last day of holidays.
i feel damn tired already.
and i can only trust that i've done enough.

back after CTs.

one more week to go till CTs.
i'm pretty sick of waiting already. not saying that i'm super prepared, but i just can't wait for it to pass.

term 3's going to spell the end of alot of things in this short year. i don't quite relish the thought but what'll come will come.

and i think that wonder girls > SNSD. SNSD has too many members and i think the attention is somewhat too divided among all of them. haha and WG's sohee is too awesome, so what can i say?
ok that's enough fanboying over korean bands for now.

thank God for a productive day today! math doesn't seem that scary. i guess it just takes a little while for the stuff learnt previously to flow back. oh and doing summaries really help, at least on the eve of your exam (where you can't possibly go through everything again, even if briefly).

i think it's a bad habit of mine to keep using the phrase "i think". case in point, i just used it again at the start of the previous sentence. sigh. read/heard somewhere that this doesn't make you sound too assertive or sure of yourself.

holidays spent mugging at home = no life = nothing much to say = short posts.
so, bye bye. heh.

any sane person ought to agree that mugging too much can make you feel more stupid, not smart.
i tell you, prelim papers are darn darn hard.
but i guess easy practice doesn't quite cut it. at least hard questions make you realise that there are certain concepts you haven't grasped quite properly yet.
oh and the fear does start getting to you once you realise prelims are just 2-3months away. and that's important for like scholarships/your future/other zomg stuff like that so i suppose i don't need to elaborate.

other than that, it's been a whole lotta no life-ing around.
and i can't believe i'm picking up dota again argh. at this juncture? not too wise..apparently exam stress does things to you.

half a June holidays gone, and 2 whole subjects more left to study. note to self: work on it man!

it's another of those long posts that people abhor, oh well.

to be fair to the subject, econs is not all crap and plain hard stuff to score for. if we look hard that stuff's pretty applicable to other things too. the prerequisites for demand are the ability and willingness to pay for the good or service; is that really so different from doing anything else in life? if we can but don't want to do something then what's the point, and if we want to but can't do something then that's just so sad. i think it's heartening to know that we are not simply trying to understand a bunch of words and graphs, but that we are understanding life itself.

over the past week i have realised something: we are all vulnerable. it doesn't matter what religion we adopt, what we claim we're made of, whatever. the point is that we ARE vulnerable and can be hurt easily. we do care about what others say about or think of us. and we may be able to comfort ourselves or feel a little bit better afterwards but we can and do remember the hurt dealt to us, at least in some way or other. but it's understandable because after all none of us is God and as long as we still hold on to this human heart of ours, we will inevitably get hurt. even C S Lewis says that to love is to allow yourself to get hurt.

i think alot of people do not stop to consider what "the last" means for them.
just on monday, i probably went to haw par villa for one of the last few times in my life. i should do haw par villa justice; even though i am not a personal big fan of the place (as in i won't go OMGGGG over it), it does seem as though the place always has something new to offer, something new that i've not noticed on previous visits.
that day my ASL group was filming each of our favourite parts and initially i couldn't even come up with one, because i didn't feel particularly strongly for anything there. then when i walked past the 8 immortals statues kejia/yitian asked if i could say anything about it. and actually i could. it brought back alot of my childhood memories about watching tv, and of course watching 8 immortals on channel 8 and always eagerly anticipating those scenes with he xiangu inside (that was when i was small alright!). i'm a little angry with myself that such things i realised only so late, and only after so many visits to the place.
sometimes we let things slip by us too easily.

and like what i told the sec3s (on monday as well incidentally), that day would probably be the last training we'd actually have with them, and pretty much there won't be anymore for the rest of the unit as well. well...so this is it? ...sometimes you just run out of things to say. maybe just knowing is enough.

i think "silence" can be classified into 2 types - the awkward, and the blissful/serene ones. well practically everyone knows what the first kind is like but i believe not everyone is aware of/treasures the value of the second. you know, it would be totally wonderful if 2 people can just hang out together but they don't have to keep talking to each other. just walk. or just sit and feel the world around them together. that's really nice.

we can never seem to do enough. i really need to devote more attention to spending quiet time. if this is really my first priority like it should be, then i've not been doing things right for a long time. admittance is the first step to change and i pray that things will go uphill from here. slowly does it i suppose.

i think i need to curb the habit of watching too much tv and sleeping too much. oh add to that, slacking too much. sigh.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

C.S. Lewis is an awesome guy. you have to look up the rest of his quotes. gogo.
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/1069006.C_S_Lewis?page=1

i think i'm beginning to understand what being in prison feels like. that inability to do what you want to. the sense of being watched 24/7. the feeling that you don't have a say in things. the worst thing is, i can't believe this is probably gonna go on for like, 5 more months until As are over? it's like a bird trapped in an excruciatingly small cage - able yet not able to fly. no one did say life would be a breeze though. we all have to fight the storm within us.

this is why prison cells are surprisingly efficient as deterrents, eh?

enough said; best get what i can still do for mugging over and done with cause it's a long day tomorrow. keyword, SHAG.

there's something to be said about the feeling of resonance with the stuff on other blogs.
that's also the key to effective and honest communication, even with someone you've met for the first time.

imposing your ideas on other people really sucks. i know because i've got that countless times.

don't mind my random ranting; not in a pretty good mood right now.

my last camp in RINPCC.
it wasn't particularly different. it just felt a little different, knowing that it was probably the last time you would get such an experience. the lenses with which we look at the world makes a ton of difference.

interesting facts from the camp:
-(free) catered food is (usually) not as fantastic as it sounds.
-i got pail phobia from hell hour =(
-ivan is damn damn damn fast! for what his build might imply anyway..
-we love mr chong cause he treated us to free oreo mcflurry =D
-trying to stay awake for the entire night is mad. you being to appreciate how blessed you are just to be able to lie down on the ground (and promptly conk out).

for once i don't have that much to say about the camp. it's a whirl of emotions and thoughts in my head and translating that into words seems quite a challenge.

but the feedback from the sec4s was really illuminating. i think we learn the most about ourselves when people would be completely truthful, even blunt with with their thoughts and opinions about people, and not have a morbid fear of this thing known as "authority". it's both a blessing and a curse to be in such a position. the session also showed that despite how much we may want to be a good role model for others, man is not infallible and it would do us much good to keep that in mind.

there are people who say that 4 years is much too long to spend a (torturous, according to some) time in NPCC.
then there are people like me who say that 6 years is far too short (and i can imagine people concluding that i'm just weird). there are some things in life that are beyond logical explanation and it's the personal experience that wins you over.
but however much i may love the unit and the cadets, we have to let go of all things eventually and this is no exception. i don't know how i will personally come to terms with this fact a couple months down the road actually. i definitely will, definitely, but it's going to be tough.

oh and the end of the camp marks the start of mugging season sigh. i spent 5 hours sleeping in the afternoon just to repay sleep debt. not a terribly pleasant start, but it's a start? we are really good at justifying our (wrong) actions and thoughts haha.

by the way, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhqZ0RU95d4 and thingsweforget.blogspot.com are really nice sites so if you have time, i think it will not disappoint you =)

well fun's over, seriousness begins tomorrow!

---

this is a meaningful song, in more ways than one. we all want/need love don't we? but eternally unchanging love comes from only one.


Shower Me with Your Love - Surface

My heart is filled with so much love and I need
Someone I can call my own
To fall in love, that's what everyone's dreaming of
I hold these feelings oh so strong
Life is too short
To live alone
Without someone
To call my own
I will care for you
You will care for me
Our love will live forever...

Chorus:
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love that I long for
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love I've been waiting for

I close my eyes and pray all my wishes come true
Every nite I go to sleep
Until you're mine, I'll wait for you endlessly
Can't you see
Fairy tales, they do
Sometimes come true
If you believe, it
Could happen to you
Like the stars that shine
Way up in the sky
Our love will live forever...

Like the stars that shine
Way up in the sky
Our love will live forever
Live forever...

Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love that I long for
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love I've been waiting for

Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love that I long for
Shower me with your love
Shower me with the love I've been waiting for...