http://www.flickr.com/photos/25052025@N07/sets/72157612803040155/show/...until I can figure out how to put the slideshow directly into the blog...
This kid is the epicenter of joy at our house.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Epiphany
I learned an important lesson this past week. I can't believe it took me so long to come to this realization.
This started last week when Mike finally met with his advisor on his Masters project (the one he turned in a week before the end of the semester). Of course, we were all hoping the professor would (if for no other reason than shear pity) pass it off and we would finally be done. (Notice the use of the pronoun "we" in that sentence. Though I have contributed nothing but a last minute edit and nagging encouragement - somehow the thing has glared out at me from MY "to-do"list for a year and a half now.) So Mike called and announced the obvious - which from my state of wishful thinking ("this thing can't POSSIBLY get drug out any longer") came as a shocking blow - that the project needed a couple of changes before he would pass it & to meet with him in 2 weeks. My next question, "Do we have to pay for ANOTHER semester's tuition?" "Yes." At that moment I didn't know whether to take my frustration out on Mike ("I can't believe you've let this happen!") or his professor ("How can he make us enroll in another semester for 2 weeks!?" ). Thankfully, I didn't say anything in that moment that I would later regret, but I'm sure Mike could feel the disgust in my silence. The rest of the day I spent trying not to think about flushing yet another $1500 we don't have down the drain...and wondering why the man can't just FINISH the thing.
Mike worked until about 11:00 PM, and the next morning he was sleeping in as usual (even though I go to bed at the same time). And, as usual, there I was prodding him to get out of bed before 9:30 rolled around - because we have things that have to be done. Then it hit me. I realized all at once that I had been colluding with him in his tendencies to procrastinate and not discipline his life more - because I make his responsibilities MY responsibilities. I tell him what to do. Should I be surprised if he resists a little? Or gets used to letting me worry about everything? The light bulb clicked on.
I woke him up to tell him that THIS was the problem (having to be told even when to get out of bed in the morning). I was mothering him and he was depending on me to do it, and that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I told him he could finish his Masters or not finish it if he wanted to - but that HE would have to face the consequences of his choices. He could work out how to pay for the tuition. ...I think the whole conversation surprised him (it did me too).
Since then... The difference is apparent. I feel better (not fighting the losing battle of dictating an other's life) and I think Mike does too (it's got to give a person more self-respect and power to control one's own choices - for better or worse). And Mike is stepping up.
The moral of this story is: the changing that had to be done was my own. I was trying to control things that were not mine to control and predictably I was disappointed. Mike is mortal -(I know, it was a surprise to me too) he has weaknesses - but by trying to make him do the right thing I think I've managed over time to make things worse. (I remind myself of who's plan it was to force everyone to be perfect.) Amazingly, the freedom from that burden came instantly. Still, I have to remind myself - because old habits die hard. (That should be the title of the next Bruce Willis movie.)
Epilogue: Mike really wants to do law school. With a sense of comic irony I say, "Okay, Mike." I'm sure it will go more smoothly without me trying to do it for him.
This started last week when Mike finally met with his advisor on his Masters project (the one he turned in a week before the end of the semester). Of course, we were all hoping the professor would (if for no other reason than shear pity) pass it off and we would finally be done. (Notice the use of the pronoun "we" in that sentence. Though I have contributed nothing but a last minute edit and nagging encouragement - somehow the thing has glared out at me from MY "to-do"list for a year and a half now.) So Mike called and announced the obvious - which from my state of wishful thinking ("this thing can't POSSIBLY get drug out any longer") came as a shocking blow - that the project needed a couple of changes before he would pass it & to meet with him in 2 weeks. My next question, "Do we have to pay for ANOTHER semester's tuition?" "Yes." At that moment I didn't know whether to take my frustration out on Mike ("I can't believe you've let this happen!") or his professor ("How can he make us enroll in another semester for 2 weeks!?" ). Thankfully, I didn't say anything in that moment that I would later regret, but I'm sure Mike could feel the disgust in my silence. The rest of the day I spent trying not to think about flushing yet another $1500 we don't have down the drain...and wondering why the man can't just FINISH the thing.
Mike worked until about 11:00 PM, and the next morning he was sleeping in as usual (even though I go to bed at the same time). And, as usual, there I was prodding him to get out of bed before 9:30 rolled around - because we have things that have to be done. Then it hit me. I realized all at once that I had been colluding with him in his tendencies to procrastinate and not discipline his life more - because I make his responsibilities MY responsibilities. I tell him what to do. Should I be surprised if he resists a little? Or gets used to letting me worry about everything? The light bulb clicked on.
I woke him up to tell him that THIS was the problem (having to be told even when to get out of bed in the morning). I was mothering him and he was depending on me to do it, and that I wasn't going to do it anymore. I told him he could finish his Masters or not finish it if he wanted to - but that HE would have to face the consequences of his choices. He could work out how to pay for the tuition. ...I think the whole conversation surprised him (it did me too).
Since then... The difference is apparent. I feel better (not fighting the losing battle of dictating an other's life) and I think Mike does too (it's got to give a person more self-respect and power to control one's own choices - for better or worse). And Mike is stepping up.
The moral of this story is: the changing that had to be done was my own. I was trying to control things that were not mine to control and predictably I was disappointed. Mike is mortal -(I know, it was a surprise to me too) he has weaknesses - but by trying to make him do the right thing I think I've managed over time to make things worse. (I remind myself of who's plan it was to force everyone to be perfect.) Amazingly, the freedom from that burden came instantly. Still, I have to remind myself - because old habits die hard. (That should be the title of the next Bruce Willis movie.)
Epilogue: Mike really wants to do law school. With a sense of comic irony I say, "Okay, Mike." I'm sure it will go more smoothly without me trying to do it for him.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
New Year
We had a great holiday. It was so nice to see family and friends. A lot-o-kids, a lot-o-snow. I snapped this photo of Mike shoveling late on Christmas day (I think it was like midnight). I always think the Christmas lights look pretty under the snow.
Noble on Christmas at Grandma's house.
And...introducing ANOTHER addition to our household, Pluto the cat. (We're sticking with the planetary theme.) The neighbors found him and wanted to find him a home. The kids fell in love - and brought him to me, telling me his pitful story. It was useless to resist...
Baby Sully sitting. This photo was taken at about 5 months. He turned 6 months this past week. How could a kid be cuter?
I spent New Year's Eve hanging out with Jessie and a couple of her friends and their moms at her first "till-midnight" New Year's Eve party while they played Wii and watched a movie. (It was pretty WILD...) I just wanted to go to sleep. But we had to be there to explain the signifigance of that giant ball they drop in Time Square. (We really couldn't tell them what that's all about???) Getting old??? Or is it just that my KIDS are getting old?
Life is good. The other day as I was mediating a fight from inside the bathroom, I thought of the silliness of that moment. I had to laugh - and thought how little things like that make up our lives. New Year's resolution: Enjoy the ride more.
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