i wish i could do more.

it makes one feel rather toothless when you can only watch (for the most part) and not give them a hand.
i mean, you know what's wrong and sure you can tell them that, but making a wrong a right is not as simple as knowing what's wrong. that's the first step of course, but first steps are a necessary but insufficient condition to improving for the better. sometimes i wish i could change bodies with them and help them deal with the situation...but i know in the long run, it'll only serve to disadvantage them, because they won't really learn what they should do in the face of complicated situations.
and i don't know how to best help them either. i'm asking alot but is it really enough to give me the answer that i need? it's a paradox really, you want to help them so bad but help doesn't come to you. why, why, why.
what i'm hoping for through all this is just to make a difference. simple desire but it's more than just difficult to achieve.
i realise i've not explicitly mentioned who "them" is; if you haven't guessed it i'm referring to my ncos.

if anything though, i'm glad for the chance that i've been given. even if it all came to nought at the end, it'll be worth knowing that i tried, and that i tried for something worthy.

to extrapolate this to a larger context, doesn't it just suck when you know how to help but can't help for one reason or another? it's like that sometimes with friends. you see them in difficulty, you feel like helping but you don't know what you can say, what you can do, that will make them feel better. and making them feel worse because of an insensitive question from you is the worst thing that you could do. all this makes you feel absolutely wretched inside, even though you weren't responsible for the suffering that they're going through.

i'm making this place suffer from depression ain't i hahaha. that's what goes on in my mind huh. rather sad place maybe? nah, it's just part and parcel of being human.

i just recalled another quote.

there are two ways to live. one is to live as though nothing is a miracle. the other is to live seeing everything as a miracle.

i think i'm beginning to see miracles in the many minute things in life. that's good.

although i spent almost an hour plus talking to xue wen about nco issues and improvements, it was time well spent. now i have something to look forward to working on again. continuous improvement (which i'm a personal advocate of) has never felt so good!
heh i feel a sense of euphoria now. it's the excitment you get when you know you're about to make a significant contribution to the betterment of your cca. whee..

the ora seminar today wasn't all that bad. other than the food (at least i tried to make my m$30 paid worth as much as possible), the seminar itself was beneficial/informative. i especially liked the stuff on the interviews, since it's just so applicable not only to myself but to my cca as well. what's not to like? hey that's 2 things that're going to help rinpcc man...woah.

ok that's about enough time tonight spent on the computer (doing practically no serious work, besides that). here's a nice (but rather old) song i'm addicted to!

---


重来
作曲：李圣杰


有多少爱能重来 多少人愿意等待
失去之后才明白

走进回忆的安排 一幕一幕的对白
上演我们的未来

期待 原来是一种伤害 深爱的人已离开
是我不该 忽略你给我的爱

现在我只想 回到最初的时候 不愿让你再泪流
寂寞时侯 只有你会陪着我

现在我只想 回到最初的时候 我知道你还爱着我
亲爱的你 请你握紧我的手

　请你看看我 真的需要你的我
　一切重头(只要你回头)

i took this (with all due credit, though not properly acknowledged i know) from jon lim's blog. i don't know him myself, but ah well here you go:

This world is famous for haters, and there’ll be at least a thousand times in our lives where we’ll be at the brunt of their prejudices, exclusions and contempt. I don’t deny that RJ is a brilliant melting pot for haters (although I really must qualify that most of us aren’t like that). But the logic is simple: we are entitled to our own beliefs, and we are entitled not to listen to anyone who tries to erode them, much less those who misunderstand your intentions or your values. So stay on your own road if you think you’re right. Even if you’re wrong, you’ll change positively along the way with the help of people who are truly in support of you. Keep soaring, keep charging, keep tripping over stumbling blocks even – but above all, don’t stop just because people turn on you with a tainted eye. Shine from within, and don’t fall into the trap of forming self-approving comfort circles that reject anything beyond their point of acceptance.

i really like this paragraph, simply because it is brimming with truth and sincerity from every angle. bloggers like this are a dying breed nowadays (i think). it nicely coincides with my earlier post from today; the two really tie in together.

you know what? i was just thinking "what a coincidence", and then i realised i probably have God to thank. it's not the first time i've read something similar to the above paragraph, but reading it again (written personally by another human being) has helped to reinforce my beliefs that much more. this is no simple coincidence, i would like to believe. thank God, really.

well dear reader, if i would like you to take just one thing away from reading (even stalking?) my blog thus far, it would have to be that italicised paragraph above.

yes, it's that simple.

it struck me again, painfully today, that i've not been able to defend what i do, and even why i do what i do, for that matter.

what startles me is how people can jump to a conclusion based on how sparsely they know about the issue. how can one make an accurate judgment when they know next to nothing about it (despite the belief that they know loads)? i think a whole load of cultural and personal sensitivity is missing from our society.

does it really matter whether the people you're doing it for appreciate you for it or not? does it really matter whether others think highly (or lowly) of what you do? does it really matter when no one else can understand and see things the way you do?

i remember someone saying this: when the whole world is against you, you either die, or you succeed. so am i successful or dead? i really don't know. all i know is that something has to be done about it, and i need to be the one to do it. it's not enough that i stay committed; i want to be able to stand up and fight for what i believe is worthy.

and this new journey of mine is really still uncertain for the most part. i suppose i've found supportive friends who will guide me through this, but i don't know if it's the right thing to do. there are obstacles that might crush any hope of this carrying on.
for now, i think i will just pray that the right way to go will reveal itself to me in due time.

nothing is impossible, we're only limited by our lack of faith.

actually, GP essays can get rather interesting. fact is i've always had a thing for argumentative essays. i remember in primary school or something, i always picked that over picture/descriptive story essays. it is fun to explore worldly issues such as this; there's something intensely satisfying from excavating gems of truth admist the era of confusion and uncertainty that i think i've come to associate most of this world with. i think there's a bit of a fervent truth-finder in all of us, deep down.
but sigh, i think the education system has put things in such a way that lessons for the most part turns us off. GP essays are seen as a chore rather than a nice dose of intellectual stimulation (though it does come with a rather tedious side job of writing lengthy paragraphs). really, free exploration and learning was how everything started, and it should be how everything continues as well.

hmm i realise why my taste for books have been non-fiction over fiction. similar reasons..and you know what, it'll be interesting to recommend people books that you think they will appreciate or gain a little something from, and then see it come back to you with comments on how great the book was and all. mr koh would probably be an expert at this given his superb character-analysis/future prediction skills heh.

fatigue's been getting to me again. it's like what nigel said; only first day of the week and we are already struggling to stay awake through the night (i'm talking about before midnight even); what more can we expect for the rest of the week? sigh i'm not sure how to cope with something like this.

tomorrow does seem to be a rather eventful day. there's parade commander duty first thing in the morning XD, a talk on "the difficulty of being good", ASL interviews, and a special entre session with speaker eric feng (woots). a whole lot of learning points seemd to be lined up tomorrow!

ok, i need sleep. zzz...

one thing that makes us undeniably human is the ability to feel another man's pain.

it's like what was mentioned in GP class today, that human dramatisation can evoke or spark off a similar human emotion that much more strongly than what cartoons or CGI can ever achieve. in the end, despite all our technological advancements, the closest and most personal things to us are still those that we have had since the beginning - ourselves.
and that, is one of the beauty of being human, i reckon.

today, i got a book from mr koh that was sort of due since last month's class housewarming at his house. it's titled "a brief history of everything"; i've only looked at the summary on the back cover so far, but it has already incited interest in me. to find out the meaning of the controversial and contended issues in life, and the role they play is the exact kind of thing that i would love nothing more than to read. and mr koh has so kindly included a personal message (i didn't realise he was giving me the book until i read this). thank you mr koh, i'd definitely cherish this gift.
if there was only one teacher i could remember for his/her teachings, you know now who that would be for me.

bad progress for econs test mugging and the test is tomorrow. so long..

what a day.

went for church today, upon hari's request. i have to say that i didn't quite expect such an outcome (not that it's bad), but i won't say too much for now. since i'm kind of short on time, and i really do need to do much more thinking before i can pen down a proper, more coherent post. at any rate, doing it now will probably not do too much justice to the kind of experience i have had today.

after that i also went to attend jerome's birthday party. it was mad texas, guitar hero and food basically. abit no life maybe, but still rather fun. and i got to catch up with 4E'08 peeps plus a couple other people so it's good!
which reminds me, crazy texas result in which 4 twos won an ace triplet. and the bet was 50c (all in by the way) versus a thousand over. crazily hilarious, especially considering it was the last game and everyone just all in-ed clambered over to flip around the cards.
i really like buying birthday presents for my friends (be it guys or girls), because it is a really meaningful thing to do. the mere fact that you remembered their birthday and even bothered to take time out to choose a present that they will like says a whole lot about how much that friend means to you. and that in itself means alot to me.

many things are going through my mind right now wow. brain fluid rush. i'm rather nervous/uncertain about all of these, but yet somehow i feel a certain sense of calm.
that's good, it's all good.
and yea, i probably won't ever walk alone again.


---

Point of Grace - You Will Never Walk Alone


Along life's road
There will be sunshine and rain
Roses and thorns, laughter and pain
And 'cross the miles
You will face mountains so steep
Deserts so long and valleys so deep
Sometimes the Journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember
I want you to know

(Chorus)
(Chorus)
You will never walk alone
As long as you have faith
Jesus will be right beside you all the way
And you may feel you're far from home
But home is where He is
And He'll be there down every road
You will never walk alone

never, no never

The path will wind
And you will find wonders and fears
Labors of love and a few falling tears
Across the years
There will be some twists and turns
Mistakes to make and lessons to learn
Sometimes the journey's gentle
Sometimes the cold winds blow
But I want you to remember wherever you may go


(Repeat Chorus)

Jesus knows your joy, Jesus knows your need
He will go the distance with you faithfully

(Repeat Chorus)

funny how two people who have something to say to another really badly, but never muster enough courage to say it.

oh well, life's always funny.

and this is a pretty funny post too.

another week's gone by already.
time does fly (but not always while you're having fun)..

ONE Week's finally over. hmm, i guess i can't call it a huge success but, it was a rather meaningful week, being in charge of book donations/sales. i really like the kind of stuff that salvation army garnered from the public donations, like wow? finding good books has never been so easy. currently 8 of them sit on my desk, waiting to be read. not that i have the luxury of time to spare, but i'm sure the day when i finish all 8 will come soon enough.

thursday's pe session was uber shag. warm-up 4 rounds, imagine that. it's a 1.6 essentially. well, at least i know that i'm keeping up 8-9min timing worth, so that's decent! 2.4's a pretty different story, but not much to worry about there. standing broad jump is the killer station for me argh...i need to pass it, badly. or i'll be spending 8 weeks in pre-NS training, which is really crappy. grr.

there was also this talk by a physics nobel prize winner (and we were "nominated" to go...guess why). heh the topic got changed last minute, from "what happens at absolute zero" to something on superfluids. well, i suppose the former's answer is pretty evident, looking at how FREEZING the pac was XD ok, bad joke. i didn't really enjoy the talk too much because there was too much intellectual activity going on and i couldn't follow.
i did like one thing he brought up during q&a though; that we must not be constrained by our parents' viewpoints when deciding on a job that we ourselves really want. food for thought.

sometimes, i really get the feeling that i'm crazy. you know nothing will come out of it, but you still heck and dive in anyway. to what end, really? no one knows, the point is just that you will continue to do so. i can't even say for sure whether this is something that i want to stop or not. everything is hazy and things feel like they're spinning out of my control. it might help if things were a little clearer, but we don't always get what we want.

ok, shouldn't be so gloomy. there's a nice event-filled sunday to look forward to. will definitely be blogging about that!

bought 5 books in 2 days. wow must be a record new.
one week's book sales are too imba seriously XD (what with all the *erhem erhem* kind of books laying around...) who would have thought salvation army could have such an impressive collection of donated books! this could well become my new top bookstore XD
but, i wonder if i'd ever get the time to read all these books i've bought properly. i have a habit of giving up halfway...hmph.

training today wasn't all that bad either. true enough, i had many things to point out that the ncos could improve on but somehow, everything seemed rather pleasant enough (or maybe my mood was just good?).

makes me realise how i suddenly latched on to alot of new things in jc. books are one. the other is probably npcc. i'm sure that my proficiency wasn't half as good as when i was in sec4. not sure if it was CIBTC that contributed majorly, but at any rate it's become pretty innate already, knowing what the right thing is to do at the right time. i feel an urge to write/make a book of principles (for lack of a better word) that will help these peeps to make the right decision, regardless of situation. really, life's about sticking to the principles and enjoying life admist that.

i found a cool career guide at popular bookstore yesterday so i promptly bought it (it was kinda cheap anwyay). well, after reading it, i still feel that psychology is the kind of thing that appeals to me. next to sociology maybe...but, i really need to know what all the possible career prospects (and pragmatically, salaries) are. i feel like doing a little bit of everything; like working in prisons, schools, clinics are all so appealing. makes you wonder sometimes if too much choice is a good or bad thing huh. grr, i needa know more!

man, getting birthday presents for guys are really tough. especially when it's from a guy. and you better believe it. sheesh, i'm kinda stuck..

ahh sleepisgood.


---

Mad - Ne-Yo


She's starin' at me
I'm sittin' wonderin' what she's thinkin'
Nobody's talkin' 'cause talkin' just turns into screamin'
And now it's I'm yellin' over her, she yellin' over me
All that that means is neither of us is listening

And what's even worse?
That we don't even remember why we're fighting
So both of us are mad for

Nothing, fighting for
Nothin', crying for
Nothing, whoa
But we won't let it go for

Nothing, no not for
Nothing, this should be
Nothing to a love like what we got

Oh baby, I know sometimes it gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain

Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

And it gets me upset
Girl when you're constantly accusing
Askin' questions like you already know
We're fighting this war
Baby when both of us are losing
This ain't the way that love is supposed to go

Whoa, what happened to workin' it out?
We've fall into this place
Where you ain't backin' down and I ain't backin' down
So what the hell do we do now?
It's all for

Nothing, fighting for
Nothing, crying for
Nothing, whoa
But we won't let it go for

Nothing, no not for
Nothing, this should be
Nothing to a love like what we got

Oh baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain

Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

Oh, baby this love ain't gonna be perfect
Perfect, perfect, oh oh
And just how good it's gonna be
We can fuss and we can fight
Long as everything's all right between us
Before we go to sleep
Baby, we're gonna be happy, oh

Baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain

Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

one econs essay down.
well, that's some work done for the day.
going off to do math tutorial in abit, but let's post a little something first.

i've been wondering, is it our fault that we've been going too easy on the sec 4s? perhaps in an attempt to reduce authority abuse/reliance, we've become too friendly with them and they take our requests as really casual requests, and not take it too seriously. so that's a wrong path that we walked down then?
i chose such a path to begin with because i didn't want it to be a mere work relationship, with the all so familiar senior-junior ordering around and everything. i wanted something closer, so that you could actually call them friends and so could they you. that they wouldn't fear/mind approaching you to chat/talk/ask questions about anything under the sun. it's probably rather idealistic of me, but that was my intention.
they might have been putting friend and authority too close to each other that their definition has become hazy. well, it might be time to widen that power gap then. if that's the way to make things work, then so be it.
in the end, i really just want them to see things (npcc) the way i do. is it really that hard a wish to make come true?

i do already have my answer of course. but we always wish that answers are mere guesses, and that our hopes are the real answers that we've been seeking. pretty far-fetched/ridiculous logic isn't it; men are like that. oh well.

next week's going to be a hectic one, so i won't dilly dally much longer around here..

lalala. i do seem to be pretty active in keeping this place active recently, hmm.

anyway, on to proper business (hey pun heh, as you will see later).
entre info session for J1s yesterday. well, i must admit that it was rather disappointing to see a not-so-big turnout. but they always say quality over quantity, and i personally believe in that adage as well. thanks chenwei for the support yea! don't let modern dance bog you down too much =/
it was really quite fun to judge the J1's business pitches. some of them were pretty comical! and evan was the humor highlight of the day again XD

i realised i forgot to talk about open house! so here goes.
hmm, it's kind of like my 3rd time being part of open house as a speaker/booth person rather than a mere participant. twice for npcc, this time for entre + one chapter. quite a different experience definitely. for npcc, the sec1s hardly ask anything. so you're basically aiming to con (i mean, persuade) little kids into your great agenda of joining the cca. parents wise, they're generally concerned about the usual pragmatic stuff so again, quite abit of smoking/PC answers.
here at rj it's a different ball game though. J1s ask quite abit and it's probably a bigger challenge to persuade them, especially since the choices are much more varied than in secondary school. having good relationships with juniors definitely help in pulling them in.
but all in all, a good experience to remember, plus a useful session in training myself up on public speaking a little too. so not too bad!

went down to take a look at asian humanitarian forum today. was a little disappointed at the lack of booths/hype there, but i guess it isn't all that appropriate to hype up an event of such nature.
nevertheless, i did pick up quite a few useful things, and signed up at a couple booths as well. it felt like a rather meaningful afternoon spent.

next week looks to be an extremely busy one, what with ONE week, npcc trainings, likely campcraft competition trainings. and of course, the good old lessons + homework + upcoming econs test to study for.
life does look so exciting doesn't it?

well, let's talk less and start doing more shall we?


---

Blind - Lifehouse


I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

i just feel really tired.
i've spent 4 days out of 5 this week on npcc stuff. and i got home at 11.30 today from area 4 AGM, which frankly was a rather inefficient affair in my opinion. sigh.

the past week seemed to have passed by really fast. even though alot of things happened, why it seemed as if time passed all the more faster precisely because of that. or is it just my rather heavy head and eyelids that are giving me this illusion now haha i have no idea.

there's so much work argh. j2 is much much harder than i expected. every day is spent keeping pace with the academic progress. i'm not used to nor take easily to such a lifestyle, but maybe it'd be fun to sit in the canteen after school and study together? it just might yea. keep that hope.

i think slowly but surely, such pressure is getting to me. take yesterday, i was asking mrs lim so many questions on just one chem topic (for one of the first few times in my schoolife ever, seriously). i even try to do alot of work every day when i get home, but my stamina's been failing me as the week goes by. like yesterday i couldn't take it already at 11 plus and i just gave up and went to bed. i really don't know how to overcome this, can someone enlighten?

and some things just never leave you. some memories too. let's just put it that our human brain is extremely weird in that the more you want to forget something, the more vividly you remember it. how paradoxical but that's the way the world works, it's full of paradoxes.

i do really think that the question "why?" is one of the most important things/concepts in life. knowing why is the first step to understanding of anything. and more importantly it is the key to conviction.

others should never comment blindly or make silly judgments on issues that they don't fully understand themselves. it upsets me extremely when people put down npcc with totally unbased statements. i mean really, who are you to judge what's right and what's not, what's worth and what's not? even if you can't appreciate where i'm coming from, at least respect the fact that others have their own minds and it's perfectly alright to choose a different route in life to go by.

i'm getting wiped out gradually and losing focus, so i guess i'll stop here.

it's funny how some things make so much sense, but yet you never thought of it.
one look at the various facebook groups that are mushrooming all over the site proves my point.
the most recent i joined? "when i get a typo i look at the keyboard to see if the 2 keys were close".
how cool is that?
yet the subconscious mind always manages to escape our attention undetected.

today i got a brief look at kejia's copy of intercultural communication (business context mostly), and it looks awesome alright! just that still, i'm undecided as to whether psychology would be the right path for me (be it interests or finances wise). lucky that our new HO (hear hear!) has some expertise to share in this area, so that's a plus on top of a plus! i love that.
hmm i suddenly, randomly wondered what the downside is to that. it's symmetry you know? for every upside there's a downside. it's like everything in the world has a balance...even economic things like circular flow of income, balance of payments...ok i should stop this academic talk which probably got pretty irritating huh?

i was quite proud of myself today in school! i got a WHOLE lot of chem questions thrashed out and settled proper (thanks mrs lim for being so patient and nice!), and even got down to understanding math better. heh it even makes me feel smart to be able to answer physics tutorial questions that some others didn't know how to. don't mind the ego boost here, they ARE beneficial at times really.

let's try to use this ego boost to sustain me through the rest of the night, and get some solid work done =)

must we always face others in a happy jovial mood?
are we not allowed, by some social norm or other, to be unhappy when we are unhappy and not talk when we don't feel like talking?
social norms are ridiculous to the point that they should be removed.

wearing a mask is an exhausting effort, you know?
but despite whatever we may say, we go on wearing them anyway.

the sad fact of life.

one year of work, paid off.
higher chinese A1.

i remember that my heart was thumping like mad during lunch. you know it's not a nice feeling when you know you screwed it up once before, and the prospect of history repeating itself is just a tad too much to bear. just picture it and you'll know what i mean.
well, i think my immediate feeling after i saw my results was one word.
RELIEF.
haha i remember how people like dawn were saying that i still had this buay song look despite the aftermath of collection of results. i guess i was just too relieved that it was all over and that i got what i desired. don't think that i'm crazy though, the smiles and hoorays are just hidden deep inside me that's all! =DDD

but on hindsight, it isn't THAT great an achievement. it is after all a lone subject when tons of others took 10 or 11 exams at one go and still managed to achieve flying colors. plus i had the opportunity to do it twice (which meant loads of extra time), which was really a god given chance in itself if you think about it. well, i think ultimately the most important lesson for me is not to get complacent.

today was one of the days where i felt most productive schoolwork wise. why, i was mugging for chem test before chem h3/my exco meeting in the canteen, came home and went straight for econs/math catchup.
i believe it's due in large part to post-results euphoria! maybe i'd try framing/putting up my results slip in front of my table and it might serve as a surprisingly effective motivator =)
have not continued revision for tomorrow's chem test but who cares! that'd come later.

before i end i just want to talk a little bit about first day of school. haha, j2 homecoming was just >.> for me, it was so messy and noisy and packed that it the feeling just wasn't right.
we got a new gp tutor too! wow i can definitely sense some pro aura around him. this could prove to be our saviour from last year's mess made by...*hem hem*.
new math tutor coming in tomorrow too (huhu mr tan why did you have to go). no idea how he's like, but i guess in around 10 hours' time i will.
started the school year off with tons of cca stuff too. exco meetings, ONE week preparations have got me quite a few things to occupy myself with. ah and npcc's going to get alot busier too. let's go let's go.

hmm random quote to end it off:
Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.


---

Testify To Love - Avalon

All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the Hope in every heart will,speak what love has done

O-Oh Ohhh

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

Colors of the rainbow
Voices of the wind
Heaven reaches out where love begins
Word of every story
Star in every sky
All creation testify

Mountains to the valleys
Rivers to the sea
Heaven reaches out to offer peace
Simple act of mercy
Kingdom come
Every heart will speak what love has done

Colors of the rainbow
Voices of the wind
Heaven reaches out where love begins
Word of every story
Star in every sky
All creation testify

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love!

well well i could have spent this time studying more chem or going to sleep, but i'd rather not.

in 7 hours time i'd be sitting somewhere in school (probably canteen), going about my usual business of slacking/finding people to talk. it's become almost ritualistic you know? why, i don't even feel anything special about school term starting. what's the big deal when it's just another day of the universe unfolding? maybe i'm becoming desensitised to changes around me. i wouldn't consider that desirable for myself though.

hmm, reminds me that O level results are out tomorrow. for the most part it's irrelevant to me, but there is that one subject called higher chinese. no details have been released to us about collection procedure etc so i shall assume our time to do so isn't with most of the students. ehh i don't feel nervous at all. not sure if it's because it's just one teeny subject which i've took twice already, or that i just grew tired of bothering to be bothered.

alright this is really like penning down random thoughts, so that's the end of this post.

on 2009

yup here you go, the long-awaited retrospective post.

looking back, 2009 was a really special year. in the sense that it knocked alot of sense into me, something which i now think i really really lacked in past years.

well there've been many things that were responsible (and that i am thankful for) for making this happen. 10S06N, pw, entre, npcc, and the list goes on. there're many people i would like to thank too; it would be too much of a bother (and dread) to list them all and make you read the list, but rest assured that those of you who have given to me in special ways are well remembered by this little mind of mine, and i think you would know who you are from how i reciprocate in our everyday interactions =)

definitely, i've had my fair share of high and low points throughout this whole year. i don't think there's any point to comment on whether they've been good or bad, since really everything is something to learn from. we just have to learn to take it in our stride, and make our lives even better henceforth. that's the best way to treat ourselves (and others too).
and trust me, i have come to believe more strongly in the fact that things in life do fall into place eventually. even the setbacks and failures that you've faced. they're part of the bigger story, in the end. and one small dent does not indicate a similar dent in the bigger picture.

i think in summary, this year has made me a much better person than ever before. for that at least, i am grateful to 2009 and all who made it possible. even to my parents who scold me, seriously! on another note, don't take them for granted, seriously. in time to come we will all realise that no family is complete without any one member. the feeling just isn't right (and feelings are ever so important).
well, this blog deserves a great big hug too, for accompanying me silently thus far.

it just dawned on me that there're many skills that i want to pick up. computer skills, first aid, some sport or two (shooting/rockclimbing/archery sounds good), etc etc. why, i'm throwing people and leadership skills into the mix too! perhaps this will sort of be something to work towards, to keep learning and gaining new experience and expertise. as the old adage goes, 活到老学到老 hahaha.

other than that, a couple other hopes (nope they're not cheesy new year resolutions which never get realised anyway) that i have for the next year would be to keep all the friendships old and present strong, and also that my goal (previously mentioned) for npcc can bear signs of fruit while i'm still around to witness it. if not i might have to "resort" to returning as a CI/HO in university, but that's all tentative; maybe i should let go at the end of this year eh. oh, and if i can finally decide on a future career path that i find truly contenting and satisfying (and convince my parents on it), that'd be great as well.

that being said, there's goodbye to 2009 (fine i know it's been 2010 for how long already), and a big hello to a hopeful and fruitful 2010 to come!


---

(i did take a little while to find a song with appropriate lyrics to complement this special post. and i think this would do. coincidentally it feels right somehow too!)


5ive - Keep On Moving


I woke up today with this feeling
That better things are coming my way
I bet the sunshine has a meaning,
And till nothing's gonna get in my way

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahhhhhh)
Never look oh you gotta hold on and
Not stop till the break of dawn and
Keep moving, don't stop rocking(ahhhhh)

Get on up, when you're down, baby
Take a good look aroud, I know it's not much
But it's ok, Keep on moving on anyway

Feels like I should be screaming
Trying to get it through to my friends
Sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
But I know things'll be alright in the end

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahhhhhhhh)
Never look oh you gotta hold on and
Not stop till the break of dawn and
Keep moving, don't stop rocking (ahhhhhhhh)

Get on up, when you're down, baby
Take a good look around, I know it's not much
But it's ok, keep on moving on anyway

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying (ahhhhh)
Never look and you gotta hold on and
Not stop till the break of dawn and
Keep on moving don't stop rocking(ahhhhhh)

Get on up, when you're down, baby
take a good look around I know it's not much
but it's ok, keep on moving on anyway

Repeat chorus x2

Get on up (keep on moving, keep on moving, keep on moving...)

I know it's not much (keep on moving, keep on moving, keep on moving...)

Get on up (Keep on moving, keep on moving, Keep on moving

RARH time is passing by so quickly.
friday night (rather saturday morning) already.

i'm supposed to have started on (and finished) math and finished reading my new library book already.
both undone.
WHY.

sucks.

ranting abit does make me feel abit better. that's all for now heh!

and i did contemplate for at least a moment here on whether this post should succumb to "delete" or be publicly shown so that everyone can see what a ranter (is there such a word?) i am.

well, you know which side won don't you?

this is quite random but i have the feeling that i gotta get it down somewhere, lest it slips my mind for eternity.

a long long time ago, when i was still young and innocent (i mean i am still quite innocent, but come on it's just a figure of speech!), i declared that when i grew up...
i wanted to be a policeman or a fireman. interesting.

it gets more interesting when you realise where i am now. rather, what cca i am in now.
hoho, do childhood prophecies really come true?
nah, this is pretty much just fun trivia in my opinion. but still, it's cool enough.

today marks a time in a long long time that 4e people went out for anything close to a gathering/outing at all. even though it was only 4 of us, i feel really glad that something like that materialised. you always hear tales (some of which are real) about friends drifting apart because you're no longer in the same class, same cca, same school, whatever. this is true; physical distance does do alot of things to gradually dissolving your relationship. what i'm probably glad of is the fact that you don't walk past that face in the corridor and act like you don't care whether he's alive or he's dead anymore. that's the most sad thing to happen to a relationship.

there're 2/3 days left to the holidays. from here on, the pace of life's going to go into super acceleration. it's going to take a lot of work to get used to that, i can tell. i'm not sure if i'm ready for something like that...ahh.

enough about that, back to work.

the past few days seemed to have passed by far too quickly.
it was just 2 days of raffles trail preparation plus actual event itself, but i feel pretty shag after everything. whoa.
time perspective has something to do with this, i know it. i just can't put my finger on what it is exactly.

raffles trail came/ended with rather mixed feelings about everything. sure, they didn't have as much initiative as i wanted nor did they perform up to standard sufficiently. granted, they just became sec4s and planning could really only start at short notice, so they're not all to blame. but anyway, i had fun (as usual, i always have fun at npcc depsite whatever negative things that may have come along), be it from the drills session, catching up with people or talking to the curious parents.
special thanks goes out to teng chuan, ye oon and lock leong for coming down to help despite being free of obligations to the unit whatsoever! thanks so much.

the more you think about something (bad), usually the worse it gets. can we place some sort of blockade between our hearts and those negative feelings sometimes so that we can concentrate on what is right instead? it doesn't help if those negative feelings keep barging in on you at every whim and fancy.

just now i was talking to a friend who told me he intends to drop out of jc. well, if he can't get his drive in jc but believes he will do so in poly instead, i told him why not? as long as you believe you can do it, i'd support you. makes me think of the phrase "one size does not fit all". seriously, who said that everyone has to take the jc route in order to make some kind of a decent mark in life? who said that everyone has to become a doctor lawyer or CEO or you just fail in society (and monetary prowess)? aren't there other more important factors to consider, one of the most important being your own happiness and satisfaction derived from the route chosen?

but it makes me think about npcc too. what if we're just trying too hard to make silver become gold (analogy to the cadets of course)? that can't possibly happen, not with what technology and methods we have now. does that mean that i should stop bothering to try since nothing will come out of it?

ah crap i really think too much. think too much and nothing gets done.
if i blog too much nothing will get done too.

so, i'm outta here for now.


---

第几个100天


词：姚若龙

曲：林俊杰



我把爱铺成蓝天

让不安的妳一抬头就看得见

我把心烧成火焰

让怕黑的妳拥着温暖入眠


我晓得时间如雪有时候会覆盖一切

但是真爱一如倔强会重生的绿叶


第几个一百天还是很有感觉

用眼睛去素描妳内心的世界

第几个一百天也像刚热恋

两个人手一牵连命运都改变


曾有的敏感脆弱

在我的胸口你就躺下来别说了

将有的固执冲动

我也会拥抱妳安抚着体谅妳心疼着
Woah~
Yeah~


第几个一百天越来越有感觉

用眼睛去素描妳内心的世界

管过多少一百天也像刚热恋

两个人手一牵连命运都改变

当守护变信念连泪水都很甜

today feels like a good day to blog. so here i am.

you ever got the feeling that whatever you're doing doesn't seem to make the situation any better? as if what you did just evaporated into absolute nothingness?
well, i definitely got majorly hit by that today.

getting your hopes crushed bit by bit sucks.

i had/have alot of hope for (possibly) my final year in rinpcc. i could now really see myself picturing solid goals that i want for myself and for the unit before i say goodbye.
i suppose i'm just too much of an idealist sometimes. admittedly, the future batches of leaders can't all be just like me (that would be rather scary really), and it would really take alot, alot, alot, of effort and sincerity to move them in what i believe is the right direction.
today's performance from the sec4s really got to me somehow. first major event of the year and none of them seem to be taking it even half-seriously. is it something wrong
with them?
and, it isn't all that helpful to have parents and elder siblings alike giving you dressing-downs because you're out too much. i mean ok i see your rationale and all, but give me a break will you? all things in moderation please, when you get excessive it becomes negative work. i'm already having a not-too-pleasant time here trying to get things to work out.

so i start to ask myself, perhaps i'm doing things wrongly? am i trying too hard? would they be better off if i ceased to exist or interevene someday? they almost seem reliant on us for (the unit's) survival. and like i told them today, that is a really pathetic state to see them in. a cadet inspector may be of higher rank than any sec1 to sec4, but why should that make us the ones in charge of handling and DOING everything? something like that should be utterly unacceptable.

i remember from one of my leadership books that the true mark of a leader is what his or her organisation/team can accomplish without his or her presence. i am going to make that my goal for rinpcc for the rest of this year (however much i'd be able to contribute), regardless of what people (cadets or otherwise) would say, think, gossip about me.

sometimes, i suppose we're just looking for some sort of indication to tell us that we're doing things right. that would make all the effort worth it, and then some.

here's lyrics from Together (channel 8 9pm show). i know most people find the show silly but oh well. the song does seem rather nice now though.

---

一条街有多长
年少就多长
我时常都回到
昨天去徜洋

那外面 有多大
用笑声 去丈量
你背影 有多长
思念就多长

我们总是这样
借彼此肩膀
我们总是错过
幸福那一站

拥有了 全世界
可是你 却看不见
我宁愿
重回到那一年
牵着你 去看明天

失去了 全世界
还有你 在我身边

能不能
重回到那一年
你的梦 我的歌 蓝的天
叫永远

能不能
重回到那一年
你的梦 我的歌 蓝的天
叫永远

anyone wondering where my retrospective post disappeared?
don't worry it's all in my head.
the reason why it's not out yet is because well, i don't really have the time (nor much of a mood) to sit down, think things through properly and pen (or type) it down.
sure you can say its excuses (what's more i'm actually bothering to type in something else right now eh?), but oh well. good things are worth the wait.

this week is going to be one busy week. raffles trail preparation is not going all that well (can't believe i said that); what's up with the sec4s? alot alot alot of things are not settled yet, including hierachy issues, exco meetings, implementation of new initiatives, makeup courses, and the list goes on almost infinitely. it's a new kind of busy that i somehow never got to experience in 2009. but in a sense i almost relish this sense of hecticness, because it tells me that i'm getting down to do alot more things than before. this could potentially kill me, being A level year this year, but ah heck i'll place rinpcc over As any day while i still can (that is, before i majorly screwup CTs?).

other than that, i'm glad that we're having a mini 4e outing this week! come to think of it, 4e has never actually had a proper outing for like forever. so this is really...hard to come by. someone please thank me for having the initiative =/

libraries have awesome books. if you're the kind who's at least half bothered in reading books, any books at all, that should be a good place for you.

ah i'm feeling a little unwell now. i am seriously hoping that it doesn't develop into something serious by the time i wake up tomorrow (or today rather). that'd make all my plans for this week go up in smoke, be it meetings cca studying etc.

that should be enough time wasting for now. today was not very productive again ARGH. sucks.

2010! =D

retrospective post that i promised is not upon us yet. still have a camp to share..
without further ado.

for the information of you, dear reader, this camp is NCOBTC D09. ok if you didn't get that, it means nco basic training course december 2009. organised by yours truly (and my other CIs) =D

it was a surprise that we managed to start this camp ahead of time. like seriously, previous camps always always always had people coming in late. this one was THE exception. not sure why, but i shall not complain about that.

this is my second time conducting npcc lecture-style camp, so i was pretty comfortable with it. i was glad that shaun handled it quite well too, probably much better than what i'd expected from a newbie from CIBTC haha. which was good! but like he says, a little too naggy =P

but time delays really cost us this time round. in total, we had to forgo 4 activities. in part it was due to underestimation of the lecture timing, and also in part due to a certain very unpleasant incident. that'll come later on. at least, the camp was suitably completed, so not all too bad.

activities were a little messy i feel, probably due to lack of preparation. the ability to point out mistakes naturally saved me; i would likely have screwed up somewhat otherwise. goes to show that sufficient planning, like we told the sec3s in our lecture, is seriously essential.

photos were limited sigh. part time photography just doesn't cut it when you're the organiser of the camp yourself. =( i have to appoint a photographer the next time seriously.

well, i really had fun with the sec3s (or should i say sec4s since it's 2010 already!). matthew and jun lun's "orh" really had me addicted, and i think it'll be sticking with me for quite awhile...XD
truth or dare was funny too. still remember how farhan was dared to kiss one of the CIs. he crawled towards us like ju-on omg. scary.
for the more serious stuff, i really do have alot more to go for leadership. i suppose this experience has helped me to strengthen my beliefs and broaden my knowledge, but it's definitely not enough. more, more and more, that's continuous improvement for you.
keeping things informal and light-hearted is probably my style of doing lectures. seeing people laugh and taking it easy, that's what i like. even if it might not seem all that professional, i don't mind since it works.

oh yes about the incident that i mentioned earlier. well, it was a theft case. and the victim(s)? me included. first time too, unless you want to count the other time when chem notes mysteriously went missing from my bag, and even shude's bag which was beside mine kena-ed.
what happened (to my knowledge) was that we vacated our classrooms to do an activity at raja block foyer. that was the only time we were completely gone from the place. only realised money was missing when we were down for lunch and i opened my wallet to take out money. i got a serious shock. gah, from 50/60 bucks plus to virtually none (the thief was probaby lazy to dig out the last few coins stuck at the bottom of my coin pocket).
frankly, i'm not that concerned about retrieving my money. rather i want to know the truth. in a sense it was good to know that it wasn't an internal theft case, it would be so depressing if it was. on the other hand, school security is something of a concern to me now.
once bitten twice shy, i'm going to be extra careful with laying my wallet/handphone around in future now. take it as a lesson learnt =/

whatever the case is, it's now 2010 so a more optimistic mood is called for. lessons learnt are lessons learnt but mulling over them aimlessly isn't helping very much. there're things to do, notes to revise, books to read, etc etc. and posts to write (that'd be tomorrow hopefully)!
that will be all for now. happy 2010 to my blog! hope you had a great year with me hahaha, and yea thank you for being my trusty avenue of expression all these years! =D