time passes fast.

week 7 (starting tomorrow) of professional term is already here, and it's almost the climax of our training - exercise grandslam (ie, the 5D4N field camp that everyone is dreading). frankly, i'm feeling a little sick at the thought of going through mud, rain, blistering feet, heat rash and sleepless nights all over again. but the fact is that we are serving the nation and this is one of those things that we inevitably have to grit our teeth and go through, or to put it more "fondly" in the army context, suck thumb and carry on.

but most of us survive it in the end, no? we are stronger than what we think; i read somewhere that our human body can take 10 times what the human mind tends to think we can! and we always say that when it comes to the army, it's alot in the body, but a whole lot more in the mind. and i do believe in this statement, because if it's not faith that pulls us through then what does?

so, while i may not excel through the next 5 days, i'll definitely survive, 'cause i have faith! :)

suddenly felt like i owe any readers here abit of an explanation as to my prolonged absence here.

well, life's pace has basically picked up and bookouts are really quite a hectic rush to do what i need to get done, and then to catch up on sleep and rest. next couple months will likely see the same pace of life, so it'll be difficult for me to post anything substantial. apologies but i do promise to not neglect this space 3 months down the road =) till then! good things are worth the wait hahaha.

friends are all the difference you need

it is infinitely interesting to read and know the personal thoughts of another individual. more so when that person is someone you know but do not know so intimately, and then reading these things shed so much new light about the person that you never know before or sides of the person that you didn't know existed, due in part to our preconceived notions of him/her. and that "strike a chord" moment can be extremely precious; to know that two souls out there share something in common, now that's amazing.

on the note of striking chords (i seem to be sounding linguistically musical here!), i agree with what a friend said; that one-to-one relationships are way more important than being out in a group. what i find is that many times in a group, we don't talk about things that matter so much, more on the usual "what have you been doing", and then some throwing around of funny tales. but rarely on personal issues, rarely. maybe group settings are just less conducive, maybe we're wired to be more personal only when we are alone with another. and perhaps, how open two people can be in a one-to-one setting can be indicative of how close their relationship really is.

i appreciate it tremendously when people appreciate what i've done for them. not to say that i do things with the motive of earning appreciation, but the fact is that it offers a great deal of reinforcement to the belief that you have made a difference in another's life. i don't know about you, but if there's anything worth doing it is this, making a difference in people's lives. forget the corporate ladder, the sparkling cents and dollars you earn, forget the status that many of us so desperately cling onto for self-identity and pride in society today. a self-centred life isn't much of a life worth living in my opinion.

i just want to say, thank you friend for giving me that re-affirmation of the value of what i'm doing :) it really means a lot. you're a special friend too!

it's difficult to break away from old habits and patterns of thinking. really difficult.

i know i'm not supposed to fix my sights on worldly achievements, rather strive for things beyond that. the problem is this: how easily can you do it?

i remember having seen in a book somewhere mentioning that guys place a great deal of pressure on themselves (to do well). i cannot agree more. while i cannot affirm whether this is due to a cultural influence or a gender stereotype, or even something genetic in guys, i do know that it holds true for me.

why's it so hard to accept failure? perhaps i think of myself as competent enough and therefore more than justified to succeed. perhaps it's because so many around me have carved out a path for themselves one after another but i have yet to. perhaps i am too idealistic, too hopeful, so the loss (of opportunities, for one) is amplified.

feel like i'm stuck in a rut. and the thing about me is, when i get stuck, i can stay inside for pretty long. the feeling does suck. i hope that reading all this has not been a spirit dampener; think of it as me illustrating that we all have our own share of struggles to deal with.

and thus i suppose, this is why we have the comforter and friend - the one whose touch we need again.

some things i really really miss:

1. my class, friends, family
2. being able to wander around and explore singapore for the whole day
3. basically time out to unwind...quiet time!
4. my books, god knows how many i have that are unread and busy collecting dust.

bahh. NS makes you miss alot alot of things. on the upside, it reveals what matters to you most, which sometimes surprises you.

onward with the next week of foundation term rarh!

10 days to enlistment...

argh the days are passing by fast enough, and this thing called NS has to come in and shorten my days even further. i heard in BMT you run 5km on alternate days. well i have never practised running anything beyond 3km at one shot before so...not great news.

anyway want to share this: knowing about someone is not the same as knowing someone. knowing about entails hearing about what the person is like, what he/she has done, etc. knowing on the other hand, entails a personal encounter and an experience of interaction with the person. how many of us know about MM Lee but don't actually know MM Lee? hope that suffices to illustrate my point.

knowing in the head and knowing in the heart are so different things.

this place has become less and less of a good "dumping ground" for my thoughts and revelations, because some of these are just too sensitive and should be really kept to myself and close friends. oh well. things change!

great week came and gone!

will very briefly summarise the takeaways (i kind of dread chronicling everything that transpired all over, if you don't mind)..

don't think so much and just believe! though my instinct would be to question and rationalise things out for myself.

head knowledge and heart knowledge are VERY, VERY different things. indeed, the heart and the mind can be so close physically but yet the two can be so far apart spiritually. knowing/hearing of an experience and living out the experience yourself are totally different stories.

if we want to help people we have to meet real needs! not perceived needs. despite how well we may think we know others or know the situation, and even despite how good our intentions are.

trusting someone can be very very easy...or very very hard!

be yourself

i hope the below (disclaimer: not written by me) can spur some of you on!

"Often we want to be somewhere other than where we are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous. It is very important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can, and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.

We will never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do. Be yourself!"

re-watched ratatouille today (yes i re-watch movies often) and could not help but feel the quote below (got from wiki) holds more meaning than what the average viewer might have been able to pick up.

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talents, new creations. The new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new; an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking, is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook". But I realize — only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more."

what struck me were the parts about criticism being an easy task but good criticisms are rare finds. and the new, the unknown, the seemingly threatening are more often than not excessively unwelcome. to staunchly defend the new that we believe in isn't something peculiar to the job of a critic; it's something that we all experience or witness in our lives. to me the point is whether we defend the beliefs to our deaths, or we relent and succumb to the pressures of the world in time.

food for thought...just like ratatouille XD

one more month to NS...

didn't get to work nor volunteer over this long break, but i did thankfully get to meet up with many friends and re-connect.

knowing something does not equate to experiencing something. many will have some inkling of the notion of death, but how many have truly felt what it's like to have someone close to you leave you for a better place? i can only faintly recall what my grandpa's wake was like when he passed away in my primary 5 year. i don't know why but perhaps at that tender age i was not able to grasp the idea of death of a loved one. i didn't really shed tears, i wasn't even quite able to muster up any feeling of sadness. come to think of it, one thing i could remember well was that there were nice shui jing baos there. i'm not proud of this in any way. i just feel that many a time, we as the mere observers can only see so much of the situation. so much else about the situation goes unnoticed, there are too many subtleties that "putting yourself in his/her shoes" may not suffice to provide a true understanding/empathy.

i often think to myself, how strong can a person be? i think one can only withstand so much before crumbling; we're really not beings made to DIY (even if self-help books do often advocate such a mindset). bad times bring out the most in people, that i do believe. in all honesty i'm not a very strong person; mean words and insults get to me easily (though i may appear nonchalant) and it's hard to not care about what other people think of me and just go my own way. doesn't help too that i can get soft-hearted and avoid doing things that are injurious or hurtful to others. sounds like a terrible combination huh?

and waiting can be a really torturous process. i think the torture stems from the feeling of "infinite" panging and longing for what you're waiting for to come. and undeniably we can only see so far into the future. sometimes we're waiting but have no clue what we're waiting for - so we just wait, and wait, and wait. eventually we just waste our lives away because we wait aimlessly. for me, i'm waiting for a vision that will show me the passions and dreams ordained for no one but me. i don't know when that will come by. but today i learnt to wait in faith, and i shall.