A Song in My Heart

When you are not around am feeling,

Like a piece of me is missing,

When it feels like the day is closing in,

Somehow I find the faith to make it through,

When am with you..

(By Westlife)

A Song in My Heart

Thoughts

The place is empty!!

it's really creepy..Maybe after all,,I no longer want to try to be in this place..my love for adventures, for something new, something different does no longer drive me like it used to do!!And probably, am no longer hiding behind that cool calm girl..I guess it's just me..It has been me all along..

As it will always be.

Thoughts

Opinions,,1

Okay,,in this 6 weeks holiday, i did some reading..non medical books..finally:)

Thanks to my dear frnd firyal who lent me 3 Arabic novels..

The 1st i read is called " جانجي" by طاهر الزهراني


Well i dnt hv much to say about it...didnt really like it..the style of writing is very,,normal!! there is no art in the story,,,just like a random person writing some sort of diary or so!!

I didnt really get the moral of the story..he was just telling abt his frnship with that guy and how its hard to find such frnds..END

.....................................................

The 2nd is called " فسوق" by عبده خال

Well thats one hell of a story:)

I liked the style of writing,,feels like u r reading something if u know wt i mean!!

it was confusing at the beggining,,became boring in the middle,,but the ending is very very interesting..

How did Jaleela ran away from her grave was very original..it was shocking to me,,but amazing too!!

But regarding these two books, i really dnt knw why Arab writers in general tend to involve dirty relationships in their writings:-S??

(plz 4gv me 4 that but i dnt know how to say it in a respectful way!!i dnt wana say the words!!)

Its like thats what all their life is abt!!its always there,,even if there is no need for it AT ALL like in jangi!

............................................

The 3rd is called " رجل تكتبه الشمس"by خولة القزويني

This one felt like watching an arabian gulf series!!

it felt all the same in the beggining,,but i liked how things turned out in the end,,not that i liked the ending anyway:/

Fo'ad, the main charecter, was just making the wrong decisions all the way...he is responsible for all the chaos toward the end of the story..and i dnt understand why the writer killed Fida'a at the end!!that was really sad:'(

One more thing abt this book,,i loved the parts talking abt the Frensh girl who joind Islam..the writer successfully showed the huge diffrnce betwn arab muslim women borned to arab muslim parents like us and non arab women who joined islam later in their life!!the diffrnce in the style of life makes u really doubt yrself,,if u r honoring islam in anyway!!

..........................................

The last am gona talk abt is the Twilight Saga: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn, by Stephanie Mayer..

My story of addiction with twilight started with the movie 'twilight'..it is not a good quality movie in terms of production but what i really loved abt it is the silence that forces u to only read the faces of the actors...i cud actually feel wt they feel without them needing to talk it out loud!!

well, this is wt made me wana read the books and they are simply wonderful!! i very much loved those 4 books..they are abt a vampire who falls in love with a human girl!!

When i read the books, i cud see why the movie budget was very low to produce such a low quality movie..the auther didnt emphasize much on the fantasy side of the story,,vampires and warewolves later,,but more abt the feelings between Edward and Bella, and later Jacob..she wanted to picture the interesting love story that bonded two diffrnt creatures from two diffrnt worlds,,despite how impossible might that be..

........................................

Am hoping to read more,,tho being in clg dsnt gv me a lot of time to read...but i wud like to be optimistic abt this new year:)

Opinions,,1

No title..

well,,i feel awkward to even write this!! It has been ,,ever,,since i last blogged..but what happened today was very interesting!!

i was going to meet some frnds out,,but i needed to go to the garage to pick mom's car first. So, dad drove me there..he got mom's car..and we exchanged places..

the car has been there for few days and it had no gas!! the mechanic said that it had ENOUGH to reach a petrol station and fill it up..well i guess u know what happened next:D

i was held behind by traffic lights,,when the car suddenly started shaking!!!

it looked like its soul is about to leave:p and at the moment that the light was green, it just went off!!!

i was the 1st car in the line!!

ppl were looking at me,,mad ofcourse,,but what could i do?!!

i cud actually see them peeking at me with that look on their faces: oh ofcourse it is a girl driving!!

luckily, my dad was following me:) he wanted to make sure that i reach a petrol station,,so i just got out and went to wait in his car,,he was so mad at the mechanic for leaving the car like that..every1 was looking!! it was very embarrassing!!

but now that i look at it..what happened made me see a bigger picture of what i might be facing by driving alone!!Its risky!! Its not only abt driving and speeding and being independant anymore!!

if dad wasn't there, i wud'v probbly called him and then burst into cry:-S

i'v always been adventurous,,but this wud'v been scary!!

thats why i wanted to learn some mechanical skills,,basic ones,,at least i shud know by now to keep a bottle of gas in the trunk AND shud know HOW to fill the tank 1stly if not to change tires..but who wud teach me anyway:/ when i asked my bro, he laughed and said: u dnt hv to do that..just sit quietly in yr place,,call some1,,lock the doors o just wait!!

i met my frnds afterwards and told them the story:)

it was a nice day tho:)

now i need to go finish packing for this weekends picnic..we r going to Mosandam^_^

No title..

A Try,,

Hey…
You might have read my post (Why?) about my inability to show my love to the people I love… well am still trying,,, no difference till now,,,
Anyway, one of my friends gave me this small book called “Don’t sweat the small stuff,,, and it’s all small stuff” by Richard Carlson and she said: “you can keep it till the next depressed person comes on the way:) ”
The book has very small chapters of (I would call them advices) on how to look differently at things…

Anyway, cutting long stories short, I read this under: Tell Three People (Today) How Much You Love Them:


Author Stephen Levine asks the question, “If you had an hour to live and could make only one phone call- who would you call, what would you say, and why are you waiting?”
What a powerful message!
Who knows what we are waiting for? Perhaps we want to believe we will live forever, or that “someday” we will get around to telling the people we love how much we love them. Whatever the reasons, most of us simply wait too long.
As fate would have it, I’m writing this strategy on my grandmother’s birthday. Later today, my father and I are driving out to visit her grave site. She died about two years ago. Before she passed away, it became obvious how important it was to her to let her family know how much she loved us all. It was a good remainder that there is no good reason to wait. Now is the time to let people know how much you care.
Ideally, you can tell someone in person or over the phone. I wonder how many people have been on the receiving end of a phone call where the caller says, “I just called to tell you how much I love you!” You may be surprised that almost nothing in the world means so much to a person. How would you like to receive the same message?
If you are too shy to make such a phone call, write a heartfelt letter instead. Either way, you may find that as you get used to it, letting people know how much you love them will become a regular part of your life. It probably won’t shock you to know that, if it does, you will probably begin receiving more love as a result.



Okay, for a start, I wrote 5 letters till now:) : 2 for my parents, the remaining 3 for my brothers and sister ( I swear my brother’s response would be “LMAO” but, anyway:D)
They are coming tomorrow. Will see what happens:)


UPDATE:
dady hugged me:)
mom told me, smiling, that she was scared at the beggining,,she thot am in some sort of trouble, as always:D
my bro loved it and hanged it on the wall in his room:)
the others just laughed and said; r7meena:p

A Try,,

Anticipation of A Bad Day

it is frustrating how some dreams can be soo annoying to the extent that they ruin your mood for the day:-S

esp, wen they are related to the crapy problems within your family..

i wonder what the future holds..

Anticipation of A Bad Day

Ya Allah..

Yesterday when I got your empty msg at 2:08 am, I thought that Allah sent you for me!!

I was in dessperate need for someone!!

but obviously, it was the crapy nawras network that sent that msg:-/

But when I replied to you, I sooooo wished that you answer me back,,even with an empty msg,,even if unconsciously from your dream world:-(

Oh grandpa!!

You left suddenly and the threshold level has dropped to the minimum..it is so hard to adjust,,especially when everyone around is crashing,,everyone is just waiting for "the moment" to explode in everyones' faces..

I was very scared yesterday..I am scared..

and apparently...fragile:'(

Ya Allah..

..إلى رحمة الله ياجدي

اللهم اغفر له وارحمه ، وعافه واعف عنه ، لقِّه الأمن والبشرى والكرامة والزلفى ، اللهم إن كان محسناً فزد في حسناته ، وإن كان مسيئاً فتجاوز عن إساءته ، اللهم اغسله بالماء والثلج والبرد ، نقه من الخطايا كما ينقى الثوب الأبيض من الدنس ، أبدله أهلاً خيراً من أهله ، وداراً خيراً من داره ، وجيراناً خيراً من جيرانه ، اللهم لا تحرمنا أجره ، ولا تفتنا بعده ، واغفر لنا وله

..إلى رحمة الله ياجدي

Why???

Why is it so hard to let people know how much you value them??

Why is it so hard to give sweet kisses for people because you want to, not because you have to??

Why is it so hard to just say " I love you" directly in the face when you really feel like saying it??

I don't know what is the situation with you, but it wasn't long time ago when I realised that I havn't told my parents before that I love them..I never kissed my sisters, brothers, freinds or anyone unless I had to, or it was "the thing" to do (like coming back home, or Eids, birthdays, etc.)!!!!

It might not seem a big deal but have you ever encountered a situation where you felt that you really want to show your love and affections for some people but couldn't do it??!!

In the past mother's day, when I greeted my mom, I literally couldn't say a single word!!! And all I did is crying!!! not that I was so emotion-full (but not that I wasn't either) but because I couldn't let the words come out of me :(

I felt depressed and sad for myself (and for her because she definately was expecting something out of me)...I wanted to tell her that I love her, that I am thankful for everything she did and does for me, for being always supportive, and that i always pray for Allah to keep her and dad for me...but the chicken me didn't get the courage to talk!

Another instance was a month ago,,when my family came to my hometown for the weekend,,my dad said to me as soon as we met that he was watching a program on tv ( I don't know what the show was about) but he felt that he want to kiss and hug all his kids,,but because he was in Muscat, am in Sohar, my brother and sister were somewhere in the world, he couldn't..and he bacame so tearfull and me.....just froze!!!!!

I hated myself at that moment..I wanted to hug him but I didn't :(

No wonder my parents say am "a dry/emotionless" kid..

And the list continues..but the funny thing is when you kiss people you just met (like they are your friend's freind) when you feel nothing about them and you can't do it for people who deserve/desire it..

I can no longer use the excuse: "I am not used to it"!!!

I think am old enough to make certain changes in my life...

Its just that I don't know why I don't have the power to do it :(

Why???

A New Beggining

Yesterday, I was sitting with my dear friend in the lecture hall after classes. We were just playing inserting some fake information in my laptop account. Actually, she was the one creative enough to think of funny things to write and I was the boring partner who just listens:-D

Anyway, she asked me to write some notes about me, and I opened one of my saved messeges that she sent me about a year ago describing my personality. To my surprise, we both couldn't see "me" in that messege!

It wasn't like that in the past. I remember that when she first sent me the msg, I was surprised how much she knew me in a very short period of time (since we are only friends for a year). It was true what she wrote there. She said things like: focused, positive, fighter, thinker, responsible, creative, wise, and many others. All of which was true at that time,,,its just that I can no longer see my self the way she described me..the way I liked myself, the way she liked me, and the way people around liked me!!!!

How did I change to the opposite of all that in just a year???and most importantly, why???

The moment she told me that am a complete opposite NOW to what i used to be before made me think a lot about it.I did change a lot but its not a good change sadly.

I actually had times since last year thinking about the person I am right now. It really gave my friend a headache when i used to talk about it. She used to say: stop crying over who you were and just be one!! Don't waste your time complaining that you no longer the same GOOD person, and just be! Don't think about it, just do it!

The problem is I don't know HOW I turned out like that so I can reverse the process.. I just hope that focusing in my studies would help me a lot cz one of the major things I lost is my self confidence...I really miss it and I do need it..

She is right..I can go on and on complaining and crying over the lost me but I can also make a change..

She asked me last month on my birthday about my top 3 wishes for this year but I didn't answer her..This would be my top wish..

So, am going to do what she said: just be one.

END

A New Beggining

Scattered Thoughts

Its Sunday, 12:55 pm, and am sitting in the lecture hall in my second day of school after a week of holiday, and so many things are running throughout my brain (srry :-S it's: throughout my mind...I don't think i'll be blamed to use the word"brain" instead of "mind" after the neurobiology course;-) ).

Anyway, starting with my holiday, it was simply awful!


It all started with me sitting in Sohar on Wednesday waiting for my family to come for the weekend (cz am originally from Sohar). However, because the next Tuesday and Wednesday were announced to be a prophets birth day holiday, they decided to come only for the holiday. By the time I got to know the change in their plans, everyone who was supposed to go Muscat (where my family lives) on Wed has gone already:-(

This way I was stuck in Sohar without my parents, brothers, or sisters when am finally having a holiday!!!And just to notice, I didnt go to Muscat for over 2 months during the neuro course!!


Anyway, I went on Friday but because of the upcoming prophet holiday, I only stayed there till Monday and came back with my family to spend the holiday at my hometown!

I didn't do any of the things I planned to do, which include: reading 4 books; two Arabic and two English books, practice solving 2 of the USMLEs exams( United States Medical Licensing Examination) to refresh my memory, learning few bits of photoshop( which I know nothing about at all!), visiting my friend at SQU, and finding a dress for my cousin's wedding. It's not that I didn't have time to do so, but when I felt that my plan was destroyed, I just couldn't adjust it, or was so pissed of the changes that I didnt feel like doing anything at all:-S

Moreover, my little 3 year old cousin came from Muscat with her dad to stay under my supervision for the holiday. I AM SO BAD WITH KIDS!She wakes up at 9 in the morning and I don't even hear her cry!And what would I do at 9???i am in a holiday people!!

And once, i was feeling really hot so i turned on the AC at night and the next morning, my little cousin mimi (as every1 calls her) was sick:-S

And another once;-), i was watching tv and she was playing next to me, and just after a whole hour, i noticed that she was not there! I looked in the house and didn't find her:-(

i went outside, looked in the nearby houses cz as a family, we stay next to each other, and found her with my aunt. Ofcourse, every1 knew that i lost her:-S

i can still remember my mother's blaming looks when she looked at me the minute she knew!

It just simply was a bad holiday,,not to mention that the house was full of people because of the holiday ,and thereby noisy, that you can't even find peace in your own room cz its occupied till 12am with people!!

I thought am gonna have a lot of fun coz the neuro was tiring,,not in terms of studying as I didn't do much but in terms of content. I do remember many things from the course (like the application part) but i think am lacking so many small bits of info that i REALLY need to know. One of my friends was telling me that even if she passed the course, she would ask the course director to do it again in summer cz she didn't get the knowledge she should have. Now, i feel that it might actually be a good idea to do so. After all, spending my summer vacation in college can be a real punishment , or encoragement for me to do better next times.

Anyway, I just finished preparing a study time table for human fuction course that will last for 4 months. This course is not going to be easy at all and I don't want to ignore it like I did for the other previous courses. I arranged to study with a new study partner, someone who is not my friend, cz studying with my friends is the last thing I would ever think of again for the rest of my life!! We always end up speaking about all sorts of topics other than studies!

I hope it goes well this time and hope also to enjoy the course!

Pray for me^_^

Scattered Thoughts

Guilt...

I don't deserve to be loved!!!

I have a dark past and its hunting me!! and no matter what i do, and whenever i think i've passed it, something just appears in front of me that destroys everything i've been trying to build:-(

I strongly need to forget...

I wish i can throw everything behind...

for years, i beleived that one's past is part of who you are.. I beleived that the past helps you to become the person you are right now,,

I never regreted my mistakes coz I wouldn't be the same person I am right now without them..untill now:-(

I dnt know...when i do them, they just feel right at that time,,i think this is natural,,that's why i dnt regret them because they were nice then and gave me a good feeling and meant something.. and wen they turn on to be bad,,then just try to correct, forget them and move on...

but, wt to do wen it just start chasing u??!!!

wallah i regret it now..a lot..

i just want to live in peace!!!

but wen that thing that runs behind u is loyality!!!

smthing u never kept,,and it is keeping u...

God how much i dislike myself:-S

I dnt deserve to be loved...at all!!

Guilt...