schools out

ok so i would like to think that school's out for me. after all i dont have any more exams or studies that needs to be done. only left with internship and the report for it. so feels like im working already. 

unfortunately...as good as it sounds, work is pretty boring. especially being the newbie. i dont really fit in anywhere. plus everyone has their own work to do. its not like you could study together. pretty much individual basis. and it is a 830-6 job. really long hours, 5 days a week. having had classes from 9 to 5 is nothing in poly. afterall there were plenty of lunch breaks in between and many new interesting things to learn everyday with friends. work is pretty much the same everyday. although it is fun doing R&D work. perhaps its the product that isnt as interesting as i hope?

is that why humans are referred to as mundanes in the mortal instrument book series?

no regrets

So today I had a 'class' BBQ for the celebration of the completion of my HYP. and by class I mean those who didnt go to NZ. so just 7 of us + the bf.
but that isnt the main point here. 
so after the BBQ, I had a thought. that I am so glad that God answered my prayers when I prayed and hoped that I would be able to get along well with them. Because honestly, I have very little interaction with them and have never had class projects with them before. But who knew, after 3-4 months, we are all pretty happy with each other, no conflicts or what so ever and so many comical memories to fall back on. 

I have no regrets of NOT going to NZ at all. I dont know about the other 6. But I know I dont. Because if I did go, I would have missed out on tons of things. not only would I have missed the chance to get to know the other 6 better, I would have missed out on Ryan's wedding, the recent 'couples retreat' and sending liang zhi off for his studies. And ofcoz not forgetting all the fun of the gym classes and getting more toned with levina. And also all the time spent still getting to know the bf. Sure maybe the people who did go, would say that its a once in a life time thing, But so are the stuff that I would have missed if I had gone. Besides, I did experience this so called 'away from parents/home' thing back during poly days for the internship in China. 
However, I do know that by not going, I managed to also save at least 6-7k and also avoid any potential conflicts in NZ. especially knowing my own nature...there would definitely be unhappiness. except this time it isnt just like between levina and myself or lynn and myself but others and more others. 

So there. No regrets. 

great expectations

i never seem to be able to not expect anything. although i may say that i didnt have any expectations. the moment someone disappoints you proves that u did have that slight bit of expectation. 

When i help someone. i dont expect anything in return. i dont think that HA. now you owe me one. but sometimes just that one word of thanks do make a huge difference. makes the help all worth while. makes it less tiring. 

i really hate the way im wired. im like the extreme of the extremes. especially this week. so many breakdowns. so much emotions. although actions speak a thousand words. certain words can amplify pain and sadness by a thousand times. depending on the weight of the words that the person carries, determine the power of their words.

and this week has emphasised to me that a relationship isnt just two. nope. its not 1+1= 2..it is 1+1+ (how many family members ) = 2 + (how many family members) and  guess what. at the end of the  day. there is that one who will not belong. one that will stick out. after all blood is thicker than water. 

no one is perfect. that i know. and the more i try to be, the more it seems to backfire on me. so tiring. that through every stage of life, people struggle to be accepted. 

(B)usy & (B)ored

ironic isnt it? To be busy yet bored at the same time. Well, I suddenly cant imagine how it would be like working. doing the same stuff every single day. thats what im doing for my project now. Hydrate, dry, grind, sieve, analyze. Perhaps at work it wont be so bad. because you would have collegues to accompany you. as for the 7 of us stuck in comfortable boring singapore, we almost never see each other. although we are all around (doing our own experiments). so lonely. so boring. another two more months for this. looking at how fast the one month has gone...the next two months shld pass fast too. but for now. it all seem rly dreary.

gym classes with vina rly helps to de-stress. esp with the funny instructors. but soon, the one month would be up. and i gotta start wondering how im gonna to pay for the full priced membership. (on top of wanting to attend infinite's concert in october) but hopefully...my attachement during that period as well could help a little. but havent found it yet :/

untitled.

so...the day trip to JB was a surprisingly enjoyable one. i cnt wait to go there again for Kbox and crepes hahas. i cnt believe we spent the whole day at 1 mall. 

the so called surprise for lynn's farewell was a successful. it was a pretty big rush for her card but i was happy with the results. and itacho sushi is really so awesome! and as usual the cool calm collected lynn didnt even shed a tear. but for me n vina it was an emotional day...

and once again the fears of being left alone to do my project comes back to haunt me. before it has even started i already feel overwhelmed. maybe when i actually get things sorted out and started i will feel better. afterall the previous pdt development project tt lasted 3 mth passed rly fast too. 

sometimes i really dont understand....i would start wondering if its me...like did i do smth wrong...going round in circles...what happens when only one party tries? i would like to give up and not care. but thats just not me. helpless. and ppl say girls would understand girls better. hmmm....

a family i never had

so today is sort of the last day that i see most of my uni classmates. the last paper is not as bad as i thought it would be it is easy compared to an engineering paper....although i say im not really a business person...its prolly coz i have been trained in a sense for 5 years already as a technical person. but  HONESTLY. im even less of an engineering person!  but there is no time and its too late for regrets now. 

so...it was a bittersweet moment..although i didnt show it. for some...i might still see if they have those kinda gatherings (and if i wanna go) for the others really prolly wont see. 2 years has passed like that. and no...the tittle of this post has nothing to do with this. 

well somewhat partly...lynn will be going to nz for 4 months :( thank god for technology...i know i can still skype her or wadsapp her and stuff...but it wont be the same. it would be so restrained....no more LOL moments...school wouldnt have been the same without her. infact one of the reasons i even decided to join was coz of her...and why im still slogging my guts out too...she is like a sister i never had. just like vina :') 

and so after this onward with my final year project, last repeat mod and the attachement. sorta looking forward to it...after all it is the final thing i gotta do before i graduate. and loneliness wont bug me much after doing FYP on my own...its all about independence. and im sure i can do it.

but what happens after i finish? infact lynn would finish first. and then we would all be seperated...sure clique 6 would prolly still meet up...but Lders...it may get harder. harder but our jesting of growing old together...would remain :') 

Disappointments

previously, i mentioned that through the projects in school i have gotten to know my classmates better and get along with them better....but the recent things that happened showed me that perhaps i was wrong about all that. on two occasions i have been proven wrong. after this things feel like its going downhill. 
i am so glad i dont have to go to school today. i dont really feel like facing them at all. 
behind that smile hides a dagger. perhaps they are all wolves in sheeps clothing. or perhaps they are not as bad and the situation is just a one...or two...off thing. all i know for sure now is that, things will not be the same. i wont dare dream or hope that i have become closer to my classmates. i shouldnt have let my guard down. the walls. should just stay up. 

disappointments only come when you have high expectations. when you have high hopes abt something. now i hope for nothing. because then i wont be disappointed. we shall all live our own lives after this...unofficially in another 18 days. afterall...2/3 of the class is going to NZ. 

ofcourse the quote above doesnt apply to everyone. there are some people that it is just impossible not to get too attached to....

on a side note...trying to lose weight for an upcoming wedding im attending so that i will look nice in the dress. sigh. it is so hard. everytime i try. i feel like im losing myself more than losing weight. the price to pay for beauty...or at least my perception of it. but so far...still no progress...sigh. so hard when i love to eat and love all the fatty food too much. 

group support

and so...during the past two years alone (in uni) i have done more group works than i have ever did in my whole primary, secondary and poly life put tgt. and through the clashes (of time and personalities) group work is really not easy. but in group work i guess the most impt is to not take things too personally. and its really hard not to try and rely on the better (more intelligent) person in the group. but its only natural u see...for i know that if i were to do it, the results wont be as good and i wld cause a hiccup in the progress. however, this means i prolly wont be able to learn as much as i cld. 

so fast, all group works will come to an end. and it will be a solo effort for the rest of the journey. the final year project. most of my classmates will be doing it over at new zeland. and truth be told...i feel like i have bonded better with most of em over the past 4 months due to group work. so they would be missed as i do my FYP with the remaining few in SG. i still have my repeat module and internship aft tt, so this really feels like a solo journey as i wont be graduating with the rest. i know that when i mention this no one really knows what to say or react. so i quickly try and brush it aside. looking at it in a positive way, yeah its no biggie...at least i pass this n get my cert. just slower than others. i just take a longer time to work towards that same goal. 

i have to say i really am looking forward to STOP studying. however, i know it will be another world altogether when work starts. a different and more cold world. as we grow older. we become more lonely. 

but whenever i feel really lost and down...there is always someone i can turn to. and although we still argue, be it small or big. we work it out. honesty and trust. 

another step forward to adulthood

althought i turned 21 years old just barely less than 6 mths ago...i dont feel like an adult. im still nt as independent as i wanna be. still sheltered under the wings of love of my mum.

but i will FINALLY be alone at home for the FIRST time in my life like not like alone for an aftnn kind...but like for a few days kind. although nt like i havent been away from my mum before. the 4 mths internship stint in china 2 yrs ago during poly and the annual trip overseas with friends has already given me a feel of independence.
anyway for the first night i will have the besties sleeping over :) movie marathon and our Lders ala brunch :) so exciting! havent done this in a while~~ used to be more often during the poly days. SIGH. being young has its perks i guess. 

and...i FINALLY have my own debit card. not like i havent had any bank accounts or cards before. but like FINALLY its under my  OWN  name and not some joint account with my mum and i opened it myself :) so i get to keep it and USE IT. hehe. PLUS. the card is FREE FOREVER. LOLS. 

ofcoz i cant imagine life without my mum...and i still love her and want her to be around forever. BUT. like i always sing to levina. im like a bird...i wanna fly away...(if those r even actually the correct lyrics) :x

so another two baby steps forward to adulthood for me. i dont have to worry about LOOKING like an adult though. with the help of school its giving me a big leap to looking OLD. with the lack of sleep and tons of things to do. white hairs. eye bags. wrinkles. excess fat. GONE is my youthful look. just a haggard face. MEH. 

final breath

a sudden loss of a loved one is never easy...
easy for the loved one. not for the rest. 
without much sufferings or pain. with their final breath they just slip away. 
while much mystery surrounds unanswered questions or unsaid final last words between each one of those left behind
mourn we all shall...memories we all keep...
and always that timely typical family reunion that we usually wld like to avoid.
changes would be inevitable after this. 

earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
we return to where we belong. we return to our maker. 
when God calls. we should be ready.