Bhagaym campus. Very easy to climb and the scenery from the top is amazing. The Golden Temple! No cameras are allowed inside. It's huge and was a good experience for Muslims who haven't seen temples before from inside like me:) made me much more appreciative for being born a Muslim! Ghandi road! It's the road opposite to the hospital! It has everything you would want as a tourist to shop! Hmm, and the restaurants! It's spicy everywhere! I tried china town restaurat which is on Ghandi road ( don't let the name fool you! Vellore doesn't have a "china town"! It's just an attractive name to fool tourists who can be easily fooled like me) there is also "Curry and Hurry" for fast food! Darling Resident, a hotel with a nice resaurant where international students gather to dine there every Wednesday! A great oppertunity to meet new people and share ideas and thoughts.

For details about my experience in the hospital, I would be happy to share it with you in private lol! Just email me:)

Oh oh oh! Did I mention that we got invited to a wedding:D? Not really got invited, we just went in:p and it was a wedding reception actually! Well you know, we were just excited:p it wasn't the Bollywood fancy celebration but it was definately something! People were nice! I love Vellore and its' people!

I hope that with this post, I highlighted my best and worst experiences in India. I would advice anyone to go there. Way too enlightening! There is just always something new to learn! And sorry for delaying this post. The "writing mood" didn't seem to want to come;)
You can check my stream of photos on instagram! I've been uploading throughout the trip. I can't upload any photos at the moment:)

After I came back, I thought I need to do more training but then I was told that four weeks would do I'd done outside Oman. So I enjoyed spending the holy month of Ramadhan at home with family, relaxing, preparing myself for the toughest year in my medical education! The final year:)
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31 Aug 2011

العيد..

من هنا مر العيد

ترى لماذا أصبح العيد يزورنا كالغريب
ويمر علينا مرور الكرام؟!! 

(١)
منذ سنوات
 كتبت مقالاً بعنوان
"تعالوا نجامل العيد"
وكنت جادة فيماكتبت
لإحساسي التام
بأن العيد
قد فقد أهميته لدى الكثيرين منا
وأصبحنا نفتح أبوابنا في وجهه
" كالضيف الثقيل"
ونستقبله فقط
من باب العادة.. والواجب!

(٢)
 لكن مَن منّا
نجح أن يجامل العيد
ويحسن استقباله باسماً
ويُكرِمه إكرام الضيف العزيز
ويقضي على إحساسه بالغربة
ليلة العيد
ويحرر نفسه من همومه وأحزانه
ليلة واحدة فقط

(٣)
ترى
مالذي تغير؟
نحن؟ أم العيد؟
ولماذا تخيم علينا في ليلة العيد
سحابة من الذكرى والحنين
ونعيش حالة الإفتقاد
والبحث عن شئ ما؟

(٤)
ففي ليلة العيد
تستيقظ كل المشاعر النائمة في داخلنا
والتي ظنناها قد لفظت أنفاسها إلى الأبد
وتطرق أبوابنا كل الوجوه المهاجرة
ويرتدي الحنين أجمل حُلله
وتتراقص الذكريات أمامنا
كالقتيل الحي

(٥)
وكأننا في ليلة العيد
نتعمد أن نتذكر كي نحزن
ونتعمد أن نحزن كي نفسد على أنفسنا
متعة الفرح
وكأن الرابط بيننا وبين الحزن ازداد قوة
فأصبحنا نتجاهل الفرح من باب الوفاء
للحزن

(٦)
لماذا لا نفرح؟
ولماذا نخبئ الفرح في صناديق مغلقة
 وندفنه في غياهب الجب؟
فهل أصبحنا نخاف الفرح؟
أم أن ثمن الفرح أصبح باهظاً
فأصبحنا إن فرحنا نفرح بالتقسيط
وأصبحنا إن فرحنا نتساءل
ماذا سيكون الثمن؟

(٧)
ولماذا أصبح الفرح يأتي ممزوجاً بالخوف
ونترقب بعد كل ضحكه نضحكها نبأً سيئاً
 ونردد بعد كل نوبة ضحك جميلة
اللهم اجعله خيراً
وكأن الفرح أصبح مقدمة مؤقتة وقصيرة
لنوباتٍ من الحزن الأسود؟

(٨)
 إذن
لابد أن نزرع كي نجني ما زرعناه
ولابد أن نتعامل مع الفرح بتفاؤل أكبر
وحماسةٍ أشدّ
ولابد أن نفي مناسباتنا الجميلة حقها من
الفرح
كي لا تطحن رحى الحزن أجمل أيامنا
أو تمتد يد الحزن إلى أعماقنا
 فتسرق لحظاتنا الجميلة

(٩)
جربوا لو مرّة واحدة
أن تفرحوا ليلة العيد
وجربوا
أن تحبوا الفرح بإخلاص
كي يقيم معكم بحب واطمئنان
وجربوا
أن تضحكوا من القلب
دون أن تضعوا أيديكم
على صدوركم
وترددوا بأسى
"اللهم اجعله خيراً"

(١٠)
وأخيراً
عيدكم مبارك
فمن هنا مر العيد
ومن هنا سيمر العيد دائماً
فالعيد كالأوفياء الصادقين
لا يخلف موعده
ولايهجرنا أبدا

لِ شهرزاد الخليج.

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28 Aug 2011

Test

This is a test post to see if I can post from my mobile directly:)

Simple
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20 Jun 2011

a lie is way better than the truth!

Is it too much to ask for a little bit of understanding to my mental status now?!!!!!!
I don't want your sympathy! I don't want your pity! I don't want you to freaking tell me "come ooooon, it's the truth"! you think I don't know the truth???!!! Or worse "you brought it on yourself"!!! #ShootMe


lie to me!
I am serious..lie to me!
am not stupid, I can tell that you are lying and you know that I understand that clearly...so why not?! It's definitely better than the ugly truth!
For the first time in my life, I can't be happy.. I can't "feel" happy.. or pretend that everything is going to turn out "just" great because it effin' isn't! I am drowned into a deep state of depression that writing here is all I have left!

If you are not going to make me "feel" happy, don't bother talking! Don't make it worse! You awe me, at least, this much.

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12 Jun 2011

Do I really care?!!

It's a ranting session. Don't read if you are not interested!


"I don't care!"
It's a lie. It's a lie that I keep telling myself. And no matter how ignorant I try to be, no matter how many "whatever moments" I show to others, I still do. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus in class. I can't stay up to date with my friends. And I can't keep pretending that I don't care even if that is all I feel!!!!
But deep inside, I do. And it's driving me crazy.

I just lost my drive. I don't feel like going on anymore. I need a freaking break!!!!
I hate whatever is making me feel this way. Stupid!


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