it's been another hectic moment with pw.
settling all the details has never been easy.
just arranging dates for meetings and delegating work can take all the mood out of me.
nothing about my group members here, it's just something about pw. sometimes i feel so pressurised to be the group leader that i want to be but can never be. hmph. and i don't seem to fully understand our project either. i have no idea how to do footnotes, how to do biblio, how to deploy pictures and graphs properly, how to even present certain content. some of my friends talk about feeling stupid in pw, i guess this must be one of those times. the pressure builds up every day, and it has the slightest feeling of suffocation due to the pressure (no pun intended) to do well.

but for what life's worth thus far (or rather today), The Tipping Point by malcolm gladwell has been an excellent read. it's been a long time since i sat down to read a book all the way from start to end in a day, and that really speaks volumes about how much i treasure the trove of content i find stashed deep within those pages. Outliers is next, but i doubt i'd have the time to read it, given the work that i should have been doing but have been putting off all this while. since i'm at this let me summarise the book's message for you.

if we want to change something, all we have to do is to give it a little push in the right direction. and you get the tipping point that changes everything.

i seem to take an interest in psychology already.

couldn't find the time to document the ubin STC held a few weeks back (though photos are up on fb already). chronological update is too tedious now (dumbest of excuses i know), so i'll just give a summary of the experience.

one thing was really about getting to know the other area CIs. i think it suffices to say that we really shouldn't underestimate those coming from other institutions of study simply because they sound inferior. it really proved my point when the other CIs came across as so seasoned and collected and experienced, and i was totally left in awe and amazement at how they do things in a way that was far more effective than i had ever thought or could imagine. and of course, a whole lot of them are nice people too!
it was also the first time i got to take charge of cadets from other units than my own. a slightly different experience, owing mostly due to the fact that i didn't know them and neither did they me, but it seems that all cadets are the same. in that they need motivation and the right incentives to do well.
all in all, STC was a lesson in life well taught.

yesterday was teacher's day celebrations. was really glad to have been able to give out my 3 cards to mr koh, mrs lim and mr tan. even though i've read so many times that it's always better to give than to take, in the end you really have to experience it for yourself to truly know what it means. and i got to do just that yesterday when i gave each of them my cards + gift of bookmarks and pens (all quite modest but it's the thought that counts isn't it). the feeling of joy from just seeing the smile on their faces is something that well, again can only be truly understood if you experience it for yourself.

33 days to promos. i've said this for the umpteenth time i think but i really hope i can buck up and get my attitude right soon enough. i need to find something to sustain my motivation, and fast. been thinking about it and it does seem that studying alone is the way to go, for me at least.

and for one, i'm really glad that i'm still finding energy (and substance) to keep this place up and alive. i guess one of the main reasons is so that in time to come, i can look back and see that my life didn't just go by in a flurry of activities and woahlah. rather, there were some good moments, bad moments, but come what may i've learnt and grown through all of them, maybe even become a better person. a rather haughty thing to say i think, but i can't stop people from thinking what they want to think now can i.

i'll do whatever i can, and then i'll have no regrets at the end. even if it all came to nought.

with that, i think it's time to return to long-due wr, eom and whatnot.

little things can make a big difference.

there're some experiences in life that words just can't describe.
PW is one of them.
i think anyone who claims that PW is merely about non-textbook yet still academic stuff and getting an A at the end of the day is seriously mistaken.
to put it simply, it's about life.

the talk today with some of the classmates (shall withhold their identity here) really got me to think what PW was about. i got to hear some of their deepest thoughts and it is something that i've always wanted to hear from people rather than mere small talk and miscellaneous chitchat. you know, life is tough and people do find it difficult to cope every now and then. even for me, life hasn't been smooth sailing at all. especially not when this year came around.
even though half the world (or more) will disagree with me here, but PW is one of the best things that has happened to the A level cirriculum. you're not going to get an experience like that through any other subject or means, or even cca, enrichment programmes.

it's not easy being the group leader. you're always worrying about what's going to happen, whether it'd all turn out well. managing group dynamics, different working styles, relationship issues and of course the actual work itself is one heck of a task. you got to put down certain demands for the group, even if they hate you for it, because you know it's for their good. and when everyone else is despairing or panicking, you have to take charge, appear ever so calm and confident in your outlook and put things right. i'm sure kenneth would agree with me here that it's, as cliche as it may be, something that a textbook could never ever teach you. and really, isn't that the beauty of life itself, to teach you those valuable life lessons.

i feel like i can be a counsellor haha.

can finally catch a small little breather for now, what with a 4 day weekend ahead (but we all know weekends never turn out as free as they sound) and the completion of a few tests and even pw eom. but it's not going to stop, with more work next week, econs test and of course promos which loom just ahead. i'm so scared i'll flunk them since i've never done my tutorials for virtually all the subjects. makes you wonder what you've been doing all this while.

ok i think this post will seem convoluted to some, partly because it's difficult to organise such emotion-saturated thoughts and also because i'm feeling the concentration of my brain slipping away from me. i do need to get back and write my teacher's day cards before i fall asleep and chide myself for letting that happen, so i guess i'd stop here.

argh, its 1am now and i don't really feel like doing work (which is bad but whatever), so a quick update.

today had chinese prelims (yes taking the sec4 paper) and physics a level SPA. chinese was manageable/good surprisingly, considering the fact that i didn't even study for it. realised how stuck i was at bao zhang du hou gan and analysing of the question requirements gah. sometimes i wonder if its just me (since no one else seems to be suffering from the same problem ever), like if i'm overanalysing things and digging a hole for myself. physics SPA was alright though, got a really nice graph! =D almost ran out of time though, got a little panicky after a teeny confusion over the axes placement. all in all, one word: phew.

oh but i do like the comprehension passages. themes like actively injecting meaning and fulfillment into your life and doing something that you enjoy are all things that i actually like to hold close to my heart. ok i can tell that 90% of people will just go >.> at this, but who cares.

and i saw mr tan weng seng today! man he looks the same as last year. reminds me, he's one of the few role models that i've had, in addition to hao jun, neville (nah), and mr koh. yup, just a random comment here.

and tomorrow is x stigma round 2 judging. frankly, it totally feels as if we're doing this 100% last minute and we're just going to rush into it tomorrow half prepared. but it's abit too late to make changes now, we just have to hope for the best.
this is why i never fancy doing things last minute. but i always end up doing that myself anyway, especially for my academic work. contradictory huh.
and this is pure saigang week. basically i was saigang warrior for x stigma. did printing putting up of posters cutting pasting walking around taking cab shopping for logistics you name it. I HATE SAIGANG. ok enough ranting. but we better win...

yea and i finally got The Tipping Point today at popular! so now i have that, Blink and The Story of Success, all by malcolm gladwell =) excellent reading material, but i won't really openly recommend it to people here since people have different tastes and i can't really predict who shares similar taste in books as me. oh and i got 3 teacher's day cards there too haha (shall only reveal the recipients' identities at a later date). thanks nigel for the popular card discount for my book plus the cards! =D

nigel asks how i managed to get A for physics CT when i never do my tutorials. which is something that i marvel at sometimes myself, physics being one of my weakest subjects (in my opinion anyway). and it then dawned on me that i've never done ANY tutorial (pretty much) for the entire year. which is a really scary realisation actually, that you've been wasting away your time on god knows what silly things that life has to tempt you with.

project work has got a bit better for me, especially with WR. action plan seems crystal clear (significantly as compared to before). its almost as if i was wandering all this while for PW, until now. loss of direction is such a terrible feeling. ah and, some personal questioning has got me closer to properly understanding the EOM requirements. just hope it goes well and my draft is of quality! if not, ah, i'm screwed? =/

i've been really quite concerned about cca recently. not sure how things are going to turn out, not sure if the mantle of leadership will be passed on sensibly to the right people, and not sure if the entire unit as a whole is going up or going down in time to come. only time will tell, but right now, i cannot help but worry.

promos draw ever so nearer. my h3 and possible scholarships depend on it. ok that was so pragmatic, but it's the truth. wait why am i going so far. wait till i survive the 3 class tests next week huh. by the way, i've not even started studying for any of them. it gets worse when i tell you that i don't even half understand all the recent topics.

haha but, i just have to tell myself that it'd all be alright, grit my teeth (if necessary) and move on.

nice quote here to share and end off my post =)

"we must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." - martin luther king

my time management totally fails.
1.5 months till promos. that sucks..

and i'm not actually including anything substantial recently simply because, after all that time wasting elsewhere, i can't afford to put more here. i guess i won't be finding the time to anytime soon either.

but this blog is still getting so many hits. when i want it to be popular it isn't, and when i don't want it to be it suddenly is so shockingly popular. some weird reverse psychology thing.

ok whatever. back to WR.

many things have happened recently.
and i have got no time to track them all.

i'm not sure why, but so many unpleasant things are happening to me all at once. life has that uncanny ability to pile everything on you at once, and that experience isn't pretty. i don't know what i can expect from my life in the months to come.
i didn't intend for this post to be like that, but tonight had to happen.

i really wonder how other people are able to be so happy all the time.
or is it just another facade, like what i've come to put up half the time when i'm around people.

i'm sorry to say this but, i really can't take this anymore. how am i going to get out of this rut. that question has no answer yet.

i have to agree with what yiwei says.
life sucks.

ok, i'm seriously out of time.

this shall just be like to update people of how dead i am.

npcc camp at ubin from friday to sunday. things to do before the camp:
-read proposals (seeing for the first time) and hopefully revise debriefing skills etc...
-pack my bag
-x stigma 2nd round stuff
-mug for chem SPA (which is on monday ZOMG)

does not seem humanely possible unless i spend a night sleepless. which is really bad (and something that i'm not going to do)

and when i get back (this is restricted to week 8 mind):
-MAJOR SLEEP (since ubin camps tend to make you super shag. meaning sunday is gone more or less. bye bye chem spa. gg)
-PW/ASL
-more x stigma stuff
-physics class test on tuesday (have not studied yet, and frankly does it look like i have the time to?)
-GP essay
-all other homework + CCA

ok so i have no idea when i'll be able to get back to this place. hope that i don't collapse halfway huh. i'm too young for that...

sometimes when you get upset by really big things, you need the really small things in life to cheer you up.

ok i know this isn't the most informed update or anything, but 太王四神记 is showing on tv once again! channel 8, sundays 1pm-3pm. (not that my sis doesn't have the dvd though but whatever) i know it may be corny or cliche or all that but still, if i can derive some enjoyment from watching it then what's not to like! plus, the person playing the character xiuzhini in the show totally rocks. just like sohee from WG, albeit in a different way i guess. omg and i just went to google and i found her name: Lee Ji-ah. In chinese its 李智雅. even the name looks awesome, its like combination of wit and grace. wicked. i like her getup in the show, especially the longhair one. damnnnn awesome.

ok DID I JUST START FANBOYING. stop. (at least publicly XD)
point is, it's an awesome show so what are you waiting for? guys have lee ji-ah and the girls have bae yong jun. both genders are happy no?

npcc has really gotten alot busier. out of school venture's just kickstarted and the committee's gonna get into a whole load of intensive planning over the next few weeks. i'm not sure how i will be able to fork out enough time to be a good supervisor and contributor as the weeks go by frankly. there're just so many things to do...

and i realise that being a leader is one thing, and training others to be leaders is a totally different story. but i stand by what i say, that passion and sincere interest is what will take you the furthest in whatever you do. coupled with the little book on leadership that i got myself weeks ago, it should do nicely =)

i think i'm beginning to get the hang of what a CI should do. like what joseph said, we are in charge of leadership and nco training. ncos are the ones who train cadets (for the most part anyway). because technically once you've got the ncos right the cadets' standards should follow. of course, in reality nothing ever goes 100% according to plan, but as a general guideline they still hold don't they? it's one of the most fulfilling things one can do i think, grooming others to become true blue leaders (not that i'm one myself now but oh well i'm working towards that!) and teach them how to, quoting the book, ratify their positions in the people's hearts and minds. what a flowery phrase haha. but i suppose it achieves the linguistic impact on the reader and that's the whole point huh.

i know i sounded (and was) super pissed off at the sec4s for their little stunt on friday. but then, there isn't any point getting angry over them. if i should be doing anything at all it should be focusing my efforts (and even transforming my anger) into the initiative that the sec3s will be taking on. and i really hope to see more individuals shine through with their personalities. those few that have already shown me that you are ready, push on further and you will go on to do great things, i'm sure of it =)
all part of leadership training. it's never just about leadership, i always like to lump it with teaching them how to be a person. maybe it's just me, but i think that aspect is so important for anyone and everyone.

totally spent close to 3 hours searching for and listening to music (mainly by westlife) yesterday. i'm a real bum, wasting my saturday like that at home. and people will definitely call that no-life or whatever. but the songs are nice so that should be what matters! the right music fills you up no matter how empty you are, even if just momentarily.

it's weird to say this, but i'm actually growing a fair addiction to feeling the kind of emptiness and "pain", shall we call it (for lack of a better word to express it), in me. and emo music naturally does the job of surfacing those emotions well. it sounds almost stupid, but really, i've grown accustomed and familiar, even welcoming, to those feelings. all part of the growing up process, i would reckon? but i'm wrong alot of times so ah well. making mistakes isn't all that bad for a change either. get it wrong quick and you won't get it wrong anymore in future (when presumably the consequences of making wrong decisions are way greater).

i realise that i've got in quite a few posts in the last couple days. i think i shall stop restricting the kind of thing that i want to put up here (meaning emotional stuff only, or just random daily excitements and the like). let this place be as close to the real me as it can get, or as i allow it to be. there are definitely considerations to be mindful of, but then again it shouldn't stop the place from being natural.
such a long post again...when i start sometimes i can't stop. like i just added on a couple paragraphs since i just thought of it. makes me recall a nice quote that i wanna share here (some words changed as i have poor memory and cannot recall it word for word):
"life is like driving a car. people are eager to stop you when you have not started, but once you start no one will dare to get in your way."
and just a really random comment here, my lingustic ability today in this post seems to have gone up a notch. but it will probably dip back down in the next post anyway. =/

won't talk more, its 5minutes to 2am. will get to bed before attempting to mug as much as i can (admist the countless distractions) tomorrow, and may my determiniation persevere.

another song to end it off again! do enjoy =)


If I Let You Go - Westlife


Day after day
Time passed away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before

And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

[chorus]
But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me? (oh yeah)
How will I know
if I let you go?

Night after night I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

[chorus]
But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me? (oh yeah)
How will I know
if I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby
Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
Ooooooooohhhhh

[chorus]
But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
(close to me)
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
(oh yeah)
How will I know
(if I let you go?)
But if I let you go I will never know
(oh baby)
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
(oh yeah)
How will I know
if I let you go ?

why are people the way they are.
had npcc filming yesterday.
and i really regret to say that the pon rate was extremely high.
i mean, what the hell is wrong with the sec 4s?
if you don't intend to come at all, SAY SO. and don't make those who did come possibly waste their time and effort.
is there even any point in punishing them for it?
what has 4 years of npcc taught them? to pon whatever that is remotely ponnable? what happened to all that they said in interviews about giving their all for the unit, and doing whatever the unit requires of them?
complete crap.
so much for ranks. can't believe the kind of staff sergeants that we're having this year. some of them don't deserve it at all. really, i'd rather a rankless cadet who is committed to the unit and is serious about contributing than a staff sergeant who doesn't give a damn about the unit and is just showing up because he has to, for attendance, to avoid getting into trouble with the teachers, cca points or whatnot.

i feel like i've been made a fool of. thinking that it was possible to change the mindsets of otherwise lousy cadets. thinking that you know, some of them just haven't seen the point of npcc and all you gotta do is just to show them that. but it turns out some of them are just plain irresponsible and unappreciative ingrates, with totally disgusting character.
and society just has to have tons of these people. why's the world so screwed up, someone please tell me.

it really doesn't help that i haven't started to realise how close we are to promos. why, o level prelims (we're taking it like the sec4s for practice) are just 2 weeks away. throw in chem spa, phy spa, phy class test, econs test and the next few weeks will just be hell. i have not even talked about the time that goes to homework, sleep, and cca (which just got a whole lot busier with the starting of my initiative), and the other random things in my life that will just drop down and come along.

i don't feel like i can get 4 As for promos anymore. i just feel so helpless right now. its not that i don't want to do things, but sometimes its as if whatever i do will all go to waste eventually. and then what's the point of doing anything at all? maybe i'm just being stupid. i need to talk to people who're feeling similarly. that always makes me feel better, talking.

no wonder blogging about it helps.
so does listening to emo type music.

living the life you want is never easy.


"Every Little Thing You Do"

Hello, let me know if you hear me
Hello, if you want to be near
Let me know
And I'll never let you go

Hey love
When you ask what I feel, I say love
When you ask how I know
I say trust

And if that's not enough

It's every little thing you do
That makes me fall in love with you
There isn't a way that I can show you
Ever since I've come to know you
It's every little thing you say
That makes me wanna feel this
There's not a thing that I can point to
'Cause it's every little thing you do

Don't ask why
Let's just feel what we feel
'Cause sometimes
It's the secret that keeps it alive
But if you need a reason why

[Chorus]
Is it your smile or your laugh or your heart?
Does it really matter why I love you?
Anywhere there's a crowd, you stand out
Can't you see why they can't ignore you
If you wanna know
Why I can't let go
Let me explain to you
That every little dream comes true
With every little thing you do

It's everything, everything you do
That makes me fall in love with you
It's everything, everything you say
That makes me feel this way

it's been quite a hectic week.

for one, npcc training's resumed and fortunately, the h1n1 segregation between the secondary and jc side has finally been lifted too. which means that we're free to go back to training! yea.
it does feel abit rusty though. kinda lost my touch after being away from training for so long (almost 2 months?). well it'll come back soon enough i hope.
it really seemed like forever to reach the end of the year. but hey guess what it's already the end of term 3 week 6. like oh my god. and there are less than 10 trainings left till term 4 comes and then pretty much training will come to a halt for the most part. it's seriously damn little, considering what i wanted to do with/for the unit but have yet to materialise those goals. time is never on your side when you want it to most huh.

there's npcc drills video filming tomorrow. which will really burn up my friday holiday. grr add on the area 4 ATC meeting and literally my whole friday is up in smoke. argh. 10 to 10 omg. wicked sick. but well, really hope it turns out well. and hope the sec4s will be real committed and give us their best. they're the ones showing face in the video so it should motivate them sufficiently (even though i don't really want that to be their source of motivation since that's so superficial). last big thing they'll be able to do for the unit before they leave, they really ought to make it count.

and just yesterday, mr leong (our vp) called for an ex-UG people meeting, for the parade commander roster for this/next year. and i readily signed up! but to be very honest with myself, i've not got very much confidence in performing as a parade commander. one, i've not actually had experience with it before. two, probably my personal demons and stuff. you've got no idea how bad it is to screwup in front of the entire school population. lucky jerome's agreed to be my mentor, thanks man =)

it's an experience la. i suddenly remembered what mrs lim (principal) said during the assembly talk on wednesday. that we should always seek challenges for ourselves. and well, me signing up as parade commander is probably a prime example of that in real life. if we don't break out of our comfort zone we'll never learn and we'll never know what we can really do (or not). sometimes you just gotta push yourself out there and kill off the backout route, and force yourself head on to knock down those obstacles in your way. the theory of 破釜沉舟 does work at times you know.

i just realised that sometimes in life, we're so focused on achieving our goals that we lose sight of what we wanted to do them for. take for example, just wednesday i was taking some sec2s and teaching them drills. instantly i felt so unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the whole teaching process that i started acting strangely (or at least i felt i was). it was a result of being overly concerned with "looking good" and forgetting about the true aim: their welfare, to get them to get the drill right. when things like this happen we become so concentrated on some things that we forget the true meaning of what we're doing it all for. and that, i think, is the worst that could happen to anyone. to get lost in the process of doing and not know what you're doing it for. it just makes you seem so souless.

studying really just sucks now. i can never find good enough reason for myself to start flipping through my notes and start penning down answeres for my tutorials. i know these are just stupid excuses but they seem so justified. promos are really near already (about 2 months more), and CT-style mugging is plain suicide. argh i don't know what to do.

i need to find back those things that had once motivated me, and bring them back.

shall end with a song again =)


I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes - Lyrics


I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming,
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever,
When every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

(Chorus)
I don't wanna close my eyes,
I don't wanna fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing,
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream would never do,
I'd still miss you babe,
And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Lying close to you,
feeling your heart beating,
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you're seeing,
And then I kiss your eyes,
[I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes lyrics on http://www.elyricsworld.com]

And thank God we're together,
I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever,
Forever and ever.

(Chorus)

And I don't wanna miss one smile,
I don't wanna miss one kiss,
I just wanna be with you,
Right here with you, just like this,
Well I just wanna hold you close,
And feel your heart so close to mine,
And just stay here in this moment,
For all the rest of time
Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah

(Chorus repeated 2 times)

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing

it feels really strange.
i guess today was sort of a huge step for me (if you could call it a step).

well, i'm not exactly devastated or anything. in fact i might say that i saw this coming. there've been more than enough signs to signal that. have i just been shutting myself off to these signs? i think so.

whatever the case is, what's done is done, but the important thing is what my direction is going to be from now on. i think there's really not much point clinging on to these (almost certainly) impossible things. i've really got alot of other things to clear up in my life, and this one has bothered me long enough that i think it should stop, period. definitely, it's not that easy to just say forget it and you forget it. but, the resolution to is a start.
my only regret is that, most likely, this will be one of the things that i will regret in my jc time.

it really seemed possible. really. but i guess you can't always get what you want in life.

took a long walk myself around town today. maybe it's just me, but when you feel down just walking and mulling over stuff seems to help make you feel abit better. even if it seems totally counter intuitive. and the kind of calm and silence that you get just by being by yourself is unlike any other.
oh well, we'll see how things go from here.

my life seems really bad now huh. sigh. and i feel stupid, after what happened at pw today. i think i'm a super super micro person. if you give me the detailed step by step thing i can grasp easily. but you tell me some broad concept and expect me to apply it skillfully i'm afraid there'd be problems. hmm, something to note for myself in future life i suppose.

hmm, it's scary how many people actually read this stuff that i put here. ok, maybe they just screen through the posts till they find gossip material, but nevertheless i seem to be getting lots of hits unintentionally. i just checked and its 7.5k. a couple months back it was what, 6k+? if i recall right. wow. some hot site huh. for the wrong reasons though.

oh, and i got myself a new blog song! streamed from elsewhere so i saved on the trouble of uploading myself. and there's the nice lyrics shown too. heard this song at nebo cafe so many times that i fell in love with it. really nice.

all you need is music.