Random lah Jane,

:)

Again and again.

Yes, somebody has to come up to me and say, "Jane, you need to widen your scope."

And I'd probably say, "Well then, do you want to be my muse?"

Sue me. Didn't I tell you I've always been going around in circles with the basic things in life? Maybe I'm the one who has been paying too much attention to it. I mean, you need to be aware of it to perceive it. I guess then, its my fault. I've to to get myself out of this cocoon.

Are you aware that it is hard to be entirely independent? I mean, think about it. If you were out living out in the woods, you might think you're alone. Just you and your little wooden shack.

Ah, but there's where you are wrong.

You're surrounded by the nature. And in case you do not know, they're the ones who provide you oxygen and all. Which deeply enough, helps you to breathe, hence, helping you to live.

I mean, without those trees, you're nothing - you can't even breathe.

But what has been bothering me is that, why do people need to be interdependent? I mean, sure you need someone to share the joy and the burden in life. I'm sorry I might sound a little bit skeptical or rather boxed, but why? I know it sounds like questioning why is 2+2=4. But i was just wondering lah okay.

You could have all the things in life but at the end of the day, you just need that mere companionship. Maybe by the love of a pet, a mother, a sibling, a father, a friend, or a lover. Maybe even God. But He's pretty much everywhere with you, and He's a little too abstract. So lets take Him out of the frame.

And you know all the phases you go through in life? Like from Sekolah Menengah, where you share life experiences that help you be where you are now with those closed friends. And yes, I can't deny that you would end up being closed still after your schooling years and throughout college life.

But it wouldn't be much the same wouldn't it?

You go to different institutions, study. Yes, you talk now and then. But it is not the same as those days, you see each other every morning. 5 days a week. It's pretty much like your life routine. You share things, vague and vivid. Now, you probably would just meet over breakfast and all since each of you have your own life events.

Then you create new circle of friends. Might not be the same as the previous ones, but you know, you see them more often. Being under the same roof and all. And, you talk, laugh, scream and shout daily. Isn't that what its about? Going through things together, on a daily basis. Physical proximity - isn't this one of the fundamental factor?

But what would happen to the dear ones from your the circle from your previous stage of life?

Should you draw a line between what's to share and what not to share? I mean, how do you know whether you should share things with someone and be dependent?

Do you measure by how close are or were you? I mean, period of time knowing. Or do you measure by the physical proximity? BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Again, why do we need to be interdependent? Why can't we just follow what Nietzsche promoted, the ubermench?

F said, "because we all have a heart".

Right now, I don't even know whether my heart is whether its in the "icebox" or its at the Sahara Desert, melting.

Quotesss

"Try lying for a change, its a currency of the world!"
Jude Law, closer.

"Love is such a strong word, Lo. You, I love!"
L.C, The hills.

Bahaha, okay later.

Home is where the friggin heart is!

Okay, sorry.

Did you ever know your safety circle? You know, where you would feel safe from anything in the world.

Yes, it could be your "true" love. At least at this point you would think it is your true love. One may be infatuated, and never know. Hence, being in denial. Love is blind so they say.

And obviously yes, your family. Maybe not for all of us, but you know, most of us. Especially the ones who would really catch you when you fall and hit the ground. Its like, doing things that would definitely hurt them and disappoint them.

But yet, when you turn around after you've ran away from your safety circle, you know they're just standing right at the doorstep, waiting for you to return. With whatever reason you're tearing for. Ah, emotion.

Truth is, yes we did disappoint our folks every now and then. And yeah, everyone's living a lie at a certain scale. Big or small, who can really tell? You didn't let the whole world read your mind did you? I mean, no one really knows what's going on in your head.

That little guilt you've been holding since ever.

Maybe from that birthday party they held for you when you were 5. Or maybe at that small family dinner when you were 5? Or maybe that time when you kissed, and not exactly tell.

And you moved far away from the past, hoping there's a light. And thinking about it does not really help.

Apabila tupai jatuh ke tanah,

Silence.

You crawl back to the doorstep, weep in regret.

Maybe it is that little software He programmed in all of us, the heart. I mean, we could be the evil genius that wants immortality and to be the ruler of the world, but he could fall just by this tiny thing. Unless he has his heart in an icebox or something. Just look at hmmm, can't think of any example. Okay maybe that botak guy from Austin Powers, he still loves his bald cat. I mean, its always with him all the time. Its still love. And all things grow remember?

Who knows one day it'll grow and move on to a bigger subject, a human.

But yeah, I guess its one of the wonders of the world. Maybe they should not put the wonders of the world physically like those buildings and sculptures and all.

And mama, akak sayang mama lah okay. Thanks for being so hmmm understanding with my keras kepala and all. Ugh, and all my screams. And I'm too egoistic to be transparent to her and even say this to her face, what more write it on a card. She wouldn't read this. So HAHA, :)

Shut up, aku ego. Blame Freud, he planted that ego thing in our brains. (See, fundamental attribution error, SNM or er JJ, stop it.)

So anyway, MAMA, I LOVE YOU. And I'm so fucking sorry for the thing that happened before. This thing called love, they do funny things to you. You should know, you were in love when you were my age. And sad thing is, you would come to know its infatuation.

Thanks for always being there for me, despite that I do things that eat you up inside. And my grades, ah, you know they're for you as you're constantly nagging about my academic. Okay, its actually for me too.

So, happy mother's day ma! Akak sayang mama. :) I'm sure adik does too. Walaupun dia malas nak belajar and always curi main laptop.

We kids have our ways.

All things grow.

"Aku selalu tulis about love and change kan wei?"

"Yah.. (with a reluctant look)"

SEE. Someone agrees. I swear, I need a muse. I can't help it lah okay. And, it is not just anyone, it is my trusty buddy.

So anyway, I have been thinking about narcissism lately. HAHA. Its funny.

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Personality disorder in which the person's has an exaggerated sense of self-importance and needs constant admiration," Charles G. Morris & Albert A. Maisto.

And from Across the Universe, Lucy, "I don't ever want to have kids, think about it, its a form of narcissism. Uuu. She (the baby) have eyes just like the father, uuu she has the mother's lips.." What not.

Really, what is your definition of exaggerate?

God I'm gonna barf and burst into laughters.

"All things grow, all things go." Sufjan, if you're reading this, tell me exactly how all things grow? I can't seem to move on from certain matters. Hence, losing words. Mati dow macam ni. I need to write something, pronto.

K truth is, I'm just being lazy. Cuti sem kot. :)

Panas lah yah Tuhan ku.

I only write on love, changes, uh apa lagi? Macam tu je.

God I need a fucking muse.

If you're reading this, and your friggin' air cond is on. Can you friggin' shut it off?

Because its so friggin' hot here. And I know that you're hot too. But turning on your friggin' air conditioner does not help you neither me what more the whole world in the long term.

Unless your air conditioner says CFC free, then boleh lah berdansa dalam bilik sejuk.

I still need a fucking muse.

O no, not again,

Yer, tak boleh tido.
Besok dah lah paper paling susah.
Siot.

Isn't it ridiculous when one can't sleep,
they need to tell to the whole world?

Haha.

It's okay, it's proven that I'm ridiculous.
And I'm hungry.

And people get ridiculous at times kan?

Who friggin' care about the norms lah?
GTH.

If you see what I see,

Someone said that blogging is utterly nuisance. From A to Z.
That it was conforming to the world. And that was bad.
Maybe it is because of Bowlby's insecure-ambivalent. Since it involves me and all.
So who do we blame here? Freud? Bowlby? Oh wait, the square one? Or maybe the self?

Anyway, my actual drive was to blabber about this whole thing I'm doing. Did I tell you I think I'm doing the right thing?

Look at the crazy people out there! And the whole situation you have to handle?

God.

It makes it easier when you tackle them from what you've learned. I mean, you know how to manipulate the core and what not.

I guess it all depends on how you approach the subject lah kan. I mean, if you see it as what it is, being just on the surface and all, its dead boring. Like reading Romeo and Juliet, and not wanting to be in love. Or, like doing physics without a visual idea. Its there, just.

Well, I see it as wonders! Dude, I'm telling you, if you know this thing like at the back of your palm hand, you could do serious wonders.

You could write a fucking brilliant book.

You could direct a superb movie.

You could draw an abstract painting.

You could capture a friggin' picture.

You could write an all-time favorite song.

Or maybe be the next Plato.

And the list goes on.

It is all down to its best, the world and the people.

"And if you see what I see, then say it after me."
Magnet, Everything's perfect.

Dah aku nak tido, selamat malam.
Okay tak, golek-golek belek stats.