Thursday, October 16, 2003

Re-lease!

That was, of course, intended to be said as if one were in an anime. While we are on the topic, I was consider re-watching the beginning of Karekanu (His and Her Circumstances) where the two emotionally reserved people fall in love. It's just so touching; I teared when I saw it the first time.

In real life love is just a four-letter word, ultimately meaning nothing and being a futile folly. Love trades the problem of loneliness for the problem of desire; but no two equals could ever love one another fully and perfectly. Because one loves a person, there are so many strings attached and so many conditions of acceptance/rejection. I'm trying to perfect a method of removing love from the brain. In its early stages, it is a consuming desire to be with the other person, to know they are doing, from what I have been told. Well, with appropiate mental control, you can turn it from consuming fire to smoldering chimney fire.

In movies and TV shows, love is so much more fun (and much less messy). Karekanu touches me deeply as I watch two very complex persons attempt to love and trust (trust is the key here) one another in their stiff ways. They are very strong individuals who are lonely, it is lonely at the top, and find their completion in each other. They demonstrate very well the almost impossibility of accurately describing deeply felt passions to the person toward whom you feel these emotions. Luckily for them, they became friends after they fell in love. I'm positive it would have been more problematic had it occurred in the reverse.

The two of them are also awkward touching each other. The problem of physical proximity... One has to become comfortable touching another person; that doesn't always happen for whatever reason. And so we watch them attempt to communicate to each other, fumble about, get embarrassed and miss the most obvious of things. We also get a look inside their heads. They have a rich and active inner life. They are as brilliant and complicated inside as they are clueless outside. Sometimes thinking too much about subjects like one's relationship toward another complicates the relationship. I can sympathize.

But I was debating on whether I ought to attempt to find a consort. It would be one of those strange no-sex consort things but it would be a fascinating experience/experiment. What I desire is intellectual and spiritual companionship but I am not really into that whole sex scene thing. However, most people who play the companionship game would not be as content with such a reticent and serene lifestyle. So I bide my time knowing that given a long enough period of time I will find people like this and befriend them. It will be fun; an orgy of the abstracted individuals living a life primarily in their heads. I can think of no better way to spend a Friday evening. Just imagine it: from work to band practice (ah, the band, that's another story) and then to a decent dinner. Over dinner the conversation starts regarding the latest theory on this or that or some bad pun or something and continues on this way for the duration of dinner. On the walk home, it would be appropiate to then hear about how our respective days are going and chit chat with the people who are hanging about in the SLR. Dance a bit during Tails and chat with people in the door. Of course, the evening must end in the wee hours of the morning after having played some kind of game, walked around outside a bit, gossiped, and the general sharing of thoughts/feelings. That would be the perfect way to spend many an evening. But alas, hoping for the ideal only begins to deal with the present... 15 minutes until I am off work.
Thud, Thud, Thud

Pardon me while I bang my head against the wall. (This is going to get real muddled soon. If you expected more...cohesion from me then we apologize for the mood.) Life is like a really bad TV show sometimes. Wouldn't you agree? I was thinking of giving up on blogging, you know to do something new, but I sort of like this post as you please business. Anyway back to topic: people can be so unreasonable. All a guy wants out of life is some decent time to reflect, consider and think. But one is mugged by ambiguity and subtlety at every turn. (Ahh, the little multicultural moments of life, no?) I think I am going to read a book and shut out the world. Reading reminds me that reality is, in fact, optional. If you don't think about, it's not a problem.

I know that I need some time to think and recharge when 1. I have the perpetual headache, 2. people keep asking me 'What are you thinking about' because I was lost in thought, 3. I know that my emotional reserves are running low and 4. I have this desire to just rip into people. I believe the entire affair with JC is ruining my day. Avoid people at all cost...