4 days to prelims.

i've never liked countdowns much. especially not ones that herald intimidating things to come.

i don't know what to make of prelims. it's a really big exam; the term is almost synonymous with As i would say. am i supposed to feel really, really freaked out? i'm not and i'm not sure if that's a good thing. not that i'm confident, just...maybe years of studying has numbed me a little to exam pressure.

what to do now? hold faith that things will go right, more than anything else.

before i knew it, school's come to a close. 12 years of routine going to school, doing homework, going for cca and coming back to do more homework has ended. man, i will miss school, seriously. nostalgia's not just for those pleasant enjoyable moments, it's part and parcel of the human experience (something i learnt from PW, wow).

something from mr koh, who chanced upon our class photo taken on last proper day of school (he is such a great teacher):

"This is our life’s great work: to accept ourselves as the mysterious and gradually revealed gift of the eternal generosity of God." - Karl Rahner

why is it the last proper week of school and lessons already?!?!

life's so short.

man, i enjoyed spending tonight on msn, reading up on fascinating psychological studies, even doing the occasional studying via online resources. it's really not a bad way to spend time on a weekend.

but alas, time does not permit such worldly pleasures at this point in time. 12 days more and well i really don't feel secure at all, honestly. there are too many things to do and too little time left to do them. i guess the accumulated procrastination over the year's really going to come down hard on me now.

i really do want to do well for prelims. i do want to get a scholarship at an organisation that takes to my liking, and that new moe teaching internship that came along this week sounds pretty appealing as well. but all these hopes, like it or not, hinge on one's As (or lack of). that much i became clearer after the UK uni admissions talk today. no matter what you say, grades are first consideration; if they suck no one bothers to glance at the rest of your resume already. cold but true state of reality.

i should stop blabbering theories upon theories; it would be silly if i didn't put them into practice myself huh.
but now it's 1.48am, and that unfortunately means bedtime.
off to bed, and hopefully a new and productive day!

what makes something valuable?
and what does it take to make someone truly realise the value of something?

it's funny that we hunger after so many things that seem so high up, then when we get them in the end we realise they are but a mere shadow of their apparent former sparkle. while some things we have never given a damn about, but when something happens and we lose them, we realise that they're the things that deep down we cherish the most.

hmm somehow this sounds like an application of Le Chatelier's Principle? omg i feel weird linking science concepts to real life.

went to get teacher's day gifts today. i guess this will be the last time one can really have a "teacher" to give a gift to, and having not actually done any gift-giving for a huge bulk of my schooling years, i'm not letting this chance slip away. there aren't many ways that you can show appreciation to your teachers around.

anyway i heard that a friend of mine aspires to be a wedding planner! that is super awesome. aspiration is good; i think one of the things we must not lack is the aspiration and the dream to achieve something greater, something beyond ourselves.

maybe it's the fact that too many people are talking about becoming doctors and lawyers, that somehow those 2 jobs have grown distant and less meaningful. somehow it's the tiny, seemingly insigificant hopes that speak to me. it's amazing that even when the world tells me to aspire to wealth fame and status, i am not persuaded (at least not to a great extent) and i am thankful for such grace given to me.


it's 13 days to prelims now.

testimonial writing is the ultimate test of one's GP summary prowess, i've come to realise. personally i don't reckon it to be just one load of smoke! and it shouldn't be viewed as such either.


does anyone like the YOG song Everyone? i'm personally a fan of it XD

i think i have just proven myself wrong.
it does seem possible to survive without afternoon naps, doing work.
considering i did that yesterday and slept at 2, and did the same today and am still up now, i suppose the empirical evidence is rather solid yes?
but who knows what tomorrow might bring. maybe i won't be able to wake up in the morning...oh but there's photo taking so that had better not happen.

i'm glad that i've really kicked into gear over the weekend. otherwise who knows when i'll get myself started properly. but i look at the amount of stuff there is to do; it's just plain sick. hmm i'm actually contemplating to not study for h3 prelims at all (yea pretty desperate right)...anyone has any advice for/against that? would be appreciated.

through all these things, and the weeks/months to come, we all need something to pull us through, something to sustain us when all else seems dark and bleak. something that we know, is worth the fight for.

haha i guess i should quit trying to sound poetic/cheem/literature-ish when i'm so not one of those people?

attended the nus school of business talk today. i must say that it does have its appeals. seriously interested in human resource management and organisational behaviour but then the "service" factor doesn't come on as strongly as some social service thingy.

and apparently i wasn't aware that many more scholarships exist out there. brightsparks magazine is rather helpful. looking at MCYS scholarship..

ok, maybe i should think less about the future and focus more on the upcoming present (ie prelims).

speaking of that, i am seriously intimidated by the prospect of prelims. i mentioned a tap analogy previously; i really hope over the next 3 weeks there will be minimal leakages along the way. it's bad enough trying to cram the fixed space in my tank (brain) with seemingly unlimited amounts of knowledge. today the nus business speakers were saying that it's not unusual to do poorly for prelims and still get straight As for A levels. well...i'm not sure if that should offer some comfort to me. whatever the case is, studying hard is a definite necessity.

AH i need to increase my productivity, big time.

i happened to come across a friend's blog that has been around for the past 4 years. went in to read the first month's worth of entries and realised, wow his first few posts and his last few posts almost seem like they were written by two different people. the language, the tone used, everything's different. it just seems strange that, over the span of a few short years the kind of things that come out from a person's mind changes so drastically. (at this point probably some of you might dig up my very old posts too and do a comparison, and find some semblance there to what i just said huh?)

a question worth pondering over for abit: do people change over time? if so, is it a change on the mere surface or a total transformation of one's self? probably some find this a question unworthy of any contemplation, but i guess, to each his own.

...still up at 2am, what's wrong with me.

Singapore's 45th birthday! =D

oops...calendar registers 10 august already zz.

as usual, watched the parade from home. hmm the only time i've spent ndp elsewhere is during p5 when all p5 students were made to go for that national day thingy. and i remember how my school was one of the last to leave cause the bus uncle screwed up or something. ok i'm digressing.

hmm..this year's parade was at padang, nice. the padang always gives it a more authentic feel. last year's parade commander seemed better though XD and i like the SAF vehicles display too, damn cool stuff. my dad mentioned that in SAF signals vocation, 90% of the people there are raffles peeps. haha which can be expected actually, cause they do need the intelligent brains to work those high tech stuff.
i didn't like those human formation thingys though, never liked them much. plus i was playing dota at the same time so didn't really concentrate XD

and there was ip man after the parade. boy it was an awesome movie. battle scenes were kickass, ip man's wife was pretty XD and plot was pretty good too! hmm looking forward to watching ip man 2 on dvd/online or something...

but all the above basically meant that today wasn't very productive. sigh only revised 1 h3topic and made summaries for 2 h2 chem topics.

oh and, yesterday my condo organised some kinda national day party. cool stuff, there was food, damn loud music and i heard that some kinda mini flea market was going on too. wow, too bad i wasn't down. i totally like the atmosphere though! next time i own my own house i will definitely install some imba music system and play music all day long woots =D

a friend got me thinking about what defines "friend".

to me, it's someone who:
-offers help where/when it is unexpected/not asked for
-doesn't mind listening to you mentioning some not-so-pleasant events that happened even after he or she has had a long day amd is pretty beat.
-judges you but does it in a good, constructive, tactful way (though i concede that sometimes as a friend we need to be harsh brutal and direct about things).
-having similar basic values that you can identify with.
-you know that you can share things with them almost as comfortably as you can go through those thoughts in your head with yourself.
-being there for you when you just need someone to be there with you.
-goes after you in concern time and again when you are feeling super down and don't feel like talking to anyone.

notice how i didn't add "being able to have lots of fun together"? well i think if two people can do the above, they can probably also have fun together so that's like a given. it would be weird if it isn't huh?

but that's just my view. and by the way if anyone is wondering, the above isn't some exhaustive list or some "pre-requisites to being jun xiang's friend" kind of thing. i go by my general gut, which of course corresponds at least somewhat to the list but frankly nothing's absolute.

spent most of my day today sleeping and have only revised 2 stats topics. sheesh this is not good.

today marks a personally significant day.

food for thought: how well do you really know your friends/those around you?
to me, if two people have never talked about their personal issues and the unpleasantness in their lives (i don't mean simply having lots of homework, by the way)...i don't know about you, but to me that doesn't really seem like much of a close knit friendship.

i'm really abit too emotional (by a guy's standards?). but i guess, if there's anything that's really important in this world it's having emotions and really feeling for things. if we live this life as a cold empty vessel, what good does that bring, be it for ourselves or for others? we need to start treasuring the friends around us, even if there are only a few school weeks left. it's never too late to start caring.

how emotionally strong are we as humans? we are each plagued by our personal demons, some of them unthinkable, unimaginable to another who has only heard, but not truly, realistically faced them before. we are fragile beings that feel hurt just as easily as the person beside us or as the person on the other side of the world. not showing your hurt does not mean that you are not hurt. it is a fact - we need love to keep us going. life without love just withers away.

and i feel...relieved, somewhat, after my own sharing. it's just like what my friends said, sharing brings about healing. and with Your love my healing is assured.

during civics today when we were asked to share our dreams, i guess i didn't just make something up. i really do want to help alot of people. nothing beats being able to help make a friend a little bit better, even just by lending a listening ear and being there when the person is down and out.

it's abit unfortunate that counselling isn't so ideal, since i figured that the "guests" are those that end up there by referral from disciplinary authority usually.

something that really impacted me today as well was what mrs lim's student said when she asked him about his dreams. he said he wanted to be a doctor but thereafter looked down and shook his head, saying how his grades wouldn't be able to make the cut.
how many times have we simply written something off with just a moment's worth of contemplation? how many times have we written ourselves off because we think we're not good enough or we won't make it? if we don't even give ourselves a chance, who will? life is full of choices and closing the door on ourselves is one of the most regrettable and saddening things one can do.

it's alright if someone else gives you up.
but it's not alright if you give yourself up.

anyway, thanks to the long national day weekend, i might have a chance at properly catching up on my sleep and getting decent amounts of work done. to work for Your glory!

---

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
– 1 John 4:9-11


Evermore - Planetshakers


I will sing
Of the mercy of the Lord
And I will shout
Of Your faithfulness oh God

For there is none like You
Seated in Your majesty
Holy One I come
To worship You forever more

You are my God my life my all
And I live for You alone
I am Yours evermore
Heaven and earth will shout Your praise
The wonder of Your name
I'll proclaim evermore

Evermore
Evermore

And I will run
Into Your presence
And I will sing
Sing forever

wah damn angry. my computer's been infected with a gazillion trojan horses apparently. and i've got a "trojan horse detected" threat every time i turn on my comp. my msn has also been harbouring some weird virus that eats up my sentences turning them into malicious virus links.

VIRUS BEGONE.

onto other things now.

here i am, struggling to get my SGC done as it has been neglected for weeks already. boy i do take ages to get started on something. my inertia is like super big.
as i thought about what i had done that was worthy of inclusion in my SGC (which is not very much in most other people's view i would think), i was also thinking about the reason for having such things (like testimonials).
so why do we do something? so that others would see the greatness of what we have done, and know of our nobleness? now what point is there in doing something like that? oh of course i know phrases like "pragmatism" and "it's a dog eat dog world", i've experienced enough of that myself to not forget it for a long time. but does that really have to necessitate us conforming to society's norms, which i personally feel should not remain so.

i know i did the right thing by choosing a path that perhaps very, very few others would have taken or contemplated (i know many look upon it with disdain even now). because i love what i do and i went to do what i love, so i have no regrets. call it a calling if you must. maybe it sounds stupid of me; i mean, what place do ideals and dreams and passion have in today's competitive and realistic world?
well to me, it has all the place in the world. some things can't be properly expressed in words, so i think i'll stop here.

now i'm considering counselling as a career...hmm..