i guess it's been a fulfilling weekend, with medsoc cip and an outing with the sec4s.

the greatest takeaway from the cip was probably not about learning how to administer simple health screenings and surveys or interacting with members of the public politely (though those were nevertheless important), but rather realising how bad a state the lower part of singapore society is in. i can still recall the old granny recounting her sad tale, and (argh not again) i cried. i do seem to be crying awfully alot this year (and in public at that) for some reason. well liberal expression of human emotion isn't all that bad. anyway, this has probably reinforced my want to do social work, especially to help out the less priveleged and disadvantaged members of society. it's depressing and defeating when you realise how we splurge on the most silly and unnecessary material things in life when elsewhere in the country, there are people even having trouble getting themselves 3 meals a day (and it's not that they are not bothering to work).

outing was pretty fun though. but i just realised how ironic it is for me to be saying this when i just said how we shouldn't be splurging unnecessarily...ok i will make an effort to spend less on these silly things from now on, take it slowly yup. anyway, i got to explore abit more of singapore today, and i also got better at pool! whee finally. argh and the national library has this wonderful book about psychology but it's in the reference section, meaning i can't loan it. what a bummer.

more books have been added to my collection. its a stark contrast to previous years, where i absolutely detested books (academic and non academic alike) and i would just stuff myself with games cards food. but now whenever i see my type of books i'll feel a strong urge to take it down and head straight for the cashier to make it mine. if only i could do the same for academic books huh. but its really amazing how i've changed. i can't say for sure whether it's for the better or worse. just know that i've changed.

and i really gotta start thinking about the future. i think being able to plan is the most important thing in life, maybe second to actually executing the plan. things like my future university course, which university, what kind of job are but some of the more pragmatic considerations. if not now, then when would be a good time? i'm kind of worried really. and i'm not sure if "leave it to fate" is the answer that i'm looking for/want to look for.

npcc camp's starting tomorrow, and i realised that i can pack super fast now. like yesterday, within one hour it was done. last time i could take like a couple days to do it...but then again, i procrastinated and dilly-dallied so oh well.
but i'm still very worried about the sec3s, not sure how they will turn out. their final proposal still seems unsatisfactory (in my standards at least), and i'm not sure how they will take to and use their newfound authority. it takes time to learn the right way to do things, definitely, but i'm not sure if time is on their side. i'm glad though that shaun will be returning as a CI, and that definitely means more hope for the unit (even though many of them will groan because they don't actually know what's good for them). i can say that there is still hope burning within me, and i'll be doing all i can to make sure that it stays strong, and that it can go on to ignite the hearts of others in my next and (probably) last year as a CI of rinpcc.


to end off, here's a nice song that i recommend!


歌曲：表达爱

演唱：林俊杰 廖君

（男） 我们擦身而过
风卷起了沉睡的什么
情绪在怂恿 撑开了懵懂
有一种冲动 yeah
（女） 决定不沉默
毕竟有感觉的人不多
我不想就此错过

（男）眼睁睁看爱 （女）就这样过吗
（男）至少我和你 （女）可以说说话
（合）证明刚刚发生过什么
用表白 换一份期待
能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈
心还 绕着你徘徊
难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白
爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外
让我勇敢 表达爱

（男）眼睁睁看爱 （女）就这样过吗
（男）至少我和你 （女）可以说说话
（合）证明刚刚发生过什么
用表白 换一份期待
能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈
心还 绕着你徘徊
难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白
爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外
让我勇敢 表达爱
用表白 换一份期待
能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈
心还 绕着你徘徊
难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白
爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外
让我勇敢 表达爱

让我勇敢 表达爱

last day of school.

it feels a little strange that school has ended. like i can't get used to this sudden change in atmosphere. but well this isn't the first time we've been through this so it'll pass soon enough.

last 2 days have been entre bazaar, and well even though we wound up with a small deficit, i think it's fair to say that it's a lesson well learnt (and bought, in a sense). i think doing actual business beats whatever theoretical planning one can do. what better way to learn than through experience? persuading people, smooth-talking (just a little), shouting for customers, external liaison and managing sales were many of the skills that i got to put to the test myself. oh, and especially impromptu skills (which is one of the most important life skills in my opinion) as well, sales would not have gone half as well if we couldn't effectively employ this. just goes to show that one can derive a learning point from anything.

you know, i'm getting really sick and tired of people. we're (myself included) always so insensitive, jumping to conclusions so hastily when we don't even know half of what the truth really is. the fact is that things aren't ever what they simply seem to you at superficial level. what right do we as mere unknowledgeable individuals have to judge others on their actions/behaviour/conduct without even thoroughly understanding the issues at hand? yet we always think we're right, we're accurate, and we insist in our own ways. i'm quite sure the world would be a 100 times better if only everyone could start giving one another a little more leeway and consideration of each other's feelings. everything is done for a reason, whether you believe it or not.

and i really hate social norms because they serve little good but restrict us in every way you can think of. what's with that? how can someone be labelled as "weird" just because he or she does not follow these norms? they are man-made to begin with. and if i were to be picky, everyone is weird in one another's eyes, in one way or another. your "weird" may not be my "weird", weird is seriously such a vague and subjective term that we humans coined up ourselves, and randomly plug in to use in practically any social context. it's actually somewhat funny how people are so oblivious to the very flaws that break them.
people should start doing what they want to, and stick to it. i'm really impressed by how yitian stays true to her mugging for SATs and whatnot despite the class' comments about it. that i feel, should be the way things go. you dictate your own way of life, not others.

anyway, holidays just officially started so it's supposedly a cause for celebration. but it doesn't feel that way at all, not this year anyway. i think too many things are happening, and the mood just runs opposite to the jovial light-hearted atmosphere that's supposed to be around. the pressure is also on to get myself geared up for a levels, h3, cca and many more. i think life has taken on a very drastic change for me. it used to be mindless day-by-day living, but now, despite the procrastination, it's gone into a much deeper level. and though it's become more emotionally and mentally taxing, it is self-satisfying. worth the life, in other words.

remind me of desiderata again please.

Something that I could mull over perhaps. Obtained from ColorGenics..i know these things may not be completely accurate, but well, it's something.


You are under considerable stress and you are almost about to 'blow your top' but you are fortunate enough to be able to exert control. Control is the name of the game and it is so good to realise that whatever the situation may be a this time - it will pass. You need to get away from everything for a while and if you do, you will find that, strangely enough, it will seem that most of your problems and situations will seem to wash away, just as the sea may wash away 'footprints' in the sand.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realise those dreams and to turn them into reality.


sounds so bad isn't it? oh well that could just be my life, the one that people don't know of.

today lots of things and emotions came over me (despite the lack of an obvious incident), and i couldn't help but feel that we're ever so powerless and helpless in this big big world. i wouldn't go so far to call ourselves chesspieces and a so called higher ruler the chess player, but it seems like we can never become truly immune to the influences around us. the life equation always includes these variables; who are we to resist them and what can we even do to resist them. sure, we don't always succumb to them, but there are always those times that you get swayed by them, that you got to admit.

but yes, it's time to take the step forward in some things. never mind if it's the right step or not, i should be glad that i am taking a step.


被风吹过的夏天 - 林俊杰


还记得昨天那个夏天
微风吹过的一瞬间
似乎吹翻一切
只剩寂寞更沉淀

如今风依旧在吹
秋天的雨跟随心中的热却不退
仿佛即使闭着双眼
熟悉的脸又会浮现在眼前

蓝色的思念
突然演变成了阳光的夏天
空气中的温暖
不会更遥远
冬天已仿佛不在留恋

绿色的思念
回首对我说一声四季不变
不过一季的时间
又再回到从前
那个被风吹过的夏天

还记得昨天那个夏天
微风吹过的一瞬间
似乎吹翻一切
只剩寂寞更沉淀

风依旧在吹
秋天的雨跟随心中的热却不退
仿佛继续闭着双眼
熟悉的脸又浮现在眼前

蓝色的思念
突然演变成了阳光的夏天
空气中的温暖不会更遥远
冬天已仿佛不在留恋

绿色的思念
回首对我说一声四季不变
不过一季的时间又再回到从前
那个被风吹过的夏天

蓝色的思念
突然演变成了阳光的夏天
空气中的温暖不会更遥远
冬天已仿佛不在留恋

绿色的思念
回首对我说一声四季不变
不过一季的时间又再回到从前
那个被风吹过的夏天

那一风吹过的夏天
那一风吹过的夏天

it seems that i always come here when i have some sort of emotional baggage that i want to release.
what an excellent medium to do just that (or not).

well, promos chinese and OP may be over and done with, but it's almost like the greater obstacles in life are but yet to come.
the only difference is that this wall seems far more impossible than any other wall in the past. and i'm not being one bit pessimistic here when i mention this. i think it's only fair to call it stating facts.

just read 2 chinese books that i bought today, i AM getting addicted to buying books. i did a stock check of sorts yesterday and i have 7 chinese books and 8/9 english books that i purchased this year, completely of my own free will and not because i had to read it for some school reading assignment.

it almost seems funny that i'm into chinese books after chinese is over and i should be celebrating the fact that i can stay away from chinese for like forever and ever. but no, learning a language should not be like that, and definitely a language should not cease to exist in your life merely because the relevant exams are a thing of the past. it was meant to be a lifelong experience and should rightly be so. what's more, the chinese language is seriously (in my opinion) better than english. there're those things that you can never express in english half as well as in chinese.

i must confess that i am troubled. yeah i know i go around acting like everything's fine and dandy outside, and that i'm like some happy little lad, but things are never what they seem. there's pressure and worries coming from all aspects of life and it's not helping that i'm supposed to handle all this on my own. the days of mindless slacking are long gone, even though it's post whatever-that's-important season now. the fact is that there are just too many things for me to take care of. i can almost feel myself becoming breathless.

i need some hope.

omg i love JJ lin now.
fine call me slow, but i just realised that his songs are super good.
man i love karaoke. not that i have some godly singing skills to boast of, but i think singing is an excellent method of expression of oneself. regardless of good singing skill or otherwise, yes.
hmm and i think the trip to junyan's house can be very accurately summarised as fun.

well, now OP's over and so is chinese. both seemed to have went by alright, and i sure hope it will stay that way even after the results come out. what a sigh of relief, i can forget the notion of exams for a month plus or so now. oh no but holidays are supposedly to revise J1 stuff in view of A levels next year. grr.

at any rate though, it's time now to turn to the other things in life. cca, friends, and whatnot will be back. i'm trying to give myself alot to do during this holiday, but somehow it seems so much like "wrong place wrong time". argh, this kinda sucks. but anyway, i'll see how it goes.

i'm reminded of how i got super pissed off today at my sec3s. handover already and yet they're handing in pathetic absurd standards for their camp proposals. i can't believe that they don't have the maturity or even intelligence to buck up and at least put on a decent show for me (not that i want that to happen of course, but fact is they aren't even bothering to bluff me, which really says alot about how bad the situation is).
i've got too many times of hope and then disappointment, it's starting to become a numbing feeling. no, i don't want to become like that please. it's a really sad way to live your life.

this does feel like start of the year all over again in a way. it's the same feeling of apprehension, uncertainty, and basically not knowing what to do. i need people to talk to, to ask, and to get advice. i really appreciate and need the consent and support from others to feel good about myself, i realised.

but despite the negative spate of events, i'm so glad that i have my few good friends whom i can always turn to for a heart to heart chat, and my music even. it's almost like a tranquiliser for me, it can stabilise all the fluctuating emotions that i come under.

it's enough said for today. tomorrow will mark the start of a new chapter..(ok i didn't mean for it to be so drama, but hope the point got across)

thank you mr koh.

yesterday marked our last (official) PW lesson with mr koh.

many emotions came over me that day, or rather that short period of time where he dedicated us a song, a message, and basically his parting words.

i won't go into detail about what he did, this is just a very personal reflection.

i think there's a difference between a good teacher, and a teacher who really reaches out and touches your heart.

mr koh is one of the latter, i have never been more sure of it. just look at the message that he took time to individually draw out our names in crayon with, and you can feel the endless sincerity coming out from the words itself.

i remember telling yitian how i wanted to cry and then did a few sniffs randomly. i really didn't expect to come that close to actually crying. i really felt tears coming up and i couldn't talk calmly for almost a minute i think.

that's how much the experience meant to me. i don't recall coming that close to tears in public before, especially not in school where people around actually know me.

i didn't know this particular teacher impacted me that much.

i guess if it was some other teacher who had taught me PW for the last 9 months, my perception of PW might have been much worse. teachers are really really influential in shaping you and this you should believe.

well, one thing is for sure. mr eddie koh will continue to be someone i respect, look up to and even aspire to be (somewhat), for now and for the future as well.

the person this message is intended for will probably not see it here (a card is far more appropriate for this purpose and i shall do just that), but i still feel like saying it anyway.

thank you mr koh.

PS. here's the message and the song that he dedicated to us, enjoy:

---

Desiderata


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and agressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all it's sham drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.


---


Sunrise of Your Smile - Michael Card

Reject the worldly lie that says,
That life lies always up ahead,
Let power go before control becomes a crust around your soul,
Escape the hunger to possess,
And soul-diminishing success,
This world is full of narrow lives,
I pray by grace your smile survives.
Chorus- For I would wander weary miles,
Would welcome ridicule, my child,
To simply see the sunrise of your smile,
To see the light behind your eyes,
The happy thought that makes you fly,
Yes, I would wander weary miles,
To simply see the sunrise of your smile.

Now close your eyes so you can see,
Your own unfinished memories,
Now open them, for time is brief,
And you'll be blest beyond belief,
Now glance above you at the sky,
There's beauty there to blind the eye,
I ask all this then wait awhile,
To see the dawning of your smile.

there's something nice about the quiet of the night.
when the urge to fall asleep is absent, what follows is the urge to do the things that you've not done before.

this'll be a short post by the way, just to end off the night at 2am heh.

today was some alright chinese mugging, i sure hope i can sustain something like that till next week.
speaking of which, it's only 10 days left till chinese Os.
yes, 10 days.

the craziness of life has been getting to me somewhat again. i'm back to doing the usual stunts, which aren't really stunts but allow me to call them that.

let's start thinking about what i'm going to do in the holidays now. ok, random.

feel like sharing a quote here, which i've recently adopted as my fb nick as well:

"Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back."
- Arthur Rubinstein