CONTROL

I feel sad, again. And this seems to be a recurring emotion that I've been feeling for awhile now.

I don't have a concrete reason why I feel this way, but I do. Life has been going through the motions everyday until the day is over, with sadness being a constant at the door.

I feel inadequate.
I feel unsatisfied.
I feel shortchanged.
I feel alone.

There are happy times, of course, but those happy moments are oft fleeting and momentarily. I feel like I'm being fed these happy times just enough to keep me going through the misery.

Does anyone ever truly cares? I feel like people only care out of obligation. Obligation because they are related to you. Obligation because they spend too much time with you.

People don't care. They just don't.

I want to die.

NULL

I am upset. Mostly stress, but mainly upset.

What went wrong?

BALLS. Exercise balls.

I say the most inappropriate things at the worst timings.

Me at the gym, to the gym manager: Wa why are your balls* so shiny? Do you guys polish them?

*- EXERCISE ball

Gym manager: Huh?

Me: EXERCISE BALLS. This one. The bouncy one. The...okay you know what just shoot me.

To be fair it was pushing 10pm and I have not been sleeping enough for the entire week due to work. But alas...the words... 😂

DEFENSE

Defense mechanisms - everyone has them. It can be enacted in almost any circumstance, but the binding factor would always be to protect one's ego. I used to be very indecisive about what my own defense mechanism was - which ranges from a conceited, holier-than-thou thought of "I don't think I have one leh.", to a I-should-be-banished-to-hell-for-even-coming-up-with-something-like-that.

In light of recent events, I think I might have finally settled on what my defense mechanism is. It is, to the best of my abilities, the English language. 

An English major I am definitely not - but my first line of defence in any potentially ego-hurting situation is to revert to the English language and state my point (maybe throw in a little passive-aggressiveness while I'm at it) across, while using as many cheem English words as possible. This is to ensure that I sufficiently coat my point in a thick layer of caustic sarcasm before I proceed to show the other party up.

This might prove to be slightly deceitful, especially when I'm a huge supporter proper communication. But hey... A girl's gotta have her petty moments once in awhile.

I was this *barely placing my thumb and index finger together* close to using ad nauseam to reiterate my point in a recent disagreement of sorts, but have decided against it since I've already used "prosaic". Just imagine the amount of passive aggressiveness and shade that I was throwing whilst getting my point across.

The point of this post is for me to own up to my own defense mechanism, and to relinquish any residual pettiness that I might still harbour within me. 

Annnnd...I think I'm done for the day.

OUTLET MALL

Me @7.30pm: 

*googling directions to a premium outlet mall in Tokyo* *scrolling through the store directory whilst trying not to drool*

Will it be too much to drag him out for shopping? To be fair, you can see Mt. Fuji really clearly from the outlet mall too. So........ *twiddles thumb*

Also me, 2 hours later: 

"Do you want to spend half a day* at a premium outlet mall? They have a ton of sports shops** too. Adidas, nike, reebok, puma...you name it."

*conveniently makes the duration an estimate and very vague

**conveniently leaves out the other 200 girl shops that are listed in the directory

BUT to be fair, Mt. Fuji doe. You can really see the mountain clearly from the outlet mall from all the pictures I've been browsing through. Hehe.