affirmation matters a lot. a whole lot.

and i may be badly in need of some of that right now.
now i know that one of the worst feelings a leader can get is one of unappreciation. it's a fact that in most organisations where people don't come together by pure passion and interest for the vision, 90% of them don't give a damn what you do for them. they ignore, smirk, give snide remarks, and even outrightly oppose you.
i know i shouldn't be getting affected by these things, but they ARE getting to me. big time. its discouraging when little comes to fruition and the rest is mostly cold treatment.

joseph says that it's good enough as long as i fulfill my own expectations, of why i chose to became a CI. perhaps it's really enough to just do one's best, because like it or not reality seldom lets you realise all your ideals. maybe this is God's will? probably so. looks like there's still alot to learn and alot to do.

knowing God, there'll be a way out of this for me eventually, and a good one at that.


---

It's Not Easy to be Me - David Gray


I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
Well it’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ...... inside of me ...(x2)

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream


I’m only a man in a funny red sheet

It’s not easy ... wu.. hoo.. hoo..
It’s not easy to be me...

acknowledge, believe, commit.
God's favour is unlimited, unexpected and unmerited.
takeaways from today. i'll keep those in mind. you would think that going for a friend's baptism service won't do yourself that much good in terms of personal growth, but surprises are abound. hence unexpected =)
i really haven't been doing enough to develop a personal relationship with Him yet..in retrospect i'm rather guilty about that. but don't worry, i will take steps to change that. and i'm also still learning alot about dealing with unpleasant emotions...yea, that's that.

hmm. my birthday's in a week. i'm not sure what to expect. just something to note, in case any dear reader happens to have intentions to do something:
-i relish long heartfelt personal messages, so if you're going to write me something, yea this would be appreciated.
-wishlist includes:

new bag (sling type)
shirts (collared preferably)
belts (something that can be worn to school as well?)
coolio A4 box file that is big enough but not too big! sometime the size of my current one, if you need a gauge.
i'll love handmade gifts too! no matter what because that's way too sincere.

oh and, i doubt i'll find things like food, or even new wallets/water bottles or everyday accessories appealing as gifts. probably cause i already have a decent one now that i won't be replacing anytime too soon.
and i don't care about brands, so as long as it's a quality product it'll do.

most of all actually, i think a strong friendship is the best gift you can give me. one can shower another with tons of material gifts but come way short when it comes to the emotional and spiritual connection. how superficial that makes it.

it's not about what you live for, but who you live for.

how far should you go to stand for what you believe in?

i'm not sure if i'm losing faith or not. suddenly, everything seems to have become a whole lot harder.
am i right to say that old wounds do still hurt? the most you can do is to numb yourself, paralyse your senses to that feeling, become desensitised. the rest is just pain.

ms cheng made an excellent point today. the thing about UGs is that you learn how to train and instruct other people. that is really what distinguishes us from clubs, sports, musical groups, academic societies and the like. essentially, it's leadership. to be honest i find that that's the most meaningful and practically beneficial skill that you can gain out of a cca.
but they need to get it for themselves. one can only drill so much propaganda into others' minds. the rest is up to them to accept and digest. if it fails...then it fails.

i hate to say it, but i'm getting tired. and discouraged.

update!

first up, chingay 2010 cip!
what did we do? we went around the spectator stands selling shirts and medallions. (i even bought one myself just for memory's sake heh) not all that exciting, but it was fairly interesting to do sales, as usual. and haha i can still remember how 3 aunties bought 9 medallions in all. super imba, they just kept wanting more and more. if only everyone were like them...there would be no need for mobile sales.
and i made many friends! some from my B1 group, some from rj. haha we were being totally retarded in the room, first with coin flipping then coin spinning, then tearing paper (aka people's hearts XD). walking to the carnival was alot of fun too, and even on the way to the mrt and home. lots of funny stupid things happened. and like kejia said, the few of us can really make quite a hilarious combo =D
so it was good stuff! got quite a few freebies, saw an awesome fireworks display (many friends said it even surpassed the NDP one), and had lots of fun with friends, old and new alike. it's been quite awhile since i had so much fun and laughter like that. it's subtlely therapeutic. and, it's so fascinating to see how laughter makes 2 strangers 2 friends.

and it may have been a miracle healing or not, but whatever it is, my toe/foot seems well enough to let me walk/run! wow. this warrants a thanksgiving prayer really.

econs test this week seems insane. syllabus is everything from j1 year till now! i know they're trying to give us more practice, but...oh well. can't argue with the facts. dedicated the whole of today to revising econs, so i hope that will prepare me at least somewhat.

ok have still got some stuff undone for the night, so that'll be all...

my newest favourite song:


---

"I'll Remember You" - No Secrets

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

Forever baby, I'll remember you

no one is infallible.
we all make mistakes.

it was a lesson rather deeply imprinted in my memory. it's never right to hand over the helm of leadership to another without due informing of the involved parties.
yet we did it anyway. rather inconsiderate and insensitive gits we must have been then.
i could sense the kind of disappointment that jun lun had when he confronted us about it. true, we had reasons for allocating camp planning to the rest of his squad, but none were good enough to justify not telling him about it. yes, it was a major oversight on our part there.
it takes a lot of courage to express an apology directly. it takes even more when you consider that its a senior (of rank, age and all) apologising to a junior. but, only a sincere apology can open the doors to true forgiveness.

shaun really hit it on the nail when he said that the current CIs of rinpcc are going back so damn often, simply because we 放不下心. translated, we don't feel at ease just leaving them be. i don't wish our efforts to create a sense of overreliance on us for help, as if we're their saviours. but at the same time i can't stand sitting there and doing nothing but watch as the unit slowly spirals downwards. ah, dilemmas and more dilemmas. what a bother.

did i mention? i'm now sporting an excellent toe injury, consisting of a disgusting flap of skin hanging loosely (ok not so much now since a couple days have passed) and a broken toenail.
the reason? i cycled into a lamp post. most of me dodged it, except for my poor foot. and don't ask me how a lamp post can inflict such injuries, because i have no idea myself. just beware the wrath of lamp posts in future or you might wind up really bad off; you've got a case in point here.
plus points: i get to skip PE! and i gain sympathy points from people. ok that was a plain silly point. i would really rather go for PE (no matter how hiong) and regain 100% health than continue like this. oh and i really hope i won't have to forgot napfa just cause of this. it sucks to not be able to train in such a condition too. grah.
minus points: i now have a morbid fear of people coming close to my right foot. have not been stepped on yet but am not going to try letting that happen. oh and maybe i have lamp post phobia too.
so that's that for my eventful day at east coast park sigh. at least i had a fun time bowling my first!

workload's getting quite bad, everything's getting harder. and i have no idea why the econs department is evil enough to test us on every single topic for the upcoming case study test and even CTs. like really, its the only department to do that. don't talk about preparing us for the real deal, since if we aren't able to mug properly for this one to start with it's not much of an accurate indicator of our performance to be right? oh and 3 days of my holidays are gonna get sapped away for camps. it's worse that i have 2 camps clashing directly.

maybe an early night's sleep will do some good.
if i can get one that is..


---

林俊傑-翅膀
曲︰林俊傑 詞︰張思爾 編︰吳慶隆

同樣的機場　不同世界
同樣的咖啡　不同味覺
同樣的我和我都少了一些
看飛機劃過天空　不見了

用妳給我的翅膀飛　我懂這不是傷悲
再高都不會累　我們都說好了
用妳給我的翅膀飛　我感覺己夠安慰
烏雲也不再多　我們也不為誰掉眼淚

空氣中藏著　妳的香味
回憶裡躲著　妳的眼淚
最後擁抱的溫暖還有一些
我拖著行李往前　一直走

看一看回憶　是雲朵一朵朵的飄過
若想要回頭　就無法傲翔

烏雲也不再多　我們也不為誰掉眼淚

sometimes, i'm just afraid of having regrets.

i just found out today that my grandma has an inflammation of the urinary tract (or something along those lines, i'm not good at translating medical terms from chinese to english). it was a casual remark by her but i was disgusted at myself for not knowing (and probably not ever knowing if she hadn't said so). it may not be cancer or something that desperately terminal, but i fear that it's a sign of worse things to come. whatever the case, it's bad enough that you get pains when you go to the toliet. i could really feel the suffering inside me then.

i thought about my friends too. how many times have i let the chance slip, to have a heartfelt talk with them or to voice out some of my sincere concerns for them and what they're facing in their lives? merely because of this stupid thing called peer pressure, which never should have existed in the first place. it ruins society. i really just want to show that i care but society makes it that much harder to do a presumably easy thing.

in the end, we all should learn to live well. why does it matter whether someone treated you well or badly before? the past is past, and the present is now. you see those shows where the dying (or soon-to-be) patients can finally reconcile the differences with their loved or close ones and untie the 心结 in their hearts? why are we always waiting until things are too late to be salvaged before we come to a sudden realisation? you won't always get second chances at things. do what we can now, help those that we can help now; because tomorrow, you may not be around or you may no longer be able to do those things anymore. do whatever your heart wills you to; more often than not it's the right thing. cherish those whom you treasure and those who treasure you, for every second and minute you get to spend with them is a blessing in itself.

sorry this is so melancholic, especially on the first day of CNY, but this is me for you.


---

Save You - Simple Plan

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

(Ahahaha)
If only I could find the answer
To take it all away

Sometimes i wish i could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know
(Oh)
I wish I could save you
I want you to know
(Ohohh)
I wish I could save you (oh)

today, there was this western couple at the gym. the woman had a rather shrilly voice and kept commenting on alot of things. and she went "oh i can do this!" at near nonexistent weights. saw a few others too doing exercises as if they were nothing. i mean come on, gym is NOT supposed to be a relaxed affair..it's probably just me, but i can't stand it when others are not appreciating or taking things as how they are/should be.

the carlsberg channel 8 movie series are not bad leh! (fyi carlsberg is just the major sponsor, the movies aren't centred around it!) i'm of the stand that short shows/movies beat long draggy dramatisations. today's plot was good, and there were a few really emotional moments that got to me as well. wow!

hmm, you know i'm seeing quite a few friends around me with the intention of doing a business in future. which influenced me a little; what could i possibly do? well i thought of one: training. if i ever ever happen to embark on (or sidetrack into) such a route, i want to do something that helps others, instead of simply selling some mind-blowing product. i want lots of personal interaction, i want to see good things coming out of what i do. this is kind of a random seed planted in me though, who knows what will happen years down the road haha.

let's talk take 5 now! ah didn't get to do very many different things, bummer. but hey, i tried out rodeo bull (or simply robot bullriding), was quite shiok! and it really works your abs heh. video on fb! XD and then the class (or the few of us who were around at least) played alot alot of captain's ball. was fun! my ball phobia vanishes when you play with such a tiny ball yay. and i koped alot of 100 plus too. speaking of which, there was A LOT of FREE OF CHARGE 100 plus and milo being given out. madness.

went for ASL interview at haw par villa after that. mr lawrence na whom we talked to was super knowledgeable wow, couldn't help but feel that our PW report would have been greatly bolstered with his points. ahh unfortunate that we got him late, but if nothing else it was an excellent learning experience just to listen to him. he pointed out really insightful points on how the government/people worked, and the mentality of people really determine everything that happens. after a talk like that, you do feel more and more that old places are worth the conservation. and a personal project on it has no doubt made me grow some attachment to the place!

read joseph's blog today, and i realised that his unit is facing problems that i see reflected in my own. the problem is that one good batch doesn't necessarily guarantee another, and good batches were already rare to come by. which makes me question the definition of "good", but that's besides the point. what can be done argh. half a year thereabout more, and then it's goodbye.

that's about it for now; am going to go off and try to get what fun and rest i can from this short but rather hectic CNY break! happy CNY too everyone!

know why i'm here?

i got tired after mugging a little physics for the test tomorrow.
what a ridiculous reason, huh.

been a while since last update, i realise. this entails a mesh of random thoughts thrown together in one post..

let's start with something spirit-lifting - rinp has got gold for UOPA! YEAH. the jubilation is badly expressed here so forgive me if i didn't come across as particularly excited or happy about it online. a recent mail from the area instructors show that in area 4, the only other gold unit's cat high. that's really impressive (for our unit to get such an achievement)! =DDD
admittedly, uopa may not be the most accurate indicator of how well a unit is doing, since the more abstract dimensions such as leadership and enthusiasm are hardly captured, but it is nonetheless heartening that we've bounced back from 2 years silver and just previous year's bronze back to gold. it shows that hope isn't dead, and it hasn't failed us yet. the knowledge of that itself is empowering.

i think human interactions matter alot in developing one's liking for an activity. if the interactions are fun and meaningful, the activity becomes similarly so, and vice versa. maybe that's why physics lab sessions can be fun, cause the 4 of us tablemates will always talk crap and link the apparatus to other...things. and the figurative nuances is just hilarious XD

watched 10 promises to my dog over the weekend. demonstrates excellently the innocence of both children and dog. heartwarming movie definitely. ah, and i was close to tears towards the end, at the scene where the dog was dying and the girl was beside it, looking at her 10 promises from 10 years back, reflecting on how she kept (or not) to each promise. the thing that sunk in the most was that, really, 10 years is hardly enough time together. which made me think, if they can find 10 years insufficient, what are 2 mere years of jc life? it'll really all be gone in a flash, and we'll find ourselves sorely missing those opportunities that we let pass us by. regret, regret is the watchword.

my stamina seems to be deteriorating rather rapidly. i'm tired every day of the week, by like 9pm. that's terrible, because it means you can hardly do much before you feel on the brink of collapse. i know, it's alot about the mind, but how easy is it to persuade your mind otherwise when it keeps popping flags up saying "i need the bed!" ? my initial lead in tutorials is getting eroded away...soon it'll be playing catch-up. no don't let that happen; but i'm bogged down by alot of stuff throughout the next few weeks. are you kidding me? j2 year seems one heck of a busier year than j1 year, and i'm not even talking about academics yet.

today, i wondered 5 years down the road, what would rinpcc look like. the same? better? worse? even though we're trying our best to keep the legacy living on, i realised that it really depends on the kind of successors we can find. you can preach and persuade but if in their hearts they don't have a place or close to that for npcc, nothing will shift their stands. that almost makes it sound like we're making a moot effort to implement something that could come to nought in just a couple of years, but no, we're still going ahead anyway.

you create something because you love it enough to see it come into existence.
in some sense, this line encompasses the nobility (or some call it stupidity) of love.


---

Right Here Right Now - High School Musical 3 Lyrics


Mmm, yeah
Yeah yeah

Can you imagine?
What would happen?
If we could have any dream
I'd wish this moment
Was ours to own it
And that it would never leave
Then I would thank that star
That made our wish come true (come true) oh yeah
'Cause he knows that where you are
Is where I should be too

CHOURS:

Right here, right now
I’m looking at you and my heart loves the view
'Cause you mean everything

Right here, I promise you somehow
That tomorrow can wait for some other day to be (to be)
But right now there’s you and me

If this was forever what could be better?
We already proved it was
But in 2,123 hours A bend in the universe
Is Gonna make everything
In our whole world change (it’s our change, yeah)
And you know that where we are
Will never be the same oh no

CHORUS:
Right here, right now
I’m looking at you and my heart loves the view
Cause you mean everything

Right here, I promise you somehow
That tomorrow can wait for some other day to be (to be)
But right now there’s you and me

Oh we know its coming
And it’s coming fast
(As long when there’s you and me) (Oh yeah)
So let’s make every second last, make it last!

Right here, oh right now
Yeah, I’m looking at you and my heart loves the view
'Cause you mean everything


Right here, I promise you somehow
That tomorrow can wait for some other day to be (to be)
But right now there’s you and me
(you and me)

Ohh you and me

But right now there’s you and… me!

i know what's good about going home early now.
the sleep.

anyway, you should really believe in the power of doing homework. ok i must have sounded dumb, but it makes alot of difference to your learning. and you won't get the sinking feeling that you're lagging miles behind. another perk could be that it makes you feel just a little bit more ego when people approach you for help. hahaha.
hmm, makes me wonder why i didn't bother doing so at all last year. could be cause of PW...but that's making it sound quite ridiculous. ah well what matters is things are improving now.

yesterday i got this random brainwave to look up scholarships. i am unsure of what should be my direction in life, and scholarships just serve to complicate matters. scholarships are another one of those huge life decision that we all have to make, along with our jobs, marriages, etc...hmm, a gp essay could possibly spawn from this so i shall not go on. think it's evident enough what the big deal is.

i really would like to ask someone, how would you know if you're making the right decision in life? this is such an inexorably difficlut question. i would like to take it easy but much easier said than done. eventually most of us stumble our way through life, and pause to think about it only too late. i don't want to be one of those people.

reminder to self: i shall be nice!