i really hope i'm not too late to salvage this mess.

i think i've come to terms with myself, finally.

it's been said to death that crying over spilt milk doesn't help. but you can't know how hard it is to hold back your imminent tears till you reach the brink of release of it yourself.

i think it's suffice to say that i've got my own (rightful) just desserts in terms of my results. however sad or devastated i may be, everything is fixed already and that's that. life goes on regardless of whether you're living in heaven or hell.

results can be improved, i am sure of this a 100%. i'm just really concerned about whether i can get that h3 that i've wanted since maybe mid-year. looking at my results chances are hardly (or shall i say not at all) optimistic.
assuming things stay the way they are (ie my parents have no sudden huge arguments), i'm probably sticking with this one choice. if i don't get it, i'll just be sad and move on from there. i'm not bothering to even try for something that i have no interest in, simply because i see no point. heck the scholarships and prestige and whatnot.
hmm, i just realised that there was this something that yitian mentioned awhile back that made alot of sense really. it was in the context of music, but still applicable. she said that i'm devoted to the things i like, and once i like something the liking's going to last for really long. it was said half-jokingly actually but you know how some things just dawn upon you and you realise, this is way accurate.
i love the way how some people can come up with lines like that. seriously awesome.

i've recently got into the habit/addiction (if you could call it) of buying books! i couldn't believe it myself but yes. reminds me how i barely read 10 books in my childhood days. i was super picky, even enid blyton (pardon if there's a typo, i can't remember) didn't appeal to me much. all i wanted to read was about dinosaurs, animals, that kind of stuff. weird me aside, but the point was that i read pretty little when i was young. and just this year i've got myself close to 10 new books..if i were to do a quick classification of them, well first thing is that they are ALL non fiction. next is that quite a few are on self improvement (gasp if you want, i'm used to those reactions heh), and the rest are on really interesting stuff which i shall keep mystery ha. if you really want to know you can always ask me personally.
i think the main reason why books are getting to me all of a sudden this year is that i've gained (somehow or other) the emotional and maybe intellectual maturity to comprehend and appreciate these finer things in life. it's true that books are limited, become outdated eventually and whatnot, but it's also true that books can teach/tell you so much that you would otherwise not have known.

managed to get down to slightly more substantial chinese mugging today. not an achievement yet, but it's something. i remember saying over a certain lunch that chinese is interesting, but studying it the way institutions make it to be sucks. i think learning should never be confined to such a fixed template/format where possible. it restricts real uninhibited learning at its core.

actually, i've got alot of things i want to change in this world. maybe it's my idealist personality, who knows, but i'm finding that this world has alot that can be changed for the better. just the other day i was saying how alarm clocks need to be reinvented because there are many people (like me) who can be awoken by the alarm, slam it shut and then go back to sleep again. and i came up with good but sadly pretty unfeasible methods of reinvention. this is just one example but there are many more things that i could possibly change if only i could place myself in the right tracks with the right contacts/people/authority to do so.
isn't life about making a difference, or your own little contribution in your own little way? this is probably it.

now you must be wondering why i'm finding/having time to blog when i lament about having only 2 weeks (alittle less than that actually) to study. all i can say is that blogging the way i do soothes my mind and spirit, however ridiculous, iffy or laughable that may sound to you.

i'm so glad that npcc will be resuming next week. among other things, it has sustained the little pleasures and satisfactions in jc life thus far, and will continue to do so for as long as i remain with the unit.

enough has been said. and to counteract the ill lingering aftereffects of reading my previous depressing post:

i feel much better now.

you know how hard it is to forgive yourself for an idiotic mistake that you made.

ok don't mind me, i just feel really horrible now.

promo results will be out in 2 days time.

what's done is done and what's not done is just us knowing what we really got.
no real rationale for worrying actually, since everything is already fixed, but nevertheless we all still worry. funny.
this will probably be a major milestone (positive or otherwise) for my future. h3 or not, scholarship or not (ok i'm not that fussed up about this), it all depends on this. argh why does everything have to hinge on one sole exam. it's such a do-or-die reality of life.
i'm not sure which is better, getting a score sheet all at once or getting back the papers one by one. either way, a heart attack just seems inevitable. i'd most likely beat myself for screwing up almost anything, since i know i totally spent hours doing nothing constructive in the weeks leading up to promos.

i'm not sure what i can hope for. i remember telling kejia this excellent (on hindsight) balloon analogy. let's say that hope is the air in the balloon and the balloon is you. if you pump in too much hope within yourself you become extremely vulnerable to bursts. and trust me, a super inflated balloon hurts/pops the worst of all when burst. similarly, 希望越大，失望也越大。and i've got quite sick of trying to make myself believe some things and then getting back nothing much but disappointment.
but, what will come will come, and we just have to take whatever we've thrown at life and whatever's being thrown back at us in our stride.

which also reminds me that i've got 2 more things upcoming that i should not screw up either. OP, chinese Os. i regret to say that i've still not started on chinese revision (like what the hell i'm just stupid for not doing so right), but there've been alot of things popping up that demanded or rather totally stole my attention away from chinese. and there're many things left to do for OP, I&R, GPF and whatnot. add that to the fact that npcc's due to resume anytime soon, and things are just bad. ok i realise i'm always talking how things are bad but i'm not doing anything to salvage the situation (and it's not like i am clueless about how to go about doing that either!).

it's 2 more weeks of work, then i can finally direct my attention to other things in life. they've been so neglected as well, i seriously don't know what i've been doing with my life this whole year. how did i even manage to keep sane? just somehow, i guess. some questions in life do not have to be answered, really. trying to find the answer to it only pains you and doesn't ever bear fruit.

we'll have to move on sooner or later.

a blog is a nice place to express some of the thoughts that you've always wanted to in reality (i don't mean this is a make believe world, but oh well my vocabulary's limited), but couldn't for one reason or another.

yesterday and today was lots of PW. oh, make that lots of PW plus randoming admist PW. at yitian's house. i realise that the easiest/clearest way to truly know someone is to see how he/she lives out his/her life. from the way they organise their things to their day to day routine schedules, it says so much more than what they could possibly tell you verbally. really proving the phrase "action speaks louder than words". and i think it's cool that every encounter can bring about a refreshed look at someone. it's one of the many things that one can look forward to in life, admist the hustle and bustle of it. neglecting to appreciate these minute but infinitely finer things in life would be a real bummer.
i enjoyed the randoming sessions (which sounds random in itself to say it), listening to yitian's music collection and youtubing for random MVs and then singing it like some kbox session haha. maybe sometimes you just have to look hard for things to be happy about in your life.

the sessions were really good in improving my OP too, i must say. well i've got alot of comments and points for improvements, and for that i really thank my pw group. i can scarcely be considered "good" already though, there's alot more work to be done. but knowing what you don't know is a start, yes it is.

and i really only started revising for chinese today. i have to say that i really, really only understood bao zhang du hou gan format today. like seriously. makes you wonder how i survived sec3/4 chinese as well as Os, but oh well.
the lack of drive to study reminded me strongly of this thing called 慢性自杀。i put it in chinese since i came up with no appropriate translation for it. but anyway, the analogy is that i'm putting myself on a road to screwing up for the second year running. one would think that failing once would spur you to correct the mistake, but as counterintuitive as it may be, that's not the case for me right now. it's almost like you've got addicted to screwing up so much that you become desensitised, become indifferent to whatever happens, good or bad. this is a bad thing of course, and if i were to add, extremely eccentric too. i won't go into what i postulate might happen to me in time to come though, things will show themselves eventually and what's more i'm no prophet.

so far, the 21 irrefutable laws of leadership has been an awesome read, and i'm 100% confident it will continue to be so. i can already picture applying many of these things back in my unit, which will really be the true awesomeness in action. it's a pity training only resumes next week (i think).
ah, i just got reminded of the fact that there'll be no new blood (as in CIs) coming in next year for our unit. i guess i felt a little devastated, partly by the fact that no one felt it a worthy cause to pursue (depsite what obstacles there may be), and also that it will mean a somewhat lonely burden to carry on my shoulders for yet another year. it does sort of dampen one's spirits, to know that there'll be no one to pass the torch on to next year, but looking at it in another light, it but reinforces the belief that we are in serious (and with good cause) need for change to come to rinpcc. sometimes a belief is all you need to take you through the toughest and most trying times, isn't it.

alright it's time to look at OP script again. feels almost like WR season haha. oh well, another time..

read a couple of random thoughts somewhere.

do you listen to sad music because you are miserable? or are you miserable because you listen to sad music?

they say painful experiences make you stronger. do they really? or they just bring on the pain all the more when it gets stirred, plunging the knife deeper and deeper inch by inch into your heart as if your heart is of limitless depth, and thus feeling limitless pain.

i don't have the (accurate) answers to either, it's up to us to figure out for ourselves with what life experience or intuition or reasoning that we've got.
but sometimes, maybe thinking about things don't really help. like mr koh says, let it go.

enough with the philosophy i suppose.

i think i really ought to dedicate a post of sorts to chinese lessons. for quite some time zhang laoshi has been telling us how our class seems so hopeless compared to this year's sec4 batch. disheartening news it is, but can we really deny facts as they are laid out bare in front of our eyes? some may wonder why we're re-taking chinese all over again but hardly seem interested/serious about it. how pointless and foolish can people get?

i think it's the escape syndrome all over again. we're always trying to escape from what we can't stand, what we're not pleased with, what we refuse to accept. and it just evolves into a vicious cycle that swallows you into an abyss of darkness and void. it gets even more puzzling that i can say all this but yet i'm not doing anything about it myself. it's almost as if you know you're going to die right now if you don't do anything, but still you don't do anything. note that it's not "cannot do", it's "don't do" or put simply, don't want to do. which is really sad actually, we're essentially ditching ourselves to fate and like it or not, it often leads us to nothing but a road of degeneration. it's one of the most fatal flaws of humans today, no amount of technology and advancement can possibly make up for this weakness unless we put in every ounce of determination we have and make it work out.

life is damn real tough people, and you better believe it.

but that does not mean that we should surrender ourselves to a life of despair or a life of adversity. if phoenixes can be born from a crow's nest then what's stopping anything from happening? i believe (or rather hope it is indeed true) that the secret is to listen to your heart. i'd like to believe that your heart is right more often than your mind is. you know emotions are such a powerful thing. they can push you to levels of determination that you never knew you had. they can let you cross buondaries that would have otherwise been impossible. conversely, they can easily take the life out of you, and give you emotional hell for all its worth. sometimes it's like money, recalling a quote from a drama here; if you put it on a pedestal it will torture you like the devil. now isn't that what happens to all of us at some point in our lives. but one's heart is really important in letting you live (and by this i don't mean merely biologically), and in giving you a true life. why, i can't imagine living a life devoid of emotion. even emotional suffering gives you the sense of living life, and having experienced it myself i know that this is true, no matter how ridiculous this may sound.

back to the topic of chinese (since i kind of aimlessly digressed ahh), this is already the second chance to make things work, so i can't screw it up. there aren't many times in life that you actually get a second chance, so when it does come by we'd better grasp onto it tight and not let go. if things go awry another time, i don't know to beat myself up or just lament that my fate is as such. for now, i will work hard on doing/reading/experiencing chinese (anything at all, even if not hardcore mugging) until Os come. if this approach doesn't work i don't know what will.

A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

this is so true. and it's also true that they rarely share their deepest concerns, fears, and dreams with others.

lots of food for thought in this post so i guess it'll stop here. have fun contemplating...if you can.

i really am tired.
physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it.
it's been like this ever since last year. though i must say, it certainly got worse when this year came along.
time never stops to wait for you to take a breather. no, it doesn't. if you are slow it will leave you in the dust. sounds cruel, but that's the way the world works. if you don't advance you simply deteriorate. and in a similar fashion, so does life.

all this talk does make me wonder what people would do if they knew that they only had a limited amount of time left in this world. what would they have been proud of? what would they have regretted? what would they risk all odds just to do before they leave this world? and what would they give up everything else for? regrets are probably the one thing that are most significant to people, if anything at the very end. yet we hardly do anything to stop them from happening until they happen. silly beings, aren't we.

grasping all the things we treasure in our lives is by no means an easy feat either though. some of these just can't wait to travel beyond your reach, and some of these you never seem to be able to hold onto them for long, even though you may want it so much with all your heart and might.
but whatever the case may be, it shouldn't stop us from striving for them. not ever. if you stop trying then there goes any chance of success. but if you try, fail, stand up and try again, the glimmer of hope is there to stay for awhile yet.

hmm and i'm actually schizophrenic (for lack of a better expresion at the moment) enough to start wondering whether i'm saying all this just to comfort myself. i realise that we humans do that more often than we atually think. in fact we hardly ever do stop to think about what we're doing. in the end everything becomes so autonomous, so meaningless, such a big void in ourselves that we're not aware of, or perhaps aware of but stubbornly unwilling to admit its existence.

at any rate, there are definitely some things in my life that i want to do really, really badly. i wouldn't mind mentoring them forever, the multitude of things that i can impart to them is limitless. and interaction with them is really fun and awesome too, despite the fact that some of them are abit rebellious and whatnot...and of course my friends, i think i'm really dependent on strong friendships to survive. makes me sound like some parasite but yes if that describes the relation accurately then so be it. close friends do mean that much to me.

OP practice (or rather just script reading) was insightful. at least i know that i tend to talk with really random and awkward pauses everywhere. it's a problem but not one that can't be solved. and i tend to speak faster then i can think, which complicates matters as i will just screwup my speech and confidence when i run out of things to say. oh and one tip, never ever memorise your speech. just know what you want to say. at least for me it should be that way, because if i forget my memorised lines on stage i just die. this will really go toward improving my performance in npcc too i suppose, so what's not to like?
oh and npcc shall resume in a couple weeks, it's time to get in gear. there's going to be some real serious work to be done.

my new blog music/video is really getting to me. anyway let me show some support for my show The Legend! a must-watch.

O水准会考即将来临，所以想借机会用多点华语，哈哈。希望大家不要介意 =）

这世界还真有趣。有时某个人说的话会呆在你的脑海里好久好久，可是你却不晓得为何这是如此。说酷能酷，说怪能怪。可是我想就是有些东西对你特别有意义，而你便会下意识的把它牢牢地锁在你的思想里。

这年的无数经验让我明白，世上的全部事情，没有一件是容易的。就看看我的华文会考吧，掉以轻心，没有竭尽所能的后果就是重考的悲哀下场（好可能我描得太夸张了点）。人生就是这样，永远充满着后悔，无奈。但我们也都不想沦落如此遭遇的呀。只能说，早知今日何必当初。

我看我也渐渐了解到对某东西拥有热诚是什么样的感觉了。简简单单，就只是一个单纯的意念，想全力以赴，真的就是那么简单。这种感觉对我可说是太熟悉了。然而有多少次，我们却因为太在意周围的人的看法，而不敢大胆豪爽的去做。但有这个必要吗？人类都有那么一份愚蠢，不理智的思考方式。因他人而犹豫，害怕，不敢做出真诚的决定。要跟着心走，还真不容易。当然，我自己也难逃此“劫”。很多时候不是不在乎而是太在乎了，导致许多错误被犯下。最少，引用一句：重要的不在于成果，而在于过程。有了过程，什么都不重要了。

昨天的一些事件也让我想到人们选择生活的方式。终日戴着一幅面具，还是真真实实做会自己？社会所给我们的压迫感是多么的大。我唯一的疑问是这些人长年累月下来，难道不会疲倦吗？这样的生活依我而言，是没什么好留恋或向往的。只有做自己，才能得到真正的快乐，幸福。

今天就到这儿为止吧，该是做PW的时候了。。。
但，别忘了歌词！哈哈。



专属天使 花样少年少女插曲


我不会怪你 对我的伪装
天使在人间 是该藏好翅膀
人们愚蠢鲁莽 而你纤细善良
怎能让你 为了我被碰伤

小小的手掌 厚厚的温暖.
你总能平复 我不安的夜晚
不敢想的梦想 透过你的眼光
我才看见 它原来在前方

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
我有一个专属天使
我哪裏还需要别的愿望

小小的手掌 大大的力量.
我一定也会 象你一样飞翔
最想去的地方 就是我的方向
有我保护 笑容尽管灿烂

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
我有一个专属天使
我哪裏还需要别的愿望

要不是你出现
我一定还在沉睡
绝望的以为
生命只有黑夜

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
我有一个专属天使
我哪裏还需要别的愿望

i've delayed this post so long i almost feel guilty. fine it's not even something alive or animate yet i'm feeling guilt towards it, but whatever, moving on.

will be cutting short alot of things since lack of time and even a lack of energy is stopping me from churning out grandfather stories..

promos are finally over for one. by all rights a giant sigh of relief should follow, but somehow life no longer gives you that jerk of happiness after surviving exams. more things have come into your life that demand more attention and focus, and these are the things that unforuntately (or otherwise) keep you occupied to the max even after promos.
what i can say for promos is that, i definitely didn't do my best. so much time was blatantly wasted away in front of me and i let it happen. if i screw up, i really only have myself to blame (though i can totally foresee myself shifting the blame to other things). why, the papers are coming back tomorrow already, how soon. just hope that i pull through, and then maybe i could take a h3.
am really thinking seriously about taking econs h3 game theory at smu, it's the only h3 that i actually get excited (even if just a little) about when i look at it and read the introduction. but life may not direct me towards that path, so i'll see how it goes from here.

right now, my life is really going to be PW OP, chinese O levels and NPCC. OP and Os both come in exactly a month's time (do they have to clash pfft). OP isn't something to belittle and i really want to take this chance to improve my speaking skills. i definitely need the improvement.
as for Os, it's already my second shot at it and if i screwup again i don't know what to say. even so, it's not exactly an easy feat, what with not touching chinese almost entirely for the most part of this year. any chance at all comes with hard work, surely. reminder to myself to work hard and not repeat my mistake i guess.
npcc is something that i've been fretting over for quite awhile now. unit and cadet problems aside, it's not exactly helping that we're facing some unhappiness and obstruction to our plans. i've got so much to give, so much to try out, so much to just put into place and let things run correctly for once, but i have no idea how many of them will actually materialise in the end. it's alot of adversity to overcome; i don't think i can survive, or could have survived, thus far without the passion within me for the cca and for the cadets.

meanwhile, there are other things that i want to do besides those compelling things from school. the list includes reading books, taking time out to hang out with friends who i care about, and even just spending time to reflect on my own life so far(i'm not joking about this fyi). i've realised that there're way too many things you want to do in this world but can't do due to the little eccentric thing called time.
oh and, i recommend "the compass" by tammy kling. if you like philosophical stuff and like to think deeply about life and the like, this book is for you. read it! it's been such an inspiration to me personally.
and i got myself "the 21 irrefutable laws of leadership" by john maxwell recently too. nevermind comments that leadership can't be learned through theory or books, we'll see how it goes. things are always worth a try isn't it?

i think after almost an entire year of jc life, i can quite appropriately say that it's been a rough tumble, but nevertheless it's been so enriching where life is concerned. don't worry i shall launch into some essay about it at like the end of the year where i like to do a customary post rounding up the year's events.

i've sort of got back into including song lyrics at the end of each post, so..=)

女:宇宙洪荒那时候
第一句爱是谁说出口
当时的他 如何形容
对方 听懂不懂
男:开天辟地了以后
第一对恋人什么结果
洞穴湖泊 日升月落
他们 爱了多久
男:如果我们那时就相遇
会不会爱得比较放心
合:也许分离 还没被发明
来折磨爱情
男:一千次轮回都不错过
女:一万里相随都不放手
合:在每个尽头 再约好碰头
再睁开眼 就认出你我
女:一千次轮回足不足够
男:一万里漂泊又算什么
合:这人海辽阔 爱总被磋跎
总该 留一篇传说
女:宇宙洪荒那时候
第一句爱是谁说出口
当时的他 如何形容
对方 听懂不懂
男:开天辟地了以后
第一对恋人什么结果
洞穴湖泊 日升月落
他们 爱了多久
男:如果我们那时就相遇
会不会爱得比较放心
合:也许分离 还没被发明
来折磨爱情
男:一千次轮回都不错过
女:一万里相随都不放手
合:在每个尽头 再约好碰头
再睁开眼 就认出你我
女:一千次轮回足不足够
男:一万里漂泊又算什么
合:这人海辽阔 爱总被磋跎
总该 留一篇传说
合:我会尽我全力
抵抗世间的情戏
无情地爱你 wo~
男:一千次轮回都不错过
女:一万里相随都不放手
合:在每个尽头 再约好碰头
再睁开眼 就认出你我
女:一千次轮回足不足够
男:一万里漂泊又算什么
合:这人海辽阔 爱总被磋跎
总该 留一篇传说
女:还好我有你
男:幸好你有我
合:一起写一篇传说