Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. The sadness of that day can be overwhelming. Like last night. I just cried my eyes out. But the cry felt good; relieving almost. It felt nice to get it out. I don't even know when it needs to be let out. And the emotion just comes on out of nowhere. Sometimes when I'm just alone and it's actually quiet. Sometimes when I catch myself staring at my little miracle. And sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.
We had a week of distraction in California for my little brother's wedding and when we returned to Utah a week ago it all came back. It was nice to forget for a while. But I know it will take time for the sadness part to go away. Of course I am beyond grateful for our miracle and the blessings that have come with it. But there is still a sadness from that day that lingers. The trauma of it all can be immense. It's definitely gotten better with time. Oddly I have yet to have a really really good cry. The one that makes you have a terrible headache and swollen eyes the next day kind of cry. Obviously I have cried a ton since the accident but last night was one of those kind of cries. I'm glad I was able to let it out.
The sadness isn't overtaking though. It was a healthy cry. I know that my little boy is okay and healthy and happy and that is healing in itself. It was also a cry of relief and gratitude. That my son is here with me today and that my Heavenly Father is so involved in my life.
All of it is a lot to process and I'm working on it and dealing with it. I know the sadness will leave soon and I need to be patient with myself. Sometimes it's just hard. But I still don't ever want to forget the feelings that day I had of gratitude and the spirit which was felt. I love this boy of mine so much. He makes my world happy.
