上一次答应过，要用华语来写博客，看吧，我有多守信用 =）

。。。还真难打字耶。汉语拼音，麻烦死了。

最近有某某人说我的博客内容太夸张，太“戏剧性”，写得难以读下去。对于这，我只有一个答复：我要怎么写我的博客，管你什么事？用不着你来告诉我怎么做。受不了这内容，请便离开。我写这些东西，也不是为了满足读者的兴趣；只不过是简简单单的要说说心事。根本就是我写下东西，就那么简单。不是特别写给某某读的。
我很不想和你撕破脸，可是在继续这样，你最终会令我忍无可忍。要知道，忍耐是有限度的。就算是似乎不发脾气的人也一样。

今天年中考试刚开始。经济学。考得真差。大部分是时间短缺的问题。不过只懂得怪时间不足也不是什么成熟的想法。没做够练习，只能怪自己。接下来多三个考试，请不要再重蹈覆辙了！（用了句成语，不赖嘛!就当作顺便为年底的o-level重考复习复习吧）

其实，我现在的心情很乱。不知这些零碎的小事件后面，是否真有含义。而且就算有，我是否作出了真确的判断和推论呢？我真的不想自欺欺人。我也承认，我对自己一点信心也没有。当然，这不等于放弃，毕竟都走得那么远一段路了，现在轻易放弃实在是对不起自己。不过，我真的很想，很想知道，你到底是怎么看我的？我又有没有一丝机会呢？这答案，是否该现在告诉我，坦白说我也不晓得。
只知道，我的心就是这样，不断的促使我向前，即使最后弄得自己遍体鲮鳞伤，我也不会后悔。

有时候，我真的希望这世界的一切能够变得清晰一些。最好是给我什么超能力，能看透人的思想，感触。显然这些都只是假设的，想来想去也没什么意义对吧。

考试前夕，我怎么还呆在这儿浪费时间？！该打。（真费力，只打了几小段华文就支持不住了）在此停笔（哈哈私涵耶），希望尽快回来！

npcc combined camp 2009!

ok, i owe my cadets (and npcc) a post, so here goes! =) (wait i know, killing my mugging time to do this but who cares?)

PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK!!! i spammed close to a 100 so enjoy =D

so. camp from monday to wednesday. (oops one hour just passed here cause i went to facebook and msn XD) yup so again since i have a lack of creativity, i shall be chronological..

hm, first thing i remember is that the camp got off to a little awkward start, what with the whole programme starting half an hour late due to the h1n1 flu situation and us having to take temperature and all that. and lots of people were late (grr) so it was inevitable.

sec1 and sec3 camp were held concurrently so, as i'm no ninja and cannot duplicate myself, i had to divide my time between the 2 camps. sad yes, but no choice. anyway, went for sec1 bag check, and BOY were they slow. like really really really sssssllllllooooooowwwwwwwww. and they got scolded/pushed quite badly. personally i thought it wasn't that nice to go down so hard on them right from the beginning...

sec3s had uniform inspection so i popped by. tsktsk...they still got alot to work on. nevermind they'll get it right eventually =) feel free to guess why, muahaha..

then it was sec3 lecture series. my forte i guess? =) since the slides were largely koped from what i did the previous time >.> and i had learnt alot more new things from CIBTC 08 i think it's only fair to say that i'd become alot better equipped to handle the lectures. and i told the sec3s alot more new information that wasn't said for the sec4 nco camp held in march nor the nco camps in previous years. most important takeaway: npcc (and even life seriously) is all about image + substance! image tells people who you are and what you are. but then, if deep down inside you have nothing (ie no substance) then you can't expect to keep up a positive and significant image for very long. on the other hand, if you do have substance but can't show it to others (ie project an image of you having substance) that doesn't bode too well either. if people don't know/can't see or tell what you can do, you really won't be going very far! yup, so that was my two cents' worth...and to think i had only just thought of the point halfway through the lecture! lucky.

another reason why i really enjoyed conducting/assisting the lecture was because it was an avenue that i could interact with the sec3s on a more informal note. other activities don't have that much of such a luxury. and it's good to see the sec3s opening up and being less stone than they used to in the past (or at least, that was the general, unanimous view). so in summary, great time!

lunch (for cadets) was next. nothing significant happened here, just that looking at them chowing down on maggi mee and canned food reminds me of the (not so good old) days where i was a cadet myself and was sitting in their places doing the stuff that i'm watching them do now. bittersweet memories man..

sec4s/CIs/teachers lunch was packed food from auntie azah! the masala chicken set was good, i haven't had it for sooo long ever since stepping into rj and out of ri (well, more or less). brings back those times when we were crazy young boys doing stupid things in the campus. =)

now this is where it starts to get a little screwed up. apparently sec1 tent pitching was supposed to last for 2hours.

in reality it lasted 4 and a half. zomg...don't ask me how it happened, because frankly i'm not sure how it even got so bad. overestimation of the sec1s' capabilities? or maybe they were just plain slow/uncooperative. even a combination of all these.

ok then in the middle i cut myself some slack since it was like proposal editing for sec3s + lagging from the sec1 side, so i got some free time in the sec4 ops control room =D yup, bridge, taiti, randoming and some more randoming pretty much sums up what i did in the freeblock there.

next, HELL HOUR! hehe. the defining activity of npcc camps maybe? wait or is that fire drill. ah whatever. hell hour is the true down and dirty yet fun to the max deal. yup, this year it was a little combination of roll in the mud and cake making. cake making meaning eggs and flour, plus one special ingredient - cadets! XD they had to smash eggs on themselves...ultimate sadistic act by sec4s la. plus massive water hosing from our dear ccal means a totally sick (as in physically, you know from the mud and stuff. not the other kind! erhem erhem) sec1 squad.
plus i made them hug each other at the end of it all to show how they have bonded throughout the session XD (aww super gross) spread the love mah...cannot be too selfish.

LUCKY THEY DIDN'T COME AFTER ME AND TAUPOK ME WHEN THEY WERE OVER AND DONE WITH.
one major reason why i didn't want to be the mastermind behind the whole activity heh.
oh but, i got wet in the end anyway.
me and some sec4s were chilling randomly in the raja block foyer, then simon (from sec3) came and said something about dhivian or tengchuan needing me there. of course i got REALLY suspicious about this (why couldn't they just call me huh), so was kinda hesitant. but then, kind soul as i was i gave in and followed him...follow follow follow i saw mr koh with the sec3s. so i thought there shouldn't be anything too sinister going on/that could go on with him around and i kinda let my guard down.
now this was epic.
mr koh: "ok jun xiang you want to debrief them?"
me: "er sir actually i've been kind of running between the 2 camps so i'm not totally aware of what they've been doing"
mr koh: "oh, ok...*runs away* GO!"

AND THEN JUNHUI RAN OUT OF THE SQUAD AND SMASHED A WATER BOMB ON ME.
by the way it wasn't just water bomb. water + soap to be precise. urgh.
thanks mr koh. >.>

after that randomed around abit more, and then went to oversee cadets' dinner with the sec4s.

ok actually before this, sec3s were changing out so i got a nice lil' opportunity to snag something. ok here's how it goes; sec3s are all given one rifle each, and they're supposed to be responsible for it for the entire duration of the camp. we affectionately term it their "wives" =D and i was telling jun lun during lunch that he'd better keep a close eye on his rifle cause "i've taken a fancy to his wife" XD and as fate would have it i got a chance to snag it while they were changing out/washing up! the blur face had it beside the table behind him as he was searching his bag for stuff, and i just walked up and ta-dah! it was mine =))) nice wife by the way jun lun XD and i can still remember some of the (not-so-clean) stuff that he said about his "wife" and what he was doing with it >.< censored content though since some of my audiences are not mature enough =/

skip a few things in the middle here and there (by the way dinner of fried noodles wasn't great, but okay)..
night walk!
ie (ghost)storytelling about the school. another tradition thingy of rinpcc camps, spearheaded by neville (NAH) i believe. well, even though i'm not the bravest of souls and i DO/DID get freaked out (not majorly, but that you could fill the shivers running down your spine now and then) by many of the stories, somehow strangely i enjoyed hearing them again and re-living the nightwalk experience. strange how we can think like this huh. but anyway, i screwed up! wasn't able to achieve my desired effect of scaring the sec1s with a loud "BOO". i think it was my timing, i dragged for too long hai. these things need practice and experience too..

sec1 debrief was up last (for the night anyway). and i was doing most of the talking; though i get feedback from sec4s that i talk TOO MUCH (i talked for close to 30minutes omg), and that given their fatigue plus the lateness of the night hardly anything i said would have truly got to them/become internalised in them. sigh. unfortunate but that's my style. thats not to say that it can't be refined and made better though. that's what feedback's for!

hmm. but my brother (he's in npcc sec1 too fyi =D) tells me that it helped! he says the next day they kept reminding each other to keep to the 3 goals that they've (or rather i've helped them to) set for themselves. reminding and actually achieving it are 2 different stories though...but well, at least it's something positive to hear.

night time!! whooo. equals slack time. ok not really. here's how i spent my first night:
-bathed
-went to sec3 bag storage room, and took over it =) setup mugging stuff, etc (2 redbull worx!) it was 1.30am.
-started playing my music, and then flipped open my chem notes to the first page.
-...20minutes passed, am still at first page. WHAT WAS I DOING OMG
-...another 40 minutes later, i was dozing off. for the whole 40minutes. then chen wei came in/back from sentry duty.
-we started talking random stuff, him showing me kpop things and trying to get me interested (sadly i didn't because there were other things/persons more attractive than korean girls =D), and me asking him stuff (shall not say here, sorta sensitive).
-that lasted till 4am. then chenwei couldn't take it and wanted to go sleep. so i was aloen again.
-timecheck: 4.30am. started mugging (wow finally). managed to cover first 2 topics of chem notes. quite an achievement.
in summary i suck at late night mugging, i slept under an hour for the day and i mugged minimally. win =( but i was really surprised/impressed at myself for being able to tahan the fatigue. well, camps do funny things to your body.

day 2!
nothing much that i can remember leh...only that i went down to see sec1s do PT. didn't actually do much myself though >.< ended up chatting with sec4s zz.
i think there was some major free time here, and shude came, so we started doing things like...classroom badminton...com games (mvsc XD)...zzz. gimme a break, i worked hard the previous night k! =/ oh but, i think i sort of strained my hamstrings/gluteals muscles during the game. they started to hurt like hell halfway throughout badminton...which resulted in me not being able to sit down or put my weight on my butt without experiencing extreme pain on the 2nd night. ouch.

skipskipskip, sec1 collaboration slots were kinda boring hai. sec3s didn't come up with something particularly fun or innovative sadly. and that happened to take up the whole afternoon..

ok then, campfire! finale of the camp. it's really good that we managed to get a real fire going, previous years was just lightsticks and some pseudo farfetched camp"fire" (how does camp lights sound to you). it was quite pathetic when put next to this. i think the campfire was overall decent, though the energy level could definitely have been higher (sec4s why so many of you diamdiam! grr)
by the way there was this really sick/wrong cheer that we sang...i have no idea why mr koh even approved of it to be sang, but anyway, if you want to know about it can ask me! though i'd rather you dont ask because it will show that you are dirty-minded heh >.<

i joined sec3 debrief this time. didn't add in too much since sec4s seemed to have quite a fair bit to say already (and i didn't want to rattle on and delay too much; you'd know why later). but i got them to think about what "being passionate" means to them over the night and/or hike =)

there was some time before the midnight activity so me and shude attempted to mug. we ended up discussing/deciding whether to go for the sec3 night hike or stay in school, and after some cost-benefit-analysis staying in school won =)
ok, to be honest i had only mugged 4 new pages of chem in the 2nd night. >.> was damn tired, so me and shude agreed to sleep it off. 4am to 8am.

in the middle of the night we had our favourite activity: fire drill. (this was at 2/3am fyi) first was sec3 one. i felt it could have been better though, not sure why.
shall talk about the sec1's one in greater detail. ok first it starts with shude pulling out one poor sec1 soul from the safety of their tents to hide out in our ops control room. gosh, i never realised how difficult it is to just pull out one guy and not alert the rest. in any case, it was a good session scolding them (hold here, i am not sadistic! i am doing it with their best interests at heart...) and although they had to endure EXTREME physical torture (i think one of the worst to come down on sec1s ever in my time so far), i think they would will come to remember this incident for awhile. then again, not a good start! orientation camp only and why are we scaring them so badly? zz.

so that ends day 2. day 3 was really nothing much, mostly cleaning/clearing up and keeping logisitics. though i had a good time talking to kiengwee and finding out more about how his squad was doing, and even how his ncos were coping. even found out more about him personally. hmm i really enjoy heartfelt and open conversations like that.
yup, and then when sec3s returned from nighthike (apparently they failed to see the sunrise omg damn sad la), had a good time debriefing them too! was really motivated by their spirits and they really seem different from the sec3s that i used to know at the start of the year (at least significantly). the definitions that they gave me about being passionate was really great too, and i can't express how motivated i am at that. go sec3s! you guys can do it if you just continue on with this kind of spirit and determination man =)

hmm, that rounds up the camp finally. to be honest, didn't get to do as much as i would have liked to during the camp, which is a pity. but then those moments that i were in, i think i made the best out of them (such as the lecture series, fire drill, debrief), so there's something good there! and somehow, i feel as if my passion for RINP has been reignited or is burning brighter than ever after the camp. maybe because of the sec3s, maybe the sec1s, maybe just all the people that make up this cca; but whatever it is, i'm going to strive on even harder and push for all the changes that i want to make to this unit and make it the best in years to come. if this year isn't the year to get back our much coveted UOPA gold, i don't know which is =) RINPCC let's go!

i know, grandmother story post again. can't help it sorry..onto other things, mugging's been average, and frankly i don't know what kind of grade i'm gonna get this CT. if i get all Bs at all i'd be super happy, and i'm serious. but doesn't seem so; probably mixtures of Bs and C/D/Es. ugh, hope this will serve as a lesson to wake me up then. can't screw up prelims like that again, if not all the scholarships H3 and whatnot are going to fly out of my grasp (pragmatic yes i know but that's the way life is, survival of the fittest huh).

on another note, i think i'm going to try blogging in chinse in the future! don't know why but i suddenly got the inspiration to after seeing tay pin hui's blog o.O well, do look out for it? haha. alright, 11.30pm already, i ought to get back to math and finish up my revision questions for chapter S6 (which will round up my math mugging!) see ya guys around ;)

YES 2009!

back with another long post =)

ok so, went for YES (Youth Entrepreneurship Symposium) on the 17th and 18th! super fun and enriching hence the post, yup! =D

firstly, photos are on facebook...so go there and see for yourself ok?

shall start with a chronological recount of the whole thing i guess.

opening was a little dry and draggy in my opinion, so fast forwarddddd
i remember how a few of us rj guys stepped into the breakout room that we were assigned (by the way i got food and beverages industry haha), and then the atmosphere was a little awkward. but evan kind of broke the ice by quickly starting an introduction and yup, we got off from there! nice one evan =)
talks by mr kelvin lim, mr soon loo and the like were all very inspirational, entertaining and just great. i like how they were dynamic and yet managed to bring the point across all the same.
and of course, the meals were simply ^.^ by the way, 10bucks for 2 refreshments 3 meals 1 goodybag and 1 shirt is a really good deal! all owed to economies of scale i guess =)
then there was YES challenge opening, and breakout discussions. sadly it got off to a pretty awkward start, with the 5 of us not really knowing each other. and i ended up becoming the leader of the discussion...raffles power! yay haha. ok that was not meant to be ego/suan...in case anyone from other schools think so.
after that was industry visit! to miss clarity cafe. first time there, didn't even hear of it before then. but was a really refreshing and insightful experience. it's not every day that you get to hear about a real life entrepreneur sharing their real life experiences, takeaways and challenges. you won't get to hear this kind of thing in the adult world eh, truly.

day 2 now!
team building games was pretty lame...building the tallest tower out of newspaper and masking tape that could hold up 8 "wallets" and not fall. >.> nothing much to say, except we had fun crazing over pia-ing tape all over the structure XD
quick pitch didn't go according to plan zzz. we ran out of time and me being the last speaker, didn't get to speak! pfft. but the judges were nice and gave friendly comments.
parallel sessions were alright la. first one was entrepreneurship 101, something about how to start up your business. but the funny thing is i don't actually recall the speaker mentioning anything about "starting up a business"! only things like sharing his own experiences, and some general life principles and stuff. =/ second one was understanding the consumer, was a nice talk.
preliminary round presentation was next. bleh, we ran grossly out of time again! i'm starting to wonder if there was a problem with the timekeeper or something. and we didn't get chosen to represent our industry for the finals, boohoo...
then there was a really good talk by mr eric feng. haha, all the stuff about his dating experiences and that were super funny and...relevant? X) yup anyway, he's some really imba speaker. enough said? =)
YES challenge finals was great too. especially our F&B group! evan ma/asava aree is like the new cool seriously. i think all the rjc people had their jaws hanging after his presentation. now, i need to go re-watch that video of him with his award-winning lines...XD
and then dinner was superb. it was like super super super imba. so good that i ate 1.5 plates of food =)

okok. gotta share something ridiculous/hilarious here. cause it was dinnertime and the rj peeps were together. not sure why, but suddenly 3 of the girls (i believe it was grace yingling and esther) burst out into laughter. then...
me: "eh what are you all laughing at?"
them: "don't look up their skirts" (referencing to some girls one floor above. bytheway i have no idea why girls would even think of this kind of stuff)
AND APPARENTLY...i did this.
me: "huh?" *looks up; everyone starts laughing like crazy at me as they can't believe i did that*
ok now to clarify things up! i looked up because i had only processed the first half of the sentence. and you know when people ask you "don't see something", all the more you will go and see right? yup. then only after i looked up did i realise what they meant...as in the second half of the sentence got into my head.
wait there's a follow-up to this.
after they were done laughing at me, i wanted to comeback with something witty or sorts. but i held back because i thought it would have sick connotations (which i did not intend any by the way). here's what i said.
"i wanted to say something but i can't..."
AND FOR SOME REASON THEY ALL HEARD IT AS "SEE".
now surely you must have got that. "see" as in, the stuff about looking up skirts and all. yea, then more laughter burst out. >.> buay ta han la...i got mistaken for some lecher now la. pfft.
ok the reason why i'm even putting all this up here is because i'm sure you all out there have eyes to judge what kind of person i am...and that i am in no way a sick or perverted person! if you still think i am then go and jump off your house rooftop now. yes right now. =)

ANYWAY...back to the programme.
went back to the hall for the second half of the YES finals. shall not talk too much about the presentations in particular la, it'll get super sian. but then me and kaushik started getting high and singing the college anthem, batch song, bla bla other random songs. woots XD and i cannot figure why sharon thinks it "disgusting" when it is really freedom of expression in action! =D it's way fun, kbox please! haha and i'm amazed at how well i can hit it off with kaushik ;) newfound best friend!
yup and for the award presentation, the 3 top teams all had a rj member inside! ownage rj sweeping victory woots! good job karthikeyan evan abhi =)

hmm, guess that pretty much rounds up the main highlights of the programme...now moving on to reflections/afterthoughts! am i using too many words huh. my post lengths are like...essays X10. X(

YES was as i said a really wonderful experience. from getting entrepreneurship insights, personal experience and making friends with people from other colleges, a really good combination. i had lots of fun being lame and things like that XD bleh i totally defied the raffles stereotype i guess. but then again who cares about stereotypes! raffles doesn't equate smartest or most capable. it's just the determination and willingness to strive and succeed that differentiates people.
and i think i can ascertain the fact that i am super funny in my own special way =) how many people have laughed at the stuff that i have said throughout the past 2 days lor...eh ok wait i'm getting ego. i shall stop..
bleh, and i kena-ed a scandal in just one day! like >.> enilda kept laughing at the things i said...and then chia ern belives that she likes me. diao. ok notice i use the word scandal. meaning that ITS NOT REAL and just a random gossip and speculation. i have other people in mind so...yea. =)
oh, and i actually look like a teacher/scholar? i get people telling me that. wow...nice.
in short, i'd do YES all over again. YES i would =D
as for being a possible future entrepreneur, hmm...my parents don't think too much of this risk-taking business, but well, i'd leave that option open personally for now =) it may just be useful/the thing to do in future so yup!


---

now, a little about other stuff.

npcc camp's next week, and i've actually been struggling somewhat over whether i should sacrifice one day of it to camp home and mug. my mugging progress is really bad and i'll really gg if CTs proceed as planned (RJC please declare no school for another week!!!). but then, after YES i realised that having passion also means unconditional giving no matter what. and i do have a personal calling and responsibility towards RINPCC so it just isn't right for me to give it up because of books. and so i made up my mind to go for the entire camp (though i'd bring some stuff to mug in the night if the chance arises). heck the exams, how much joy can you get out of seeing 4As on your record? not as much as going for npcc for me. and i shall get a camera from my sis to spam pictures! finally =D

alright that should round up another one of my imba long posts...and now i'm gonna have to get back to physics/econs. =(

oh my god i am screweddd.

my days are numbered. CHOY *touch wood touch wood*
what i meant was that there isn't much time left till CTs that i can actually spend mugging.
if you want to go to the specifics its 9 days. yes, 9. 9 because there's YES (some 2-day ENTRE symposium) and a 3-day NPCC camp. may not be as packed as some others but it's bad enough for people like me...
and what have i done? only looked through econs notes. and i guarantee you that is WAY not enough to pass. and i am aiming for (at least) a B you know >.<

grrr.
and i think 9 days is really an overstatement. i'm quite sure that through these 9 days, i'll spend close to half stoning away, on msn/facebook/blog with whatever little time i'm allowed/wil allow myself, or simply just doing other stuff. which includes npcc stuff planning, proposals to vet, ONEweek event to plan, pw to settle (and maybe interviewees to meet).

this is really really screwed. and you're not telling me that i can get my math right in just 3 days?! math needs hell lots of practice and i've been getting in next to none for the past 6 months. i can really wish myself good luck have fun now. and i actually wanted to set a target of 4 As you know...make that 2 As, 2 Bs? ah, super irritated la. i hardly have time to even think about other things even if i wanted to. right now really, mugging is the top top top priority. well, at least when npcc camp doesn't come into the picture. it's time to whip out my old tactics and spam note making and stuff. that's how you own for physics and chem at least...math not really, just practise. econs...just gg, totally no idea how to mug. go go go i wanna start proving myself and have something to pride myself for. yes so i shall stop procrastinating now and hit the bed. not because i want to slack, but to wake up super early tomorrow (say 9 or 10? >.<) and mug! determination for you =D

haha okay. buzz =)

i don't know what to say.
i'm so shocked at what people can say when they are bent on achieving something. the kind of harshness, brutality and even inhumanity that you can bring out with your tongue when you want it to. i know, it may not always be lies. and sometimes "liang2 yao4 ku2 kou3 li4 yu2 bing4". but really, my instinct just tells me that it isn't real. and it isn't even just me, a couple friends think the same too. so what is really happening here? can i even trust you anymore? i don't even know who to trust now. no one really speaks whats on his mind anymore in this time age and place. but then again, sometimes neither do i. it rather seems everyone's become skilled at keeping things to themselves and only saying things that will help them achieve their ends. quite a pathetic world to be in if i must say so myself.

maybe it'll work, maybe it'll not. and maybe i have been deluding myself all this while. but then again, you really won't know until you know. if it's of any comfort to myself it's that at least i see some worth or reason for me to continue like this, even if it may be silly or that it'll eventually come to nought and but bring me more pain and suffering for the future days to come. only that, i may hopefully now hold a different mindset to it. no more fretting over it day and night; i'd just do whatever i can, when i can, and if it doesn't work out, well, too bad. it's not the first thing in my life that's failed for me, and trust me i've had more things not work out for me than most other poeple might have. so it's really not a new feeling anymore, quite familiar even. and failures are supposed to make you stronger, so...i'm trying to look on the bright side here, heh.

there ARE other things to do in life. npcc is one. now i feel a bit happier; i'm really excited when i think about planning a couple new npcc ventures or initiatives. it'll be really fun...i guess that's where all the hoohah about being a pioneer stems from. not just this, just thinking about my unit and going down for training is a wonderful prospect. meh, i won't even mind if you tell me now that trainings are increased to 3 times a week. i mean like bring it on i'd be more than happy to go.
and yesterday had a nice talk with joseph (my npcc senior). got alot of ideas and perspectives about what CIs should do...and i must say that although some of my initial notions were challenged i saw his point and went over to his side.
sadly, he's going off for NS in a week's time...rather sad to see him go. will miss him...even though we spend alot of time suanning each other and things like that, we both know that we love npcc and it's very sad to see such an excellent CI like him go. and i couldn't express how grateful i am for his affirmation to me that "work hard CI jun xiang, i know you love npcc". deep down, we all are the same isnt it. willing to do whatever we can to improve the unit, help the cadets, make it a better place for all of them. even if it means sacrificing mugging time, time to hang out with friends, time to slack/sleep. isnt that the real beauty and the true essence of liking something? you don't need a particular reason or justified rationale, you just go on and do it...and it's a really, really great driving force in my opinion.

yup, and npcc will probably be what will pull me through whatever hard times lie ahead of me. which is very very likely. sometimes i can't believe it myself, when did i grow such an attachment to NP. but it's definitely true, yes it is. now, i need to go and check again whether its possible to extend CI term after our tertiary study years. maybe HO? haha nah (HAHA HO neville NAH...) maybe not, its rather sucky to go through additional courses and probationary periods but i'll keep that as an option anyway. might be fun to relive the experience...which i vaguely recalled during the trip to HTA yesterday for the final day of HQ duty. wasn't much fun, but there were some enjoyable times reminiscing CIBTC D'08. ah, we all hated it but somehow we actually miss the things that brought us so much pain and caused so much groaning moaning and complaning. life's just weird in this way...

hope i can really get over all this soon...there're still so many things waiting for me to do! i won't spend/dedicate my time to thinking excessively about that anymore...it doesn't do much good in particular and its also bad for health. yup, so am bouncing back! even if just gradually or just a little, at least it's a start yea. oh, i love this place for what it can offer me...something of a shelter where i can seek solace comfort and quiet in? haha...

time to blog again, yay =)

well, it's the end of the first week of the June hols. Haven't really accomplished much...all i mugged was econs microeconomics notes. market structure never touch. win la...

positive things

went to the gym today! had a pretty imba workout...oh and my pullup count is now officially 6 (fine those better than me, dont have to suan...let me soak in my own ego for awhile first k)! it's pretty funny how i can enjoy the pain of gymming. i guess it's all because you know that at the end of it you'll come out stronger and better than before. just gotta keep this in mind till NS is over...haha good luck to myself doing so.

spammed chat with alot of people on msn the past 2 nights! slept at 3 woots. can't do the same tonight though, tomorrow there's npcc hq duty again! 9 to 6. holy, worse than working adult. or at least as bad, hai...tomorrow apparently is printing of certs. sounds dam sian, hope there'll be something fun.

3pm...guess what i spent it on? msn, facebook, blog. the big 3! ok not something to be proud of actually. but it's just so love-hate you know, the relationship. like you love it because of all the entertainment it brings you, but hate it because it ruins your studies, schedules whatever. oh well. it's all about balance. which i need to learn how to achieve sadly.

oh i didnt mention. I GOT MY DRILL CANE LAST WEEK. woots. 30 bucks but well worth it. plain awesome...shall flaunt it around in school sometime! XD

changed my facebook profile picture too yay! it looks good...but then i'm praising myself so i shall stop. nevermind, people can see for themselves one la...no need me to say...HAHA. X)

this week's schedule is pretty bad too. tomorrow there's duty for the whole day (zomg), tuesday's theres one chapter meeting and some hunger banquet for RCLF and stuff, wednesday...class outing? not confirmed zz. saturday i got SABO-ed (by a certain someone, for a super silly reason cited) to go support SAGE finals, then after that there's the 6N june bday people's celebrations at kangwei's house! yay go crash. heard it's super big...shall see for myself how big. =)

AH NPCC SEC4 CHALET on 9-11 june...cannot go la what the...i'm damn sad!

hmph. CI confirmation form has become quite a bother. i havent got the proof of study at RJC yet (the office said they would call me in a day or two! and i went last wednesday. so much for credibility?). and mr koh's schedule doesnt really fit with mine so a real trouble to get him to sign the form. and i'm not really going to school after that, so i'll have to make one special trip down to school JUST to get that form omg...well, in times like this smile and be glad that there's circle line! =D

nyaa havent fill up/submit yet. damn. who knows when the gold award presentation ceremony is? should be around the same time of year for every year right?

half a year's passed just like that. frankly it seems a little too short for my CI term. i don't feel like i've done enough. sure, being there every training says something, but it's definitely not enough. we need to really dream big and do something huge that will positively impact the unit and the squads. right now, not much of that yet, and it's something of a pity.

speaking of which, the more i think the more i realise that it's really, really hard to be a good/role model CI. you need to be strict yet empathetic, go by the book yet be flexible in making exceptions, teach what is necessary but not let it bore people to death, funny witty and interesting yet not lose your image of a leader and a senior, be someone cadets respect but not just think of you as someone they have to obey merely due to a rank difference. on top of being able to organise, plan, execute, anticipate problems and always have contigency plans in mind where possible, if not impromptu skills in handling last minute crop-ups or situations, and of course being good in the very core skills - drills, campcraft, PT.

if you think about it (or if you know how UGs are like), it's not easy to be so many things at the same time. lucky i have a role model to look up to. hao jun (my instructor) from the CI course has been really great, and last thursday seeing him at HTA was quite a experience. even after the course, he's still really and genuinely concerned about how we're doing and all. great guy man...i bet he'll go on and accomplish great things in life in future. go hao jun! =D yup, he's someone i'd wanna strive to be, not just as a CI but as a person in general too. of course, i should be finding my own style and not be some copycat, but well. you gotta start with something right?

ah well. i've got to go sort out my life. it's in quite a mess now...haiz.

back, on a better note than what i was at in the last post.

guess i've sorted some things out for myself. i admit that it may still come to nought, true, but nevertheless i'll keep that hope alive, and with hope there's a motivation to go on. i'll just continue to do what i can to make your life better, happier, in my own way. it's the least i can do, even if it's unreturned. you know what, just hearing your voice, seeing your face gets my spirits up. and that's how big an impact you have on me. if only you knew...

a big thanks to those who've helped to make the way ahead a little clearer, as well as simply listening to me rant my concerns. thanks for listening, empathising and offering advice (even if it's limited), it was really what i badly needed. you guys are great friends, don't hesitate to come to me if you need help too! i'm always available and ready to listen and help; at your service! =)

haven't really started on any work yet, and that's really bad news. i still have about 7-8 days at least that i'll be out, which really leaves little less than 2 weeks to mug for CTs. crap...gonna die. i need motivation! someone give me that. mugging sessions would be great, but then my mum might start asking suspiciously about what i'm going out for...hai, she doesn't believe me. damn sad la...oh well. life really isnt a fairy tale and we should never expect it to be.

yesterday had CI duty at npcc hq. well, not really duty, more like going there to do admin, due to a lack of options to clock up hq hours. zzz ok...but at least it was fun, frequently spotting familiar names among the piles of CI forms that we had to key in the data into excel sheets. though otherwise, kind of a tedious boring and repetitive task...guess that's why we were asked to do it right? =/
oh but had dinner with sec3s after that! was something to look forward to. quite a nice bonding session...though sometimes i wish that they would be abit more inquisitive about my life HAHA. or that i had taken more time out to know them during training or something...
and i got so bored that i started camwhoring in the hq office...not sure if i should put them on facebook leh. not that they're unglam but...abit shameless? >.<

oh yes. and i got a terrible haircut today. damn...i have no idea why my whole family thinks it looks good. it sucks please...i look like a total toot. please grow back to what it was in the past soon! please please please...

i realised that avril lavigne's songs are pretty good. took a liking to 4 of them...and grew to like a couple of jap songs that i got from victor today too. interesting, how we can not really like something initially, and then all of a sudden can't take our senses off it.

somehow, taking long walks by yourself is really therapeutic. you get to calm down inside, just take in whatever's around you, and enjoy the moment. wondeful feeling. except that i dont have the luxury of time to go around doing that...

wish i could do more for rinpcc...there're some crop ups for my masterplan for the sec3 training programme sigh. well, i just hope that they'll go on and learn much from LMSC, have a positive attitude, come for the sec3-sec1 camp prepared and own!
sidepoint, i'm gonna have a hell of a fun time then. but its a pity that the 2 camps are run simultaneously; i can't split myself into two! argh, gonna be crazy running to and fro to oversee both man. at least i'll have fun! =)

right now, i really need to get back to PW, finish editing the interview and survey questions, and then send them to mr koh before the night/day is over. so that tomorrow when i'm back he'll have comments/approved it and we can proceed with our schedule asap.

it's 1.39am now. holy. and i gotta go out tomorrow. some x stigma workshop zz. kind of a waste of time since it's so short and then after that nothing important on, but at least i'm meeting victor so we'll have a fun time sharing experiences ^.^ and the place is pretty near my house too...okok. time to make like a...dog? ah whatever. bye.