i really like to spend my time on silly things at the most inappropriate times. not the best habit there is around.

today was really unconstructive, having managed only to (so far) read 2 topics of chem h3 lecture notes + tutorials. and i spent the whole day at home, can't believe the level of inefficiency right? watched too much tv luh..

to be honest, h3 isn't all that difficult once you understand it. ok i think i just said something obviously obvious and commonsensical. somehow, it starts to make alot more sense now reading it, despite not having looked at/understood it properly almost at all ever since h3 started.
yea i sound confident now don't i, but i can very well end up dying when the test comes anyway. look what happened to physics, look what happened to the past few lecture tests this year. sneaky things like that always take me by surprise.

and computer is still down but this old little laptop seems to serve me rather sufficiently for the time being. and it certainly deprives me of msn. maybe i should not use the word deprive, because that carries negative connotations when i mean for it to be a positive change in my life so far.

hmm, i just wondered how much all this random rambling or mindless typing away on the keyboard would help me in GP in time to come. or not, since i've been doing it since sec2 but my english...oh well.

alright alright, i'm gone.
back to h3 that is.

typing this away on an ancient (relatively) laptop, wow.

somehow i feel obliged to make a post after CTs are over.

sheesh, some papers were alright but i think i performed rather badly for chem and physics. i mean you know you're not anywhere too near an A when you can leave 15 marks worth of questions unanswered aka blank.
goodbye As and hello to "waking up your idea". i guess 1-1.5 week's worth of studying just doesn't cut it too well.
my sister must have studied SERIOUSLY hard and long consistently to be able to lay claim to not having got anything below a B at all in her jc life. respect.

ah mood spoiler - chem h3 test is up next monday, while most others are probably taking a little hiatus from work, just to relax and wind down for abit, before term 2kickstarts into proper gear. i foresee a barely passing score; just hope that it isn't low enough to have them tell me that "maybe you should consider dropping the subject"!

today was good! class outing at swensens + movie + cards at j8. =D
meh, i don't really like the fact that the food portion is small (for my appetite at least) and the price not so proportionate to the size. at least there was one for one deal though. and today my wallet went bankrupt, because i forked out 30bucks to treat my pw group (and also kenneth and renhao) to ice cream. consequences of having a wager on condition that i get A1 for higher chinese Os, haha..
we watched how to train your dragon; it was quite good! the funny factor is there definitely, and the action coupled with the dragon concept was good too.
AND NIGHTFURY IS SO DAMN CUTE XD
cards were just cards so i won't say much. but uno gets extremely painful to play on after a long while, when none of the last 4 or so players ever win due to a surplus of draw cards being used. sigh.

life's going to get busy again, what with cca, ASL, the up and coming career week, and also the ever present load of homework.
better busy than not though!

grr haircuts.
(why) bother.

stress. still figuring out econs tutorials. it looks like i won't have time to do practice for all my subjects before the eve of the first. sucks? you bet.
that's that, but i'm sure He will have a way through for me.

i'm going to make a resolution to not discuss each test after i'm done with them. pretty pointless imo, and it doesn't help that you keep thinking about how you screwed up so and so question when there are more important things at hand, like the very next test on the very next day.

today, a friend smsed me that she was feeling down cause of certain things that happened. it's not everyday that something like that comes along, so you have to know that something really did happen.
besides the fact that i'm quite happy she approached me to tell me of her troubles, i feel immensely happy to just be able to offer a few words of consolation (since i can't really talk to her physically), and also to provide a word of prayer. maybe it's these incidents that gave me the idea of being a counsellor, but...it pays poorly, and my family seems to be really against low paying jobs. sheesh.
ok looks like i sidetracked. but i really appreciate the ability to do this for others. it's one of the things that somehow, make me feel just a little more human. a gift from God? yea possibly.

back to books, but to end off with a little something to share:

---

Listening as Spiritual Hospitality (from Henri Nouwen Society)

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.

tired out after 2 simultaneous camps.
not to mention, i'm suffering from abit of culture shock at the moment. always happens to me after returning from camps. feels out of touch with the environment.

coming back to the real world kind of sucks, especially when it's one of endless and (at least to some extent) mindless mugging for CTs. no wonder people relish and cherish the occasional escapade and respite from work.

oh well. take aways from the camps are aplenty. besides the fun and friends made, the fact that this is the last camp i'll attend for entre and probably the last camp too for npcc, leaves a slightly bitter aftertaste.

like, you never really realised it but term 1 IS over. and i feel like i haven't done enough.
will term 2 be more fulfilling? i sure hope (and pray that it will be) so.

bleagh, its a bummer that i most likely won't be able to attend G12. i absolutely detest the prospect (i mean the reality) of staying home perpetually for the next 4 days, doing nothing much but mugging and more mugging. life shouldn't be like that, no?

back to the life that shouldn't be this way then..


---


郭美美 - 二人同行 [魔幻视界片尾曲!]


勇气带加上宽容
在加无止境溜光的等候
以为这些付出等于美好结果
你却说凭什么

我相信你爱护我
只是爱没有想像中的多
对天空的辽阔来说云算什么
你不会懂我渺小得多宽容

* 爱你不重我要自己不要放开手
不痛不痛 心却独自跳的好寂寞
幸福那个一个美梦 是二人同行才有
你渐渐缺席让我悲叹在未来的入口

# 爱你不重尽管我无力再向前走
不痛不痛 就算辛苦得震耳欲聋
爱你我爱到最后 剩回忆这个朋友
爱情从二人同行变成我一个 默默后承受

我想过很多以后 幻想过快乐也愉悦心痛
爱就像是偏执的风 改雾悬空
只问前进忘了要怎么降落

爱你不重
不痛不痛 就算辛苦得震耳欲聋
爱你我爱到最后 剩回忆这个朋友
爱情从二人同行变成我一个 默默后承受

what's real and what's not?
are what people see (and believe) the real thing? what if that is not the actual truth?
...or is there a serious, objective truth?
truth and deception aren't separated by a line in the real world unfortunately. much unlike the true/false questions we've been accustomed to in overly simplified tests.

if you pause to think about it, everyone's running their own show and being the own magician of their lives. it's not just about showing others what you want them to see, but even going so far to deceive oneself of the (often brutal) truth. funny eh.

to be honest, "it depends" is really not that crappy an answer to the bigger questions in life. simply because it is true, more true than can ever be. so next time don't just dismiss such things as excuses because i really think things warrant a deeper look.

on another note, something to read and think about:

http://www.deepimpactonline.com/blog/productivity-and-self-management/if-you-do-not-have-this-you-will-most-likely-fail

it isn't enough to just want something apparently. we've got to want it BADLY.
moral of the day, if you will.

CTs in 10 days. make it 6 or 7, factoring in whatever things i have on. and i haven't started studying! gg. i think i'm losing grip on reality, slowly, surely, whatever.
how to turn it around? i'm hoping the answer will come, and fast.

is truth objective?
or subjective?

does it matter that you believe in something that may not truly exist? how "fake" does that make it then?

isn't the whole point just personal conviction? if you believe it you do, if you don't then you don't. debating about abstract concepts is a silly thing to do because you can't get anywhere.

come on, just hold on to whatever faith in whatever you want, and hold it there.


---

何維健 - 变化


海变成陆地
快乐的能变成悲剧
那么爱会不会变成了麻痹

沙变成天梯
丑陋的能变成美丽
那么你会不会变成我的仇敌

我不是挑剔
可怕的编剧
随时都在背后偷袭

时间会把我把你都变成了灰烬
从拥挤变距离
没有人能够保证永远一起

时间会把我把你都变成了回忆
那时候有没有一个不会为时间而变化的你*

重复*

分开追逐着相聚
心酸渴望着甜蜜
我们都是一样穷得只剩下空虚
我买不起 我不确定
绝望谷底有没有奇迹

时间会把我把你都变成了灰烬
从拥挤变距离
不变的幸福只是一种距离

时间会把我把你都变成了回忆
那时候有没有一个是你爱我我爱你最完美的结局
还是我变成了你最想忘记的回忆

18th birthday!

one of those posts where i actually bother to give a title, because it's not so incoherent and jumbled up and random.

so yes, my 18th birthday!

it's been very memorable for many reasons. mainly cause my past birthdays have not been particuarly spectacular (maybe it's cause guys don't make such a big deal out of each other's birthdays), i admit.

birthdays are a time to affirm one another's existence, value, and most of all the friendships that one has forged with others. and sincerity outweighs any amount of material gift, really.

to sum up:
-dinner with hari and sharon (on birthday eve)
-class lunch at manna cafe
-dinner with fellow CIs and some np sec4 peeps
-IHC musicfest

these are the specific "birthday" items, but really there were so many other things that culminated in a fantastic experience. like the fact that i got mad laughing at hari's epic failures, and the incredibly fun NCO training on friday (you won't ever expect how crazily epic and hilarious sec4s can get if you give them the chance to be wild). many other things which i won't list out here. pity outings were not too possible due to time constraints, but it's alright!

so far, i really enjoy the presents that i got. not so much the practical usage (no doubt that that is something substantial in itself though), but the fact that the buyers kept in mind what i appreciate and what i value. that is enough value in a gift already i feel.
photos would be up on facebook soon i hope! sad that there photos of people were forgotten to be taken though.

thank God! it's really a blessing =)

victor could be right.
maybe i do think/worry too much about even the most trivial of things.

paralysis by analysis does us all no good, no?
...yet, i'm still stuck between choices. so much for freedom of choice when both choices seem equally appealing.

i'm hoping that an answer will come along soon.